Okay, I breathed, this is it! I'm going to ask! I walked into the common room and saw Ginny's tell-tale flaming red hair. I can't! I turned around but stopped myself. No! Pull yourself together, you coward!
I walked up to Ginny, the words of Professor McGonagall echoing in my mind…
"Hermione, I think she's playing you, I really do. I think she is just using you. I mean, think about it: Why won't she at least give you and her a try? You need to find out what is really going on with her. Just… Get a backbone! Ask her!"
… Hannah and Susan had said the same thing as McGonagall.
I breathed out in a long sigh, "Ginny?" She turned around in her armchair to face me. I took a deep breath, feeling the blotchies creep up my chest. "Ginny," I sighed, losing nerve.
Ginny expectantly smiled at me, obviously confused. Her smile! Sweet Merlin! How could someone so amazing play with the heart of one of her friends? It couldn't happen! I told myself. See, I'll ask so that I have proof. Ginny wouldn't hurt me, and when I have my answer, I'll have the proof for McGonagall, Hanna, and Susan. Then I can feel better about this whole damn thing!
"Ginny, I need to talk to you. I… I need to ask you something. I mean, you know how much I talk to Professor McGonagall, right?" She nodded. "Well, she, and Hanna and Susan, all think… Well, they think you're playing me. I mean, I told them no, that you weren't, but I… I needed to hear the words come from you."
"Hermione," she said, getting up and closing the gap, "surely you don't think that, do you?" I shook my head. "I would never play you! I would never want to hurt you! They don't understand the situation the way we do. Make them understand!"
I took a deep breath to keep myself from saying something I would regret later but the thought escaped anyway." Why can't we at least try?" I knew I had already asked this question many times, but no answer seemed good enough.
"Hermione, we've been though this! My parents would kill me!"
A thought that had been eating away at my conscienceness finally got the better of me. "But what about one of those boyfriends you had? The one who cheated on you? And lied to you? The one who played you! You snuck around for him! Why not me?" Tears stung my eyes bur I bit back my tears as my anger rose. I wanted to ask "Why aren't I good enough for you?" But I knew any answer would just devastate me.
"I can't, Hermione," she answered. "I can't love you. I can't be with you. I mean, my mother found out you're a lesbian," Because you have a big mouth and told her, Ginny! "and it scares her that I am such close friends with you! I bloody well cannot do that to her! Imagine how she would react if it were me! I don't want to be a disgrace to my parents! I don't know what to say to make you understand, Hermione." She paused. "And I don't care anymore."
She turned around left me standing in the common room, feeling alone and rejected. For a second time.
I sniffed back more tears and ran as quickly as I could in a dignified manner to the lavatory to wash away all signs of crying before I made my way though the familiar halls, hardly aware.
"Professor! That's it! I give up! I'm done with Ginny!" I exclaimed as I entered her office.
Professor McGonagall snorted a laugh, "Okay."
"No, you don't understand. I mean, I still love her, but I'm giving up. I'm really done."
"What happened?" she asked, her smile deflating.
As always, I explained everything, pausing briefly for her many "Hmm"s, "Oh dear!"s, and "Oh my!"s, as well as the occasional "Sweet Merlin!"
"I don't know what to tell you, Hermione. I think she's playing you, but I do think she likes you. It's complicated," she sighed.
"I know it is. That's why I'm un-complicating it. I'm giving up. Everything. All hope of anything ever happening with her."
"Okay…"
"No, I am! I am done!"
"Listen, Hermione, I think you're looking too hard. I mean, you need to just take a step back and stop looking. Really. I mean, I know you want a gf, but you're trying to hard. Stop looking," Professor McGonagall told me seriously.
I sighed. I knew she was right about this, just like I knew she was right to be skeptical. I wasn't really ready to give up on Ginny, even though I desperately wanted to. I nodded that I understood as I got up from my chair.
The following morning, Harry, Hannah, and I were waiting in Transfiguration as I told them both all about how I was done with Ginny.
"That's good," Hannah said, almost laughing. "You've been hung up on her for a while."
I nodded and turned to Harry, whose jaw dropped as he stared behind me.
"Hermione!" Harry whispered, gesturing to the back of the classroom and never breaking his stare back there. "Look!"
I turned around and my plastered on smile faded.
Professor McGonagall and Ginny were deep in conversation.
"What do suppose they're talking about?" I asked, forcing a smile.
Both McGonagall and Ginny looked at me briefly before turning back on one another. My stomach lurched and I could feel my face heat up, the first sign of blotchies.
"You," Harry and Hannah chorused.
I breathed out in a huff and shook my head. "It doesn't matter. I'm done with Ginny, remember?"
Hannah nodded tentatively before changing the subject and soon we were all laughing again.
Periodically, I checked back on the pair. Whatever it was that McGonagall and Ginny were talking about, it held their interest for quite a while. Honestly, the seeming intensity of their conversation made me slightly queasy. It didn't help that I knew McGonagall wouldn't tell me what was said, what with her and her strict codes of honor and loyalty.
I went to the quidditch game the following day and feigned interest in some random girl on the Ravenclaw team. I was basically dragged to the game, as it was. What's worse is I had no desire to show spirit. I mean, Gryffindor wasn't even playing. So, basically, Harry dragged me out into the cold stands in the snow. I figured the least I could do was make him thik that I really was over Ginny and that he helped.
"Harry!" I exclaimed, "Girl with ass! Did you see her?" I kept repeating myself, loudly, knowing that Ginny was in the stands around us. I knew, h however, to keep quiet when Professor McGonagall was around. She had, after all, just gone into a speech a few days before about looking too hard.
"Bloody hell, Hermione!" Harry finally said, laughing. "You need to take a cold shower and go to bed!"
"But, Harry!" I whined loudly, turning in my seat as I spotted Ginny. "Girl with ass! I want her!"
Harry laughed again, "I'll see if I can get her for your birthday present."
"But, that's almost a year away!"
Harry nodded, "Yes. Yes, it is."
We laughed again as I feigned being in agony and fidgeting.
"What's wrong with you now, Hermione?" Professor McGonagall asked, as she walked through the stands on her way to scold one of the Weasley twins for something or other.
I immediately stopped my fidgeting and looked at Harry, wide eyed. "Nothing."
Luckily for me, Lee Jordan and his commentary distracted her and she had to run off and stop him.
Harry and I soon broke out into laughter.
"Cold shower!" Harry scolded as he walked to the locker room to get ready for the practice that the Gryffindors had scheduled for right after the game.
I nodded with fake seriousness before laughing again and heading back to the castle.
At this point, I fully recognized how bad the situation was. Not only was I on the edge of denial about being in love with Ginny, I had now entered a new phase where I longed to make her jealous. After all my claims of being done with her, I really just wanted her to get over her fear of her parents so we could be happy.
What is wrong with me?
