Inheritance
10.
I can't sleep.
Mostly 'cause it's too cold. It's always like that in space. It's funny 'cause when I was growing up I always thought space would be like home, kinda hot. I mean, with all those stars burning all over the place, I figured it would be like the desert without any atmosphere to shield you, and a spaceship would have to keep you cool and safe, the way home always kept Mom and me safe during a sandstorm. But it's not like that, really. Instead, it's cold and empty.
I kind of feel empty inside, too. We ate plenty today but mostly other than that it was boring, lots of sitting around talking and then of course we had to meditate and I couldn't make an excuse in front of Master Windu and they kept going forever and forever with it and I thought I was going to die of sitting still. I feel kinda hollow, right here inside my chest - 'cause guess what we talked about all day?
Slaves.
I wish the stupid steward droid gave us more than one blanket apiece. I'm freezing and my chest feels funny. If Mom were here, she would know without me saying anything and she would bring me another blanket and maybe stay for awhile until my chest stopped hurting so much. She would understand. But she isn't coming, is she? I mean, she's stuck on Tatooine and all, working for that sleemo Watto. She's a slave. Still.
Nobody freed her.
Master Qui-Gon tried, that's what he said. It's true 'cause he said it.
Except Master Obi-Wan always says there is no try, only do or do not.
So how come Master Qui-Gon did not free Mom? Did he not like her or something? She liked him, and I thought he really meant it when he said he was sorry, after the podrace when I got all the prize money and Watto wouldn't let us buy Mom too. Now my chest really hurts, so bad that it's making my eyes leak, and it's so cold. I'm shivering like I might be sick. One time at home when I stuck my hand under some junk to get this credit chit I saw down there, a baby drassil bit me. I was really, really sick and Mom was scared and I was shaking like this only worse and the local medic came and said I was gonna die. But I didn't, 'cause I decided not to. Mom needed me too much. So I just made the poison go away out of me – kinda by thinking really hard about it.
Maybe if I do that now…. But I can't make the cold go away, or the bad feeling either. It's different from just stupid old poison. It's inside me in a different way.
If I squint in the dark, I can see Master Windu up on the top bunk that folds down from the bulkheads near the ceiling. He looks like that picture of a jungle colwar I saw in the Archives the other day. He's all still and quiet and he blends into the dark so you can only tell he's there because of his breathing and the way he sort of fills up a room , like when it's gonna be a lightning storm and all the old folks can feel it in their joints before it comes. It's kinda hard to believe that Master Windu actually sleeps, but I guess he does, at least sometimes.
I thought the same thing about Master, too, when I first met him, After Naboo, when we got back to the Temple I mean, he didn't sleep for like five nights running and I started to wonder if maybe Jedi just always stayed awake and didn't need to rest. And then he just passed out one night and he was dead to the world for like a whole day. That's when I met Master Muln the first time. He's nice, mostly, and he came by that day and talked to me and took me around with him all over the place while Master Bant stayed with Master Obi-Wan. She said he was out of commission for a while but he would be all right and he didn't know what was good for him, either. It sounds bossy, but I could tell she was a little bit worried actually. And she said that even Jedi have to sleep, so that answered my question. She's a healer, I think, and she looks kinda like a fish, which is rugged. She has these enormous round eyes and everything. Master Muln said that grief claims a heavy toll, or something like that, but I don't think he got it quite right. Master Obi-Wan didn't even cry at Qui-Gon's funeral. I watched him super carefully and he just didn't.
But anyway, he's definitely asleep right now. And he doesn't fill up the room the same way that Master Windu does. It's more like a night-light, the kind Mom used to leave on for me when she thought I was afraid of the dark. I'm not afraid of anything - but I didn't tell her 'cause I really liked the way the little glow-lamp made everything in my room seem more beautiful and softer, like Mom and me were really free and all, and how it kept shining all night long no matter how dark it got outside, like it didn't care or anything. It was a nice lamp but Threepio broke it when he was stumbling around before I got his motivator circuits installed right.
Master won't care if I just kinda snuggle up next to him. After all, now we've got two blankets to share and besides, he's pretty warm anyway and he has a good smell – clean and a little spicy, 'cause he's a fanatic about being neat and all. My shivering starts to go away, so maybe I'm not really sick or at least not too bad. What do they do to you if you get sick when you're a Jedi? Watto used to get mad 'cause I couldn't work… and then he would call the nasty veterinarian. Animal doctors cost less than people doctors and there's not much difference between a slave and an animal anyway, I guess.
"Anakin?" Master says, all groggy, and frowning even though his eyes are closed.
"I'm cold."
He says something else, all mumbling. I think it might have been stars' end. He says that one a lot. But then he's quiet again, and I think maybe he's gone back to sleep. "Cept he's hogging the whole bunk and there's not much room for me so I push him just gently toward the wall to make more room, with both my hands shoving in his side. Only that wakes him up again.
"Anakin," he grumbles, with more of an irritated sound this time.
"I think I'm sick," I tell him. When we did that braiding thing, he promised that he would protect me and stuff. I hope he won't call the veterinarian. His hand comes up and touches the side of my head, and he doesn't say anything for a long time. Maybe I am sick, really bad this time. "What happens to a Padawan that gets sick?" I wonder. It might be pretty severe. Jedi are strict.
"Oh, his master generally maroons him on the nearest asteroid and promptly finds a healthier replacement," he tells me, with his voice all flat again.
He's joking. I can tell 'cause if that were true, then he wouldn't tell me. He would tell me something else instead, that was only kind of true depending how you look at it. "So did Master Qui-Gon ever do that to you?"
"Several times," he decides, and then he scoots over onto one side, not with his back to me though, which gives me lots more room and I can scoot even closer and maybe I'm not so sick after all. I feel warmer and that weird hurting feeling in my chest is going away, so I won't have to worry about that marooning thing, even if it weren't just a big load of bantha poodoo Master Obi-Wan made up to tease me.
Mom never teased me, not like that – but it feels all right. Sort of friendly. Maybe.
"Our conversation with Master Windu earlier disturbed you," Master says, all soft and quiet. He mostly doesn't say things that way. When he promised that I would be a Jedi, that night on Naboo, his voice was the same way – and I knew he really meant it. "I'm sorry, Anakin," he adds, and I know he means it this time too.
"'S okay," I say, even though it's not really. But it kinda is right now. It's nice to be warm and safe and for once I don't mind that somebody can see right through me into the inside where it's confusing. "I really hate talking about slaves," I tell him.
"I know," he says, and then he pauses like maybe he was going to say something else, but he doesn't. He puts his hand on top of my head again and then suddenly it's really warm and cozy and there's light everywhere, and..
I was going to say something else… about the Feorians and slaves and stuff… but I can't remember….cause I'm getting all sort of…. sleepy…. and….
