Thank you all fpor your encouraging comments!
Second year
September 2, 1850 (aged 13)
I have grown more. In school now I have to sit in the back because otherwise the normal sized kids can't see the chalkboard. It feels bad always being too big. The other boys in the back are two years older than me and I don't know them very well.
There is a new family in town. Two girls and a boy. They are all younger than me but Joe found a new friend.
September 8, 1850 (aged 14)
I'm fourteen now. Pa said at fourteen I'm no longer a child but not yet an adult. His smile was lopsided when he said that and he ruffled my hair the way I don't like so I ducked. Pa just nodded a little absent minded to himself, then he spread his arms and I hugged him. He kissed me and said "I love you, Hoss, never forget it." Right then Hop Sing brought the cake and I blew out the candles. Pa gave me a new Sunday suit that I got measured for at the tailor's, and a nice leather wallet with three dollars in it.
September 12, 1850
Pa is on the cattle drive now. Joe came this night in my room and asked if he could sleep with me. At night he seems so much younger. We slept together in my bed but he tossed around a lot. He called out a few times for Pa, Mama and Adam. It tore my heart because I could feel how desperate and abandoned he felt. I woke him and he clung to me, and then he went to sleep again. That made me proud somehow.
September 16, 1850
Annie and the new girl are now friends. They sit side by side and stick together during recess. I wish I had my big brother here, when I feel lonely! Tomorrow I'll write him a letter.
October 5, 1850
I'm surprised how carefree Joe seems during the day. He has lots of friends to make mischief with and enjoys it when I let him tend to Billy or hitch up the team. He likes being with horses and handle things. But at nights he has still nightmares. Pa will be back in two weeks.
October 19, 1850
Pa's back. He got a good price for the cattle. He said how happy he is to be home again, sitting in his own chair, eating a decent meal cooked by Hop Sing together with his sons and – here he reached in his pocket – reading a letter from his oldest that he had just received in Virginia City. That was a fine evening for us too. Adam wrote he had passed his first year examinations without any problems and he will visit his grandfather for the summer. He also mentioned a young lady several times. The mail sure took a long time. There were a picture and a separate note each for me and Joe too. For me he drew the library so I can see how it looks where Adam learns; and for Joe a picture of a clipper ship. Adam also sent me best wishes for my fourteenth birthday. Pa brought candy for us, as I say, a real fine day.
October 24, 1850
School is worse than ever. It's not only having to learn stupid things I'm not interested in. It's things like being so big. If someone giggles behind me I pretend not to hear but I know the girls and even a few boys laugh at me. Behind my back they call me "fat Hoss". I feel so clumsy stuck at my tiny desk and I don't say anything because when I get up from it someone always snickers. The only thing I can do is to silence them with my fists. But I won't. I don't want the other children to be afraid of me. Besides, it would make Pa so mad!
I would be so happy if I was smaller – even too small for his age like Joe. All the girls my age baby him. Even Miss Taylor can't resist his charm. Being such a cute little boy sure can get you spoiled.
October 25, 1850
Today Annie and the new girl were with the other girls. They all looked at me and giggled. Even Annie. I don't know why she did it. I sure don't like it.
Pa noticed something was bothering me, so we talked this evening. We sit inside now by the fire instead of out on the porch. Maybe he is right and I'm just growing faster than others. In a few years there won't be such a difference. I hope I can hang on a few years!
He told me when I was a toddler all the women spoiled me because I was such a cute blonde little boy, all smiles, and Adam was secretly jealous.
October 26, 1849
Like always in fall we laid in a lot of firewood for the winter. The hands saw up the dried trunks and also the big logs for the fireplace but splitting the smaller ones for the stove and the oven is my job now. I've been working on it for weeks. Pa trusts me to handle the big axe that Adam used to use. Joe has to help stacking the wood. He doesn't like it much because it's exhausting and boring. I didn't like it either when I worked with Adam. Because I've grown into the big axe, Joe wants to have a tool too instead of just using his hands. So today I gave him a hatchet and let him split some kindling for Hop Sing. First I was a bit anxious he would cut himself with it because he is a leftie and I have to use my right hand to show him what to do. Pa would kill me if I let Joe get hurt! But Joe did the job real well. Afterwards we stacked the wood together. When we told Pa this evening how good Joe is with a hatchet, at first Pa frowned at me, but then he said Adam and I were even younger than Joe and he forgot sometimes that Joe isn't a baby anymore and he said how proud he is of him. You could see Joe's smile get real big. Being the youngest isn't easy either.
October 29, 1850
Some kids were calling me names again. I rode off by myself today a few hours, then I sat at my favorite spot to watch the sun go down. Watching a sunset let me feel my breast growing wider. At first it sort of hurts a bit but then I feel peace and somehow my sorrows go away. I was late getting home and Pa scolded me but the power of the sunset protected me.
November 1, 1850
The two boys that I share the back bench at school with, Mike and Jake, speak to me sometimes. We aren't friends yet but at least they don't tease me.
November 4, 1850
Today I drank a whole beer with Mike and Jake. They gave it to me after school, don't know where they got it. I drank it in one big swallow; that impressed them. I didn't say that it was my first and that I was in a hurry, because if Joe came looking for me after saddling his pony, I'd be in trouble. I felt a little dizzy but that was all. Pa didn't get suspicious.
November 6, 1850
Perhaps that was a little test. Now Mike and Jake let me be with them at recess. They look at pictures under their desks all the time but I never dared to ask to see them. Yesterday they showed me some. Pa would skin me alive if I had pictures like that! But … I dreamed about one of them last night.
December 19, 1850
When she thinks I don't notice, Annie looks at me. Is she looking for the fat boy so she can make fun of him with her friends? I can eat my Christmas cookies by myself or maybe share with Mike and Jake. I don't need her.
Pa sent me to my room today because I was rude to him, only I wasn't. Pa's cranky most of the time lately.
December 27, 1850
Christmas was all right but not like I remember. When I was little I couldn't sleep for days before Christmas but now it all seems kind of dull. We did all the usual things but I didn't feel the excitement and joy I always used to. Even the food didn't taste too good, maybe because I worry if I eat too much I will grow more or get fat. I tried not to show anyone how I felt.
January 4, 1851
Joe is so annoying lately! Maybe it's the weather. We have so much snow we can't go outside. He pesters me all the time. Playing with toy soldiers isn't as much fun for me as for him.
Pa punished me for swearing. All the men swear, even Mike and Jake.
January 10, 1851
Dear Journ,
This was the worst day ever. Billy is dead. He was such a happy little fellow and so lively! And that was what killed him. We let him, Rosie and our other draft horse out in the big corral today so they could get some exercise after being stuck in the barn so long. Because of the snow we don't use the team often in the winter. The colt was prancing around and showing off like a big stallion. Then the accident happened; he stepped in a hole – I never saw it before - that was covered up with snow and broke his leg. I can hear his screams yet. Sorry. I know boys are not supposed to cry.
I wished I could have begged Pa to let me try and heal his leg but I didn't. I know there's no way to save a horse with a broken leg. Pa had to shoot him right there in the corral. The shot went off and the screaming ended. When I opened my eyes again his ma was nuzzling the mane of her dead son and she whinnied with such sadness I never heard from a horse before.
Sorry again.
January 20, 1851
We're snowed in and can't get to Virginia City, so Pa gave us lessons to learn in the morning. He refused to let me work in my own room because he said Joe needs my help. I know he didn't, but I understand why he likes sitting together at the big table like we do for homework. It's all right. Adam did the same for me. But after schoolwork and chores I need a little time to myself! I hope Pa sees to it that Joe respects that! I can't even go outside to be alone in weather like this.
February 12, 1851
Mike and Jake treat me like an equal now. The best time in school is recess when we three stay together. Nobody dares to bother us! Annie still looks at me from time to time. But she has her friends now and I mine!
February 18, 1851
Hi Journ,
I'll keep this short because I've written enough for one day. Miss Taylor gave me extra homework writing lines–300 times "I must not swear"–and said Pa had to sign it. Pa was angry. Not using bad language is a big thing for him. He gave me the choice of getting my mouth washed out with soap again or writing another 200 lines. What a choice! Now I have written the stupid sentence 500 times. Damn!
March 11, 1851
Charlie said he likes working with me when a cow or a horse had difficulties with birth. He said I'm real good at getting scared animals to calm down. He even sent for me twice at night and Pa said I could go. I don't understand why he is so easy in that case.
March 21, 1851
Mike and Jake asked me for a secret meeting tomorrow night. I'm not sure if I dare to sneak out.
March 22, 1851
I did it! It was just awesome. We met near Virginia City in a cave. Not a deep one, more a hole in the mountain. First it was cold but then we made a fire and lay around. We told us about our dreams for the future and a lot about girls. They are real friends. Mike had three cigars and Jake a third bottle of brandy. The cigars taste better than I remember when I smoked one as a child, the alcohol makes your stomach warm, it felt good in that cold night. I'm a bit tired today but Pa isn't suspicious.
April 12, 1851
Sitting on the shore of our small pond today I watched a duck with her ducklings. It's so amazing how they follow their ma crowded together and if one gets lost and misses the others how the small creature will swim or run and whine loudly until it found its mama again. I watched them for around an hour.
April 23, 1851
Hi Journ,
I worked with Charlie. We mended fences. I hit my thumb with the hammer and while I was hopping around and holding my hand I swore a lot. Charlie looked at me and shook his head. "Fine language, boy!" Then he looked down at my thumb and exclaimed, "Dadburnit! You're really strong. I think that thumb need care at home." It hurts so badly that I didn't complain being sent home. When I mounted Prince I asked Charlie about that word he used. He grinned, "That's safe swearing." Hop Sing made a thick bandage with salve around my thumb, I hope it will be better soon. "Safe swearing"? Maybe it's an option I could try.
April 30, 1851
I don't know why but Joe won't understand that he has to knock before he rushes in my room. I yelled at him today so loud I think he will remember the next time. Lately the only thing we enjoy together are the horses.
May 4, 1851
I'm a full church member now, today I took Communion for the first time. Hop Sing made a very good celebration dinner. My new suit is getting a bit short.
May 24, 1851
This time I brought the alcohol. A bottle of Pa's whiskey. We met again in that cave. This time the weather was warm and we could sit outside in the green grass. We talked a lot, Pa's whiskey ran smoothly down our throats and later we sang. We really enjoyed the warm night!
It will be the last for a while; I'm on restriction for a month. Turns out Pa got suspicious the first time because of the smell of smoke on me. This time he heard me going out and when he saw that his most expensive whiskey was also gone he hadn't much to guess–that's what he told me this morning. Yesterday he didn't need to say much. When I was leaving the barn after I rubbed Prince down quickly there Pa was, standing in the doorway with a switch in his hand. I could see even the details because night had changed into dawn. Now I knew what Adam meant years ago when I didn't understand what was wrong with him one morning suddenly and he said some times you have to pay the piper. I hope Pa lets me have a nap today.
June 12, 1851
Joe's birthday. He is nine. Pa gave him real fine presents. A lot more than I or Adam ever dreamed about at that age. He didn't seem very interested in the box with a whittled lid I made him or in the picture from Adam. I tried not to show how disappointed I was but when Pa frowned at me a few times during dinner I said I didn't feel well and went to my room.
July 6, 1851
Maybe it's school that made me so uneasy. The hay harvest was good like last year. Joe could help too. After we loaded, we rode together on top of the hay when Charlie drove the wagons in the barn. Maybe it's crazy but I can smell how good the hay will taste for our animals in the winter. It's not like fresh green grass but it's like the fruits in jars Hop Sing makes. The sunlight is for the grass what Hop Sing's sugar is for the fruits.
July 18, 1851
No, it's not school, it's Pa! He keeps picking at me. Anything I say or do except for my work is wrong for him. And if Joe and I have an argument it's always my fault. I hate that he is moody all the time and that he called me sullen when I told him I'd rather sit in my own room than with him on the porch.
Third year
September 8, 1851 (aged 15)
Pa, Joe and me went to the International House to celebrate my birthday. I got to choose what I wanted and it was delicious. At the table next to ours I saw a real fat family. They all wobble. I do not. I'm not fat! Not really!
Pa gave me a razor and a razor strop, and Joe gave me a leather holster for the razor so I can hang it next to my mirror. Pa helped him with the holes but he made the stitches with a white leather band. The razor looks real sharp, Pa promised to show me how to use it when I'm ready to shave. I think it can't be long! In the evening Pa read a letter from Adam he had hidden as a surprise. He has now finished the second year. Later we sat together and talked about Adam. I copied the part that was for me:
Dear Hoss,
I can't say how badly I wish I could hug you and give you my wishes for your health and happiness in persona. On your birthday and Joe's I always wish I were sitting with you at home on the Ponderosa. You can't overestimate how much the penholder you made yourself and sent me for my birthday means to me! Dear brother, please take care of yourself and be wiser than I was at fifteen.
But for now I wish you a happy day and a big cake!
With love
your brother Adam
September 10, 1851
School has changed, Mike and Jake have finished and also a few girls; but we have around eight new children. The boy from the International Hotel also comes here now. He brags a lot about his rich parents. The others are nice. And – oh Journ, if you could see her! She looks so pretty and her name fits her so wonderfully: Lilly. She is blonde with green eyes and a very fine figure. She is fifteen like me.
September 15, 1851
Pa had hired new hands for the cattle drive and I sit in school. Why couldn't he give me that chance? The only thing in school that don't bore me to death is Lilly. I could watch her all the day.
September 23, 1851
I met Mike and Jake a few times but they don't have much free time except Saturday nights when they go to Saloons. I'm not afraid of going into a Saloon but I know I would be recognised and Pa would hear about it and there are prices I won't pay. So I refused to meet them there. I'm busy with the firewood.
October 14, 1851
Adam, Pa even Joe, our little charmer, would by now have spoken to a girl or women they adored. I know my feelings are just as strong as theirs, I also recognize romantic situations and places, but I don't know how to begin even a simple little conversation with Lilly. Whenever I am near her I feel my face go red and I get tongue-tied. If Adam was here I could ask him what I should say; he'd know! I wish I was so handsome and good at saying the right things to people!
Pa's back. Joe made a big fuss over seeing him and Pa didn't have time for me and my problems, so I went up to bed early.
October 26, 1851
I feel like a trapped animal! Pa grounded me in my room directly after church. How can he do that! It's unfair and it was an accident. And it was Joe's fault in the first place. I don't know how often I told him to knock first. But he came in this morning while I was trying to button up my Sunday trousers. I couldn't get them fastened and that made me feel fat and embarrassed. Joe just stood there grinning in the doorway and wouldn't leave. So I yelled at him and pushed him out of my room. Right then Pa was leaving his own room, so he saw his little boy fall down. Pa was furious with me because I pushed Joe so hard. He didn't ask what Joe had done first.
Pa and Joe are now sitting at the dinner table and I'm supposed to sit in my room and think. Well, I think I'm hungry. I missed dinner too. Maybe Pa´s thinking his fat son shouldn't eat so much–that skipping some meals would be good for him?
Hop Sing just brought me sandwiches and called me a bad boy. I was on the verge of telling him to go away and take the sandwiches with him but then I clammed up and gobbled them down.
Why doesn't anybody understand me, why is everybody picking on me? All I want to do is sit peacefully with my family and enjoy Sunday evening.
November 17, 1851
I have spoken with Lilly! It's snowing and we couldn't go outside during recess. She looked through the door of the hall outside and I went up to her. We talked about how bad the weather has been these days and she smiled at me. I'm happy.
November 23, 1851
I'm sitting here each evening dreaming about her. I'm dreaming in school, dreaming working, dreaming sleeping. Lilly, oh Lilly!
November 29, 1851
Dear friend,
please help me. Today I did something I never should. I injured Joe in anger. He was teasing me about Lilly and saying I was sweet on her so I lost my temper. He was directly behind me but I slammed the house door shut without looking back. Somehow he got his arm in the way of the door. Pa and Hop Sing appeared at the same time from opposite sides of the big room. Pa´s eyes were shooting flashes at me while he waited for Hop Sing to see how bad Joe's arm was hurt. My knees trembled because I knew what to expect from Pa but I was really upset about Joe's arm. It wasn't long before Hop Sing finished looking at it but for me it was like an eternity. Tears ran down Joe's cheeks but he tried to be brave and not to flinch during the examination. Fortunately his arm isn't broken but it's very badly bruised! Right away Pa ordered me into the guest room and gave me a bad tanning. When we came back out we found Joe sitting on a chair while Hop Sing bandaged his hurt arm. My little brother lifted his wet eyes and looked up at me so sadly. I'm sure I'll never forget that look. I didn't need Pa hissing about how this was the second time in just a few weeks I'd been brutal to Joe to make me feel guilty. What can I do now? I hate myself. I'm the worst big brother ever!
November 30, 1851
Joe forgave me! He said he isn't mad at me at all. How could I have been so unfriendly to him so often lately? I promised him we will spend a lot of time together during Christmas vacation. I hope I can make it up to him.
December 6, 1851
Pa asked me if I would like to come with him to the Christmas dance. I was surprised and happy that Pa asked me after all, so I said yes. Even though I wasn't so sure this would be the right entertainment for me.
I spent a long time over by the buffet. After making a little small talk with the older ladies and the other boys, while I secretly watched Lilly dancing, I followed Mike and Jake to the punch bowl. I drank two glasses of punch with them but I couldn't concentrate on what they talked about. I was still too busy watching Lilly. She was dancing with a lot of boys not one especially. I was relieved. Then I went back to the buffet – the others acted as if they thought I didn't plan to do anything but stand next to it - and I tried to collect all my courage to ask her for a dance. Then I thought maybe it would be better if I practice dancing with another girl first, perhaps with Annie. But of course she wasn't there–she never goes to anything like this. I was still trying to decide which girl I would try to dance with when Pa came and said the horses and the sleigh were ready. On the way back Pa asked me if I had had fun. First I said yes but Pa didn't believe me so I told him how clumsy I feel and how I'm not handsome and all. We have a full moon and in its bright light I could see what a surprised face Pa made when I said that. I had to laugh. Maybe I'm not really the ugliest boy in town, maybe I just have to try harder with girls.
At home I studied my face for a long time in the mirror. Maybe my chin and my nose are big but I think my eyes are not too bad. I practiced a steely stare and it looked very manly. I hope I can impress Lilly with it.
December 8, 1851
I think Lilly was impressed. She looked a few times after me. Manly looking is one thing but being a man is another. I don't know how to speak to her again. But it was a first step! I'm thinking about making a Christmas gift for her!
December 20, 1851
Hop Sing gave me a parcel with Christmas cookies for Annie. She was delighted. Her brothers and sister looked at her with such longing she promised to share with them on Christmas eve. I never saw her looking that happy before. I was a little ashamed it was Hop Sing's idea to give the poor family some cookies for Christmas. Tomorrow I will buy some sweets for the children and Annie as a gift.
December 21, 1851
I gave Annie, her brothers, and sister each a peppermint stick I bought.
For Lilly I whittled a Christmas star from honey colored wood. She thanked me and smiled like an angel.
January 1, 1852
Christmas was as peaceful as it ought to be. Adam sent a letter for us and some more drawings. I played with Joe often during the vacation; it was more fun than I expected, and Pa read to us in the evening. Once I came in Joe's room to play with him, he sat on the floor with the box I made for him. When I came in he asked, "Should I show you what I have in that fine box you gave me?" I nodded and he opened it, inside were all the letters and all the pictures Adam had drawn for him and a few items from him and me he treasured. "I call it my big brother box," he said and I felt guilty and happy at the same time I hugged him first and then I tickled him until Pa came up and scolded us about making so much noise, but he couldn't hide his smile and he didn't want to I think.
