The characters are not mine.
Chapter 9: The Queen of Hearts and the Disappearing Cat
EPOV
The buzz caught me off guard. I had set ring tones for each family member, and I rarely got a call that wasn't from one of them. I was not expecting to see her name lit up on the display.
I hesitated. I didn't know what hearing her voice would do to me at that point, but a different kind of panic took over.
She'd said she would only call if it were an emergency. I had a flash of her being mauled by Jake, and I instantly responded to the buzz.
"What's wrong?" I answered.
Her breath caught as if she weren't expecting to hear my voice. "I . . . you still have this number?"
"Yes. What happened?" I was impatient. Worried.
"Why do you assume something is wrong?" she asked.
"Nothing happened?" As my fear subsided, frustration emerged.
"What do you mean?"
"Bella, you promised you wouldn't call."
"You promised you would." I could hear the struggle in her voice as she tried to remain calm. She took a few sharp breaths. Neither of us spoke.
I finally broke the silence.
"Bella? Are you alright?"
She laughed, but it was strained, as if it hurt.
"Bella? What's the matter? Are you okay?"
"No, I'm not alright. I'm not okay. It's been a year. God, I thought for sure you must have tossed the phone. Something. I started to think you must have died. I mean why else would you go a fucking year without calling? At least while your family was still around I knew you were okay. You were somewhere. But then they disappeared, and I figured you'd call. Anything….. A year, Edward! Why the hell would you do that to me?"
I despised what I had done to her. Why had I ever called her in the first place? I should have gone for the clean break. There was no way to rationale this.
"I was trying to give you space. To help you move on. It didn't make sense for us to keep torturing ourselves."
"I didn't consider it torture to talk with you. Did you?"
I answered without thinking.
"No, of course not." There was a pause. I immediately wondered whether honest was a good idea.
"So what changed?" she asked quietly.
"What do you mean?
"You were here."
"What makes you say that?" My eyes flew open in surprise. I wanted to kill Jacob in that moment. How could he tell her that? Why?
"Don't you think you'd be able to tell if I'd been in your room?"
I huffed. Obviously, I'd be able to smell her before I even entered the house, but we weren't dealing with the same set of senses.
"You're not denying it," she continued. Lying to her was too hard. I couldn't do it.
"No. How did you know?"
"More than one reason. A few things were a little 'off' on my desk. Nothing most people would notice, but I'm pretty particular about my notes and stuff. Your phone number was more visible. I'd kept that hidden very well. And yes, there was just a feeling. I noticed an energy in the room that was different, but what really set it off, was Jake's reaction. Jake is . . . well . . ."
"Your boyfriend." I cut her off.
"Something like that. Anyway, he's perceptive. Different. Sometimes I think he knows things I don't. He's kind of like you that way. Ultimately, who cares how I know. You were here. Why now? What did you want?" Her tone was almost hopeful. And I wanted to give her the answer behind the hope. But I didn't.
"I don't know." It wasn't dishonest, but it wasn't entirely forthcoming either.
"That's not good enough. I'm trying here. I think I've been very good. I didn't call you all this time. I stopped talking about you. I guess you could say I'm still pretending, Edward. It was only supposed to be for a day."
I inhaled just to buy an extra few seconds. "I honestly don't know what I wanted. I didn't really want anything. Maybe just to check in. I was out driving. I wasn't thinking, and I just kind of ended up there."
"You live close to hear then?" I should have anticipated the question, and I should have prepared an answer.
"Not that close, no. There are some things I can't answer, Bella."
"So . . . you still think about me?"
"Yes," I whispered. "But you deserve so much better."
She hesitated again. In the absence of words, I could her shifting and breathing on her end.
"Why do you get to determine that? Don't I get a say in what I deserve?"
"Not this time, Bella."
"Well, that's bullshit." I could almost hear her sit up a little straighter as she gained a greater sense of purpose. "I mean, you're telling me you think about me. You always said you wanted to be with me, but it's not in my best interest to be with you. I am legitimately asking why you get to make that decision for me. If you want me, and I want you, then being together is a risk we both take, and if it's a mistake, it's as much mine to make as yours."
"Bella, you have to let go of this. I can't be with you."
"But you want to be?"
"What difference does it make? You have a boyfriend right? That's good. You should move on." I wanted to answer the question truthfully, but we were getting nowhere.
"Who are you trying to convince, Edward? You haven't answered my question. Do you want to be with me."
"If you want me, why are you with Jake?"
She snapped.
"Fuck you. What right do you have to ask me that after all this time? You left me. You never called me. You told me to move on. So I did. And you're so right, Edward. Moving on is good. My moving on should make you very happy."
"What do you mean?"
"The idea that I'm fucking someone else now, Edward. That makes you feel good?"
I couldn't breathe, and for the first time since becoming a vampire I felt like I needed to. I already knew it. I'd seen it play out in Jacob's mind. I also knew it hadn't been an entirely happy experience for her. I was forced to swallow my bitterness. I wanted to scream or cry or ask her why, but I had no claim on those emotions.
"You have the right to sleep with whomever you wish," I said through clenched teeth.
"That's it? You have no reaction?"
"I don't deserve a reaction."
"But I do," she insisted.
"I'm not following you."
"I sure as hell deserve some sort of reaction from you. I lost my virginity to a boy who I knew loved me. But I couldn't say it to him, and afterward I realized I only did to see if it would feel half as good as it felt to be touched by you. I could barely stand to look at myself in the mirror for days, and all I get from you is a lecture of my rights?"
"I don't know what to say to that."
"Tell me it pisses you off. Tell me it makes you sad. Tell me you're jealous. Tell me you don't give a shit, but say something. Anything."
It was the most inane question. One she shouldn't have had to answer, and I didn't really want her too anyway, but the scared little teenage boy in me couldn't help it.
"Do you love him now?"
"Yes, I love him. He's the only thing holding me together most days. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me after you left? I wasn't functioning. And after your family left, it was hard. I tried to hide it but my dad really wanted to ship me off somewhere. I had to pull together just enough to get here. But here isn't real, Edward. It's just here. I love him, but I am not in love with him."
I swallowed though I had no saliva. "What do you want from me Bella?"
"Everything."
"I can't give you that."
"Can you give me anything?"
"I have nothing. I am nothing. Even if I could love you, I don't even have a heart left to give."
"So you really are a heartless bastard?"
I kept telling myself it was better this way. She needed to hate me. She needed to run as far away as she could. I'd been stalling, and it wasn't fair to either of us. She should finally see me for the monster I am.
"Oh my god. I am such an idiot. Ridiculously stupid. I know you haven't said it, but I really thought it had to be out of your control, or something. Like the mother ship came back or something, but it wasn't that at all. You don't love me."
"Bella, I . . ."
She cut me off. "No, wait. Unless the next words out of your mouth are, 'Bella, I do love you, and we will be together,' I don't want to hear them. So, I'm going to pause a second, and wait. If you can't say that, don't say anything.
She inhaled sharply. She was fiddling with something on the other end of the phone. I didn't speak.
"Well then, I'm done. I don't want to be. I just called .. . well I hoped maybe . . . since you stopped by . . . Anyway, I want you to know I'll never get over you. I will spend my whole life longing for whatever we have . . . had. Maybe it didn't mean anything to you, but it was everything to me. So, you can live with that. But I won't call again, and you can feel free to delete my number because I will not pick up your call. My heart may long for you, but I will not let you back in my head. I never want to see your face or feel your cold hands either. Don't you ever fucking come into my room again. You have no right to be here if you're too much of a coward to be with me"
I could hear her voice start to crack at the end of her last sentence. I could barely speak myself. "I'm sorry it as to be that way."
"Not as sorry as I am," she choked through tears.
"I think you're wrong though. You will get over me. Your feelings will change. It's what humans do."
"Please don't patronize me."
She held on though; neither of us wanting to break the connection.
"Be safe," I commanded. After all, that was the point of all of this.
And that was all she needed to click the red button.
That was it. I respected her wishes. She was forcing herself to get over me, and that was fair. She claimed she never would, but I knew humans just needed time.
Time was the last thing I needed. Time mocked me. Tormented me. I didn't keep clocks in the house. I measured time by sun up and sun down. And the hunting rituals of my family.
I didn't call. Or write. I didn't inquire about her in any way.
I didn't live. I barely breathed. Rarely hunted.
The worst possible thing had happened.
I fell in love with her. It was there. Right in front of me the whole time. I couldn't say it; didn't even dare think it when I most needed it, but now I knew. And it was too late.
Clearly I was a sick masochist. The exact moment I realized what I felt for her was the very one in which she told me to go to hell. Thankfully, I was already there so I didn't need to travel in this condition.
So fine. I'd been wandering bored through eternity before. How much worse could trip be with the burden of unrequited love?
I didn't really want to find out the answer, but I had little choice in the matter.
"Are you really going to stay away from her forever, Edward?" Alice asked one day when she dragged me out hunting.
"She asked me to leave her alone." It was that simple now. Between the Volturi and her command, I had no reason to see her again.
"Do you think she really meant it?"
"Why wouldn't she after the way I treated her?"
"Because you're an idiot."
"Thank you."
"I mean, you didn't tell her you love her."
"What makes you think I do?"
"Don't be silly, Edward."
"Honestly, I just kind of figured it out myself."
"So it's true? I wasn't actually sure."
"Does everyone else know?" I asked.
"No, not really. You've been hiding as well as you could around them."
"I'd like to keep it that way."
"Why? I don't understand. Isn't it a good thing to know how you feel? Doesn't this change things?"
"Alice, you know it doesn't. I don't have any good options here. Love is not a caveat in the vampires are secret rule book."
Despite becoming my nemesis, time did pass. It was slow, and I fought it every single day. I wouldn't say it got easier, but I was able to find the numb amidst the pain. Numb made it possible for me to stay away.
Another year passed. I assumed she graduated high school. I figured she went to college. I could almost live with myself when I imagined her in college classes, challenging professors, going to parties. That's what humans were supposed to do. It's what I had wanted for her all along.
I'd asked Alice never to look into her future. She couldn't really control the visions that came her way, but I'd hoped she could ignore them. Thankfully, she hadn't had a vision of Bella in a very long time.
It had been two years since our final phone call when Alice came in and sat down on the couch in my room.
Her mind was wide open, and I saw Bella walking across a college campus. She went to an advisor's office and declared a major. A decision made. She looked amazing. Like a woman. Almost out of my league as the wind blew her hair across her face.
I looked at Alice not able to hide my anger.
"I wasn't looking. This was not intentional, but I couldn't hide that it popped in. I have no idea why I just got a vision of her after all this time. I figured it would be best to show you know then let it slip sometime when we were with everyone else."
I nodded. I appreciated the sentiment.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"I'll be fine, Alice. I just need a little time to think."
She gave me a look that said she knew I was lying. I dreaded time to think.
Seeing her face through Alice's vision was almost enough of a spark to make me run to her. I knew the campus. She was in Seattle. Even closer to me than she had been in Forks.
But her face was filled with determination and confidence. And even if she hadn't told me to stay away, I couldn't swoop in now and risk destroying that. After all, Jake was right. Her determination had always been one of her best qualities.
Her face came alive when she was on a mission; the way her brain worked when trying to figure something out was probably the most significant reason why I'd fallen in love with her in the first place.
In the beginning, my attraction to her had been primal. Later, I saw it as essentially physical, but by now I realized it had been more than that. There was so much more that drew me in.
Just this little glimpse of her in the midst of a normal rite of passage was enough.
I felt confident I'd made the right decision to stay away.
In the relatively quiet of my room, Alice's vision became my favorite page in the scrapbook of memories I held on to. They may not have been tangible, but they ensured I would never forget her.
I became almost comfortable with the idea of never seeing her again. Not happy, but my resolution bred a degree of contentment.
And I learned to look at time differently. I was biding it. I could handle that. I didn't tell anyone my plan. It was best they didn't know. Bella was alive and well, living a very normal human existence. But when that life ended, my existence would as well.
The glimpse of Bella appeared to be an isolated event. We'd never figured out why Bella was unreadable to me, nor why Alice had such difficulty seeing her. But I accepted it as a blessing which prohibited Alice from sneaking too many peaks.
I took a few things for granted in that time. I assumed that Bella and Jake were still together, which was affording her a level of protection that, while not equal to my own, would serve as an adequate substitute. I also assumed that if there were any change, Jake would inform me. I believed we had that understanding between us. It was what kept me grounded, literally.
The next vision didn't come for nearly two more years. She would have been a junior in college by then, and while I wouldn't have minded seeing Bella out dancing with friends or taking the GRE, the vision Alice got was not welcome.
I saw it unfold as it happened. She Jasper and I were in the living room. Everyone else was out or occupied. Alice was getting up to grab her laptop when her vision hit. Jasper saw her start to sway and sat her back down next to him.
"Nooo!" I screamed, breaking Alice from her trance.
"What was it?" Jasper asked.
Alice looked at me and I shook my head. "Where did that come from? You have to go back and get more information."
"Edward, you know I can do that. It's gone."
"Alice, what was it?" Jasper demanded.
"Bella, Edward's human . . . as a vampire," she said softly.
"But how?" he asked. He turned to me.
Alice interjected. "I don't know. I only saw her. Have you been thinking about it Edward?"
"No, not really. You know it's always been a fleeting consideration, but I haven't made a decision to do it. Wouldn't that have to happen for you to see it?"
"I think so, but I don't really know. My visions have always been weird where she's concerned."
"What other possibility is there?" I wondered aloud.
"She couldn't have met another one of us, could she?" Jasper posited.
"Highly unlikely, and one that wouldn't kill her? It would be nearly impossible," I argued.
"Well, then it had to be you," Jasper said. "You think about it often enough."
Alice gave him a funny look, and he shrugged.
"Maybe one of us should check on her," Alice urged. "Just in case."
"It's not a bad idea," Jasper agreed.
"I can go right now," Alice said.
"No, I'll go."
I could rationalize it. It was my mess, I should be the one to go, and there were any danger, however unlikely, it was mine to face.
The real reason was less altruistic. If anyone was going to see her, it had to be me.
E/N: Thanks to hmonster4 for her fabulous beta skills. Did you see we have a new story up called The Fates. We've got Legna beta'ing and serving as a special contributor. It's tons of fun.
Big love to jackbauer/staceygirl for a pre-read and to Daisy3853 for my new siggy bling on the twi threads.
I appreciate you all sticking with me the New Moon moping phase. We're going to see more action now. Thanks so much for all the reviews on the last chapter. We ALMOST made it to that 1K mark. Dang it was close. I'll offer a reward anyway. Drop me a review this chapter, and I'll let you know the name of one vamp who is NOT a contact.
