Disclaimer: I don't own anything Supernatural and I am not making any profits off of this story. It all belongs to the CW and Eric Kripke so, please don't sue and please don't be offended by the language or situations the characters find themselves in.
Chapter 11
" Alright you two, come inside a few steps behind me, stay out of sight and don't make a sound." Said Pastor Jim in a hushed voice as he stood at the doors of the Chapel.
Both John and Dean nodded wordlessly with the slight feeling like they were on a hunt. In a manner they sort of were, and their quarry was inside the Chapel they were currently standing at the threshold of.
Pastor Jim nodded before turning and pushing one of the doors open with one hand, the other balancing the plate that held a very stuffed bologna sandwich with a healthy helping of all the necessary ingredients.
The Pastor's weapon of choice and Sam Winchester's offered lunch.
Pastor Jim stepped into the Chapel and stood at the very tip of the aisle flanked by long wooden pews on either side. The Pastor looked ahead and immediately spotted a shaggy mop of chocolate brown hair, the thirteen year old it belonged to sitting at the very first pew at the way at the front of the place of worship.
Feeling eager to get to the bottom of the mystery that had basically pulled up into his driveway this early afternoon, Pastor Jim took a step forward and began to quietly walk down the aisle of his Chapel towards the front pew and it's lone occupant.
As he walked, Pastor Jim's sharp ear caught the nearly inaudible sound of feet carefully shuffling behind him into the Chapel.
John and Dean Winchester in stealth mode.
" Don't blow it you two." Thought Pastor Jim as he continued walking down the aisle to the front pews.
From where he sat, Sam sat perfectly still and with his eyes fixed on the altar with a large banner of a cross draped over it with four large brass candle stands at each of it's corners, each with five identical white candles in the holders forming four diagonals pointing downward to wards the altar.
Sunlight was streaming in through the stained-glass windows, a color-tinted light bathing everything it touched.
Everything except a the thirteen year old sitting in the pew.
The light was blanketing Sam, but he felt none of the warm comfort it was offering.
His skin felt nothing, and beneath the surface was eternal ice.
Emptiness coursed through his veins as the chunky mass that had once been a normal loving heart, grow numb within his chest, the persistent ache retreating for the time being.
This Chapel used to be a place he loved coming to, he always felt at peace and protected in this place of worship.
But now this place that had once held such warmth seemed alien to him.
He didn't feel peace here. He didn't feel protected here.
Not anymore.
All he felt was a deep, all consuming despair and a wish to simple turn into dust and let the wind scatter him to the four corners of the Earth.
Sam was broken from his depressed thoughts when he caught movement a little ways under his chin. The boy looked down to see a light blue plate with liberally stuffed bologna sandwich on being held out for him to take.
Sam looked up with his moss green eyes and found the weathered but smiling blue ones of Pastor Jim Murphy staring back at him.
" Care for some lunch?" Asked Pastor Jim, breaking the silence that encompassed the Chapel.
Sam blinked at the Pastor before shifting his eyes to the offered bologna sandwich hovering under his chin.
Wordless, the boy reached up and took the plate Pastor Jim was holding into his hands.
" Thank you." Said Sam softly with his eyes downcast.
This detail did not go unnoticed by the Pastor as the man quietly took a tiny step closer to the thirteen year old.
The youngest Winchester silently scooted over just a little down the pew to give the Pastor room to sit.
Taking this as a good sign, the Pastor sank down beside the boy. The two sat in silence as Pastor Jim watched Sam take a few half-hearted bits at the bologna sandwich.
" Did I put enough mustard on that?" Asked the Pastor quietly.
" Yeah it's good, thanks." Said Sam after he'd swallowed a mouthful, still not meeting the Pastor's imploring gaze.
And so the two sat for a while, Pastor Jim deciding it best to let Sam finish his lunch before he tried to pry some answers out of the boy.
Someways near the back of the Chapel, John and Dean Winchester were doing their absolute best to stay out of sight and be a quiet as was humanly possible as they stealthily inched their way towards the front pews where the Pastor and their youngest were seated.
The two older Winchesters ducked and weaved until they were effectively hidden behind the side of the Confessional booth just a few feet away from the front pews and the two individuals sitting in the very first one.
The impending conversation that would hopefully transpire between these two was one they desperately needed to be in audience of.
Pastor Jim waited until Sam was done with eating before getting the thought to speak in his mind but, Sam Winchester promptly beat him to the punch.
" Did Dean and my Dad ask you to talk to me?" Asked Sam, his voice quiet but loud enough for the Pastor and the two hidden Winchester's to all hear.
" Yeah they did, they're worried about you, they've been worried for a while now. So tell me what's wrong, and don't tell me it's nothing Samuel." Said Pastor Jim gently, using the boy's full name and sending the youngest Winchester a firm but coaxing look.
" I don't wanna talk about it Pastor Jim." Said Sam, his gaze glued to his lap.
" Sam, you can talk to me about anything remember? And this isn't like you, you're supposed to be the bouncing, constant chatterbox who could go on and on for hours on end about everything. What's going on with you Sam, is the hunt you guys finished up in Wisconsin still bothering you?" Asked Pastor Jim, hoping to get something out of the young man.
The Pastor felt like they'd made a small inch of progress when Sam did look up at the mention of the hunt in Wisconsin with a slightly haunted look passing across his eyes before they grew blank again.
" What did Dean and Dad tell you about that hunt?" Asked Sam softly.
" They said that it was a rough one, a black dog nearly killed all of you but that the three of you defeated it in the end." Said Pastor Jim.
An all consuming silence followed after these words left Jim's mouth.
Then, Sam did something that chilled the very blood that coursed through the veins of Pastor Jim, John, and Dean.
He threw his head back and started laughing.
It was a cold, jagged sound and absolutely terrifying sight.
It was a thing that didn't belong here in a place of God.
" Oh that is so rich I tell you Pastor Jim, absolutely fucking rich." Cackled Sam loudly, a slight edge of hysteria to his voice.
Pastor Jim's eye grew wide as he stared at the boy before him, absolutely appalled by what had left Sam's mouth.
Of course things must've been really bad, the youngest Winchester had just cursed while sitting in the very front pew of a Chapel.
" Hee, hee. So they didn't tell you what really happened that night. Fine, I'll tell you what happened Pastor Jim." Giggled Sam before he turned his head to look at the stunned Pastor.
Jim actually felt fear in the pit of his stomach as Sam's eyes met his.
No longer moss-green but two dark, almost black orbs with a raw, dark rage swirling within their depths.
" You see Pastor Jim, we didn't take out that Black Dog.I did, all by myself because my father, the big bad hunter and my brother the Good little soldier got their asses knocked out cold by that thing. It chewed my Dad's leg up almost to ribbons and it sent Dean flying till the ground stopped him. He landed on his head. I was the only one left standing, so I went after that thing." Hissed Sam, his voice no longer giggly and slightly hysterical but cold and eerily calm, which was by far more terrifying to hear.
Pastor Jim was staring at Sam with his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide with disbelief, he just couldn't seem to get anything, mainly his vocal cords to work properly at the moment.
From where they were hidden behind the Confessional, John and Dean were both also gawking at their youngest, wondering if Sam was possessed by something because their was no way that the enraged, cussing in Church and then becoming eerily calm individual sitting beside Pastor Jim was their Sammy. And yet it was. And as they stood their, the memories of that horrible night that they'd tried so hard to forget were slowly beginning to boil back up to the surface.
" Sweet God, what happened that night?" Thought Pastor Jim.
As though he'd read the Pastor's mind, Sam began to recount the nightmarish events of that night.
With the intention of describing everything in full, gory detail.
" After the Black Dog threw Dean, I used my hand gun and I shot the thing. I hit it and it took off deeper into the woods. I dragged Dean over to where Dad was laying. After that I ripped off the sleeves of my shirt to patch up Dad as best I could and then I grabbed Dad's shotgun and Dean's hunting knife and I went after that thing, following it's blood trail." At this point, Sam pause and eyed a stunned Pastor Jim for a moment before he continued with his tale.
" I followed the blood trail, down a path that led to a clearing with a large rock face, it was snowing and I saw that the blood was leading to the rocks so, I headed there. The Black Dog was waiting for me." Sam paused for a breath and found the mass of rock that was his heart crack just a little, but he ignored the pain like he'd been doing for weeks now.
" What happened then Sam?" Asked Pastor Jim quietly, a part of him did want to know, but most of him was in agreement that the truth was necessary, especially since John and Dean had not been forthcoming in that area.
" The Black Dog came out of the shadows it was hiding in, he was mad a Hell and he wanted something to pay, I just happened to be there. It circled, I circled and them I saw that there was a crevice in the rock face and slowly backed into it. It was big enough for me but I could tell that it wasn't big enough for the Dog. When I'd slipped inside it, the Dog jumped ready to make a meal out of me, I had my hand gun with me so I used it again and emptied the rest of the clip into him. I fell backwards shooting and the next thing I know, the Black Dog's stuck between the walls, wedged too tight like a cork. After that I just stared at him, he was bleeding and howling at the top of his lungs, trying to get free." At this pointed, Sam stopped as the memories of his actions that night came roaring back.
But he wasn't moved by them in the least, he felt nothing as he remembered.
" What did you do Sam?" Asked Pastor Jim, his voice nearly and whisper as he waited for an answer with a pounding heart.
" He was howling, it was annoying me, so I shut him up. I shoved my Dad's shotgun down his throat and I pulled the trigger." Said Sam simply in that same terrifyingly calm voice.
Pastor Jim sat in horrified astonishment as he stared wide eyed at his young companion who carried on talking.
" My arms were bare, so blood splattered all over them and Dad's shotgun, it got onto the front of my shirt and a little bit sprinkled the side of my face too. I was alive, but I was stuck inside the crevice because that thing's corpse was blocking the only way out. Then I remembered that I had my brother's hunting knife and I used it. It wasn't hard to do because that thing's head was only hanging on by some meat and skin and, it didn't have much use for a head anymore. After that, I just waited for enough blood to coat the walls on either side of the Dog's body to make it slippery enough and then I kicked and shoved it loose and got out." Said Sam as he eyed the Pastor with an eerie detachment.
" Oh my God... Sam." Breathed Pastor Jim, not really knowing how to react to all that he'd just learned. The older man reached out to place a comforting hand on the boy's shoulder but, Sam was having none of that as he lightly flinched away from the incoming touch and smirked humorlessly.
" You wanna know something funny Pastor Jim? Asked Sam.
" Sure Sam." Said Pastor Jim quietly, waiting for more horror to spill out the youngest Winchester's mouth.
" That night, I was supposed to be in a school play. Dad and Dean were supposed to be in the audience." Said Sam, feeling sadness beginning to mingle with his anger.
" You were, well then why weren't you all there?" Asked Pastor Jim.
" The night before the hunt, I told Dad I didn't wanna go that I had to be in that play, I had a big role in it. Dad said that a school play was meaningless and that I'd just be a public embarrassment prancing around on the stage. He said the hunt was far more important, that peoples lives were at stake. I tried to tell him that it was important and then he asked my why I couldn't be more like Dean." Sam gritted out his brother's name through his teeth before he continued.
" I just lost it after that and I screamed out that I was Sam not Dean. And you know what Dad did? My dad screamed back, he said that things would be a hell of a lot better if I was more like Dean and then he called me a Whiny little Brat who screws up left and right." Said Sam, his voice quiver for a moment, loosing the calm tone for just a moment.
Pastor Jim was about to reassure the young man that his father wouldn't mean such a hurtful thing but Sam briskly cut him off.
" And the night of the hunt, me and Dean were walking down the path and Dean told me to quit being all bitchy about not going to the play. I said 'screw you.' and he got mad, he told me that Dad was right, that the hunt was more important, that my play didn't mean jack and then, he called me a Selfish Little Freak."
Now Pastor Jim was stunned.
It was one thing for John to say something out of line to his youngest.
It was a whole different story for Dean to be the one to say something like that to his brother.
" Sam, they didn't mean anything by what they said..." Pastor Jim began but Sam's eyes flashed with hurt and anger. But, he used every ounce of his will to hold his rage back and speak what was on his mind, calmly and clearly.
" All I ever hear out of my Dad's mouth is ' Be more like Dean' or ' Why can't you do it like your brother?'. It's always Dean this Dean that, every single day it's Dean, Dean, Dean." Hissed Sam feeling ugly resentment towards his brother bubbling in the pit of his stomach.
" Oh Sam. Listen, I can tell that you're very angry but you have to know that your dad and your brother didn't mean what they said." Said Jim, trying to get through to the boy.
" That school play, meant something to me, it mattered to me. I just wanted us to be together for one God-damn night that didn't involve guns or things trying to kill us. And I wasn't gonna be some public embarrassment on stage, a public embarrassment doesn't get the lead role!" Said Sam loudly with eyes blazing.
From where they stood in their hiding places, both Dean and John felt their hearts freeze cold within their chests as their youngest one's words crashed around their heads. But they stayed hidden as Sam spoke again.
His next words would make them feel like shriveling up and dying.
" And, I didn't just want them to be their for me, I wanted them to be there so I could prove that school bully Jared Rollins wrong when he said that my Family didn't give a damn about me and that I wasn't worth coming to anything for."
John and Dean's eyes grew wide as these words registered.
" Jared and some other guys had been bullying me for months, and he said that I was a freak and that... He said that my mom was probably glad that she was dead, and that she was way better off in Hell than having me for a son." Said Sam softly, his voice quivering for the first time.
" OH MY GOD SAM, THAT'S NOT TRUE!" Yelled Pastor Jim, utterly horrified, more horrified now then when Sam had been recounting his tale of the Black Dog Hunt.
" That the thing Pastor Jim, I don't have her to tell me otherwise. Dean and Dad don't talk about her, who's to say she isn't glad she's dead instead of having me for a son." Sighed Sam.
From where the were hidden, Dean and John gawked in utter disbelief at the back of their youngest one's head.
" It doesn't matter now, Dad and Dean proved him right, nothing that's important to me means anything to them. They didn't even apologize for what they said to me. Dean he... Dean used to make me feel great whenever I felt down about things or had an argument Dad. Now he's just like Dad, someone else who tells me that I'm not good enough. He even thinks that I'm a freak too." Gritted out Sam.
" And then there's Dad, that night that we got home after the hunt, he said he was proud of me. I wish I had been ripped apart by that Black Dog than hear him say that to me. My Dad was proud of me for butchering something and bathing in it's blood. He'd never say he was proud of me for a test I aced or anything else I was good at in school, but that night, I was a soulless monster and he was proud of me for that."
It was here that Sam finally stopped talking and abruptly stood up.
" Pastor Jim, stop trying to tell me that they didn't mean it. They wouldn't have said those things to me if deep down, they didn't feel that way. And it doesn't matter to me anymore. " Said Sam quietly before he slid out of the pew and began walking away with Pastor Jim scrambling to his feet with the intent to go after the boy.
Sam got a few steps in before he came to a halt beside the Confessional Booth.
" You can come out now Dean, Dad." Said Sam with slight annoyance lacing his voice.
John and Dean Winchester obeyed their youngest one and silently slunk out of their hiding place. They had heard every single word that Sam had spoken and were so shell-shocked that they had grown numb and couldn't think of what to do.
Sam eyed his father and his brother with cold, almost black eyes before with a small noise of muted disgust he walked passed them without any further eye contact.
" Sammy wait..." Began John when Sam whirled back around with lightening fast speed.
" For the last fucking time, it's Sam." Said the thirteen year old in that eerily calm voice, once not giving a damn that he was in Church.
" Sam I..." John began to speak when Sam cut him off.
" Save it Dad, for once I don't wanna hear anything outta you. You can go on saving your precious fucking strangers who we will never meet and who will never say thank you to us for saving their sorry ass's. They matter more to you than I ever did, they've always mattered more to you. But get one thing clear, I don't give a damn about these people. I'm only gonna be into hunting for mom, even though she's a stranger too and because I like killing things now. I won't whine, I won't fight you, I won't be a brat."
John felt his entire body go numb at his child's words and he couldn't for the life of him think of what to say to the son he'd hurt so badly.
" Sam wait, I'm sorry." Said Dean his eyes wide and over bright, guilt and anguish radiating off of him as he stepped forward towards his baby brother.
" Shut up Dean, I don't believe you. You're just like Dad now, you forgot everything you said to me that night and pretended everything was fine. You thought that I was being selfish for wanting us to be together as a family. Fine then, I won't be that selfish ever again, I'll won't ever ask you or dad for anything from now on. And I won't argue with Dad anymore so you won't get caught in the middle so be happy. But from this day on, you're not my Jerk anymore, you're just Dean." Said Sam flatly before he turned away and headed for the Chapel doors.
When he reached them, he stopped and then turned to face his family and spoke with a quiet defeat that was far worse than tears or anger would've been.
" You wanna know what's really sad? That even after everything, I don't hate you both, I tried to but it's too hard. You guys are still everything to me. I just wish I was something to the both of you."
And then Sam was walking over the threshold with the Chapel door swing shut behind him, leaving behind his family and Pastor Jim.
