A/N: Last month, the lovely, talented, and very funny staceygirl aka jackbauer won me in the Support Stacie Vampire auction. She requested a Rabbit Hole epilogue. I asked her how far out, and she said as far as it takes to get them happy. So, here it is.

As always I don't own the characters.

Rabbit Hole

Epilogue

EPOV

"You're nervous."

Bella knew me very well by now; she didn't need to ask. One of the things I'd come to appreciate about her most was that she didn't patronize me. She never had. With me, she more than stood her ground. I'd spent so many years with people who tried to talk me out of my moods and emotions, and I loved them for it, but Bella tended to take a different approach. She maneuvered her way through them cautiously yet perfectly. "It's understandable. It's been a long time after all."

I nodded solemnly, but I caught the way her face contorted, and I instantly recognized the guilt she was fighting back. She could handle all of my issues; her own sometimes created a challenge. We tried not to let guilt take over our lives. We both carried enough of it to bury the average person. Most of the time, we shouldered the burden without showing signs of wear, but there were situations like these when it felt heavier than usual. I reached over and grabbed her hand. "It was necessary, Bella."

She smiled back weakly and tried to turn away. I grabbed her chin to hold her head in place, forcing her to look directly at me. We had granted each other forgiveness easily; forgiving ourselves was not as simple. She knew I didn't blame her; we'd had the conversation so many times, but sometimes she still needed reminding. Just as she wove in and out of my moodiness, I'd learned to find my way around her insecurities. That's what married couples did after all, or rather those about to be.

Bella's smile grew, even though I said nothing, reassuring her only with my gaze. By now, we'd learned to find the truth with just a look, even when words failed us. There would never be a lie in that space. It was a promise we'd made to each other. Faith was not a concept I'd ever really grasped. I just didn't believe without proof. But with Bella, I closed my eyes and leapt. I discovered that's what love was all about. You had to give in to it, no matter how scary it was. As a result, I believed in that promise. I believed in us.

"Are you sure you're ready?" I asked in an effort to focus her back on what mattered.

"For which part? Getting married or seeing your family again?"

"Our family," I corrected. "And both."

"I'm ready," she answered. She paused again thoughtfully. "Do you think she'll come?"

"I don't know," I shrugged. "If you were her, would you?"

"I'm not sure." Bella said slowly, her face scrunching as she considered question. "You'll be sad if she doesn't come."

Again, it wasn't a question. "Yes," I admitted. There was no point in hiding it. "It won't be the same without her, but I'm ready for this. I've been ready for a long time."

Bella shook her head playfully. "So anxious for that ball and chain," she joked. "Worried I'll take off running."

"You never know. Someday you may realize you're entirely too good for me."

She threw her head back and laughed out loud. It didn't happen often, but when she laughed like that, it gave me a whole a whole new perspective on life.

I'd always struggled with our nature. It had been hard to believe that someone as good and true as Carlisle didn't have a soul, but in Bella's laughter, I was almost convinced I'd been wrong all along. Because if that sound didn't come from heaven, I don't know what did. And if she had a soul, maybe there was hope for me after all.

Bella and I hadn't been back to Forks since just after Italy. We had packed up the house, and we'd said our goodbyes to the only friends we could—Jake, Leah, and Seth. We could have let movers deal with the house, but given how much we'd all been through, and how many things would never be the same, some closure was necessary. But we couldn't stay in Forks. It was too complicated, and Bella needed to create some distance between that life and this one. Knowing Charlie was so close was too much for her, and I think we all had too many demons in the area. Living in that house without Rosalie or Emmett just wasn't possible.

It wasn't easy, but we'd managed to forge a degree of acceptance between the wolf pack and us. None of it would have been possible if Jacob hadn't returned to the pack and taken his rightful role as alpha. In doing so, the treaty evolved, and that was going to would allow us to say our vows in that place which held so many memories. Five years later, we finally felt ready to return, even though we obviously couldn't stay. We hadn't been sure the day would ever come when we would visit Forks again, so this was a watershed moment.

Honestly, the first year was rough. I'd never known that kind of grief. My parents' deaths were overshadowed by my own in a way. Right after my transition, I'd been so busy adjusting to being a newborn that I didn't remember feeling that same sense of loss. It seemed like I grieved the loss of my life, my dreams, my plans more than the loss of my parents. Of course, that made me feel guilty too. Maybe it was just so long ago that I didn't remember the details of my emotions. Maybe someday, I'd feel the same way about Emmett, but I doubted it. A memory like his just didn't fade.

I couldn't say whether it was better or worse being surrounded by others who'd felt that same tremendous grief. Sometimes, it was a relief not to have to talk to know that everyone in the room was feeling exactly the same way. On the other hand, sometimes the cumulative pain was so thick you couldn't see past your nose.

Whether it was right or wrong, we spent that first year in Alaska. Existing.

I think we all assumed that if we went somewhere with happy memories, it would be healthier. Really, we were avoiding making new ones.

If we didn't move forward, we didn't have to create a life with him, without them. In Alaska we knew more visitors would come and go. Garrett and Kate, Carmen and Eleazar. We welcomed the way new "blood" broke up the haze of sadness, forcing us to see what was happening around us, sometimes just to see each other. There were plans to make the lodge into something of a formal newborn vampire training facility, and we were helping to prepare the area.

On one hand, it was good to have something to do, and I appreciated that it didn't involve enrolling in high school yet again. Still, we all knew it wasn't the same. The family would never be the same.

For the most part, my relationship with Bella was solid from the beginning. There was so much we didn't know about each other, but we knew enough, and we learned the rest. Day by day. Hour by hour. Conversation by conversation. Kiss by kiss.

Slowly, the living came again.

Leaving Alaska was my idea, and I honestly expected more resistance from everyone, but I believed that Bella and I needed time together to forge our identity as a couple, and I admit I was ready for the silence. We could all fake a laugh or two here and there; we could put on smiles, but no one hid their thoughts well. Both Jasper and I felt the strain, and sometimes it almost like we exacerbated the problem by being in the same house, like our "talents" fed off each other. I hoped the break would be good for all of us in that way.

Living apart wasn't unusual in the history of our family. We'd split before; at one point or another each couple had spent some time on their own. Of course, I'd also been away from the family before, though the circumstances were obviously difference. Esme was bothered the most, as she always was when faced with separating from any of her children, but she never said a word of protest out loud. She hated seeing the family fractured, but at least this time she knew I wasn't out there alone. She didn't need to worry about me. She was only concerned with how she, Carlisle, Alice, and Jasper would fare with two more gone. Carlisle was itching to get back into a hospital, but they didn't want to get too far away from the lodge so they decided to stay in Alaska but ended up just outside of Juneau.

Bella and I went a different direction entirely. Too many years of snow and rain. Too many days where beauty was shadowed by dark clouds. She never said a word, but I knew Bella missed the sun, in more ways than one, so I asked Esme for permission to use her island. Despite not wanting us to go, she never would have refused us. She actually welcomed our asking. It made her feel more like a mom when she had something to offer. Human mothers often gave food or other gifts. We didn't eat, and we needed nothing. The first time Jasper's friends Peter and Charlotte had come to visit, she'd agonized over how to be hospitable. She obviously couldn't provide a snack. So often, I heard her wrestling with how to best make others happy. Her ability to communicate her love was limited in her mind, though to the rest of us, she'd never failed in that department.

"You make sure you call if you need anything," she'd insisted over and over again while giving Bella tips and instructions for how to best enjoy her piece of paradise.

Carlisle hugged me when we left. Displays of affection between us were rare over the years, coming usually only at times of greetings or farewell. But that hug said more than "have a good trip." A lifetime passed between us. Many mistakes, plenty of disagreements, fear, anger, but most of all, acceptance.

Bella and I enjoyed nearly two years of heaven on Isle Esme. I worried a little about being bored, but it never happened. We read countless books; we swam and danced and laughed. Bella sobbed on her mom's birthday, and she wished her dad a Merry Christmas under a full moon while wading in the sea. We made love, no longer out of an insatiable lust, not that it didn't still exist, but our connection had grown beyond the initial attraction we'd felt all those years before.

Whether it was physical or chemical, we'll never know. We only knew that the spark had to be stoked. We fanned the flames with trust, respect, and honesty.

We didn't fight, but we did get on each others' nerves on occasion. There might have been a time when it would have scared me, when the insecurity would have driven me to rein her in. I'll admit, I'd been tempted at times. But I'd spent a century listening to peoples' most intimate thoughts. There was no escaping the fact that sometimes even the people you loved the most could annoy the hell out of you. Why would it be any different with vampires?

When I started to get too introspective, she would suggest we head to the mainland for some sightseeing or better hunting. I knew that was her cue to tell me that my moodiness was getting old, and it was time to snap out of it. On my end, I could get easily frustrated when Bella resisted my attempts to spoil her; she'd insist it wasn't necessary. Even five years later she sometimes forgot how much more she could do in her new life and reverted to old ways of thinking. Instead of forcing the issue or attempting to bargain with her as I might have in the past, I found teasing her a gentler persuasive tool.

Marriage was merely a formality. It wasn't legally binding. Dead people can't get a marriage license. Our bond was in many ways even more primitive. Mated couples didn't really break up; at least we didn't have any knowledge of it happening.

I spent weeks planning a grand proposal. I wanted my words to be just right. I'd waited so long for this kind of love, and of course, we would remember this moment better and longer than most would. In the end, though, there was nothing grand about it.

One afternoon we sat on the veranda watching the waves dancing in the horizon.

"Do you think it's about time for us to go back?" she asked with uncertainty.

I exhaled. "I've been thinking a lot about that."

"And?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Everyone's pretty spread out now though. Where would we go?"

"Where do you want to go?"

"Wow, now isn't that a question?" She looked out over the ocean, searching for answers. "Do you think I'm ready?"

She was asking whether it was possible for her to enter the day to day reality of humans yet. My opinion was less important than her own. "I think so. Do you?"

"Yeah, I'd like to try. I'm probably too old to go to high school though."

"I don't think you see yourself very clearly." It was true; she didn't look much older than I did, but she was the oldest among us, and I knew high school would highlight that point to her. "What about college? Feel like trying your hand at a new major?"

"Maybe, or I could get a job. It probably sounds stupid, but I kind of miss work. Hated it every day I went, but now that I don't need it, somehow it seems less boring."

I laughed. "No. It doesn't sound stupid to me at all. I kind of like work too."

"So, that didn't limit anything at all," she sighed.

"Well, I have one idea," I began. "This isn't exactly how I planned to do this." I looked down at my feet.
"I thought maybe we could start by going back to the beginning."

She raised an eyebrow in obvious confusion.

"That didn't make sense did it? Let me start again. Bella, are you happy?"

Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. She nodded. "Aren't you?"

"Blissfully so," I answered. "I can't imagine my life without you, and I never want to try. You are already my friend, my lover, my partner. Would you consider being my wife?"

"You're asking me to marry you?"

"I am."

"I will."

It was that simple, most definitely not grand at all.

When I told her my idea to get married in Forks, she was doubtful we could pull it off, and she wasn't sure she was ready, but she warmed to the idea after she talked to Jake.

Our plans were simple. Just a gathering of friends in the place that started it all. A wedding. A reunion. In a different time, we probably wouldn't have gotten away with something so simple, but no one seemed motivated to go overboard. Simple worked.

By the time Bella and I left Brazil, the guest list was secure save for one person, Rosalie. I spoke with her a couple of weeks prior; she said she was happy for us. She wished us well and told us she'd try to be there, but her voice cracked at the end.

Alice said Rosalie was changing her mind too frequently to get a strong read about whether she would show up or not. Everyone else important to us planned to be there. Even Felix was coming; he and Tanya were each other's 'plus one.' I didn't know whether they were headed toward a happily ever after, but I think they both appreciated the chance for some companionship after a long period of solitude.

I waited for the bags at the carousel while Bella went to the rental car counter.

"Need any help? You look out of shape."

The voice instantly filled me with joy and pain. I closed my eyes.

"You must have been distracted. You can usually hear me from a mile away."

"Rosalie," I whispered.

"You didn't really think I'd miss this did you?"

"I would have understood if you couldn't . . . "

"Nope, we're not doing that, okay?" Her thoughts told me what I needed to know. This wasn't easy, and she was working very hard to be strong, but she needed help. I knew her well enough to understand that external avoidance didn't mean she wasn't confronting the difficult emotions internally.

"Thanks for coming," I said, opening my arms, inviting her in. She eyed them, conflicting thoughts in her head. In five years, she'd touched people in fighting and in training. She'd high fived and shook hands. She had not let anyone into that personal bubble though. It scared her. To give in would make it difficult to go back, to put up the walls, to forget again. She took a deep breath.

"Oh what the hell," she announced her arms flinging wide as we carefully collided. For a moment, everyone and everything in that space disappeared. I heard nothing but her thoughts. Her confused, strained, but ultimately surprising thoughts. "Who would have thought I could ever miss you so much?"

I chuckled as we broke apart. We continued to look at each other, observing.

"You look different," she said finally.

"That's impossible," I reminded her.

"I don't think it's physical," she answered.

I caught sight of our bags coming around the carousel. I grabbed one and pretended it took some effort to heave it off its rotating axis.

"So, what are you doing here really?"

"Oh nothing much. I've just got this wedding to attend," she said rolling her eyes.

"I mean here at the airport. Now. Did you know we were here?"
"Yeah. I got in a few hours ago actually. Alice called and told me if I waited I could snag a ride with you."

"You didn't come with Tanya and Felix?"

"Nah, it was sort of impulsive," she trailed off. I nodded, but I'm not sure she noticed because she was looking off in the other direction.

"So, how are Tanya and Felix?"

She snorted. "Good. You know."

"I admit I was a little surprised."

"Yeah, I think everyone was." We mimicked the pace of other travelers heading somewhere. Faster than a casual stroll, but much slower than we could have if no one were watching. "Tanya was pretty messed up at first. Between Irina and . . ."

"Demetri?" I finished for her.

"You knew?" She shook her head. "Of course you knew."

"I only knew where both their heads were."

"Anyway, she moved to the anger stage of grief pretty fast. Felix was good with that. Really only Felix and I could handle being around her. I think they just kind of fell into it."

"It happens."

She nodded, a tight smile stretching her face. "Yeah, it does."

We walked the last few paces in silence. Bella was at the counter, keys in hand, listening to instructions from the rental car agent.

"She's doing well," Rosalie said out of nowhere, motioning toward Bella.

"She is," I agreed readily.

"You're happy?"

"I am."

She slipped her hand in mine, and squeezed. "I'm glad. I really am."

At that moment, Bella turned. She was looking down at the papers in her hand. When she looked up and saw us, she stopped mid stride, her mouth open in surprise.

"Uh oh," Rose thought. It was ironic really. Both of these women were so concerned about the other. Bella had worried that Rose blamed her for everything, especially for Emmett. Rose wondered how Bella would feel having her at the wedding, given our history. Bella had laughed that off, noting that our guest list contained more ex lovers than any couple in history. But the trepidation was natural. They'd never really known each other. What interactions they'd had were tainted by fear, by defensiveness, and ultimately, by death.

I squeezed her hand back, assuring her. Bella smiled then and began to walk forward. We met her half way.

"Rosalie, I'm so happy you could make it."

There was an awkward moment. Most women would hug, but neither of them saw that as a logical move. Handshakes were too formal. Only a smile passed between them.

Bella held up the keys. "So who's driving?"

Rose and I reached out at the same time. Our hands crashed together, creating a boom. It wasn't so loud as to send people ducking for cover, but people definitely looked in our direction.

"Maybe I should get my own rental," Rose teased, but let me take the keys.

The beginning of the ride was punctuated by small talk about our respective trips. How was the flight? How long did it take? Innocuous, boring.

I felt safe with those standard questions, still not sure how Bella and Rosalie might fare together talking about anything more substantive. It was surprising, then, that I was the one responsible for the turn of conversation.

I'd been contemplating Rose's statement. "You look different."

Vampires didn't change. We all knew that. I couldn't figure out what she meant by that. I looked up in the mirror, trying to see what she had, but I was met with the same image I'd always seen.

Every time Rosalie spoke, I glanced in the rear view mirror. I watched her when she talked. I watched her when she listened. I watched her when she stared out the window, not interacting at all.

Whether she sensed it, or whether it was happenstance, she met my gaze in the mirror and smiled.

"You look different , too," I said suddenly.

"No, I don't," she answered.

"Yes, you do," Bella interjected. "I noticed it right away."

Rosalie followed my process, staring at herself in the mirror. She even pulled out a compact from her bag to get a closer look. After a few minutes, she closed it.

"Huh."

"You see it?" I asked.

She nodded. "A little bit."

"You look great," Bella added.

"Thanks," Rosalie snorted. "I feel okay. It's funny really. I was bitter for a very long time. Well, you know. I didn't want this life, or whatever we wanted to call it."

"And now?" I pressed.

"I don't know. I suppose it's sad that it took what happened to make me come to terms with some things. You know, I had almost eighty years with Emmett. How many people can say that? It was a damn good eighty years."

She paused, reflecting I imagine. We didn't dare interrupt her.

"I wanted to be mad about all the years I'd lost with him, and for a while, I suppose I was, but then the more I thought about him, the more I realized that I wasn't given that many years with him to walk away learning nothing."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Emmett never questioned a damn thing about this life or the last one. He took everything as it came and made the best of it. He met every challenge with enthusiasm. That man had more joy in one dimple than I had in my whole body. If I don't look back on him with happiness and gratitude, then I missed the whole point."

We didn't respond. What could you say to that?

It was a long silence before Bella broke it. "Wow, that's just . . ." Rosalie cut her off almost instantly.

"Oh now don't go giving me too much credit. I still get pissed off a lot, and there are days when all I want his to join him wherever he is. But you don't get to be loved by a man like Emmett McCarty and not come out changed for the better."

Subtly, Bella's hand reached for my thigh, squeezing gently. An acknowledgement of so many things I imagine.

"So I'm in as good a place as you could expect, considering, and I'm sorry it took me a while to decide to come this week."

"It's okay," Bella answered for us both.

"No, it's not. It was selfish. And it wasn't really about you or the wedding; it was seeing everyone, especially here."

The way she said it I knew the subject of Emmett was closed. I respected it by shifting the conversation. "So you think Italy's been good for you?"

"I know it has. I mean, I miss everyone, of course, but it's been good in a lot of ways. For one, I sure don't miss high school. Sometimes I think that constant repetition stunted my growth a little. Playing a teenager makes you act like one. I feel more like a grown up now." She paused. I nodded. Then she looked directly at me. "You do too."

I didn't hesitate to answer. "Yes."

"That's what's different, isn't it?"

I looked from her reflection to mine.

"Yeah, I see that," I smiled.


There's little to say about the wedding. It was mine so by default, it was perfect. As far as weddings go, it was fairly typical. Esme sobbed through the whole thing. Carlisle beamed with pride.

Alice and Jasper stood up for us, an antiquated term, but not without meaning to me.

It was all a little comical really. Esme insisted on a pastor, and she found who was willing to travel out from far enough away as to not cause suspicion. We signed (non) legal documents. Bella signed the name of her current id, "Isabella Renee Charles." We'd been cautious not to have anything legally drawn up with her formal name, just in case it were ever printed anywhere. That was why I used my id with the last name Masen as well.

It wasn't the only reason though. While we would forever in our hearts be known as Edward and Bella Cullen, I'd always believed Edward Anthony Masen deserved to be married.

He deserved that moment when his bride came into view as she walked down the aisle. It was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. He had every right to that that feeling of pride and joy that emerged when the pastor said, "You may now kiss the bride" and he turned to face the woman he loved. He earned the privilege of holding her lips to his just a little longer than he should have.

Once the vows were exchanged, the pastor bid farewell, we had our version of a reception. We didn't have food or presents. There was no DJ, and Bella didn't throw a bouquet. We talked. We caught up.

As expected, the topic quickly shifted to the progress being made in Italy and around the world. Tanya grew animated when she explained it.

She shocked the room when she turned suddenly to Bella. "Oh and I almost forgot. Bella, we were wondering if you wanted to do the blog again?"

"Huh," Bella choked. "I thought we agreed we didn't want to go to public with the humans."

"Well, you see, here's our theory," Tanya began slowly. "We're sort of guessing that most people who read your blog thought you were crazy. Those that didn't are probably a little nuts themselves."

Everyone looked to Bella cautiously.

She began to giggle. "Fair enough. So, what does starting it up again do?"

"Two things," Felix added. "It's a form of communication, a link if you will, between us and other vampires. It's already coded, and I imagine it would pick back up quickly even after all this time."

"And the other?" Bella asked.

"For those few humans who might actually seek vampires, we can give them tools to better deal with it. Maybe give them someone to contact."

"Interesting," Bella nodded.

"Interesting good, or interesting bad?" Rose wondered.

"Interesting, I'll think about it."

It turns out we were wrong about a few things. Vampires do change, and perhaps, they're more like humans than we ever believed. The family threads had loosened, stretched from time and circumstance, but they hadn't ripped apart yet.

That night, I played the piano while Jasper sang. Esme and Carlisle danced around the living room; Carmen goaded Eleazar into joining them. Bella and Alice shared stories about Isle Esme. Jake leaned against the wall, Leah's hand in his. Garrett teased Seth about how old he was getting while Kate shook her head and laughed. Tanya balanced on Felix's knee, as she tapped the song's melody on the arm of the chair. I looked up from the piano to scan the room, and I found Rosalie looking at me.

"Congratulations, old friend." And then she closed her eyes.

Though some of us were missing, their impact would never be forgotten.

And that's how it began.

That night, we all began to weave our lives back together again.


Bella's Bloodsucking Blog

February 23rd, 2014

Anyone still out there?

I bet you thought I was dead. If anyone even remembers this blog exists, welcome back. I know it's been an exceptionally long time, and I apologize for leaving you hanging. Life took some unexpected turns. It wasn't easy, but in the end, I'm happy with where I am.

To be honest, I've struggled for years with whether to post anything more, but it seems to be that there is unfinished business here.

I would imagine the number one question after all this time is . . . do you still believe vampires exist?

Remember when I told you the story of my finding out Santa Claus wasn't real? I know Santa isn't real, but I love the idea of him. The concept of giving and the kind of magic it would take to make so many people happy amazes me.

Isn't everything kind of like that? I can tell you there are werewolves and vampires and fairies and centaurs and whatever other mythological creatures you may read about. And then what? What do you do with that? Do you hunt them down? Do you try to kill them? Do you want to be friends?

Here's what it comes down to for me now. It doesn't matter what monsters are out there. You can chase them; you can try to destroy them, but you'll be missing the point. Because what I've learned is the focus needs to be on the internal demons. They're more dangerous. They're the ones that destroy relationships, which hurt the people you love, and stop you from living up to your potential.

After that PSA, let me tell you why I'm back.

It was time.

Things are changing all around us, and this seems like a good venue to help aid the transition.

My blogs are going to be different now. I don't feel the need to prove anything to you anymore. You can believe whatever you want. I'm just here to give some advice, provide information. I don't even have a plan yet for what all I'll be talking about. I'm working with some others to figure out what all we want to discuss.

I am putting together a detailed piece for next time though about newborn vampires. This won't be about process but about their nature and their reactions.

And I might wax a little more philosophical this time around, just because.

So on that note, pull up a chair and learn a few things.

And if you've got a demon or two you want to face, well then . . .

Happy Hunting!

E/N:

Thank you so much for reading, and love to staceygirl aka jackbauer for making me write it. It was actually cathartic for me. Thanks to hmonster4 for the beta as always.

Someday, I may write a certain outtake that would make lucette21 a very happy woman, but it would probably be separate from the original story.

Thanks for reading, and I'd love to know what you think of the epilogue.