Not my characters

Bella's Bloodsucking Blog

Oct. 10th, 2008

I have had an absolutely craptastic week. I'm not even sure where to begin, but I guess I'll break the bad news to you first. I lost my vampire contact. I have absolutely no idea where he is or what happened. We were supposed to get together last week, and he didn't show up. I tried to call him countless times, and I've emailed, but there's been no response. I'm worried that I said something to piss him off, but it doesn't seem like him not tell me. He's approved everything I wrote about. I've been pretty upset about the whole thing, for lots of reasons.

My natural inclination is always to assume I did something stupid to push him away, and then I just get mad at myself even if I don't know what I did. I'm also ticked off that I can't do the blog I was hoping for this week because we planned to cover some new information which means I feel like I'm letting all of you down, and of course I'm mad at myself for that.

My ex-boyfriend called too. That's always good for a round of Bella sucks. He likes to remind me of the five billion ways I which I failed him. I think maybe he expects the guilt trip will somehow make me feel sorry for him and go running back to him, so that we could once again play the game of "Bella pretends …" It seems I'm always pretending for someone's sake. It's a fill in the blank game. Bella pretends you aren't a vampire or a werewolf. Bella pretends to function as a human being. Bella pretends not to love you or to be madly in love with you, whichever you prefer. Fun game. Except no one wins, so it's endless. And I've yet to figure out whether it's a game of skill, strategy, or luck.

I'm not sure if the ex is reading this; he said he couldn't look at it anymore because it upset him too much. He thinks this is all a really big mistake. I know there are some risks here, but I really think that there is hope too. There's so much misunderstanding; how can the truth be such a bad thing. If you're reading, I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say.

Speaking of guilt trips, BOTH parents called to try to require my presence at Thanksgiving. You would almost think they coordinated this lovely tug of war if it weren't for the fact that they haven't actually talked TO each other In about fifteen years. I think I'm going to make sure I'm working the day before and the day after so it's impossible to go; that way I don't have to pick between them. That never turns out well.

To cheer myself up, I watched a few of my favorite vampire movies. That's always good for a me giggle. Popular culture has consistently fueled myth after myth. I wish I knew exactly how some of them started. Wouldn't it be great to go back in history to be a fly on the wall when they first decided to put a cape on Dracula or to hear how they decided vampires turned into bats?

Don't get me wrong, I know the actually history that led to the rumors. Please don't send me links. I promise I'm well read on the subject. Regardless, at some point people decided to use these symbols to represent vampires. People created the image that we hold today.

The first time I met my contact I asked him to show me his fangs, and he laughed at me. He opened his mouth and told me not to be deceived. They might not have points, but they were sharp as hell. I was shocked. How could vampires not have fangs? Everyone knows they have to have fangs; it's one of the things that defines them. Slowly I learned about all the other myths, and now I think it's all pretty funny.

This is making me sad now. I miss him. I just wish he'd call me back.

Have I ever told about how we became friends? I don't think so. He never said I couldn't, but I just never did. I was too busy with the other stories.

I think I said something once about how I used to hang out in dark alleys. Well that was true. After I broke up with the ex, I really started to focus on finding more about vampires. That's when I did all the reading of the history, the pop culture, the "real life" accounts, etc. And then I thought, well, if I were a vampire, where would I be? I know you are all shaking your heads and saying, "What kind of crazy pill did she take?" It's true; I was probably stupid. Okay, I know I was. I have a tendency to get worked up and go off half cocked.

Anyway, it was pure luck that I met him because he wasn't the kind of vampire to hang out in dark alleys. He was looking for someone too. His story is quite sad actually. He was only turned a few years ago, and he doesn't remember anything about how or why it happened. He only remembers the face of the vampire who turned him. That's who he was looking for. He wanted answers.

I can't imagine what that would be like. To wake up a vampire and have no clue what you are? To not remember who you were? The only reason he has a name is because he was carrying his human wallet. He'd gone to the address on it. He had no idea of course that newborn vampires have so little control. After all, he didn't know that he was one. He killed his human family almost instantly. In the aftermath, flashes of memories caused him to look around the room He saw his own face in many of the pictures, and realization hit him like a whack to the back of the head.

It absolutely traumatized him. I can't imagine. I mean who could really. There was just no way to make sense of it. He had a good feeling he knew what he was after that, but it was confusing even to him. He wasn't willing to label it, but he knew what kinds of creatures drank blood. He tried to kill himself by walking in the sun, sticking his head in holy water at a local church, and driving a stake in his heart, but it didn't work.

He ran away. He hid. He vowed never to be around people again. He eventually learned to drink from animals. He ran into other vampires so he learned what he knew from them. He knew he was different and chose not to associate with anyone else. I think maybe he saw loneliness as a type of penance. Eventually, he found he could handle being around humans again, and he started searching for the last face he remembered before feeling this horrible burning. He thought he could put together pieces of his past, to understand why he'd been turned. If nothing else, it was something to distract him from the endless guilt and shame.

Since I knew what to look for, I spotted him a mile away. No one else would have noticed him. He was just a little too perfect—too still or something. The eyes were the dead giveaway. That same color as my first vampire. At time, I didn't even know there was another option.

I walked straight up to him, and he ran away. I foolishly thought they were kind of like animals that way. Like if you approach too fast you scare them away. I guess it was for him, but that wasn't really typical of vampires. He came back though. His curiosity got the best of him too.

We worked through what we knew together, and that's really how I've come to give you all the information I had. But I'm all out now.

I'm back to the beginning again. As upset as I am that he's not calling, I'm also a little worried. He's been through so much. I hate to think of him out there entirely alone. I just wish I knew he was okay.

I'll keep trying though. I promise.

Happy Hunting!

E/N: E's reactions had come while he was on the plane to Italy. We're in present time now, so while we still have blogs, he won't be reacting to them unless the he's reading one in the present time frame simultaneously. But the blogs will continue to come in reverse order, giving snippets of what led her where she is.

Speaking of which . . . big question will be approached in the next chapter. Where is Bella? Stay tuned . . . next EPOV is chocked full of info.

I wrote a little one shot for the "For the Love of Jasper" challenge. Link is in my profile. Feel free to check it out. The wonderful hmonster4 wrote an Emmett/Rose novella so check out her profile as well.

Have I mentioned lately that you are the best reviewers around. I'm consistently amazed by your depth and perceptiveness. I appreciate you all so much. Thanks for continuing to read and review. Thanks in advance for hitting the button.