These characters are not mine.
Bella's Bloodsucking Blog
November 10th, 2008
Hi everyone! So, we're coming to the end of fall, which is kind of depressing. I don't mind fall because it's about change. I'm not a big fan of winter though. Cold and wet don't make me happy. I grew up in the Southwest, and to this day I miss the heat and the sun, but it's not exactly conducive to vampire hunting there.
I'm still a little bummed that my contact isn't calling me back,, but I can't do anything about it. I have no idea what happened. I really thought we were friends, and obviously, I learned quite a bit from him. That said, I don't have any new vamp info for you this week.
Someone reminded me that I had promised to share more on the wolves, and I hadn't done that so it seemed like a pretty good topic right about now. Plus people are always asking how I finally figured out I'd met vampires, and the two go hand in hand.
I had to go back to remember what I'd already said. I might end up repeating myself a little here, so if I bore you, sorry.
I knew my vampires weren't human a long time before I knew exactly what they were. I actually learned about werewolves before vampires. I'm pretty sure I've said that before. It's all a little complicated, and yes, I realize how unlikely and insane it sounds for one human to have spent time with both. But really when you consider their link to each other, it makes sense. I explained this in the very first blog I think. The werewolves I knew existed solely to protect humans. They were the exact opposite of traditional "hounds of hell" type lore. Rather than serving evil or guarding vampires during the day, they really saw themselves as the good guys so to speak. They took their role very seriously.
Unlike my experience with the vampires, I didn't know instantly that the wolves weren't 100% human. It was quite a while, in fact. In retrospect it was all so obvious, and I couldn't believe how blind I'd been, but then again, I guess I was in a very weird place. My first vampire had just left me, and I wasn't really seeing anything clearly. I started hanging out with the pack shortly after my first vampire left. The others were still around.
I was absolutely obsessed with trying to figure out what kind of creatures they were. I was convinced they were aliens. I tried testing several theories. I made excuses to bump into them to see what they felt like, stuff like that. I wasn't talking to any of my other friends much though. I had pretty much shut myself off from any social activity. People who loved me were worried, so I had to make an effort.
The werewolves were my effort. Again, it all makes sense now. I'm pretty sure they knew why I was so upset, and they understood more than others what was going on with me. They didn't ask questions; they just let me be.
It was all a very slow process. I pretty much just hung out with my one friend. I'd known him since we were kids. I could relax around him. I knew he wanted more than friendship, but he seemed to understand that I couldn't go there . . . at least not at first. Over time, I was able to hang out with his friends and later the circle grew. Eventually, he did become my boyfriend. It wasn't fair to him, really because I was never fully there for him, but it was comfortable and easy and we kind of fell into it. I guess it was like an expectation or the inevitable; it just didn't seem worth it to fight against it.
There were signs all along that they were something not entirely human as well, but I missed them. Funny because I never missed a thing with the vampires. Maybe I was too tired, or too focused, or too out of it. I don't know. Unlike vampires, their skin ran abnormally hot. That was always brushed off with an excuse, so I let it go. The boys all grew a lot. And fast. They were huge, but not inhumanly huge. Because they were all from the same cultural background, it could be seen as simply a genetic issue.
Still with me? Quick recap?
Bella depressed when first vamp left.
Bella nearly sent to nut house.
Bella befriends pack of wolves, only she doesn't know what they are.
Sounds just like me right?
I was able to put together so many things long after the fact. Like the rest of the vampires left only a few months after the first one. In retrospect, it was about the time the boys started turning.
You see, for them, turning is sort of a coming of age thing. At least it is when there are vampires in the area. There was an entire generation that was skipped because they weren't needed for protection. It's absolutely fascinating genetic stuff, the kind of thing I wish could be studied. They are shrouded in secrecy too though. In fact, my friend, who later became my boyfriend, was forbidden from telling me. There is this weird pack thing that when the alpha male tells you what to do or not do, you literally have to follow. So even when I started to question some things, no one could be honest with me.
People ask me all the time how I figured out what the vampires were. I tell them eventually everything just clicked. When I was a little girl, I lost a tooth. The tooth fairy came, and I got some change under my pillow. The next day I found my tooth in a drawer in the kitchen. Someone might as well have flipped a switch. I remember confronting my dad with a statement like, "So, there's no tooth fairy huh?"
He apologized, and I just knew that it meant there was no Easter Bunny or Santa Claus either. My dad took me out for ice cream, but I thought it just sucked. Anyway, it was kind of like that with the wolves and vamps only instead of turning out to be fake, it was the opposite. I would love to tell you there was some big event, something momentous that brought it all together. It wasn't quite that big.
The last time I talked to my vampire was about a year after he left. I put things together pretty shortly after that. I figure that seeing him again sparked something. I'd been numbing myself for a long time, trying not to be crazy. Suddenly, my eyes were open, and I started to notice all the weird things more. Why were they so big and so hot? I paid closer attention. I gathered information. I took notes. I was way off base. I thought it was drugs or something. Maybe a cult or ritualistic behavior. It seems I'm never right in my initial assessment.
Then, me being me, I followed my boyfriend one night, and I saw the transformation for my own eyes. It wasn't a full moon or midnight or anything like that. Just some random night. One second he was standing there talking to his friends, the next he was a very large wolf tearing off into the woods. I was frozen on the spot, completely unable to process what I'd just seen.
I remember willing my feet to move. Something told me I should get out of there. I'd never once been afraid of my vampire, but this frightened me.
I barely made it back to the house before I fell apart. I couldn't believe this was happening to me, and I really did think I might have gone off the deep end. Maybe I'd just started seeing things.
Time, tears, and talking. That's what it took to understand. Once I was "in the know" I was able to hear the stories and legends of how they came to be. The elders wove fantastic tales about "cold ones." In the blink of an eye, I had my answer.
I wasn't relieved though. I was pissed. My boyfriend, who claimed to love me, had spent over a year hiding something like that from me, and I'm not talking about this transformation. He had to have known that I was intent on figuring out what the vampires were; he knew. He had the power to help me understand, and he ignored it. I suppose there was no way to fully recover from that. I blamed him for a lot of lost time and energy.
I was too scared to leave or break up with him. I stayed; I learned. I guess I used him. I always had really. They filled my head with all kinds of terrible notions about vampires, and I had a hard time trying to reconcile that with the experience I'd had, but I did drop my research for a while.
I was in another kind of fog in a way. Almost a denial. I went off to college; it was an escape from everything. At first I went home as often as I could, or my boyfriend came to see me. When I was out of his presence, the drug began to wear off. It wasn't enough to know what they were; I needed more information, and I wasn't getting it from their enemies. It became a major source of conflict. Between being fundamentally at odds, having a long distance relationships, and never really being in love him, our relationship was doomed.
My freshman year was really a transformative time for me. It was the year I understood I could follow my passions, but "pass" for normal. I made new friends online; I went to my first convention where I met other believers. I stopped contemplating the best suicide methods.
I guess you could say I was doing alright. I went along just fine for a good long while. I got greedy though. That's when I started hanging out in all the wrong places, looking for vampires. I was lucky enough to find out. That brings me full circle, and you all know that story already.
This is getting long, and I turned this into more of a story than I intended. I think I hit the major points about the werewolves though. I'll put up a fact sheet for clarification. Here's a quick bullet of some of the most interesting things.
Mind reading between pack members.
No moon required for phasing.
Genetic
Only transform to save humans from vampires
Run exceptionally hot
Controlled by alpha male
Volatile: particularly right after phasing begins. I didn't know this until later, but I guess they all took major precautions around me. They can't control themselves. I found it odd. If they were created to save humans, it seemed like a major flaw in the genetic design, but they wouldn't talk more about it.
They do not age while they are phasing. If they stop phasing, they will return to normal aging process.
That's it for now. Here's hoping my contact calls, but I'm going to keep looking for a new contact just in case.
Happy Hunting everyone!
XXXXXXX
EPOV
Planes were very difficult for me. So many people in one place. Between the smells, the sounds, and thoughts, it was very hard to shut down. Re-reading Bella's blog was helping me focus. After this entry, I let the chaos envelop me. I inhaled the sweat, the blood, the tears of crying babies. I heard the mumbles, the ice cubes clanking, the snores. I took in the offensive sounds in order to drown out what I felt when I let the reality of it sink in.
Over and over again, I was reminded how badly I had failed. It didn't do any good to wallow in it. I knew that logically, but each time I was faced with one more example, I found myself slipping. I wanted to keep my focus on the future, on action, on plans. Not on all the ways I had fucked up. The most egregious offenses were easy to list. Leaving Bella alone at all was high on the list. Leaving her with a werewolf had been incredibly stupid. The worst though, the most unforgivable was that I'd left her without ever telling her I loved her.
There was a chance she'd never know.
If she's still alive, that is the first thing I need to fix.
E/N: Hi folks! Thanks so much for the feedback on the last chapter. Seems most people liked touching, but you know it's going to complicate things going forward. You're absolutely right. We get complication and prologue next chapter.
I'll try not to keep you hanging too long. Alternating updates with The Fates, so sometimes, it's a 4 and I are having too much fun though. Check it out if you haven't.
I need to thank someone who nominated me for Twific awards as I'm assured it wasn't my usual pimp. Speaking of Daisy, thanks for the pre-read and for always finding the last minute errors.
Between fanfic and my email, I may have missed some review replies last time, and for that I'm sorry. I'll do better this time. In fact, I'm happy to offer up a teaser if you feel like dropping me a line.
