A/N: So, I'm back (a little later than anticipated- so apologies for that). Once again thank you to everyone for your support of this story. I am putting through the wringer, but you are sticking with me, and I am truly grateful. I am having such a great time writing this fic (not that enjoying torturing these characters...) and a lot of that is due to those of you who continue to read and stick with this story. I love you all.
Ok, enough from me. Read on and let me know what you think.
Music: The Last Day on Earth- Kate Miller-Heidke, Somersault- Decoder Ring, Shrinking Universe- Muse
Billy's head flew up. "You cannot think that I wanted—"
"You wanted us apart," Jacob hissed. "Well, congratulations papa, you just got your wish."
"No," Billy shook his head. "No. I didn't—"
"You were keeping us apart," Jacob spoke slowly, enunciating every word. "You were the reason we were leaving. You were the reason Leah needed to farewell this place. You were the reason she was out there at that particular point in time. You were the reason she got her throat ripped out by some leech. You are the reason why she is no longer here. You, dad, it was all fucking you!"
"No," Billy's voice was barely audible. "I made a mistake, but what happened was not of my hands."
"It was," Jacob said, turning to walk out of the room. "You will realise it soon enough and I hope that it does to you, what you have done to me and Leah. I will never forgive you for this. Never."
XXXXX
Open eyes.
Throw back covers.
Get out of bed.
Shower.
Brush teeth.
Ignore Billy.
It was a simple enough routine to follow. Granted, it had only been a couple days since Jacob came up with it, but it was working from him. Separating each day into a set of specific instructions meant that he was focusing on the mundane- not on the awful.
Even so, the days seemed to move like molasses. Time could only creep slowly, meaning that Jacob needed to fight harder and harder in order to keep himself occupied.
One...two...three...
He counted each and every stroke of the toothbrush as he stood in front of the bathroom mirror. One hundred. No more, no less.
Thirty-five...thirty-six...thirty-seven...
As he focused on the numbers, he considered the reflection before him. He didn't look any different and that confused him somewhat. Everything inside had changed, surely something on the outside needed to reflect that. He shouldn't look normal, right? If he came across someone who had no knowledge of what had happened, they would think him completely normal. Maybe just a little tired, given the rings under his eyes. That seemed completely wrong to him.
A flash of dark in the corner of the mirror made his heart skip a beat. 'Leah,' he thought before whirling around. There was nothing, or no one, there.
Jacob shook his head, turning back to the mirror. He was straying from the routine and allowing his mind to wander into the forbidden zone. He needed to focus.
Eighty-one, eighty-two...eighty-three...
Much better.
After finally reaching the hundred mark, Jacob stepped out of the bathroom, expecting to be greeted by total silence. Not a word had been said between father and son since Jacob had spoken his mind two nights ago, and he was happy for it to stay that way. Quiet made it easier for him to focus, which meant that there was less chance of him slipping. He knew that if he had to speak to Billy there would be no way that he could keep his emotions in check.
However, today was different. Jacob frowned at the sound of his father's voice coming from the direction of the kitchen. It was low, and undecipherable- almost as if Billy did not want for Jacob to hear him.
Not realising that his hands had formed into tight fists, Jacob stepped into the kitchen. Billy glanced at him as his continued to talk into the phone, but looked away the second their eyes locked on one another.
"Uh huh," he was saying. "No, Sue was saying that it will just be a memorial of some sort. There won't be a casket...Tomorrow, yes...ok then...I will see you there."
Jacob watched as Billy silently put the phone back in the receiver, feeling completely rocked to the core. Leah's funeral, or memorial service, or whatever the fuck they wanted to call, was the next day. Jacob knew that it was approaching, knew that it was going to happen, but it had just been easier to pretend that he would not have to sit through that.
But, hearing Billy speak those words...
Jacob's train of thought stopped abruptly as a flash of red hot anger ripped through his body. Billy had just been discussing Leah's funeral as calmly as he would the weather.
"I hope you don't think that you would actually be welcome tomorrow," Jacob said, his voice low but laced with venom.
Billy's head whipped up, shocked by the sound of his son's voice. "Excuse me?"
"Leah's funeral. You were just talking like you were actually going to go. I just can't believe that you would even consider showing your face," Jacob replied. "You do realise that you won't be welcome there, don't you?"
Billy's eyes closed briefly and he let out a small sigh. "Jacob, I know that you are hurting. I know that you are angry and that you see this entire situation as my fault," he started. "But I am sorry. The only person who can tell me that I am not to attend is Sue. And in all the conversations that we have had these past couple of days, she has never once said that to me."
"Yeah, well what about how your own fucking son feels?" Jacob demanded. "You didn't consider that before. Maybe you could actually do that this time."
"Jacob, regardless of what you think of me, I loved Leah. I knew her since the day she was born. I watched her grow up and I played a role in her life," Billy said. "I will be going tomorrow to pay my respects."
"I cannot fucking believe you. Just wait, those in the dark will soon know what you have—"
"Jacob," Billy interrupted. "You are angry. I accept that. But tomorrow will not be the time or place for you to air your grievances. Take it out on me as much as you need, but tomorrow is about Leah, and her life- not your anger. You might not be willing to listen to me at the moment, but you will regret making a scene tomorrow. Think about Sue."
"Sue is at just as much fault as you," Jacob shot back.
"Fine, then think about Seth," Billy said. "He lost his father not that long ago, and now his sister. Do you think he would appreciate one of best friends causing trouble at her funeral?"
Jacob was not going to give Billy the satisfaction of telling him that he was right. So, with a final glare in the direction of his father, he turned and walked back in the direction of his bedroom.
After slamming the door behind him Jacob let out a shaky breath, as his body slid down to the floor. The routine was well and truly fucked. Billy had made sure of that. He knew that he would not be able to get tomorrow off his mind. To be completely honest, he was not sure that he could actually do it. Have to witness grief from so many people. It was going to be hard enough dealing with his own.
"I can't fucking do this," he muttered to himself. "I can't..."
Jacob trailed off as he caught a dark flash in the corner of his eye. His throat constricted as his thoughts automatically went back to the bathroom. He turned his head to the side, all the while convincing himself that he was crazy, and stopped when he saw her.
"Leah," he whispered.
She was just standing there, her face expressionless. Her eyes bore into his and he wanted nothing more than to sweep her up in his arms. He jumped up, and in that moment she disappeared.
"Leah?" His voice took on a desperate tone as he whirled around, trying to see where she had gone.
But there was no sign of her.
'Of course there isn't,' Jacob told himself harshly. 'Because she is fucking dead. You imagining her is not going to change that fact.'
XXXXX
When Jacob's eyes fluttered opened the following morning, he did not even bother attempting to go through his routine. The knowledge of what he was going to do that day had been weighing on him all night- in both his lucid and dreaming states.
After sitting up and throwing the covers off, Jacob glanced to the corner of his room and felt his stomach clench. Leah was standing there again, staring at him with deep and dark eyes. He jumped off the bed, stumbling slightly. After a few moments he regained his balance, his eye moving back to the corner.
It was empty.
"Fuck," Jacob muttered under his breath, running his hands through his hair. How the hell was he going to make it through the day?
XXXXX
Emily stood helplessly in front of the empty wardrobe, unable to make a decision. She grabbed a shirt from a hanger and held it up in front of her, as she turned to face the mirror. After a few seconds she grimaced and then threw it onto the accumulating pile on her bed.
"Em?" She looked in the mirror to see Sam's tall form filling the door frame behind her. "What's going on, sweetie? We need to go soon."
Emily chewed on her bottom lip. "I don't know what to wear- nothing seems right. I...I want to look nice for her, and nothing works."
"Emmy..." Sam's voice was gentle as he came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her slightly rounded stomach. "Leah never worried about what she wore. Take a leaf from her book."
Emily shook her head. "It sounds so stupid, but I have let her down in the past. This is my last chance to show her how much I cared. I know that clothes are not really going to do that, but..."
"I understand," Sam said. As he pressed his lips onto the top of her head, a sharp knock on the front door echoed through the house. "She always loved red- go with something red," he whispered into her ear, before walking out to the front door.
He was greeted by a dishevelled Jacob. His eyes had deep, black rings under them, his shirt untucked, and a tie hanging loosely around his neck.
"Jake."
Jake looked up at him. "I...I can't do today alone," he said quietly. "I didn't know who else..."
Sam stepped to the side, holding his arm out. "Come in."
XXXXX
Jacob could not remember the entire service, just fractions of the whole. He remembered the sea of sombre faces, sitting and murmuring quietly among each other in the afternoon sun. Each person who made eye contact with him looked at him with the same expression. The pity in his eyes made him feel ill.
He remembered sitting next to Emily, and having her grasp his hand. He could hear her weeping quietly throughout the duration of the service.
He remembered that he did not cry. He could only remember an intense exhaustion settling upon him. He did not have the energy to react one way or another.
He remembered Seth getting up to speak about his sister. However, exactly what was said was a mystery to him. Jacob could only remember staring at his younger friend, wondering how he could find the strength to get up at talk at such an event. He remembering thinking himself weak, as he knew there would be no way he could do that. He did not have that type of inner strength.
Jacob knew that other people got up and spoke, but he could not remember who. He remembered that there was no casket and that somebody had told him why, but that reason had escaped him.
He remembered seeing Billy embrace Sue. He remembered the anger that had coursed through his blood at the sight of the two. He remembered wanting to confront them, to expose them to all the people who were there mourning an event caused by them.
But then he remembered what Billy had said the day before. It was then that he farewelled Emily and Sam, and left them all behind. He couldn't be around people anymore. He needed to be by himself.
But one thing stuck most clearly in his mind. That throughout the entire service a lone figure stood on the edges of the tree line, staring at him. Jacob could only see her out of the corner of his eye- he did not dare to turn and look at somebody who was not really there.
Because, that would make him crazy, right?
XXXXX
Sue placed the sealed box on the coffee table and then sat down on the couch before it. The house was empty, the last guests from the wake had left an hour or so ago. Seth had accompanied Bella and Nessie home, promising that he would return shortly.
Sue could not train her eyes away from the box. She was not sure why she had decided to go with a cremation, instead of a burial. For some reason, it seemed more Leah. She would not have wanted to be left to stay in one place for eternity. She was a free spirit, after all.
But now, Sue needed to decide where to scatter her daughter's ashes. Her throat tightened at that thought. This was so wrong. A parent should not have to decide what to do with a child's body. It made the universe feel off-kilter, like the Earth was rotating in the wrong direction.
She sucked in a sharp breath, feeling a familiar prickling behind her eyes. She had been fighting this for days, by staying busy and distracted. By cleaning the house, organising the service, making sure that Seth was being looked after.
But there was nothing left to distract, nothing left for her to do but stare at the remnants of her daughter and let the tears finally fall.
XXXXX
If anything, Jacob found it harder during the days after Leah's funeral. Life on the reservation seemed to move towards the normal. People were going about their day and all Jacob wanted to do was scream at them. How could they just go on? How could they begin to forget so easily?
He couldn't bring himself to leave the house. He did not want to face people, to have them give him the same looks at the funeral or worst of all, have them smile and greet him like any old day.
He was alone; it was as simple as that. Billy had tried to speak to him several times after the service, but Jacob had blatantly ignored him. He had no idea why his father thought things would change, but there was not a chance in hell that he would ask him.
If he had taken a moment he would have been able to see the devastation reflecting in Billy's eyes. But he was unable to see past the walls he had put up around himself, unable to see past his own pain.
He stayed in his room most of time, only foraying into the kitchen for the occasional meal. He liked it in there. It was dark and confined, and there was still the faint scent of Leah lingering in the air. And most of all, he was able to stare at her unabashedly whenever she appeared.
This was happening more and more frequently.
She still remained silent, just staring at him without an expression on her face. While he knew that she was not real, he wanted so desperately to know what she feeling. He wanted her to tell him what he should be doing, how he should be reacting. He just wanted her- no matter how crazy it may have seemed.
Four days after the funeral, Jacob was in the kitchen putting together a sandwich. He had heard Billy leave and was taking advantage of the empty house. Unfortunately, his father must not have gone far, as he had only just smothered the bread with mayonnaise when he heard the front door open again.
"Jake," Billy said, his voice tinged with surprise, as he wheeled into the kitchen. "How are you?"
His appetite suddenly gone, Jacob just dropped the knife he was holding and made for the doorway.
"Jacob," Billy was pleading. "Please..."
Jacob did not even glance back as he strode back to his room. He inhaled deeply, trying to control the masses of emotions stirring up inside. It infuriated him that he allowed Billy to affect him in such a manner. He hated what he was becoming.
It was then that he saw her, standing and staring.
"Leah," he said, using that one word as plea for help, but she did not respond. "Leah!"
As her silence continued, the fury started to boil under Jacob's skin. Why was she even showing up if she was going to stand there? Was he that completely fucked up that he couldn't even get a hallucination right?
"Why won't you speak to me?" he yelled. "Why the fuck are you here?"
Her expression reacted slightly to this, her brow furrowing slightly.
"What do you want from me?" he demanded. "What more do you want from me? I want you so much but I can't! I fucking can't!" He reached, grabbing the first object he could find, and threw it against the wall. "I just want to be able to talk to you," he let out hoarsely as he dropped to the floor.
Leah did not move, but her eyes were reflecting the pain he was feeling.
"I just...miss you..." he let out, before burying his face into his hands. Within seconds violent sobs were racking his body. And as much as he wanted to feel it, as much as he needed to feel it, there was no small, comforting hand on his back.
There was nothing but him. He was alone.
