January 5, 1852 (aged 15)

My heart was pounding when I went back to the schoolroom after Christmas vacation. I looked under my lashes at her. Has Lilly smiled at me? Not sure until now. She looks so beautiful! I exchanged a few words with Annie but she has now four younger siblings in school and no time.

January 7, 1852

Yeppiiieeee! Lilly gave me an orange and thanked me again for the star I whittled for her. Yep and then I invited her to meet me on Saturday afternoon and she agreed! If it were spring I could show her my most favorite spots and Hop Sing could make us a picnic. Or maybe she would bake something? But perhaps I shouldn't take her to the Ponderosa unchaperoned anyway. So we agreed I would invite her to the International Hotel. Oh Journ, I'm so nervous.

January 10, 1852

Yup. Wow. Great! All went well! She looked fabulous today in a pink dress with white laces and a white cape, mittens and shawl. She has expensive tastes even in what she eats. But surely she wasn't aware of how much the things she chose cost. And after we sat that long together a gentleman has to invite a beautiful women to have dinner with him too. When the bill came I was desperate because I hadn't enough money – I had expected to pay for two coffees and two or maybe four pieces of cake and not oysters on the half-shell. But the waiter, an old friend of Pa, said, "Would you like to pay now or put it on your account, Mr. Cartwright?" And what looked first like disaster ended in triumph. I said nonchalantly – at least I intended to – "Put it on my account, please", and then I asked him to bring us Lilly's cape. And Lilly was impressed, sure she was! I helped her into the cape and escorted her outside, took her arm, and walked her home. It was easier than I thought and she smiled at me and gave me a kiss on the cheek as good bye. I know now what heaven is! She's so lovely. Next Saturday we will meet again.

Monday I'll pay the bill. I will have to use some of the money Adam gave me for emergencies. But I think he wouldn't mind, he would understand that a young man needs some money for his girl.

January 18, 1852

I couldn't write to you yesterday, Journ. I was too upset. I stopped courting Lilly yesterday at 3 pm.

Yesterday I got to town half an hour before we planned to meet. I went to the store intending to buy some candy for Joe because it was the second Saturday I'd come to town when he couldn't come with me. When I got into the store I saw Lilly. She was standing with her back to me – this time she was in turquoise – looking at a pile of oranges, just like the one she gave me right after Christmas. My heart jumped with joy because I thought she is here to buy me a gift. I'm on my way to her when I saw she grabbed one orange and hid it quickly under her cape. I was so astonished I stood by the front door like I was frozen. Then Mr. Cramer came over to her and said they were very delicate and special fruits and very difficult to transport so they were expensive and recently he guessed he must have had a thief in his store stealing them. Then he counted the fruit and said ten minutes ago there had been two more. Lilly smiled her angelic smile at him and said without hesitating, "What about those children who just went out, those dirty little Sullivan kids. I saw the boy standing next to these oranges!" It was true Annie's brother Tommy and sister Mary, in clothes that were too thin for the winter cold and carrying a small bag between them, had greeted me as we passed on the steps of the store. But suggesting they took the oranges? I felt thunderstruck! How could she? Mr Cramer opened the door and yelled after the children for them to come back, he wanted to look in their bag. They turned and came back slowly, obviously confused and frightened by the yelling.

We all went outside. A few passers-by also gathered to see the spectacle. Then my blood began to pulse through my veins again and I heard it pounding in my ears. I think in comparison to me Pa would have sounded velvet mouthed. I shouted, "How could you? Stealing and then in cold blood blaming two innocent children! I saw you put an orange under your cape just a minute ago. Open it up!" She looked shocked and so did Mr. Cramer. But then he said, "Miss, you heard what Hoss Cartwright said, show us what you have under your cape." Even then Lilly has the impertinence to refuse; saying that nobody has a right to look under a girl's clothes and she wasn't going to undo her cape on a winter day in the public street. Right then Roy Coffee, who had heard the commotion and hurried over to join us spoke up, "Well, now, Miss, I think you'll agree I have the right to ask. Now you can undo your cape for me here, or else we can go over to the jail if that's more convenient for you." Lilly tried to catch my eye but I looked in the other direction. Eventually she brought one orange out from under her cape. So the sheriff took her with him to his office. I stood there on the street next to the two small children trembling with fear and cold and I knew what I wanted to do. I asked them to wait a minute for me, then I went back in the store and bought an orange each for them. They were too surprised even to thank me. I looked again at those little red noses and their thin clothes, and I thought I came to town planning to have coffee at the International House and darn it, I'm going to.

So I invited the children to have a hot chocolate and a piece of cake each with me. Their smiles were so sincere and happy I couldn't understand why I had ever thought the smile of that lying thief Lilly was angelic. When we were leaving the hotel Tommy – he started school last September - scrutinized his orange and smiled shyly at me and said, "Hoss, why has this apple such an orange hide? I licked a bit and it tasted very bitter." The poor little fellow hadn't ever seen an orange before and didn't know how to eat it. I got a lot more angry with Lilly for calling him a thief. Later I learned she had stolen two oranges that day and admitted she'd done it a few other times. I hope her father will thrash her maybe that could change her bad character.

January 19, 1852

Lilly wasn't in school today, maybe she is too ashamed of herself.

Tommy came to me at recess and told me how good that orange tasted under its thick hide. Mary and the two other brothers nodded. I think now I'm little Tommy's hero, he followed me the whole day. Later on Annie approached me. "Father would be so furious with them if he thought they were thieves," she said in a low voice. "Thank you so much, Hoss!"She squeezed my hand and smiled. I felt a bit embarrassed and asked her if she would like an apple. At first it seemed she was going to refuse but then she took it.

February 10, 1852

During recess little Tommy follows me around like a shadow now. Joe even looked proud of me when he saw Tommy's admiration for his big brother. Joe has a lot of friends to play with at school so we do nothing together there much anyway.

Lilly is back. I try and avoid her, and she me.

February 25, 1852

I thought Pa and me had settled our differences by now, but we haven't. I can't understand Pa. I'm almost 16 and he still treats me like a little kid. A bad grade on a test is a big problem for him. He lectures me like I'm Joe's age. Sometimes I wish I could put some distance between us like Adam has and live my own life. But on other days it's so good to sit with him next to the fireplace and feel the warmth. If it wasn't for that stupid school we wouldn't have any problems.

Pa knows I do a lot more than chores on the ranch and he should be proud of the work I do with Charlie. For example today we moved a lot of hay to the cattle on the south pasture after I got back from school. I will ask him about quitting school when there's a good moment.

March 21, 1852

Today was a real great day. The church congregations – ours and the Catholics both - organized a spring opening feast as a fund-raiser for buying books for our school library. Besides the big picnic, the games and the bazaar with handmade things there were also a few merchants' stands with sweets, tools, and kitchen utensils, and a puppet show. The show came from San Francisco and played in all the small towns on its way. Joe's been telling us for a week what he wanted to buy and trying to guess what the puppet show would be. When Pa promised to give Joe the entrance fee and a dime for buying sweets if he behaved well the whole week, I thought about little Tommy. He surely wouldn't be able to go to the show or even the picnic.

The next day I asked Annie if I could invite Tommy to come with me to the festival. As I saw her eyes get big I added fast, "And you and Mary, Johnny and Will." She gaped at me and interrupted, "Stop. Hoss, how will you find so much money?" I said that wasn't for her to worry about and smiled at her. (Maybe I will take some more out of Adam's money again.) Annie told me her mother needed her at home, but maybe she'd allow the four younger kids to go while Annie helped her with the laundry. I asked about her father but she just shrugged and said, "He doesn't care much about us. He thinks raising the children–especially me –is our mother's job."

We got permission for the younger children. It sure is a pity that Annie couldn't come too but she wished us a fine afternoon and smiled. Hop Sing promised to make up a big picnic lunch and Pa gave me half of what I needed for the Sullivan children as well as the money for my own admission.

The afternoon went so well, we all had so much fun. After the picnic we went to the puppet show. Tommy sat on my lap and Joe on my right. The show was so good I laughed till I cried. After the show we strolled along the booths and I bought sweets for us all, and some extra for Annie.

Later Joe and Johnny teamed up to win the three-legged race and I did pretty well at horseshoes.

I took the children back home in our carriage. When we got close to their cabin they went silent. They told me their father doesn't like it when they're loud. I gave Will the bag with leftovers before they got out of the carriage. Suddenly the door opened and Annie came out. She smiled her shy smile at me that I like.

She thanked me and hugged me quickly before she greeted the children and took them inside. I forgot to give her the little bag of candy.

March 25, 1852

Annie told me how happy her brothers and sister have been after our afternoon and I remembered the bag with sweets I still had with me. The candies didn't look very pretty now and were gluey but we sat under the tree where only the oldest pupils sit and ate them. She told me that she will have to quit school this year because her mother is expecting again and needs her at home. She looked very sad about that. She couldn't understand how much I want to be done with school. It was somehow bittersweet we both were afraid of our future but for now we sat together in the early sun and ate candies with sticky fingers.

March 27, 1852

Spring is warm this year. I'm glad I haven't contaminated my favorite places with Lilly. Today I went to the small meadow I like best. Sitting here and watching how nature becomes green again I felt even more how lifeless school is.

April 2, 1852

I told Pa this evening that two boys my age will leave school this summer." It doesn't matter what the others do", was all he said. Last year when I pointed out that Jake and Mike would be leaving, he said they were older. And now that doesn't matter! Sure I got angry. Pa told me all over again that I have to stay in school until I had finished. When he started on how happy Adam would have been to have such a good school so near, I couldn't stand any more of it. "I'm not Adam! I'm only your dumb middle son!" Pa only growled that I shouldn't dare yell at him and sent me to my room. Before I slammed the door I shouted back, "Maybe you can make me stay in school but you can't make me learn anything!" I knew it was childish but it seemed the only thing I could do. Dadburnit! It's my life, after all, and I want to quit school! I don't know how that stupid book learning could help me out here on the ranch.

Why doesn't Pa understand how much work I could do here? I don't want to quit school just so I can slack off. I want to work! I'm as strong as a man and I could do a man's job. And he would be the one who benefits.

April 12, 1852

Hi Journ,

Today I brought home an E in the last history test. I hadn't bothered to study for it. I gave Pa the test without flinching, looking him directly in the eyes to show him that I could be at least as stubborn as he. I thought there would be an argument, that we'd lock horns. But Pa was very calm and said he could see that my decision was made. That was all. Pa rode into town and came back three hours later. He said he had withdrawn me from school and that tomorrow he'll take me up to the lumber camp. That's where the less educated men can work on the Ponderosa, so if I think I'm a man because of my muscles it's where I should go to use them. I'm not sure if Pa means that as a punishment. But it doesn't matter because I don't have to go to school anymore!

April 17, 1852

Hi Journ,

I've been at camp now for most of a week and my whole body aches but it's so good feeling you could do this hard work; it's so satisfying.

April 19, 1852

We not only cut trees we also plant some young ones. The rest Nature does for herself. Nature gives you all you need but you mustn't rob her. I enjoy being out here in the woods during spring. When we finished work and dusk settles in I go just a few yards away from camp and sit there, near where a patch of green grass is growing, in silence and wait. Every evening the deer come there with their little ones. I carry my rifle with me not because I want to shoot them but in case any dangerous animals also show up and I have to defend myself. I learned long ago that Nature has to provide for all her creatures and a big fat Hoss might look like a better dinner to a cougar than a deer.

I can't write here any more because the men tease me about it and try to look over my shoulder.

May 22, 1852

Hello Journal,

I'm back from camp. Adam would laugh but they gave me the nickname professor because they saw me writing in my Journal twice and reading an adventure book. At first it was fine there. But after three weeks it got boring: the jokes, the tales about women, the drinking on Saturday night: always the same. The bragging about women I disliked the most. Whenever they did that I always saw Annie before me with her shy smile.

Maybe I missed also my evenings with Pa, hearing him read the newspaper and knowing what's going on in the world, or playing checkers with Joe.

Then there was that one big tree we cut. I was clearing branches from its trunk when I found a nest with four little naked birds. They were too small to save, so I killed them. It wasn't nice killing those innocent creatures but better for them than starving. Then I puta shovelful of dirt overthem. The other men looked at me as if I was crazy. The foreman called me back to work because I had wasted enough time.

At dinner when Bert teased me about my tender heart I showed him with my right hook that he'd better not. I think the others were impressed but I knew in that moment working in a lumber camp isn't my future. Pa was right.

May 24, 1852

I'm back at school. Pa and I had a long talk after I came home with him. We agreed that I would go back to school again and stay through next year, so I can learn to keep the books and manage the other paperwork. I don't like it very much but unless I'm capable of doing it I couldn't run a ranch. And ranching's what I like! But Pa also understood that I want to learn more about doing the practical things. We compromised by deciding that this autumn I'd go on the cattle drive. I'll miss school for another six weeks but I can catch up the same way I am now.

Annie seems happy that I'm back at school. I wish I'd find a way to make her parents let her come to school next year too. Seeing your friends again is nice-especially little Tommy.

At home I get to play checkers with Joe and sit with Pa on the porch again. Joe is now real good at checkers!

Rosie was barren this year so we bred her again. We sent her to a big black stallion that has some racehorse blood. Pa objected to this plan at first but I know this stallion and Rosie would match just fine and Pa finally went along with me.

May 31, 1852

Joe seemed unhappy. When I let him drive the carriage and even that didn't cheer him up I knew something big was wrong. Then when I met Joe in the hall this evening he whispered for me to come into his room. He rummaged a while in his wardrobe and pulled out his new Sunday jacket. It was all torn up and stained. I remembered that on our way back from church I had wondered why Joe was pulling his coat tight shut since it wasn't cold at all. When I asked him how this happened he said a branch broke while he was climbing a tree and he slid down clinging to the trunk until he could catch hold of another branch. "Which tree?" I asked. "The big one over by the church." "But that's a good climbing tree! The only branches that might break are right at its top!" Joe just stared down at his feet and I felt cold sweat on my forehead. Then he looked up at me with a proud smile and said, "But I won, I went the highest." "Joe, you could have killed yourself falling out of the top of that tree!" "I caught hold again. Please, Hoss, don't tell Pa," he said, and looked at the jacket in misery. We knew both if Pa saw it like this Joe would be in for it and he'd have to say how he got it in such a mess. And that wouldn't make anything better. "Hoss, can't you come up with something? Please help me, big brother!" and he smiled his winningest smile at me.

Joe didn't need to bait me like that, because I still wanted to help him anyway. But what could I do?

"Maybe Hop Sing could do something …without telling Pa," Joe went on, and that gave me an idea.

"Wait a minute, Joe, not Hop Sing–let's try going to Chinatown and see if someone there can help." So that's what we'll do tomorrow.

June 4, 1852

We found someone who said he will mend the jacket for us. Maybe it would have been quicker and cheaper if we asked Hop Sing's cousin to do it but that seemed too big a risk. We went to town every day to see if it was ready and today we got a neatly and mostly invisibly repaired stainless jacket back in our hands. It cost nearly half of Adam's emergency money but we were both so relieved to have it before Sunday. I think this way it's better even for Pa, because he doesn't have to be scared about what could have happened, and now the jacket looks like new again too.

June 12, 1852

Joe is ten now. We celebrated his birthday with a little party. While the adults drank coffee, I played games with the children. Joe loved it. Just one time he got sullen because he wasn't given a do-over throw when the children were throwing balls at a big stack of cans. Joe was winning the shiny marble that was the victory prize but missed on his last throw and argued he got distracted by someone else while aiming. Then he ran into the house. But Pa gave him his stern glare and reminded him of his duties as a host so he came back and had fun again. That's the good thing about Joe–he can get over a bad mood real quickly.

July 2, 1852

My grades were much better than expected. Pa and I often sit together in the evenings and he shows me the ledgers for the ranch and has me check his work. It's a lot more difficult than I thought.

This summer I'll work with Charlie. Pa will invite Joe's friend Mitch to visit so he won't be lonely. I promised him we'd spend one day of every weekend doing things together.

July 14, 1852

Hard dry work, riding and mending fences, but work where you can think or even not think, only be. When we break off to rest at noon I feel like I'm just another piece of Nature, lying here not moving, all my strength tucked deep inside me. So a rock must feel in the sun.

August 21, 1852

I went with Joe to the lake a few times. He loves the lake too, for him it is a place of great adventures. He pretends he's a pirate or an Indian. We skip stones and he shows off like a little daredevil, jumping and diving off the rocks. Sometimes he dares me to do a few stunts of my own like that, and we chat and laugh a lot. It's a lot of fun being with him but we never see any animals except for a few ducks far away.

August 22, 1852

Joe has really outgrown his small pony. We tried to convince Pa of that during dinner yesterday. Pa finally agreed with us but to Joe's utter disappointment Pa gave him Queenie to ride. Queenie is a real nice little mare Adam rode when he was a boy. She is good mannered but she disliked running even when she was younger and she is a lot older than Joe.