The characters are not mine.

Chapter 11: The Mock Turtle

EPOV

I felt a little like I'd driven a car straight into a brick wall going a hundred miles per hour. Vampires don't really have adrenaline, but I felt that kind of high. It was so many things. The build up. The release. The way I felt about her. The fear for her, of what was or wasn't to come.

She had collapsed on top of me, and I rested one had on the small of her back. Her left leg was draped across mine. We didn't move for a while. We didn't dare say anything.

Her breathing told me she was close to sleep, but I could feel her start to shiver.

"You're cold."

"Maybe a little," she admitted sleepily.

"It's me. I should get up."

"No, don't even think about it. I'll grab a blanket . . . or two."

She walked to the closet and pulled out a second comforter. She didn't bother covering herself.

"You're so confident," I said without thinking.

"Huh?" She turned toward me, completely naked holding the blanket in one hand.

"You know what you want, and you don't stop yourself from getting it. You've always been that way, but I do remember you being more modest."

She looked down at herself quickly, looked back up at me, and shrugged her shoulders. "Does it bother you?"

"Not at all. I was just thinking about the ways you've changed."

"Well, sometimes life changes you. I'm more the same than I am different." She walked back to the bed, not bothering to hide behind the blanket she held.

"Yes, I see that." Her words cut to the bone though. I wasn't sure if she realized just how prophetic they were. Life changes you.

"But yes, I have more experience. I'm older now." She was back in bed, pulling the covers up around her then. And again, there it was . . . life and change.

"I know." There was so much to say, so many separate but related conversations to have, but I didn't know where to begin, so I said nothing. I avoided. Bella curled up under the covers, and I assumed she would fall right to sleep.

"How old are you?" she surprised me by asking.

"You sure you want to know?"

"Yes, I want to know lots of things about you."

"Human years or vampire?" It was the first time I'd ever acknowledged what I was to her. She shock registered on her face, but then she thought for a minute.

"Both I guess."

"I was born in 1901, and I was changed when I was seventeen."

She didn't follow up at all. I had no way of knowing how she felt about either of those statements. By human standards, she was an older woman now. Too old to be dating a seventeen- year- old boy. By other standards, I was ancient.

"Bella, who's Riley?"

"Why do you ask?" There was a hint of panic in her voice, and she propped herself up on her elbow to look at me. "Do you know him?"

"No, you said his name in your sleep."

"Oh." She picked at the blanket, as she tried to settle herself into the bed. "He's . . . a friend."

"Human?"

"Can we talk about this more tomorrow, Edward? I'm really tired." I looked into her eyes, and it was clear that she was. There was so much I needed to know, but one night wouldn't hurt. What was a little more pretending? Suddenly, her eyes widened, and she put her hand out to grab my arm. "You'll be here tomorrow right?"

"We have a lot to discuss, so yes, I'll be here."

Her brow furrowed slightly, but she closed her eyes. "Okay, well tomorrow then. Well later today. Whatever."

I began to run my fingers lightly up and down her back. Before she fell asleep, she whispered, "I needed you, Edward."

It was nearing dawn at that point. I looked down at our bodies entwined on the bed. Sun began to filter through the window, and I watched my skin change. My skin was not marred by freckles or tiny hairs, but looked entirely wrong as it sparkled ridiculously against her gloriously imperfect body.

That's when my head really started swimming. This was no longer a quick anything. What the hell was I thinking? Could I even leave now? It would destroy her . . . and me. What good could come of this? I admit I was surprised things had gone as well as they had. The result had been simply amazing. I'd never felt anything like that. I suspected I never would again.

My thoughts began to overwhelm me, and despite the two comforters, Bella was curled up in a ball trying to conserve her body heat, so I slipped out of bed. I grabbed my pants, and wandered into the living room. I was tempted to fire up her computer to see what I could find, but given the circumstances, it no longer felt appropriate.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and turned it over in my hands for a while. I hit the button knowing she'd be getting ready for school by now.

"Hi Edward." The tone was resigned. She had expected my call.

"How much do you know?"

"I don't know what actually happened, only where things were headed. At least where you both wanted them to head. Did it go there?"

"Yeah."

"You don't sound very happy about it. Did everything go okay?"

"Yes, it was fine. Better than I expected actually."

"Well, that's good then, Edward."

"I know."

"You're not convincing me of anything."

"What now, Alice?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean nothing's changed has it?"

"I don't think that's true. I think there are a lot of things that are different."

"Like what?"

"Like the fact that she's in too deep. It's only a matter of time before someone kills her or changes her at this point. Even if I didn't have the visions, it would seem pretty obvious, don't you think?" Alice explained.

"There has to be another way," I argued.

"Edward, be realistic."

"What is everyone else saying?" I asked.

"No one's really sure what you're doing there, and they think you should just stay away because it could cause us all trouble."

"Do they know what happened here?"

"Of course not. I didn't even know," Alice retorted.

"Will you keep it that way?"

She exhaled needlessly. "I suppose."

"I don't know what to do, Alice. I don't know what the fuck to do."

"And I don't know what to tell you, Edward. After all these years, your options really haven't changed at all."

Alice was right. I really had limited options at this point. I sat on the couch pondering them. After about an hour, I heard her stirring in the room, and I knew she was close to waking. I probably should have gone in to be there, but I was buying myself more time.

She was quiet but not quiet enough.

She let out a breath in relief when she saw me sitting on the couch.

"You're still here," Bella said. I couldn't identify whether it was a question or a statement.

"I told you I would be."

"I don't really believe most of what you say anymore," she answered in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Fair enough."

"I'm going to make some coffee. Do you need anything?"

I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. She shrugged and walked away. The kitchen wasn't far away; we could have been talking, but I don't think either of us really wanted to have any part of this conversation.

"Why are you here, Edward?" she began when she walked back into the room holding a mug between two hands. She sat down on in the chair adjacent the couch. She tucked one foot under a leg that she rested on the coffee table. "I mean. I know I asked last night, but why now? What happened?"

I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my legs. "I've been in town for a while. Alice . . ." I stopped suddenly aware of just how little she knew. "Alice has visions of the future, and she saw something about you that was concerning, so I came to see what was happening, but I didn't see any trouble. Then the other day, I got a call. A friend was passing through town and shared news about your blog. It seems people are talking."

I waited for a response. She pulled her other leg up into a cross legged position. "How long?"

I looked up at her.

"How long have you been in the area?" she repeated.

"A couple of months."

"And just now you came here?" Her tone revealed nothing but curiosity.

"Yes."

"Because of the blog?"

"Yes."

"I see," she said looking down at her legs.

"What?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all. So, you said you came here to save me. What did you mean by that?"

"You have to stop."

"I don't think it really matters at this point does it?"

"I don't believe that."

"Bullshit. I made my own bed. I'm not proud of it, but it's my responsibility. I'll deal with the consequences, even if it's death. I'm not afraid to die, Edward. It should be pretty clear that I'm not really living anyway."

"Please don't say that."

"I meant what I said last night. I didn't know. My first contact was like you I think, if I've figured you out right. You don't drink human blood do you?" It felt like a change of subject, but this was the first we'd really talked about what I was.

"No, how did you know?" I asked slowly.

"Well the fact that you go to human school was a big clue; no one was dying around Forks. Over time though, the biggest issue was your eyes, of course , but I didn't know all of that until fairly recently."

"Who are these contacts?"

She was quite for minute. Deep in concentration.

"I think it's best if you don't know. You said it yourself. If people did any real digging, it wouldn't be that hard to connect me to Forks, to you. I've never given anything away, but I think it's best if I don't tell you."

I laughed.

"What?"

"It just figures."

"I don't understand."

"Bella, I can read minds."

"Read minds? Like you know what people are thinking?" She seemed incredulous.

"Pretty much."

"Oh, well then why did you ask the question?"

"I can't read yours," I stated simply. She pondered that for a minute.

"Really?"

I nodded.

"Huh."

"It was one of the things that first attracted me to you. I liked the peace you give me. Anyway, I just found it a bit ironic that I can't read your mind, and you have the information I most want right now."

"What would you do with the information?"

"I'd go after them. Figure out what their game is. They're playing you. I want to know why."

"There you go," she stated as if it answered the question.

"What?"

"That's why I won't tell you. It's hard to admit, but by now I know I'm being played. I didn't at first, obviously. Riley really did just become my friend. He didn't know a lot about other vampires. He pretty much kept to himself, because he was different. I learned some basics from him, but not a lot."

"How did he develop a conscience?"

"What do you mean?"

"Sorry, how did he learn that he didn't need human blood?"

"Oh. I don't know. I guess he just sort of came to it."

"That's unusual."

"I don't know anything about it." She shrugged her shoulders again. This time dismissively. "I just know he wouldn't hurt me. I trusted him. Then he stopped calling, and I guess now he must have gotten spooked or something. I'm only telling you that much, because I want you to know I had no idea how dangerous any of this was. I was kind of left out hanging. The only information I had came from the pack, and they hated you, so I didn't really trust their philosophy. I needed to know."

"He's gone?" I ignored any talk of the wolves. I still hadn't figured out what I wanted to do about Jacob.

"Yes."

"How long?" I asked.

"Oh gosh, since October?"

"But you have another contact." I didn't ask this time. I stated.

"You already know I do."

"He's not like Riley."

"No, and you knew that too."

"Please tell more."

She shook her head. "No, it's better that I don't."

We had a moment of awkward silence.

"Why couldn't you just let it be?" I demanded.

"Why did you want to save me?" she responded.

We stared at each other long enough for me to realize the answers to those questions were likely the same.

"You don't have to die."

"One way or another, I will. It's what humans do."

"It doesn't have to be right now, Bella. You have a lot of time left. And maybe . . . maybe there are other ways . . ." I trailed off, unable to articulate the one thing I didn't want to have happen but which seemed more and more like a viable option.

"I don't think I want to be turned, Edward. Not anymore. I've seen different angles on what it means to be like you, and at this point, I'm inclined to stay just the way I am. Until my time runs out that is."

I felt overwhelmed by the statement she'd just made. "You can't stay here and keep writing though. You have to get away."

"And go where?"

"I don't know. You can come with me."

"What for?"

"What do you mean?"

"What are you offering me, Edward? I've just told you I don't want to be a vampire. I don't want immortality. I don't want your life. What would I gain by coming with you? What about you? They'll find you. They'll find me. No good can come of it." I wasn't sure whether she included any relationship potential we might have in these questions. I was confused about how to answer.

I swallowed hard, and looked at her. "Last night . . . I thought . . ."

I should have told her I thought we'd made love, forged a connection that would last a life time, but I trailed off leaving both of us waiting. She didn't fill the silence for a couple of minutes, assuming I would pick up where I left off. When she did speak, her tone had shifted.

"You thought what? Happily ever after? You kept telling me you left to keep me safe. It didn't work. It's not really your fault. Well, you were stupid and blind, but so was I, and I created such a mess. I just needed to know more, and the more I learned, the more I thought I was doing the right thing. I get now though that you had limited options at the time. I didn't understand them then."

"It's different now," I lied.

She looked at me incredulously. "Last night was great, Edward. Something I always wanted to experience. Beyond great. I've never felt anything like that."

"But?"

"I'm not coming with you."

"I could make you come."

"You won't."

"You have to stop the blog."

She nodded. "I know. I will. I just have to wrap some things up. I've misled a lot of people, Edward, and I can't just leave them hanging."

"You can do that anywhere."

"And I'll do it here."

"I don't understand."

She took a deep breath. When she exhaled it was with resignation.

"I don't think I can be around you, Edward. I don't know if I want to be." Her tone was even, flat. She continued in the same unemotional tenor. "You hurt me, and I don't think you'll ever understand the extent of that pain. I needed to feel you, to be with you to get you out of my system."

She closed her eyes, and let a thought pass.

"But now I'm not sure I can look at you and not see all of the mistakes you made. Which all led me straight into my own."

There was so little I could say to that.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

She nodded slightly.

"I know, and I wish it were enough, but sorry only goes so far."

"So, what's next?"

"You go, and you don't come back. You've never listened to me before, but you're going to this time because you owe me."

"It's not that simple, Bella."

"Yes, it is. My contact knows nothing about you, and if someone else comes for me, well you never did anything wrong. You never revealed your secret. You should be safe . . . if you go now."

Was it possible my head actually hurt? I couldn't move. I couldn't leave. We were at an impasse. I was stuck on her couch. Minutes passed. She stared at me. She must have realized I had no intention of getting up.

"Edward, get the fuck out of my house, and don't come back."

I stared back at her blankly.

"I don't want you here. I don't want your help. You had years to help me, and you didn't. It's too late for me, for us."

I remained still.

"I don't love you anymore. I probably never did. It was really just a fascination and that strange thing that happens when we touch. Anyway, I don't know what I felt. Lust maybe? Thankfully, we got that out of the way last night, so you can go."

"You said you'd never stop loving me." It slipped out. It must have sounded petulant.

"Let's not compare lies right now. I'm pretty sure when push comes to shove, yours trump mine. It doesn't really matter what a stupid teenage girl thought. I didn't know what you were. I'm sorry if I led you on last night. It was just a physical reaction after all these years."

I couldn't put my finger on it, but something felt off. I understood though. After all, I couldn't stand to look at myself either. After everything I'd done to her, it made sense.

I didn't say anything. I got up and went to the bedroom, looking for clothes. I was presentable in minutes.

I walked back out to the living room, my hands stuffed in my pockets. I moved slowly, unnaturally slow for a vampire. She was pouring a fresh cup of coffee.

"Bella, I don't know how to leave you now. Tell me who he is. Maybe I can find out what he wants."

"No."

I walked toward her. I grabbed her hand and pulled her toward me. She tried to resist, but it was futile. She pushed as hard as she could which served no purpose whatsoever. She couldn't get away from me. She could push all she wanted, but she couldn't make me go.

She glanced up at me with such anger in her eyes. "Go now, Edward. I do not want you. Don't make me say it again. Leave and don't come back. I told you to stay away once and you didn't. This time, I swear I will find a way to out your family if you mess with me again."

I could try to come up with excuses for why I left. I could couch it in something noble, that I wanted to protect my family, but it was a joke. I could have made her come with me; I might have been able to keep everyone safe. I could tell you I knew I'd never really be able to stay away since I hadn't yet.

I could say all that, but it came down to one thing. I was a complete and utter idiot because I did leave. I had been unprepared for the sting of the rejection no matter how justified it had been. I hated to admit how fragile my ego really was.

I went back to my family to await the news of her death and to plan my own. If this was a tragedy, it was the only way it could end.

My family prepared to move. They knew it was time to leave the area; I would go with them. My intention was to stay with them long enough to know that they were safe, that things had blown over.

I couldn't stop thinking about her though. She wrote a blog where she talked about seeing me, and it nearly killed me.

Then she wrote an entry that I perceived as a goodbye, and I couldn't take it anymore.

The first lie I discovered didn't exactly tip her hand, but it got me moving. She was scared. It was clear in every word she wrote. She could tell me she wasn't afraid to die, but fear was the ink she used to write her last words.

The thought of her alone, afraid, waiting to die was eventually too much, and I knew I had to save her. My family kept me at bay for a few more days, telling me how stupid it would be, how it was best to stay out of it. It wasn't my fault. They didn't know about the sex or the love, for that matter. Except for Alice, who was biting her tongue.

I had to go back. I'd find a way to make sure she didn't fulfill her threat. If I was destroyed in the process, so be it, but I would do what I could to keep them all safe.

I was out hunting alone when I finally decided it was time. Alice warned everyone, and they were gathered in the living room.

"You can't take this on by yourself, Edward," Esme noted quietly.

"I have to."

"Don't be so noble. It's one little human after all." Rosalie's tone bit.

"But it's my fault."

"So what?" She said rolling her eyes. "Unless this is really about your dick."

Her voice dripped with indignation and smugness. A slight smirk spread at the corners of her mouth.

"Fuck you, Rosalie. And leave my dick out of it."

She raised an eyebrow, letting one thought escape, "Oh please. As if that's what you really want."

I glared back at her for a second, saying nothing and everything at the same time. With a sizeable breath, I turned to face the others.

"I can't live with myself if I do nothing."

"You're not living now. What's the difference?" Rosalie spat back at me.

"Edward, tell her," Alice urged, but not out loud, so I only I could hear.

I looked away, trying to drown out every thought in their heads with the one that was driving me now.

"It's the only way to make them understand," she pleaded again.

I responded with a whisper. It wouldn't have been audible to a human.

"I love her."

She'd gone down the rabbit hole. And I was responsible. She'd jumped in to find me. I knew that now. I'd watched her meandering through the maze of tunnels for years, yet I hadn't stopped her or done anything to try to pull her out. Now she was stuck without an exit. And she hadn't even figured it out yet. She was trapped, and any hope of getting her out alive was rapidly fading.

"That does change things, doesn't it?" Esme acknowledged. She tried to remain calm, but she was also excited. She had started to worry that I was incapable of falling in love. That my first foray into the emotion was so wrought with complication tempered her excitement with sadness and caution. She wanted to leap up and hug me in joy and in comfort. A small knowing smile served as a welcome substitute.

I heard Carlisle processing, frozen in his calculations. Jasper was pained. Too many emotions. The angst was killing him. He'd tried three times to send out some sort of calming vibe, but they'd all dissipated among the veil of fear, loathing, and concern.

"How? Does love make it right for him to endanger all of us?" Rosalie seethed. "This cannot end well. We need to get the hell out of here and hope no one ever connects us. This is the Volturi we're talking about!"

No one verbalized, but I could hear the competing sentiments battling it out in their minds. They understood my position, but they weren't immune to Rosalie's argument either. The voice that broke the silent arguing surprised me.

"Rose, would you go if it were me?" Emmett asked softly.

"It's not the same. He doesn't have a clue what love is," Rosalie cracked. That put me over the edge.

"The hell it I don't!" I roared.

Jasper stood up from his spot on the couch. "I'm sorry. I can't be here right now."

No parting glances or words of encouragement. He was just gone. Alice was immobilized. Torn between wanting to support me and needing to follow Jasper. And I became aware that for each of them, their support for me was running up against the biggest, most indestructible wall of all—their love for each other, as a family, but as romantic partners especially. They were lucky. For them, lover and family resulted in the same outcome. Run and hide. Protect yourself.

I didn't have it so easy. Lines were clearly drawn in my battle. Which "us" to choose? My family? My love? A love I shouldn't want and most definitely didn't deserve. A love that had pushed me away. A love I had failed.

And I knew at that moment there were no decisions left to be made. I had no choice where she was concerned. I looked at each of the faces in the room, hoping it wouldn't be the last time I saw them.

"I'll find a way to keep you all out of it," I pledged.

And I made my way to the front door with the voices of my family shouting at me, though no one said a word.

"Don't go."

"Serves you right if something happens, idiot." But she couldn't hide the other images that flooded her psyche.

I blinked them away and the other voices hit me.

"I'll miss you."

"Be careful, man."

"Edward, I wish there were more we could do."

I had to tune them out. All of them. I had digging to do. A lot of digging.

E/N: I am starting this one by thanking hmonster4 (who I am missing loads this week) and staceygirl/jackbauer (Are you reading Good Enough? It definitely is).

They assure me that you will see Bella's motivations and the flip here. Please tell me you caught what Bella is doing and why.

Stupid, stupid, Edward. I know, but the good news, I think is that we're up to present time in EPOV's. In the next chapter starts with him on the plane.

Go find her, Edward!

Now, I adore all of your reviews to no end. I love the theories and even just the enthusiasm you all have. I need to know that you all saw where she is headed with this, so please hit the little button and tell me you don't hate Bella now. Or Edward for that matter. Poor tortured souls.