Thanks for the reviews guys, sorry ive been a bit wrapped up in "No Bravery" so I havent been updating!
Ruth.
Everytime I think about it, im rooted to the spot, im distracted, im edgy. This could potentially ruin the only thing I had to live for. Jay. I looked at him, studied him with the patients, wanting to know more, wondering how he would react.
I doubt he would be angry, because Jay wasn't a particularly aggressive guy, unless he was being defensive of someone, the way that he was this morning when someone started talking about me not understanding feelings related to babys blah blah..like I cared..but Jay did. He told her quite harshly that that was enough..he must of misunderstood the obvious pain in my facial expression, he thought I was remembering the "miscarriage" when in fact I was weighing up my options about when I was going to let him know about the abortion. Its one of those secrets that you can't just wipe away. Trust me, I have tried many a time.
Ive already considered leaving things how they are, for completely selfish reasons, and also using the term "what he doesn't know doesn't hurt him" because as much as I try and kid myself about Jays feeling, I know him better then he thinks, and I know he would be heartbroken. It wouldn't be just about the abortion, it would be the fact I couldn't tell him, the only person in my live not to let me down, and he would still feel that I hadn't let my guard down, and that would hurt him. But I had to tell him if he was blaming himself. I couldn't have him living the rest of his live believing that the fight we had at that dinner was the reason for the loss of the baby. Yes I was stressed, but that didn't factor into it, and he needed to know that it was my decision, and it was with my knowledge.
Im not sure I would of told him if the abortion had gone through, I mean what would be the point, apart from my guilt. I was new to this whole idea of trusting people, it wasn't regular for me. I wasn't one of those people with a million brothers or sisters or nice parents that they could run to their problems with, I was the girl who only knew of a brother and a father, both whom the whole village are scared of. I hate being tagged as a Winters, because I know that people will misinterpret who I am due to the people I share my blood with.
I laid in bed that night, alone, Jay had signed up to do the night shift, bless him, he only signed up for it so he could be with me on new years eve, I knew him, and he practically admitted it in some sort of embarrassed mumble, which Charlie laughed about as he overheard
"He's really fallen for you" Charlie said, with a small smile
"Really?" I said, not quite believing it, even though I already knew.
"Besotted, ive never seen him like it since he worked here" Charlie said, nodding at me, and I had to bow my head towards the ground to avoid sharing the smile that was spreading across my face.
I told Jay to come to the flat after his shift, as we both had the morning off, and I liked his presence around the place, he made it feel more exciting, more fun, and I felt protected even when I was just sleeping in his arms because I knew that he always would be there. But not if I told him the truth., he couldn't. I had already pulled enough crap on him, I knew it and Im sure he did as well.
He was late though, I wondered if he was ok. It felt strange to be worrying about another person like this, leaning on them, depending on his presence.
I heard the key twist in the door and smiled lightly. Jay must have just arrived, I took a breath of relief and sighed, I couldn't take Jay for granted.
I got out of bed and put on my dressing gown and joined him in the kitchen
"Everything ok?" I asked him, yawning a little bit
"All good babe, just grabbed a shower" Jay said, wrapping his arms around me and kissing me on the cheek. He had a sadness in his eyes though, it was a somewhat familiar sight, not because Jay was sad often, but it was when he had had a hard day at work, or lost a patient he had let himself get emotionally attached too.
He stood facing me, and I could tell he was fighting something with his emotions
"Jay what happened?" I asked, looking at him, trying to read him…I hadn't mastered the talent as well as he had yet, but give it time.
"You know that patient I was looking after yesterday, the one who had been—well you know" Jay said, he couldn't even utter the word abuse..I knew from the moment she had entered the ward and Jay had uncovered her secret, that it was a instant connection, he had attended some sort of meeting with her, by her request aswell.
I motioned for him to carry on, and he sounded quite choked
"She died an hour ago" Jay said, and I could tell he was struggling to hold everything in, the way I had so many times. Thats probably why I recognised it..Jay always held up a guard to anything that directly linked a problem to him, he didn't like people knowing what destroyed him,he held his cards close to his chest, he didn't want people to have knowledge of how they could hurt him, make him cry, make him angry. I was all too familiar with this feeling, and that's why I recognised it straight away, he liked to be the one that helped me out, that's why he rarely showed any signs of upset..he didn't like to be the one that had to lean on people.
I knew this one would hit hard for Jay, would hurt him probably as much as the death of Mrs Bassey, another patient he had got close to, in a different way. He had really connected to that girl, I had been there the previous day, when she had asked me to fetch him, he was busy at the time so I suggested that I got another nurse, but she was insistent, she needed to talk to Jay. When I asked why, she responded saying he was the one who seemed understanding, sensitive, caring. I had watched Jay with her, he was gentle, kind, tentative, the man I knew he was most of the time really, the guy I had fallen in love with. The word love makes me feel so vulnerable...like ive fallen into a trap, ive officially let my guard down, this could make or break me. People comment on the better standard of my people skills and work when Im with Jay, because he props me up. I know if someone gets out of line, Jay will be at my side with immediate effect.
"Oh Jay.." I said, not sure of what to say,how to react. He looked at me
"She had a future Ruth, outside of everything else, she could of really turned it around for herself and now.." Jay continued, and a loose tear slipped down his face, and he didn't rub it away.
"I know what your going to say Ruth, that im too emotionally involved with patients and all that.." Jay started, but I just reached up and put my arms around him, Jay always gave me supportive hugs, he just wrapped me in his arms and I would forget the outside world, even if I didn't want too. I would breathe in his soft smell, and calm down slightly as he stroked my back, and whispered to me in a reassuring manner, kissing my head. This was the first time the action required reversing. E.g, me being the person controlling it.
He wrapped his arms around me, realising the gesture I was creating and returning it, and he shook slightly in my arms, as he clung on to me a little bit tighter..I kissed his head, new to all this relationship angst, the hurt, the problems that weren't mine, hoping that I was doing something right, something that was somehow helping him through the pain he felt. The girl he had lost was the same age as his sister, of course he was bound to be affected in a certain way, specially when the patient in question had stored so much faith and trust in Jay
I wasn't surprised that Jay was the person that she had chosen to confide in, he was one of the most sensitive, kind nurses I had ever worked with. Also one of the most hyper and immature, but the sides of him balanced together quite well, he joked when he needed too, but he also knew which patients required a softer approach.
"Thanks for being here Ruth" he said, kissing the top of my head, and I just nodded, and I held his hand.
Did I avoid telling him because he was already upset, or was it just pure avoidance tactics? Maybe a bit of both. Or maybe it was because I was scared of what I could loose. Another new feeling..I had something to loose that meant a great deal to me.
