Coming Out of the Broom Closet (Chapter Eight)
"Got that out of your system?" I asked Harry after his response to my omission.
Harry nodded, still rather stunned. "It's just… A little surprising. I mean, you tell me you're a lesbian, and then you tell me you like ol'…" I glare at him. "I mean, that you like Professor McGonagall."
"Well, now you know why I didn't want you to let McGonagall see the list." I explained.
"Bloody Hell, Hermione! I'm really sorry! I never even thought of that! I'm really sorry. I didn't know at the time."
I nodded, "I know, Harry. That's why I forgave you. You had no idea the implications of your actions." Harry stared at me. I sighed, "You didn't know what you were doing, Harry."
"I didn't know," Harry repeated.
"Done? Can we go back in?" I asked Harry.
"Let's get our stuff. Then, we can go talk," Harry told me.
"I told him Professor," I said, as I scooped up my belongings. I didn't see her. "Where is she?" I wondered aloud. "You can't apparate while on the grounds. I read it.."
"I know! Hogwarts, A History!" Harry told me, clearly tired of my quoting the tome.
I sighed, "I was just saying."
McGonagall popped out of the fireplace as the fires burned green. "Sorry. I was just speaking with Xiomara. I mean, Madam Hooch. We had to discuss… Well, there's no point in lying anymore. You told him, didn't you, Hermione?"
I glared. "Yes, but if I hadn't then I would have had to now."
She nodded. "Point taken. Anyway, we were discussing you, Hermione. I tutor someone in transfiguration that we think is… A bit of a swinger. We were thinking of setting you up. We need to talk to her, though. You can't just ask, after all."
"Right. Anyway, Harry and I have to go, Professor." I turned to leave and I could feel my cheeks growing hot. Wasn't it obvious that I didn't want to be set up? I wanted to dream about her, not have someone else thrust upon me. I knew nothing would happen with McGonagall, but I didn't want to think of anyone else at the moment. "Coming, Harry?"
I turned to see Harry. He was laughing.
"Sorry, it's just funny!" Harry explained.
I strode out, shaking my head. I heard footsteps behind me, proving that Harry was following. Harry caught up with me.
"Sorry, Hermione. I didn't mean to laugh," Harry told me, sympathetically.
"It's fine, Harry. Does it bother you, that I am? Are you going to act weird at all?" I asked, nervousness evident in my voice.
"Of course it doesn't bother me, Hermione. You're my friend." Harry smiled.
"Harry, do you mean it?"
Harry nodded.
I smiled and began to cry because of my happiness and gratefulness. My friends are really the very best friends, ever.
"What's wrong?" Harry asked me, suddenly concerned.
"I'm just so… Happy! The only thing that could make this better is if Ron forgave me!"
"Give him time. Did you tell him yet?" Harry asked me.
"I had to. That's what I was talking to him about this morning. He didn't really react. I almost didn't tell you today because that made me nervous." I confided.
"Hermione, your friends won't care. Ron is just angry. He won't care once he isn't mad at you anymore," Harry told me.
Oliver Wood ran up to the two of us. "Harry, we have practice! Didn't you remember?"
"Right. I'm coming. Sorry, Hermione. We'll talk later." Then Harry was dragged away by Oliver Wood.
"Who else do I have to tell?" I wondered aloud.
"Hermione? Are you talking to yourself?" Ginny asked me, laughing.
"Ginny!" She's as good as any to tell next. "Ginny, I actually have to tell you something."
Ginny was suddenly concerned. "Did you have another dream?"
I laughed. "No. But it is connected to that, in a way."
We began to walk up the stairs.
"Have you heard about the whole crush fiasco?" I asked her.
Ginny shook her head. "No. Ron tells me nothing." she laughed.
"Well. I have a crush on, please don't laugh, Professor McGonagall."
Ginny stared at me. "Why would I laugh? I can understand that. She's a great person. Caring, funny, intelligent, talented. She's really wonderful."
"You're not laughing? Or making fun of me? You're not shocked in the least?"
"Well, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Of all the people to have a crush on, it's not bad that it's her."
Ginny was being so accepting. I wished I had confided in her earlier. My train of thought came to an abrupt stop. "Wait, Ginny, are you…. Do you like her, too?"
"No. But I can understand why you would. And yes. I am bi. That's one of the big reasons why I like to make girls laugh. I love hearing girls laugh, so I love making them laugh. Actually, if you promise you won't laugh, I'll tell you who I did like," Ginny told me.
I was elated. She felt this way, too! I was immediately curious. "Who?"
"Professor Trelawney."
I could my eyes grow wide. "No! Are you kidding?"
"No, I'm not kidding. She's not bad to look at and she's nice when she's not predicting someone's death."
"I guess I can see that." I wanted to agree with her since she had been so understanding. I had just never gotten along with Trelawney, though.
Ginny explained that she had homework. She ran up the staircase after I nodded that I understood.
I spent the rest of the day in a trance, telling my friends when I saw them and continuing on my way.
I woke Monday morning thinking that Ron still hadn't forgiven me. I prepared for my classes later, walked to the common room and was surprised to find Ron waiting for me in an armchair.
"Ron?"
"I suppose I can forgive you. Harry told me, while telling me that he was completely neutral, how upset you were. He also refused to tell me who you like. So, now that we're not fighting, tell me." Ron looked at me and I could tell that my day was going to be instantly better.
"Promise not to laugh?" I asked. I intended to wait for an answer, but Ron made a face clearly saying that he was in no mood to play games. "I actually have a crush on Professor McGonagall."
Ron's eyes grew very wide and I could tell he was in shock. "No. Are you kidding?" I assumed he was waiting for an answer, but he spoke before I could answer. "She's old, Hermione."
I glared. "She's not that old, Ronald. Besides, she's very caring."
"Okay, Hermione. I still think it's mad to like her." I glared again. "I'll lay off! Let's go to breakfast. Harry's already down there. Then we get to go to transfiguration. Your favorite class." Ron said, teasingly. I glared again and elbowed him in the ribs.
Since I had been walking with Ron and Harry, I didn't reach the transfiguration room until just before class started. This meant, or so I assumed, I wouldn't get teased today.
I was very wrong.
"Now class, to receive full marks, you must transfigure these mice into tall, thin goblets, slightly aged. If Hermione likes the, you will receive extra credit."
I heard Ron and Harry attempt to stifle their laughter. I glared at the before noticing that McGonagall had seen this and was now cracking a smile in an attempt to cover her own laughter. I felt my face grow hot and I noticed my hands had begun shaking.
"That's really not fair!" I whispered harshly to my two best friends.
"But it's funny!" Ron managed to say before bursting into laughter. The rest of the class looked at us all.
Professor McGonagall strode to the desk that Harry, Ron, and I shared after noticing Ron's outburst. "Getting blotchy, Hermione?" she whispered, laughing again.
"That's not fair!" I whispered again, this time it was directed toward her.
"But it's funny!" This time Harry was the one who said it before laughing.
I bit back my response. What good would it really do? Anything I said would only spur them on more. I pulled my cloak tighter around my neck to hide the blotchiness that was slowly creeping up my neck.
Class came to a close and Ron wasted as much time as possible while the class filed out.
Professor noticed his slothfulness and walked over to speak with us. I pulled my cloak tighter again to hide the blotches that I knew were still there.
Harry and Ron were still laughing at her comment from earlier.
"Look, they make shapes!" McGonagall laughed, pointed at me. "It's a squirrel with a nut, how ironic!"
Harry and Ron doubled over in laughter. I scowled and covered my chest and neck with my cloak.
It was like a train wreck. I didn't want to stay and be made fun of, but I couldn't drag myself away.
Classes continued this way for the remainder of January and much of February. All during this time, I had begin to rely more and more on Professor McGonagall. I had begun writing her letters which I always vowed I would not give her, and then I always found myself giving them to her.
They were always ridiculously sappy letters that I wrote to her. Letters about how much I loved her and what I was always thinking. I always wrote about how I thought she was acting differently and that something had changed and she always claimed she wasn't.
The mood swings I had were atrocious as well. I would be so happy and whatnot, then I would suddenly get an attitude with her and be so rude. I would always remember later and feel incredibly bad. She didn't deserve any of that, but I just assume that I hoped that maybe if I was mean to hr, she would distance herself. If she did this, maybe I would finally be able to get angry with her and get over her.
It never worked, I just felt worse for being so mean. I began to hate myself very frequently and McGonagall was so scared for me.
That was probably one of the big things that kept me from trying to hurt myself. I had so often thought of hurting myself in some way, just to end all the pain. The fact that she worried was the only thing keeping me from doing anything drastic.
Ron sat me down by the fire late one Friday night to talk to me about my never-ending crush on McGonagall.
"Hermione, this crush is no good for you. It was funny at first, still is actually, but look what it's doing to you. Why do you like her so much? Do you even know?" Ron asked me.
"I don't know. I just… I think I love her. It's weird, but I do. No matter how much she makes fun of me, I think 'At least she knows I'm alive.'"
"She's no good for you. Have any of your other crushes lasted this long? Why is this one sticking?"
I paused to think. "None of my crushes have ever lasted longer than a few weeks. I don't know why this one is so long."
"Do you think you have a chance with her? Is that why?" Ron questioned me.
"No!" I answered immediately. "She's with Hooch for, like, the rest of her life. I wouldn't change that even if I could. It would be rather weird. I love her and I love that she's with Madam Hooch. Do you think Maybe I like her because I know that she is unattainable?" I asked as an explanation.
"No. I think you like her because you think, somewhere, deep in the back of your mind, you think she is attainable because she is a lesbian," Ron answered.
"That makes sense, in a way… But I don't think that's it." I shook my head. "I don't think she's attainable, at all. I know she's not."
"I think that, once you figure it out, you'll be over her," Ron told me. "Think about it, if you really think you could end up with her, it would explain why your subconscious mind won't let go of this crush."
When did Ron gain so much insight? I gasped and my eyes widened with sudden understanding. "I think you're right! All of my other crushes were on straight females. I went through the crush in a week or two. The first crush I get on a lesbian, and my mind won't let go! It all makes sense!"
"Now, the healing can begin," Ron said, getting out of his chair.
Could I really face her, now though? This would be the real test. Seeing her for the first time on Monday and seeing if my process of moving on would take.
"How ironic," I thought to myself, "that I my finally being over McGonagall will be tested on Valentine's Day!"
