Inheritance


40.

I'm no way going back to sleep.

I hate it when I get nightmares like that. Not 'cause I'm scared. It's just, they kinda hurt. Inside. Like there's this jabuur-weki thing inside of me and its trying to rip its way out and its claws that snatch and jaws that catch are all shredding and clawing at me until I'm like all torn up and mangled and stuff. And it hurts.

That's why I was yelling, 'cause it hurts.

I dreamed a lot of stuff, but mostly about leaving home and being a slave. In my dream I was saying goodbye to Mom and she said not to look back like she did in real life… only when I was walking after Master Qui-Gon I forgot what she said and I did look back. And Mom turned into this horrible thing all black with a beak and claws and dark wings and skin hanging off its bones and yellow eyes and ribs that were all closed like fingers around this beating heart and it wasn't her at all it was a thing, a bad thing – and I was shouting for Master Qui-Gon to come and stop it but he kept walking the other way and calling my name like I was s'posed to come, but he kept getting thinner and thinner – I mean, like light was shining through him until he wasn't there any more - and then that thing was chasing me.

And I was flying my podracer to get away and it was chasing me. Only the race wasn't fun it was horrible. And no matter how fast I tried to go the monster kept up with me and it was saying my name too like it knew me and it was pretending to be Mom but it wasn't, not really. And then I crashed. And the thing jumped on top of me and I was fighting it really hard and punching and kicking and screaming and stuff. And it kept shouting my name, louder and louder until I sorta woke up, all sweaty and cold and my heart going all crazy hoocha fast.

And at first I thought the monster was real and it really got me 'cause it was still holding onto my arms and all so I kicked it super hard in the belly except that's when it said Blast! just the same way Master always does and then I kinda stopped because you know what? That was him, not the monster at all.

"For stars' sake, Anakin." That's what Master Obi-Wan said right then, 'cause I think I nailed him, like right in the stomach, and he was kinda rubbing his hand there, like it hurt or something. And his voice was a little bit rough, you know, like if you get your wind knocked out.

I'm a pretty good kicker. I can take care of myself in a fight.

Then I told him to go away and leave me alone 'cause Jedi aren't s'posed to have nightmares and I don't want a stupid ol' lecture right now. And he kinda did. At least, I think he did.

But I didn't really – I mean, I just meant – oh wait. Here he comes again. He just got up and went outside for a moment. Maybe he had to… you know. But he's back now and he's all shining again – not on the outside I mean but in the Force, like he would blitz that dream monster thing if it came in here. I shouldn't have been such a baby about that stupid dream.

He sits down next to me and tries to un-mess his hair with one hand but it doesn't really work, and them he sticks his arms into opposite sleeves of his robe, which means it's cold but he's gonna stay for a minute right here next to me. I better wipe my face off before he sees that my eyes leaked a little bit. "Master?"

"There's no shame in it, Anakin," he says. I really hate it when he reads my mind, but I think he's not ever gonna stop so I just have to get used to it. When's he gonna teach me to shield so I can keep other Jedi from poking their noses in my business? I bet he did that all the time when he was a Padawan and Master Qui-Gon couldn't see what he was thinking so easy.

He snorts, like a laugh that didn't come out all the way. I wonder what he thinks is so funny?

"I had a horrible dream," I tell him, all suddenly. I hate it when my voice gets all wobbly like that, but Master doesn't notice. "I have them a lot, but they're really bad here."

"I know," he says.

Whoa. That's not really what I thought he would say and how does he know, anyway? I think he's just saying that to make me feel better, maybe. His eyes go sideways and then come back to me. That means he's thinking about something else that he's not going to tell me.

"Dreams pass in time," he says, after a while. He sounds like he hopes it's true, too. "They can show many things, but not all of them are… to be heeded."

Now his eyebrows go together and it makes a really deep line between them. He's kinda blocking me out, too. I can feel it – and hey! That must be shielding. It's like there's this wall in the Force, like an energy field thing. I kinda push against it with my own mind, just like when we were sharing memories, and he pushes back and then it's like a wrestling contest and just for a minute I see Master Qui-Gon except his face is all white and dead looking and then Master sorta jerks away and my head hurts a little.

"Hey!"

"Anakin," he says all sharp like I did something wrong.

"Sorry," I say. He's kinda mad but I still don't know what I did so wrong.

Master lets his breath out all slowly. "The Dark side is growing stronger here," he says in a really quiet voice. "We should meditate. The more we succumb to negative feelings, the stronger the jabuur-weki will grow."

"Yeah, but don't we have to stop it?" I mean, we can't just wait for it to get real super strong and then come and blitz all the Feorians. Jedi are s'posed to stop bad stuff from happening.

"The Force will guide us," he decides. "We must be ready – by staying anchored, centered. We cannot allow … dreams…. to imbalance us. Do you understand? The jabuur-weki feeds on fear, Anakin."

Fear. And when he says that, I think I know the name of the monster in my dream. And even though we're meditating and all and it's like Master is a lantern and I'm shining in his light and it's all warm and peaceful, that monster is still there all deep inside. And I think it might be outside too, waiting for me.

And it knows my name.