These are not my characters.
Chapter 19: I am not myself.
EPOV
I would have thought nothing could have pulled me away from her.
There was a kiss. Of course there was a kiss. We were both conscious of the craziness of the situation. And the newness of our honesty.
If it was possible, it made the kiss more powerful than any connection we'd had to date. It didn't seem like it should have been possible given what we'd already shared, but somehow it was. One soft brush of our lips against each other sealed us. I knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt. We were linked forever, alive, dead, vampire, human. It didn't matter. When I pulled back, I saw in her overwhelmed expression that she felt it too. Neither of us viewed words as a necessity in that moment. I stroked her cheek until she began to drift out of consciousness.
She fell asleep easily. I didn't leave.
She dreamed about me. I smiled, and I laughed, but I didn't leave.
She cycled through sleep. I didn't leave.
Alice had a vision. So, I pulled myself away resentfully.
By then, Felix and Demetri had gone hunting. Letting them go alone was not a decision taken lightly. None of us wanted to tag along. Being that close to human hunting would have been difficult; most of us could have handled it, but emotionally, it would have been awful. Logically, I should have gone since I would probably bear witness anyway through their thoughts up on return, but I was with Bella and really, that was where I needed to be.
We'd informed Jake, Seth, and Leah about the situation. We had to. There was a lot to coordinate in our own hunting habits. With more vampires around as well as Leah's refusal to eat any human food we provided her, we had to spread our hunting region; we had to develop a pattern that worked for everyone. But we also informed the wolves that we couldn't prevent Felix and Demetri from hunting humans; we could only direct them to stay away from Forks and La Push. Carlisle had actually offered a very tentative suggestion that if they wanted to try to hunt animals while in the area, he was sure any one of us would be willing to help them find a good choice.
They both scoffed at the idea, of course.
Having witnessed Alice's vision as it happened, I waited until she had finished explaining before I entered the room. A flurry of questions filled the air.
"So they're coming here?" Jasper asked.
"How long do we have?" Tanya added.
"I'm not sure," Alice admitted. She was flipping back through her mind, trying to remember some detail that would lead her to a date.
"A couple of weeks," I interjected. Her eyes sought mine.
"Carlisle was reading a newspaper in the first scene," I said. "It was the twentieth of June. It wasn't clear how long after that it was before the Volturi showed up, but not long." I had noticed the date for obvious reasons. In the midst of the chaos everyone had forgotten how close my birthday was.
"That's not much time," Emmett stated.
"It's longer than I would have expected," Eleazar said honestly.
"Me too," I agreed. "I wonder why the delay."
"It was all of them?" Carlisle asked.
"Yes," Alice confirmed. "The thirty two members of the guard, the leaders, and the two wives."
Esme brought her hand to her mouth which was shaped in a perfect "o" surprise. The idea of so many vampires here in Forks was troubling, not just for her own family and her close friends but for the entire community. She volunteered at the Rotary Gardens with many of them. Carlisle had operated on a fair number of the Forks residents as well.
Still, we'd always known it was a possibility. The question was: what was the best way to prepare, not to defend ourselves, but to protect the good people in the community?
We began the discussions immediately. Much like the earlier conversations, we were animated, but respectful. We deferred to our patriarchs who were the most knowledgeable and thoughtful among us, but we also afforded Jasper an attentive ear. His knowledge of war strategy and formation could definitely come in handy.
The only lull in the conversation came when Demetri and Felix returned some hours later. The quiet came quickly. I saw through Felix that they had both taken one human life that night. What I found unusual was that their victims had been residents of nursing home. Neither would likely have made it another week at most.
My eyes narrowed toward them. This was clearly not a satisfying meal for either of them. Demetri looked toward me knowingly and shrugged. It was a compromise of sorts. A respect for our beliefs about humanity.
I nodded toward Demetri, offering him a hint of gratitude.
We filled them in on Alice's vision. Their reactions were stoic. This was one moment of truth. Not a definitive one, but one of many. Could we trust them? The Denali clan had said nothing about Felix and Demetri from the time they arrived, but I was sure they had the same doubts we all did.
I was nearly convinced of their commitment to the cause. There had not been a single errant thought. Not even a glance of something untoward in their minds. I wanted to believe that meant I could trust them.
In the silence that followed, everyone else wondered what Felix and Demetri were thinking. I asked on their behalf.
"Do you plan to stay?"
They were taken off guard by the question.
"Of course," Demetri said. "We are as much a part of this as you. Ultimately, more than most of you. You are all gathered here because of us are you not? You would have gone a different direction if we hadn't pulled you in. We're seeing this through to the end. No matter the result. I told you that already."
It was an open invitation in that moment. It would have been a chance for either of them to envision alternative endings I couldn't possibly imagine. But nothing came.
"What about you?" Felix asked Eleazar. "You all don't need to stay."
"I cannot speak for the others, only for myself, but I'm yet ready to leave though I cannot commit myself to be here when the Volturi come until the plan is clearer."
"I don't know yet either," Tanya added. She looked toward my family. "You are my friends, and I would stay to be a witness that you have done nothing to warrant death, but I don't know how far I'm willing to take it. I'm willing to stay to help figure out a way to keep you safe, but I can't offer promises. I don't think I'm prepared for a war."
"We understand, Tanya," Esme said with a faltering smile. She glanced toward Rosalie. "For that matter, we haven't necessarily all come to agreement ourselves have we?"
"I don't expect anything from any of you," I said slightly defensively. I hadn't wanted to bring anyone into it. The Denali group had come of their own accord; I'd only wanted to speak to Eleazar.
Rosalie threw her hands up and shifted her weight on her hips absent mindedly. "Well it seems to me we're in it whether we want to be or not. I just don't think I need to be all that happy about it. I'm not going anywhere, but I'm also not willing to just lay here in wait. If we have the advantage of knowing they are coming, we better not plan to sit here staring at each other between now and then. I mean, why would we even stay here? If you know the bad guys are coming weeks in advance, wouldn't it make sense to leave?"
There was a hush in the room. It was crazy. We couldn't evade the entire Volturi guard indefinitely. At the same time, she had an incredibly valid point. We couldn't knowingly become sitting ducks. We weren't that stupid. Everyone knew that, but no one had an answer.
"What do we really think their goal is?" Kate asked. "What are they hoping to gain?"
"Honestly, I'm not sure there is one goal. I really think we may be facing multiple interests," Eleazar answered.
"We have a pretty major advantage here," Jasper began. "We need to figure out the best way to use it. They may have size, but we have surprise. We have Alice."
Alice smiled at him appreciatively.
"Could we get enough of us together before then? It's two weeks," Emmett suggested.
"Possibly," Carlise considered. "But we'd need to know why we were bringing them together, what we intended to happen. And we don't really know that we'd be able to trust anyone at this point. It would be very problematic to bring the wrong people here."
It went on like this for hours. We began to make more lists—those we could call; those we'd have to seek out; what our arguments would be.
We checked messages for any word from Garrett , but there was nothing.
I slipped away quietly near dawn so I could be there when Bella woke up. She hadn't moved all night. She was still curled up in a little ball, her covers trucked up under her chin. I slid into the bed next to her and waited.
The sun filtered in through the window and illuminated us both. I was mesmerized watching our skin next to each other, my inhuman sparking, her overly human fragility. How could these two things possibly go to together? We'd come so far, been through so much. Yet for what it was all worth, we were still so different.
Everything shifted, and I heard her eye lids flutter.
She gave a little groan, and shot them open. When she saw me she closed them again. "You're here," her voice cracked.
"Yes, do you want me to leave?"
"No. yes. No." she said in quick succession. "It's just that. It's morning, and you look the same. I look. Well, human."
"You look amazing to me." I put my hand on her cheek to try to reassure her.
"Stop," she said lightly slapping her hand on my arm. She instantly recoiled "Ouch, why do I always forget that it hurts me more?"
"You'll learn," I chucked. Somehow the implication of time quieted us both.
"I'll be back." She sat up and swung her legs off the side of the couch. She was about to stand when a thought apparently hit her. "Where's my bag?"
"It's in there in already. But Esme wants to know what else you need. You should make a list, and we'll get it."
She ran her hands through her hair and sighed. "I can't leave can I?"
"Not unless you want your dad to know you're in town."
"I don't know. That doesn't seem like a very good idea right now, does it?"
I shrugged. At this point, given everything we had going on, logic and emotion were fighting in me all the time. Did it make sense for her to see her dad? No. But if she wanted to, then I would make it happen. I would make anything happen for her.
To her credit, she didn't let the thoughts consume her. It was what it was.
"I'm going to get dressed, but then I'd like to go see Jake and the others," she said.
"They're making you breakfast now, and they're wondering whether you prefer eggs or pancakes."
The idea of them clambering around the kitchen added a much needed levity to my morning.
"Oh," she smiled. "Um, eggs, I guess or just whatever."
It wouldn't have mattered where I was in the house, I would have been in tune to everything she did. I tried not to listen to her brush her teeth for example, and I especially didn't want to hear the water hit her body in the shower. It didn't do me any good to consider the fact that she was naked in the next room. I had to avoid considering the drops of water trickling down her back or envisioning her head tilted back to rinse her hair, her chest lifted up in result.
I tried. I really did, but it just wasn't possible.
She hurried through her breakfast, anxious to see her other friends. The house was quieter. Everyone scattered to different corners. It wasn't that they weren't thinking about the Volturi; they were just finding their own peace with whatever might happen, in their own way.
"Carlisle and the boys went hunting," Esme thought. "He was going to tell Jake you're on your way. And offer them some clothes."
She also forced Bella to jot down a few things she needed even though Bella insisted she didn't want anything. I wasn't sure why the list was important. Knowing the women in my family like I did, they would buy one of everything anyway.
Jacob, Leah, and Seth set up a camp about a half a mile away from the house, still well inside our treaty line. Bella insisted on walking there, and her pace felt painfully slow.
The wolves were aware of all the information we had since Carlisle had just visited them, and they, too, were trying to figure out what to do with it.
"We have to tell Sam and the others," Seth argued.
"Yeah, I guess we do," Jacob agreed. Leah didn't respond, but even she couldn't deny that if the Volturi were coming here, the pack deserved to know. Things could get ugly very quickly.
"Why can't you all just run away?" Leah asked. In her head she added that the stupid vampire army would never even know they existed that way. I was struck that she was the one to ask, solidifying the correlations between her and Rosalie. People could mistake them both as selfish, bitchy, I'd known before that Rosalie's primary concern was never herself—it was Emmett. I knew now that Leah was more worried about Seth and her mom and had barely considered her own fate.
"Because we'd always be running," I answered. "They may have another tracker in their midst now, and there are so many of them. They still have the power. Someone would give us away. It would be inevitable."
Bella looked down at the ground. I understood her guilt better than anyone; we were the cause no matter how you looked at it.
On our way back to the house, she was quiet. I allowed her to set the pace.
About halfway there, she took a deep breath and leaned up against a tree. She let her head rest on the rough bark. "Sometimes I still think we should just go to Italy by ourselves."
I nodded. I wondered the same thing.
"You really don't think it would work?"
"No, I really don't. Especially now. We've done too much planning. All Aro would need is one touch and he would know everything about what happened here. That would be grounds for execution, for all of them."
"Yeah, I know. I just hate this. I don't even know your family that well, but they've been so nice to me." She pulled at a piece of bark on the tree. She tilted her head in the direction we'd come from. "And they don't deserve to be involved in any of this."
"I know. I wish I had answers." I wanted more than anything to protect her, not just from the Volturi but from her own guilt.
She stepped away from the tree. I reached my hand out to her. She looked at it for a second. I assumed she was deciding whether or not to accept it. Instead, she lifted her gaze to my face, smiled, and held her arms out wide. I saw on her face what I couldn't hear in her mind. Her stance, her gesture. They said the same thing. I am here. I am yours.
I took the invitation, moving swiftly into her arms, letting her take me, answering her claim. I was hers too.
This kiss was not as simple as the one the night before. It conveyed more; it felt heavy and light, sweet and rough, love and lust all wrapped up in one great big contradiction that had always been our relationship. The difference was, suddenly, it all made sense.
In those minutes, we were innocent again. Neither the past nor the future mattered as much as what we had in that moment with hands entwined in hair and bodies melding into each other.
It was to be a monumental day. Things were about to happen that would change our course. Revelations, allies, and interference.
In some ways though, that kiss remained the most significant thing, the memory I cherish most.
The first event was a revelation. And it was Bella's.
We returned to the house to find the discussion ongoing. No one had left yet; things were somewhat heated about who to contact. Carlisle continued to insist that we needed to be certain we could trust anyone who be invited here. We'd have more enemies if they turned sides.
As the conflict waged, Bella suddenly cleared her throat. "Um, this might sound really stupid but what if we went there?"
"Bella, we just talked about this," I sighed.
"No, not you and me. I mean, everyone. We're all here waiting for them to come to us. They don't have someone who can see the future right? Wouldn't that give the true element of surprise?"
"It wouldn't work," Carlisle began. "We're outnumbered."
"Are we?" Demetri asked sitting up straighter. He was intrigued by this idea. "If you do a straight count, yes, but we know not everyone is loyal. And if Eleazar is right, then the Volturi themselves are split."
"I don't know," Eleazar cautioned. "It's awfully risky." His statement implied what had already been acknowledged. No one else was 100% committed. Going to Volterra was absolutely a commitment.
"Would you be able to work on a list? Those who want out? Best guesses on who would support who if Aro and Marcus are split?" I asked.
Demetri looked to Felix who shrugged. "It would only be a guess."
"An informed guess," I added.
I wasn't entirely sold on the idea. It was possible I was exploring it merely because Bella had been the one to suggest it. It may also have been my willingness to grasp at anything that might give us an advantage.
That was when I realized that the circumstances were awful, but for the first time in as long as I could remember, I was happy. I almost failed to recognize the emotion. In the end it was probably to blame for my lack of diligence.
Those of us most familiar with Volterra began examining the best way to approach the city. Jasper had created a diagram of the city walls and, with the help of Felix and Demetri, had constructed a rough map of the underground tunnels.
Some of our contacts were starting to connect with us. We heard from a few of Carlisle's nomadic friends and a coven in Ireland he'd known well. Jasper's friends Peter and Charlotte called as well. Everyone was still very cryptic and uncertain. No one gave up any information that we didn't already have. We didn't reveal the details of our predicament either. It wouldn't have been wise to tip our hand, especially now that we had a plan, so we had simply put out the feelers.
The unrecognized number wasn't surprising, then.
"May I speak with Bella?"
"Who is this?'
"I'm a friend."
"You're crazy if you think I'm handing over the phone without identification."
"You must be Edward," the man laughed.
"And you are?" I reiterated.
"Oh I think you can figure that out."
"Garrett?" I assumed.
"Of course."
"Where the hell are you? We've been trying to get a hold of you."
"I've been detained, but I am, in fact, on my way. I can be there tonight."
"Do you need directions?"
"Hardly, I've always known where to find you. I just wanted to give you all fair warning, so you didn't sic the dogs on me."
He knew more than I was comfortable with him knowing, since I still didn't know whether he was trustworthy. He may have saved Bella, but his motivation was questionable.
"Are you alone?"
"Yes," he answered. He must have anticipated my thoughts. "I'm coming with or without an invitation. You need me whether you want me or not. Now, may I please speak with Bella."
Reluctantly, I handed her the phone. The relief on her face when she heard his voice was instantaneous. "You're okay?"
"I am." I heard him say. "I'm so sorry about Riley, B."
"It was awful."
"I know. I messed up on that. But I'll tell you more when I get there, okay? Are they treating you alright?"
"Yes, of course."
"Is he?"
"He's been perfect, Garrett." She bit her lip and looked at me. She must have assumed I heard the conversation.
"Be careful, B. I just don't want him to break your heart again." I closed my eyes and exhaled. He didn't say anything untrue; his warning was one any friend would give. As much as I hated what I had done to her, the idea that I'd left her ripe for another predator disgusted me.
"Just get here okay? You'll see for yourself." She shot me an assuring glance.
"Not long kiddo. I'm trying."
Everything went into over drive when she hung up.
In the short period we had all been in the same house, there had been so many warnings that I know I should have been more prepared, more aware. Perhaps, we had all just become too comfortable with the situation. We were caught up in planning. There was even laughter as we talked about the most imminent threats. We were oddly upbeat about our chances. It seemed everyone was committed to seeing things through. We began to think we actually had a shot at coming out of this all unscathed. Though he was a wildcard, Garrett's impending arrival carried with it the potential for some key information that would help us put all the pieces together.
Beyond the frenzy of activity and discussion and my decidedly upbeat state, it was just such a completely innocent action. No human would have thought twice about it. Bella had been picking at her hands. She was pushing back the cuticles mindlessly as she listened t our discussion. When she got to her fourth finger, she noticed a tiny hangnail.
Jasper called me over to the computer to look at some ideas he had for approaching the wall. I had leaned over his shoulder when I when I smelled it.
Bella had pulled on that tiny bit of skin. More came off than expected. The bit of blood pooled around her fingernail.
She barely had time to utter, "Shit" before Demetri was at her throat. He reacted instinctually with no warning thoughts until he was already on the move. I was on top of him almost simultaneously. It was a mad rush as everyone else reacted. Bella screamed; her hands had flown to her face which gave Demetri easy access to her finger. But he ignored that small drop that had already almost dried in a perfect frame around her short nail. It wouldn't have been enough for him in that moment.
With Alice, Esme, Rosalie, Tanya and Irina off shopping, Carlisle working at the hospital, Eleazar and Carmen hunting, and Felix and Jasper quickly exiting the scene to avoid their own bloodlust, Emmett, Kate, and I were the only ones left to deal with Demetri.
I was the first there because I was the fastest, but I wasn't strong enough. I knew immediately I had failed Bella once again. I heard the tear of flesh, I smelled the fresh flow of blood.
It was a matter of seconds before the three of us managed to pull Demetri from her trembling body. It was a few too many seconds because the blood dripped freely from Bella's jugular where Demetri had punctured it.
There was yelling and screaming all around me. The wolves must have heard Bella's initial piercing call because I heard the growling ensuing behind me as I placed as much pressure as I could without breaking her neck. It was incredibly difficult to find that balance.
Her mouth was slightly ajar and her eyes were wide, but I could see the color slipping. Blood covered my hands. I wanted it. I wanted to slip my hand off and dip my face into that dark rich liquid. I could imagine the cooling sensation as it put out the fire raging in my throat.
But I could see death lurking behind her eyes, and I was resolved that she would not meet that fate. Not now. Not yet. Not while there was still hope.
I didn't know what was happening around me. Suddenly I was acutely aware that everyone but the wolves had left the room. I heard Kate call out, apologizing. It was simply too much blood.
Several thoughts meshed together and they all seemed to be asking
"Do you need help?"
"Yes, I need Carlisle," I called out.
"He just pulled into the driveway," Emmett answered.
My head whipped in the direction of the door.
"I guess Alice called him." That was when I heard Carlisle's voice. "Pinch the vein," he repeated over and over.
"Edward, you have the vein?" He said as he joined me at Bella's side.
I nodded.
"I have a clamp here. We're going to have to do this quickly."
It had all happened so fast, a matter of a minute or so. It wasn't until then that I noticed Bella had begun to grip my arm tightly and her expression had changed from fear to anguish.
The burning had begun.
I already knew what Carlisle was telling me. It was too late to do anything but keep her from bleeding out before the venom took over. Once he stopped the bleeding, we could potentially speed the process with the introduction of more venom. I heard him assess the blood loss. He'd wondered if it was possible to suck the venom back out, but there was simply too much lost already. It would be too big of a risk.
"You did well, Edward," He must have seen the pain on my face. "She could have bled out in a minute if you hadn't acted so quickly."
"I was still too late," I lamented.
"Too late?" Jake asked. "Is she going to . . . ?"
"She's not dying, Jacob," I answered harshly. But I turned to look back into Bella's eyes. "Unless. Well . . . do you understand what's happening, Bella?"
She squeezed my hand. "Yes," she whispered though it was weak and shaky.
"Do you want this?" I looked directly in her eyes. If I saw the doubt, I would remove the clamp. It would kill me, but then I was probably already headed there anyway. If she didn't want this, I would not force it on her.
"She's going to be one of you?" Jake asked. His tone was shocked. I heard the disgust, but I also noticed the panic. He was so conflicted. I completely understood.
I watched her eyes narrow.
"Yes," she said again, but she didn't look at Jake; she looked at me. Her eyes filled with tears, and she tried to blink them away. Her eyes fluttered, and it was clear the pain was getting to her.
Carlisle nudged me. I moved quickly to a few non arterial pressure points, hoping to increase the flow of venom. Not that I was anxious for the pain to overtake her, but it might begin the healing process sooner. I licked each wound to seal the venom. Then I held her.
"I'm so sorry, Bella. I can't fix it. I know you needed more time to decide. I'm so sorry." She was slipping toward unconsciousness, falling into the fire. "I'm going to be here when you wake up. I'm never leaving."
I alternated between singing and humming and softly reminding her how much I loved her.
I didn't care about Demetri's apology or Jake's concerns about the treaty. I put everything out of my mind except seeing her through the transition.
I knew they tried to talk to me. I didn't pay attention.
The first thing I recall hearing was the cocky voice from the phone. "Holy hell, Edward, what have you done?"
E/N: Whew. So there it is. She will be a vamp. The cocky voice from the phone has arrived. What in the world does he have to say? Whose side is he on? Would you trust Garrett? And going to Italy to ambush the Volturi? Good idea or not?
I've said it before. I have the best reviewers. You are all smart and perceptive, and I love what you have to say. I don't like to beg, but I'm so close to breaking that 2K mark. I would love to have it happen on this chapter. So, if you could take the time to hit that lovely little review button, I would be eternally grateful.
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I know everyone will be busy with New Moon festivities this week, as will I. Meeting up with my lifemate, Hmonster4 (thanks for betaing!) and my good buddies Daisy3853, Jackbauer aka staceygirl (thanks for pre-read!), and LiketoRead (hoping she'll join the fun). So next chapter probably will be a week away when things calm down. Enjoy the show!
