A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed. Unfortunately, there seem to be more of us with regrets than without about that first time.

Watch the dates on the blog. These are going to follow a reverse chronology. The first one was the last entry. This one occurs a few weeks before that, followed by Edward's response while on a plane to an unknown destination.

These characters belong to someone else.

Bella's Bloodsucking Blog

March 22, 2009

Perspective

I'm just going to put this out there right off the bat.

I saw him. He came to see me. The first one. The one who started it all. All of this time and he just showed up at my house. To say that I was surprised would be an understatement. And my emotions are still pretty raw on the whole subject so I'm going to try to keep them out of this.

Anyway, it's left me with a lot on my mind.

I probably shouldn't even be telling you, but what do I know anymore? I just have to write. It helps me think. And my perspective is so warped right now. Besides, I don't have anyone else to talk to about these things. Not anymore. So you're it.

I won't get into the details of why he came; they're just not important at this point. Well maybe that's not true. I'm just not sure what I think about everything he said, so I'll just keep it to myself for now.

He looked the same, of course. Always the same. I felt so small next to him. Incredibly weak.

But then I had a bit of an epiphany. Like, maybe never changing isn't all good. Do you forget to learn from your mistakes? Because my years have meant something to me. Changed me in both positive and negative ways, but I own that change. When I look in the mirror and I see the way my hips have gone wider, my teeth have turned more yellow, and my hair has grown darker, I know that those alterations go hand in hand with experience and effort. Good years and bad. I don't know much about religion or philosophy, but isn't some sort of learning at the heart of most of them?

And that made me feel stronger. Smarter. All these years, and I thought he was smartest and strongest thing I'd ever met, but I don't know what to think anymore. How could he be damn wise and so fucking stupid at the same time?

The picture of him hanging on the walls of my memory had not done him justice. But isn't it always that way? The details fade. Sometimes you can find a song or a movie or place that takes you back, makes the picture clearer, but it never lasts. You would think the pain would somehow keep the image crisper. Shouldn't you be able to remember the face of someone who hurt you that much?

Every feature was sharper than I recalled. The colors contrasted more vividly. And his eyes. I used to think merely of pretty and yummy things like topaz and butterscotch candies. But this time, I noticed the complementary hues of sunset on a field of amber wheat. Less permanent than a jewel; I couldn't wear that on my finger or around my neck, but it was possible to plop down in the middle of that field and run my hands through the blowing stalks. Candies were temporary too; they always melted away, but I never felt inspired by one. I have crashed hard after a sugar high wore off though, and I've come down from the intoxication of his presence, and the sense of loss is pretty much the same.

Come to think of it, maybe there had been change. I always remembered his eyes as sort of blank in a way. Like there was just nothing interesting left for him to see. There was more this time. Sadness? Regret?

I admit in my dreams last night I convinced myself I could be the source of whatever emotion was hanging out just behind his gaze. For a moment, it took away all his power and his strength and almost made him seem human.

I knew he wasn't human the first time I touched him. I didn't tell him that though. I remember the moment my hand flinched. I wondered how someone so cold could be alive, but he was standing in front of me, and I knew he wasn't dead.

The second time our skin made contact, I realized he was colder than dead. Not refrigerated but frozen.

It was almost a year before I finally realized I was right the first time. He wasn't dead; he was undead.

Vampires have no blood flowing through their veins, no heartbeat. Imagine the kind of cold that would come from no circulation.

There was another layer with him though. Something I've yet to understand. He was so cold it was almost hot if that makes any sense. Like touching your tongue to frozen metal. Yes, I know we've all been dumb enough to give that a try. It was the same thing with him. I knew I shouldn't keep touching him because it was bound to cause pain, but something made me do it. I don't know maybe it was like folks who have S&M fetishes or something. (I know you're out there. You'll have to write and tell me.) It hurt to touch him. But after the initial shock, it would settle into something else, something very, very good. And I couldn't resist that.

After I figured out what he was, I assumed it was a vampire thing—like something in the prey/predator relationships. I tried touching other vampires to see if I'd get the same reaction, but I never felt it with anyone else. It was just him. Just us.

I know I'm rambling. And I'm not telling you anything about his visit. Suffice to say. I pushed him away—well I tried to anyway. I can't exert much force on a vampire. I told him I didn't want him anymore. It was the second time I told him that. I insisted I didn't want him to try to save me. I guess in the end, my words were the successful shove my arms could not be. Because he left and promised not to return.

And now I wish I hadn't been so powerful, because it was all a lie.

That's as personal as it gets folks. Time to segue.

The connection he and I had may have been extraordinary, but the frigidity was still there with the others. I wondered how they could hide their identity. You can't touch something like that and not know.

Of course, the majority of vampires make no effort for genuine human contact, so they don't have to worry much about hiding it.

Based on my initial encounter, I wondered to what extent vampires engaged in physical contact with their prey.

I recently asked my current contact, who does drink human blood, whether he has ever tried to hide the fact that he is a vampire from anyone. It would be harder for him I think. Nothing about him seems remotely human. His eyes definitely don't make you think of America the Beautiful. Only one thing ever crossed my mind when I looked at him. Blood. So appropriate.

His answer was "Why would I? Humans are merely food."

I didn't have a response to that.

And I wasn't sure what it meant for me.

XXXX

Edward Present Day

At this point, I wouldn't have cared whether she'd lied or not. I was going to find her. But these were the words that gave me hope. Maybe she wouldn't hate the sight of me when I did.

She was right. I really was fucking stupid. I didn't see it. I left her completely exposed. I may be the world's most perfect predator, but when it came right down to it, I was powerless when it came to her. I failed to stay away when I really should have left, and I left when I really should have stayed.

My retreat was short though. It was only a matter of days before I realized I didn't care whether she wanted me or not. I was going to make her run away with me. I had planned to keep her safe even if I had to do so by force. But I was too late. She was gone.

I knew she'd never forgive me. The whole mess was my fault. From the beginning to the end. Whatever the end would be.

But I was as tired of living with regrets as I was of living as one. No more. From now on I would live as if I were not already dead.

E/N: I'm on summer break, so fingers crossed for another update toward the weekend if the kids cooperate.

You've been getting the reminder everywhere but don't forget the Indie nominations open today, and there is another week for nominations in the Bellies.

Next chapter is EPOV, and we get to see what happened after he met Bella.

The blog chapters are short, so you can use the extra time hit the review button and tell me. Have you ever done it? Put the tongue to frozen metal? I'll give you a little tease of the next chapter in exchange for that review.