A/N: Back to the blog. Before you read this, here's a reminder that these go in reverse chronology, so everything you've read in her blogs hasn't happened yet.
The characters are not mine.
Bella's Bloodsucking Blog
January 25th, 2009
Hey Folks. I'm sort of having a bad week. This whole blog thing is harder than it looks. Not the actual writing, but putting yourself out there. I realize I'm contradicting a lot of convention here. You may disagree with the facts I provide. You may not believe me. You may think I'm a total whack job. And frankly, I would probably think the same thing if I were you. Many of you have also been researching the topic for years. Like me, you've been to conferences and chat rooms and parties and libraries, all in the hopes of connecting with people who have more information. I'm with you. It's been my focus for so long that I totally understand.
I barely made it through college because I couldn't keep my head on straight. But I managed to pass my classes and get a degree, and I guess that's what matters. I've been spending all of my free time and every dime I have on this endeavor, and I realize that it can be hard to process everything I'm throwing at you.
But I really have to ask you all to remember that I am still a living, breathing person here. I have feelings, and they can get hurt. Some of the comments have been a little out of line. I only delete or block the real idiots, so let's try to be more thoughtful.
Anyway, thought maybe I should try to attack some of the issues head one, so this is Q & A time. I'll answer what I can, but sometimes I have to be vague. Some questions I've addressed in other places, but if they come up often enough, I figure I can answer them again, right?
1. How old are you? Where do you live? Are you a student? Do you have a job? What do you do? Do you have a boyfriend? Can we go on a date?
For obvious reasons, I try not to reveal too much personal information in the blog. When I first started most of the readers were people I'd already connected with, but now it's a bit too big for that. So here are the quick answers: 23, WA, no, yes, as little as possible, no, probably not.
2. How did you know you met a vampire? And how did you feel about it?
Well, that's a good question. Because there are so many truths about vampires that are not consistent with what I expected, I didn't know for a long time that's what he was. I admit I knew he wasn't human. There were too many clues. Probably the three things that were most obvious were the temperature of skin, the sparkling in the sun, and the incredible speed. I've talked about all those characteristics before. It was also just a gut feeling.
Obviously, I didn't know or suspect that he and his family were vampires right away—nothing really pushed me in that direction. I had all kinds of stupid theories too embarrassing to mention. Believe it or not, it wasn't until after I left the wolves that I put it all together.
How did I feel about it? The aha moment was powerful. At first there was a sense of overwhelming relief. It felt so good to finally have the truth. But I have to be honest. Finding out I had dated both a werewolf and a vampire also threw me into a tailspin. My emotional state was out of control. I was confused and scared, and I wondered the hell was wrong with me.
Oddly though, it also helped with some of my anger at the time. There were moments when I could almost understand why he left. I mean, he was a vampire. He wanted more than my body; he wanted my blood too. The wolves didn't paint a positive picture of vampires, so for a while, I thought maybe I should be grateful he left. That feeling didn't last forever of course.
Anyway, it all put me on this path to wherever I am now. On this mission to do away with the secrets, to bridge our worlds.
3. So have you ever had sex with a vampire?
Speaking of personal questions. . . .
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Vampires are different than what you think. That isn't to say they aren't sexy and attractive or that you don't want to have sex with them; I just don't get the impression that most of them find humans all that appealing sexually as we are too breakable. I say this because I've met many so called "vamp hags" throughout the years who are really hoping to hook up them.
That said, I experienced a certain level of intimacy with my first vampire. Whatever you want to call what we did, it was better than any sex I've ever had.
4. Do you want to become one? Do you think you are one?
This comes up so much. No, I am not one. And I don't know if I want to become one. I'm not even sure it's possible to turn into one, but I'm hoping to get that information soon. Anyway, I really don't know how I feel about it at this point. I used to want that. Sometimes just so I could kick some ass; sometimes so I could find him and maybe being like him would mean we could be together. Sometimes, I just got caught up in the idea of it after so many years of thinking about it. I'm less certain about what I want every day.
5. What have you learned about vampires that most surprised you?
I would have to say the sun/daylight thing was most shocking to me. Perhaps because it's the most commonly believed fact about vampires. Sleeping in coffins and intolerance to the sun were so ingrained in me that it was hard to shake.
On one level it was one of the things that prevented me from ever thinking the word "vampire" with the first one I met. On another, I realized the depth of that secret. It meant so many things. They were stronger for it. If we all believed there was a weakened state during which we could drive a stake through their hearts, wouldn't that make it easier?
Plus, I have to say, seeing people sparkle is shocking. Oh btw, one reader wanted to know whether they sparkle "all over.' I assume so, but I have never seen a naked vampire in the sun, nor have I been compelled to ask my contact whether his penis sparkles.
6. I was wondering who your contact is because I think I have the same one. Does he have blond hair?
The blond hair thing is kind of a joke. Replace it with anything. Does he wear Docs? Does he have a scar? People want to know this all the time. My contacts have always expected anonymity, and I have provided it.
I imagine since I've met quite a few vampires, it's likely I'm not the only one to do so. I guess that means if you really do have a vampire contact, suppose they could be one and the same. I really don't think it's all that common though.
7. What made you decide to pursue something so dangerous?
A million dollar question if ever there was one. I could answer, "because I'm an idiot," but that wouldn't do it justice. I never really felt scared. Not before anyway. So, I didn't see what I was doing as dangerous. The contacts I made seemed genuinely interested in the same things I wanted . . . mutual understanding. Given my experience with the first ones, well it all made sense. I suppose that makes me naïve more than anything else.
Now, I'm just too far gone, and I'm in this until the end.
One of my long time readers wrote this:
"I've been reading your blog for some time and I think I
have learnt to read between the lines - are you doing this so he can find you?
is this blog just a way for you to hold onto your anger, a way to hold onto
him? your warnings are falling on deaf ears, you still love him after all
this time - go find him! every time i visit your blog i wish it to be gone,
for you to have put an end to all this denial, gone to follow what you won't
admit you want"
Some people are very smart. I wish it were all that simple. And I wish I knew what I wanted. Anger? Holding on? Maybe. It's evolved beyond that. And as far as going to find him. Well, the proverbial ball has never been in my court.
I'm going to stop there for today before I start telling you all the rest of my life story, and unless you all are looking for a good bedtime story, I'll save that for another day.
Until next time . . . Happy Hunting!
Edward
Present Day
So many things stood out to me in this blog. It wasn't the most revealing; it didn't say anything terribly interesting about vampires, but it said so much about her.
She had lost herself along the way. I honestly had expected her to move on. By now I thought she'd have been in love, maybe thinking about marriage. I thought she'd be in the passionate throws of her first post college job, perhaps still going out every Friday to dance the stress away. As much as it had pained me to walk away, I thought maybe it would be worth if she could just live a happy life. A happy human life.
But there was none of that. She worked a dead end job with flexible hours, which allowed her to pay the bills and continue her mission.
I should have tried harder. I should have let go of my pride and my fear. Instead, I sat back watching her self destruct, obeying the command of a broken hearted girl who told me to leave her alone. Too busy licking my own wounds to see how irreparable the damage to her had been.
She wasn't living any more than I had been. Funny how we both ended up dead anyway.
Well except for the one difference. She really was "a living, breathing person."
And that difference was the problem all along.
E/N: Oh I slid that one in, yes I did. Wolves. Were you expecting them? I get a little wiggy about the wolves myself, so I'll try not to make it painful. What you are biggest pet peeves about the wolves?
I forgot to thank mmm_feathers the last chapter for her rec on Twigasm. And whynot/fatallyobsessed is wearing the most beautiful fuzzy purple pimp hat.
Thank you to jackbauer/staceygirl and Aspenleaf for two questions I stole specifically for this update. And the "valued reader" quoted here was from one of mine, n7of9
A couple of notes: First round of indie voting is done; look for the next round to start on the 18th.
Voting begins today in the Age of Edward one shot contest. I'm going to take a moment to suggest you read and vote for a couple of awesome fics written by BATgirls:
Infamy by Jende http://www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/s/5193810/1/
Beneath the Silent Moon by Brigtherthansunshine28 http://www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/s/5194909/1/Beneath_the_Silent_Moon
To get to the C2 and to vote visit: http://www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/u/1939261/The_Age_of_Edward
