A/N: And here it is. Edward's warning (probably NSFW)

I don't own these characters.

Chapter 10: EPOV

The Caterpillar's Mushroom

It was to be a quick in and out.

That's what I told myself anyway.

I was just going to make sure she was safe.

I wasn't going to talk to her. I had to see her. I needed assurance that she was okay. Just to be certain Alice's vision hadn't come true; to confirm what Jasper believed, that it was my own careless pondering that had caused it in the first place.

But it was going to be fast, and I wasn't going to let my presence be known.

I was still trying to do the right thing. If she was happy, and there were no signs of trouble, I would slip right back out and she would be none the wiser.

As was always the case when it came to Bella, I found myself doing the exact opposite of my intention.

I ended up watching her for a couple of months. From as far a distance as I could. I didn't follow her every move, but I kept a casual yet pervasive watch. I didn't go through her things like I had in Forks.

It was just that once I saw her, I couldn't leave. In part, because she was Bella, and how could I ever leave? And it wasn't that there was any obvious concern in regards to what Alice had seen. I didn't think there was.

It was the beauty of her absolutely mundane life that captivated me. I heard her alarm go off at 6:40 everyday; I listened for it. Invariably, she hit snooze at least once.

She sang in the shower at about 7:15. Consistently. The songs changed with her mood, but it always made me smile to hear her slightly out of tune crooning.

Her apartment was nothing special. I didn't want to venture inside since I was trying to keep my distance, but I had looked in one day while she was at work. The complex was large, the kind of place where one could blend in. All floor plans the same. She had one bedroom with a walk in closet. A bathroom and a small kitchen with complementary shades of gold and avocado from the late 70s. The stove had clearly been updated because it was a sparkly white in contrast to the green range hood.

She drove to work at Barnes and Noble. A large chain. Lots of employees, all dressed similarly. Nothing that would make her stand out.

Yet, she was all I saw.

She spent most of her free time on the computer or reading. I knew this from the sound of clicking or pages turning, as I was trying not to pry too deeply.

I couldn't say how long I would have carried on like that. Forever maybe. It was much easier than I'd expected. To just be near her, even if I couldn't be with her.

There were no vampires that I could see, and no wolves either. Somewhere along the line I realized that she must not have been with Jacob anymore. She didn't go anywhere on the weekends, and I hadn't heard any phone calls between them.

I was as close to happy as I had been since the day in the meadow. There were moments when I could envision myself slipping into that very existence with her. Her warning echoed in my mind, and I knew I would not be welcome if I joined her walk to work or sat beside her as she hit the keys on her laptop.

Yet another phone call changed everything.

"I have some news," Alice said slowly.

"What is it?"

"You're not going to like it, so I need you to remember to be calm," she stated.

"Did you have another vision?"

"No, I think this is probably worse."

"Alice, you're being overly dramatic."

"I'm not. Just promise me you won't do anything rash when I tell you okay?"

"Fine."

"Peter and Charlotte came to visit this weekend."

"Okay." I was actually glad I'd missed that. I didn't dislike them, but a social call wasn't on my agenda right now.

"You haven't noticed anything at all unusual with Bella? And no one . . . like us?" We never really liked to refer to ourselves as vampires. Euphemistic language managed to diminish the reality of what we were, at least in our own minds.

The question was foreboding though I couldn't think of anything that would give it credence.

"What the fuck Alice? Would you just spit it out?"

"Okay, well, they were telling us stories as they always do, and then Peter asked if we'd heard about the blog. Obviously, we didn't have a clue what he was talking about. Carlisle was particularly confused. You know how he avoids the internet if he can help it. Anyway, he said there's been some talk about a girl writing a vampire blog. With surprisingly accurate details. I can't believe you haven't seen anything." Her voice trailed off at the end.

I had a flash of Bella's fingers pounding away on the computer every free moment she had.

"What makes you think it has anything to with her?"

"Edward, I just sent you the link. It's called 'Bella's Bloodsucking Blog.'"

That old sensation came back. I hung up the phone and wretched.

I opened up my laptop and clicked on the link Alice sent. I read for about an hour. Skimming but taking in as much information as I could.

All this time I'd been watching her, and I'd missed this. She knew. How the hell did she know? Not only that, but she'd known other vampires. She'd been revealing secrets on the internet.

I picked up the phone and scrolled through my contacts. He didn't answer of course. Fucking coward. There was no doubt from my tone that I was livid.

"Jake, this is Edward. You know why I'm calling. What the hell were you thinking? I can't believe you let this happen and didn't tell me. We have a very bad situation, and I hold you personally responsible. If anything happens to her, I swear I'm coming for you."

The more I looked at the pages on the screen in front of me, the more I realized I didn't really have much choice but to talk to her. I gave Carlisle a quick call to let him know my plan and to see if he had any more information from Peter and Charlotte or whether he had anyone else he could call. He worried that any contacts he might make would raise more flags than it was worth. Nothing directly implicated us yet, but it wouldn't be that hard to connect our family to Bella with just a little digging.

So once again, I found myself at Bella's in the middle of the night.

I planned to scroll through her phone contacts or look for any information that would lead me to her sources. I would talk to her, but I needed information first. Information, then confrontation.

Once again, my plans never seemed to work when it came to her. She was sleeping, and I couldn't resist looking in on her. I'd seen her from afar, but not this close. She started mumbling. I couldn't help it. This was no longer a teenage girl; a woman lay in that bed. A woman with a perfect curve to her hips. A woman who still wore the sexiest plain white panties I'd ever seen.

I sat down, hoping to hear my name. It was vain and shallow and wrong of me to still want to hear it after all these years. I had read enough of the blog to know she still thought about me, but it seemed to be more about curiosity. She'd clearly been involved with other men; her skin had known the touch of other hands. Still, I wanted to believe that there was longing.

I was willing to admit that I had made mistakes. Her not knowing had not prevented her from learning the truth, had not kept her from harm's way. Her determination had won, though ultimately winning wasn't a good thing.

As wrong as it was, I needed her to think about me as I thought about her.

I was ready when the words started forming. I leaned in even though I would hear slightest whisper from anywhere in the house.

What I wasn't prepared for was the name that was released from her lips.

She had begun tossing and gripping at her sheets.

"RILEY!" she called. In the past she'd never fully woken when she was restless at night, so I completely caught off guard when her eyes flew open. She sat up and gasped. I moved fast, but not quite fast enough.

"Who's there? What do you want?" I was almost out the door but she continued to yell. "Who are you and what do you want from me?"

I couldn't leave her like that. I just couldn't.

She was still sitting in her bed; she had pulled up her covers with one hand. She was breathing hard.

"Bella?"

She looked up rapidly.

"You?"

"Yes."

"Why are you here?" I didn't know whether she'd forgotten her warning or she was too relieved to care, but there was no anger in her initial question.

"I read your blog, Bella."

"Okay, and your point is?"

"I'm not the only one who's read it."

"That was kind of the why I wrote it."

"You have to know how serious this is."

She shook her head suddenly, as if realizing what was happening, that she was talking to me.

"I told you not to come here."

"I know, but I had to anyway."

"You can't do this. You can't just show up here. This is my apartment, and I told you to stay away." She pulled her blankets in a little closer.

"It was wrong of me to come here in the middle of the night, but I really need to talk to you about this. Can we talk?"

"I don't think it's a good idea," Something about the way she said it reminded me of my own indecision when it came to her.

"Bella, please listen to me. Your writing is incredibly dangerous, and I just need to know more about how you know all this. You're not the only one at risk here."

She did not respond. She looked down at her bed and bit her lip.

"I didn't know, Edward," she said in the softest voice. She was only beginning to understand. I'd sensed that in her writing.

"I know. It's not your fault. It's mine. Will you talk to me? Maybe we can figure all this out."

"I don't know. I need to think about it. You left me with nothing. I'm not sure what I want to give you now."

"That seems . . . fair. If I leave my number, will you call me tomorrow?"

"Is it still the same?"

"Yes." We'd moved, but I had never changed the number.

"I still have it."

My brow furrowed. "But I thought you said . . ."

"It doesn't matter. I've always had it." Her tone was difficult to read. She was angry and impatient, but I sensed fear and I'd be a fool if I didn't notice there was more to it. Whatever attraction we'd had to each other was still there.

We stared at each other. I broke the silence. "I should go. Please call me. I won't be far. You'll need to lock up behind me." I motioned out of her bedroom toward the front door.

I walked at a perfectly human pace toward the front door. I was almost there, almost free of the intoxicating scent that had permeated my nose and settled in my throat.

"Wait," she called.

I stopped but didn't turn.

"Touch me?" she pleaded softly.

I took a breath and looked up to the ceiling. .

"You know I can't."

"You did before." She challenged. I exhaled.

"It's been too long. It's not a good idea."

"Fuck that!"

It stung like a fresh slap. I turned slowly. She didn't let me make it all the way around.

"It's a bullshit excuse and you know it. Either you're afraid or you don't want to touch me. Which one is it? Because I can't handle not knowing anymore. It's been too many years of not knowing whether you wanted me or hated me."

My hands were in my pockets, and I looked down at my shoes as if memorizing them. "Maybe it's both." She shook her head to clear it. How can you want someone and hate them at the same time?

"Why?"

"It's not safe."

"So, you're afraid?

"Yes."

"And?"

"And I want you. Of course I want you."

"But you won't touch me?"

"No."

"Then why are you here?"

"I thought that was obvious. To save your life."

"Don't bother."

Before her mouth had finished vibrating from the words she'd spoken I had her up against a wall, straining not to use force. I wasn't touching her, but my arms blocked her in place.

"Don't say that!" I growled. "Don't ever say that again."

"God damn it, then give me a reason to live. Show me that anything in my life is worth it. The only time I've ever felt alive is when you touched me. Please, Edward."

Logic told me that it was the worst thing I could do. Emotion made it my only option. I could not be this close to her and not touch her.

I was faced with another decision. Where to touch her, and with what part of my body. I needed to ease myself into this.

Not that I should be doing this at all.

I peeled one hand off the wall. I let it dangle in mid air while I decided. Bella closed her eyes and waited. She appeared calm, but her heart rate and breath gave away her anxiety.

She stood there, completely vulnerable to me. Trusting me to do the right thing. To take care of her fragile body, her open heart, and her brilliant mind.

I placed my hand back on the wall. And I did the absolute wrong thing, as I always seemed to do with her.

I kissed her.

It was much the same as our last kiss when I'd dropped her off at her house in Forks all those years ago. Quick. Chaste. Powerful.

Her eyes flew open in surprise, and I pulled my head back.

Her hand reached up to touch her lips. "It feels the same," she said, softly caressing her mouth. "I wasn't sure if it would. Did you still feel it?"

"Yes."

"I thought it was just because of what you are. But it wasn't. I touched Alice. And Riley. It's you. Just you."

"It's us, Bella." I wanted to ask her who Riley was, to find how she knew everything in that blog, but I was frozen. Afraid that if I said anything, she'd tell me to leave again, and I had no desire to go.

She nodded.

"Kiss me again, Edward."

"I shouldn't."

"Damn it, Edward. Who the hell cares about shouldn'ts? You're a fucking vampire. You shouldn't exist. So just kiss me for crying out loud."

"You didn't want me to come here; you didn't want me to touch you again."

"Stop thinking. I know you can do this. You can pretend too. We both can. Just for tonight. Whatever happened or what's to come. You pretend for me . . . for once. I need this."

I hadn't taken my eyes off her lips. I knew I wanted it. How many invitations could I possibly refuse?

Her tongue peaked out between her lips, and I simply didn't have the willpower to resist anymore.

My lips met hers, but this time the innocence was gone.

Maybe it had always been pretence anyway. Was the connection between ever really anything virtuous?

Our bodies cried for more. It seemed almost at once that so many things happened. She reached up and placed her hands on both sides of my face. Her palms setting my cheeks ablaze. I brought my hands off the wall and grabbed her hips. I spread my legs wider to even out the height difference and leaned forward to join our chests. The action created contact basically from head to toe and everything in between.

She moved her hands down my body. She didn't waste time. She went directly for my pants. There was no struggle with my belt. No swearing at the buttons. It was another reminder of lost innocence. She knew exactly what she was doing, what she wanted, and how she was going to get it.

It scared me. I'd never known what to do when I wasn't the one in control.

My kissing slowed. My hands broke contact.

She slipped a hand under the waistband of my underwear, and grabbed hold.

"Don't you fucking dare stop now," she commanded. "I've waited far too long for this. You are going to take me back to my bed now."

"Bella, I don't know if I can. It's not . . ."

"Safe? I know that. You keep saying that. Don't you get it? I really don't care. You owe me this."

She began stroking me, and I felt myself fall under her spell. My head fell forward, and my forehead rested against hers.

"I don't know if I'm strong enough, Bella."

"You are, Edward. I know you are."

She let go of me, and I stepped back uncertain of her intention.

She pulled her shirt over her head and stepped out of the sweats she was wearing, taking her panties with her.

She hadn't been wearing a bra, so she stood completely naked in front of me. I couldn't have imagined anything more perfect.

"I want this more than I've ever wanted anything. Please." She reached out her hand to lead me to her bed.

Being the complete fool that I am, I took her hand and I followed.

When we got to her room she sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Take your clothes off, Edward. I need to see you."

I complied, perhaps too rapidly. I forgot for a second what I was. Her eyes were wide and her mouth was slightly agape.

"I forgot how fast you are." She sort of giggled to herself. "Well, I guess if this is going to be painful, at least it'll be over quickly."

"I don't want to hurt you. I'm going to try not to." I sat down next to her on the bed. "And I don't have to do everything fast, Bella."

"Edward," she sighed.

My hands and tongue remembered favorite spots on her body. She responded to my touches and my licks with soft panting and the sweet scent of her physical arousal.

I tried to avoid the most dangerous places, where I could see her pulse for example. I couldn't begin to describe the burn. It was everywhere. Any time our skin met, or our tongues touched. But it was deeper and more painful than that. My throat was on fire. I felt like a newborn again. But somehow my body knew two passions. And It understood that if I satisfied the thirst first, I would always have the hunger.

We had fallen back on the bed. She found her way down and took me in her mouth, slowly and skillfully bringing me to the edge, but stopping just before pushing me over.

"Are you ready for me?" she whispered and she moved to straddle me.

"I'm more worried about you."

"Don't be. I've always been ready for this."

With that she crashed down on me, pulling me inside her in one fluid motion. We both cried out, whether it was from shock or the overwhelming sense of pleasure, I wasn't sure. There was a short pause before she moved first. Rocking up and down and forward and back. She threw her head back and moaned.

I thrust up to meet her when she pushed down. We moved in sync. I lost track of time. There were no fears, or hesitations. There was only us. Joined.

I slid one hand down from her hip and pressed my thumb against her, letting her movements create their own friction.

"Oh god," she whined. Then she leaned back slightly and increased the pace of her movements. I felt her before she said anything. Her body tensed in anticipation of its free fall.

"I think I'm there," she said followed by a sharp inhale. Her rocking ceased as her body shook. I kept a fast, steady rhythm. And I found myself losing control before I really wanted to. I could have stayed in her all night.

"Fuck, Bella, it feels too good."

"Just let yourself feel it, Edward. It's better than anything. I promise."

I was afraid to let go. Afraid that the thirst would overcome me in the heat of passion, but I couldn't fight it anymore.

She was right. There was nothing better. I had never known anything that felt as good as it felt to look into Bella's eyes after we'd made love.

She collapsed on top of me. I had stopped breathing. I was cautious in my touch, trying to avoid anywhere I might feel the rhythm of her heart pumping her blood. I put myself in some sort of mental lock down. I focused on morbid thoughts. Death, despair, loss. It wasn't what I wanted to think about it, but it worked.

My throat still hurt, but I was feeling more control.

I was able to begin letting my fingers, relax against her skin. I allowed myself to notice the beads of sweat at her brow and to hear the sigh of contentment she expressed when I kissed the top of her head.

"For the first time since you left, I don't feel crazy. You're real. It's real, isn't it?" she whispered in my ear.

"Yes, Bella. It's always been real."

E/N: A few things. They do not use protection, but I do not believe in vampire babies. So look at this as pre-BD canon. I'm honestly not sure of all the logic in it, but SM never talked condoms, and she didn't seem to think venom would be a problem in sex, and she didn't believe Edward could get Bella pregnant. I'm taking it and running with it, but I have no idea how or why.

Second, take a wiki on the title. Some say the caterpillar was a phallic symbol in Alice in Wonderland, and his mushroom represented a loss of innocence as Alice struggled with whether she was a big or little. So, this experience was clearly a crossroads for them.

Thanks to everyone still with me. I appreciate your support more than you know. Each review is very special to me. Blog chapter next, and then it's pretty much prologue time.

If you're not also reading the Fates, Hmonster4 and I are having a blast writing it.

Now, hit hte review button and tell me if you're glad he touched her or not!