Chapter 13 – What I want
With his arms full of groceries, Derek barely managed to unlock the door. He walked into the vestibule, pushed the door with his foot, and dropped the bags on the small table on the corner. He ran a hand over his forehead, dripping wet. Tonight he was going to make things right with Meredith. He would cook dinner for her and for Daniel, which unfortunately couldn't find Damon to sleep over his place, and tonight… Derek stared blankly at the suitcase that stood by the stairs with a note and a set of keys on it.
Derek looked around him, trying to catch any sound of Meredith or Daniel in the house, but everything was perfectly silent.
This wasn't what he had had in plan for this night. Derek picked the paper and unfolded it.
"These are some of your stuff. I hope I packed everything you need for a night. We need a break, so you can sleep in the house in the woods. You can come and see Daniel anytime. Keep your keys. Meredith."
"Oh no," Derek breathed out, squeezing the keys into his hands. He shouldn't have done that.
He fumbled in his jacket for his phone and found quickly the number he was looking for.
Damon answered at the other end of the line, scolding, "What in the world have you done now?"
"Something stupid."
"Obviously," Damon replied sarcastically.
"Are Meredith and Daniel there?"
"No."
"Damon, please..."
"They're not here, Derek," Damon stated and Derek knew he could trust him. "So?"
Derek sighed. "Today, at the hospital… when she was around, I pretended to be talking on the phone with… Jenny."
"What?" Damon snapped.
"I just pretended. I don't even have her phone number!" Derek hurried to justify himself. "I met her just yesterday and I already don't want to hear about her."
"Please don't blame her. She hasn't done anything."
"I know. Sorry," Derek mumbled.
"Let me guess; you pretended to flirt with her."
"Yes," Derek answered quietly. "I was asking her out."
"Stupid," Damon replied.
"I know. What do I do now?"
"How should I know? I didn't spend much time around stupid people."
"Damon…" Derek pled.
"What? Are you seriously going to come for my help each time you screw simple things like making out with Meredith? Because if you do, please send me the number from your credit card. My services aren't free anymore."
Derek gave up. It was pointless to ask Damon's help. Damon was one of Meredith's best friends. And he was getting annoying, again. "I am going to tell Meredith about Cristina."
"Right. Like Meredith is going to listen to you anymore. Or like I am going to help you if you blackmail me."
Derek shut the phone and shoved it into the pocket. He ran his fingers through his hair, exhaling slowly and trying to process what he was supposed to do now. He couldn't give up on Meredith just like that. He knew it was his fault now, so he had to try his best.
The phone rang in his pocket and fumbled quickly, hoping it was Meredith. It was Damon. He sighed, but decided to answer.
"My advice? Pack a few stuff and move to the other house. For tonight. And maybe tomorrow night, too. You two need a break because you're getting exhausting with each other and we with other people… like me for instance. Anything else?"
Derek sighed and muttered, "No. Thanks."
"Night then." And the line went dead.
Derek didn't like it very much, but he understood it was wiser to listen to Damon.
He couldn't get much sleep that night. The place was awfully quiet. Normally, he would enjoy the silence, but not there; that was the house he and Meredith had talked to fill with children. That house wasn't for a loner.
He would talk to her and he would start setting things right, but slowly.
Arrived at Meredith's house, Derek found himself standing on the porch, confused. He didn't know if he could use the key to let himself in or if he should knock. Meredith had left him the key, but he wasn't sure if she wanted him to use it anytime he wanted. He looked at the house, the lights were still off, so Meredith and Daniel could still be sleeping. He decided to use his key and let himself in. This way he could help Meredith with breakfast.
From the moment he stepped into the house, Derek got worried. There was too much silence in there. No sight of Meredith or Daniel's voice. He stepped into the living room, but there was no sign of Meredith or Daniel either.
The sound of a spoon hitting a bowl had his attention and directed him towards the kitchen. Daniel was sitting at the table, eating cereals and wheeling a car on the table.
"Daddy!" he smiled, curving up his milk smudged lips.
"Morning, buddy," Derek smiled, glancing around for Meredith. "Where's mommy?"
Daniel sighed and said sadly, "I think she's sick. Why is she sick? She's a doctor."
"Umm... sometimes doctors get sick too. We're humans, Danny," Derek tried to explain. "Are you sure she's sick? Who poured you the cereals?"
"Mommy," he answered.
Derek was confused now. He dropped his things in a chair and went upstairs to check on Meredith. He found her in bed, indeed. She had body turned to the window, curled up in a ball.
She wasn't sleeping, because she glanced towards the door when Derek stepped in.
Derek walked to her bed. She had her eyes closed, forcing herself to look as if she was sleeping.
"Mer," Derek spoke softly. "Are you ok?"
Meredith just nodded. She opened her eyes and there were tears in her eyes.
"Meredith," Derek sighed and took a seat down on the bed. "Meredith, what's wrong?" he asked softly, brushing the hair out of her face.
Her face jerked away from his touch. "I am fine. Just tired," she mumbled. "I gave him cereals and I left him alone because I knew you would come. Take care of him today, ok?"
"Meredith, please tell me what's wrong?" Derek insisted. His heart broke. He had never seen her in that state. Something worse than their fight must have happened. "You don't look fine at all."
"I am tired, Derek. Please," she pled. "I called in sick today."
Derek stayed there for a while, hoping she would talk to him and tell him what was wrong. But Meredith closed her eyes and refused to open them or say a word.
He ran his fingers through her hair and told her, "I am going to take you to the hospital if you don't get well by tonight."
Meredith sniffed back her tears and didn't say anything, she didn't open her eyes.
After many sleepless hours, Meredith found her rest. She wasn't sure what hour of the day was, how long she had slept, but she was feeling rest. The headache, the nausea, everything felt better. She didn't feel like crying either, anymore.
Meredith tried to open her eyes, but her eyelids were like glued together from all the crying. She rubbed her eyes and forced them to open.
She let out a shriek when she found someone sitting beside her in bed.
"Sorry," Damon whispered and put a grin on his face.
"Damon," she sighed, feeling her heart drumming inside her chest.
"Hey," he greeted.
She stood up on pillows and leaned her back against the headboard. "You need to stop creeping in."
"I promise I will."
She inhaled and exhaled slowly, calming down. The headache was raising again thanks to the scare Damon gave her.
"What are you doing here?" she asked, annoyed.
"I came to check on you," he answered. "Derek sent me. And Mer, you look like crap."
Meredith just nodded, answering with a mutter, "And I feel like crap."
"Are you sick?"
Meredith shrugged her shoulders. "I don't think so."
"Then you're pregnant?"
Meredith shrugged her shoulders, again. "I think so." She rubbed her temples, praying the headache wouldn't hit again. She found Damon staring at her. "What?"
"When are you going to be sure?"
Meredith rolled her eyes. "I guess I will be sure when I'll go buy a test."
"Are you sure you could be pregnant? Because pregnant women look pretty."
"Thank you," she smiled sarcastically. "I am not sure. I am just suspecting. I felt the same when I was pregnant with Daniel. Apparently, that's what Derek's babies do to me." Suddenly, tears started drowning her eyes and voice.
"Mer," Damon pulled her into his arms, alarmed by the sudden burst of tears. "Hey, sweetie. What's wrong?"
She hit him harshly, pushing him away. "Stop asking me that! Can't you see what's wrong? I feel like crap. I might be pregnant and I might have a hormonal problem. I can't stop crying! And that's what's wrong!"
Gently he patted her arm. "Let me know how can I make you feel better."
She sniffed back her tears and nodded.
"How?" he asked.
"I... don't know..." she burst into tears again, leaving Damon astonished. He had seen a lot of people visiting his mother, but he never assisted to something like this. "Derek has some strange genes if all the pregnancies are like this," he muttered to himself, but Meredith heard and approved with a nod.
"Or there's something wrong with me," she replied, calmer.
"You bring pretty babies into the world," Damon reassured her.
But a new burst of tears was about to start. "And Derek..." she choked. "He needs to flirt with other women and I... I don't like it."
"Meredith," Damon cut in quickly. "He didn't flirt with anyone."
Meredith looked at him, rubbing her nose with her sleeve. "But I heard him."
Damon made a face of disgust at her gesture and took a box of napkins off the nightstand. "There." He handed it to her. "He wasn't talking to anyone. His primitive brain thought it would be benefic to your relationship if you get jealous. Who does that nowadays?"
"What do you mean?" she frowned, confused. "I know what I heard."
"But you couldn't hear her. Because she wasn't real."
"He pretended?"
"With my sister."
"Ugh... I don't like your sister already."
Damon chuckled. "I don't think she will resist in Seattle for too long, anyway," he muttered.
Meredith blew her nose and used another napkin to wipe her cheeks. "What if I am pregnant?"
Damon looked at her and asked back, "What if?"
Meredith shrugged her shoulders. She leaned her back against the headboard. The crying had calmed, but there was tears still sliding down her cheeks. "I am a human disaster."
Damon patted her hand, reassuring, "No, you're not. You raised Daniel all by yourself and look how great he is. He's not a disaster."
Meredith smiled wearily. If there was anything in the world that could put a smile on her face, no matter the state she was in, Daniel was what she needed.
"I feel embarrassed," she stated quietly, wiping her eyes.
"Do you want to watch a comedy?" Damon suggested. "That might help your spirit."
Meredith shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know how many Dvd's I have."
"Let's see what's on TV first," he suggested and looked for the remote control to the turn the TV on. The first channel that showed up, was a cartoons one. Daniel must have been the last one to watch TV in there.
They stood there and watched a cartoon, together; there was a little girl running off from school with her friends, stopping in a meadow to play hide and seek.
Meredith started to sob, again.
"That's supposed to cheer, Meredith," Damon sighed.
"I know," she started crying again. "This is cute. They show such a perfect childhood. I... I want Danny... to have... one... too."
"Hey..." Damon put his arm around her. "It's as perfect as it can be."
"I want it more perfect than this," she sniffed and hiccupped. "I don't... want him to... see us... fighting." She had seen her parents and she knew how bad that sucked. Damon knew that too, as he rubbed her arm and held her close to him.
"Ok," he sighed. "I know you have Titanic. Let's watch it so we can cry together, ok?"
Meredith just nodded and Damon left to find the movie.
At the end of the movie, Damon was discreetly wiping the corner of his eyes and Meredith was just staring at the Tv.
"Mer?" Damon called for her attention when she didn't seem able to tear her eyes from the screen.
Suddenly, Meredith burst into laughter, making Damon stare at her in shock.
"How ridiculous my worries are?" she laughed, between hiccups. "We could crash with the ferryboat and die by drowning. And I am worried about my fight with Derek and about his stupid jokes." she wiped her cheeks and stopped from laughing, taking deep breaths of air into her chest. "I need to talk to Derek."
Damon approved. He let out a sigh and got up from the bed. "And I need a break. You need to eat or you'll end up in the hospital, as patient," he told her. "Do you have anything to eat?"
Meredith nodded. "Thank you, Damon," she smiled gratefully.
He leaned down and kissed her on the cheek; a rare gesture for Damon. "Take care. Call me if you need anything."
Meredith smiled, watching him leave. She lay down on bed and closed her eyes, instantly falling asleep.
It was night outside and inside her room, when she woke up. She checked the clock and Derek wasn't supposed to bring Daniel for another hour, so she would have time to go take a shower and try to eat something.
Heavily she got out of the bed and trailed to the bathroom. There was a constant headache, not as intense as earlier that day, but disturbing enough. Looking at her image in the mirror, Meredith knew she didn't need a pregnancy test to know it would be positive; it was also her missing period that could prove that. Lazily she took her clothes off and walked into the shower. The warm water would do good to her skin and state of health.
She could not wait for Derek to bring Daniel, so she could talk to him. They needed to talk about everything.
Later in her room, while she was brushing her hair, someone rang at her door. Meredith looked at the clock; it could have been Derek if he had finished early at work, but why was he ringing.
She went downstairs, turning the lights on. She was about to ask Derek why was he ringing, but when she opened the door, Meredith froze, surprised with the visit.
"Carolyn!" she couldn't hide her shock to see Derek's mother on her doorstep.
"Hello, Meredith," Carolyn smiled kindly and waited to be invited in. But Meredith seemed stone-like in the doorway, staring at her. "May I come in?" Carolyn asked.
Meredith nodded and moved from the doorway, inviting her inside. "What are you doing here?"
Carolyn turned to look at her, surprised with the question. "I came for Daniel's birthday. Didn't you know I was coming?"
Meredith briefly closed her eyes, groaning on the inside. She knew where this would lead. "No. I didn't," she muttered.
"Didn't Derek tell you?" Carolyn asked.
Meredith closed the door behind Carolyn and bit her lip as she turned to her. "I... uh... he didn't."
Carolyn eyed her with suspicion. She walked into the living room, where she put her suitcase down and her jacket over a chair. She looked around, listening.
"Aren't the boys home?" she asked Meredith.
"No. Not yet," Meredith answered quietly.
There was something in Meredith's voice and in her attitude that made Carolyn ask, "What's going on?"
"Nothing," Meredith lied quickly.
"Why didn't Derek tell I was coming?" Carolyn asked back.
Meredith opened her mouth to answer, but she found she couldn't express herself correctly.
"Meredith?"
"Derek and I... umm," she scratched the back of her neck. "We're not really speaking to each other anymore. Actually... we do. Now. We just... we have some... break," she stuttered.
Carolyn listened to her, trying to understand something. "Where are they now?"
"At the hospital," she answered. "They should arrive, actually. Derek is bringing Daniel."
"Ok," Carolyn took a deep breath while she put her thoughts in order. "So you and Derek broke up?"
"No," Meredith answered quickly. "We just have this fight and... he moved out."
"He moved out!"
"No. I mean... yes. I asked him to move out for a while. We needed a break." Meredith tried to explain.
Carolyn was still carefully listening to her. It didn't take her long to put two and two together. She shook her head with disapproval. "This is not good for Daniel."
"I know," Meredith nodded. "I will talk to him tonight. We need to talk about... things."
"No," Carolyn answered after a short while. "What you two need is a good thinking. And I think both of you need a long night for a long thinking. This can't go on like this; on and off all the time. You can talk about it tomorrow."
The headache was rising again and Meredith was started to feel uncomfortable. She wasn't in the right state for lectures; besides that, she felt a little ashamed in front of Mrs. Shepherd, too. She looked away, trying to hide her grimace when a new wave of nausea hit.
Carolyn sighed with disapproval, noticing Meredith's gesture. "You're pregnant?"
Meredith looked at her, surprised. "How do you know?"
"So you are."
Meredith looked down.
"Does Derek know?"
"No."
"You two don't need a break. You had plenty of time to figure out what you two have together as couple. You need to make a decision, because you can't go on like this."
"I know what I want," Meredith stated, quietly though.
"Maybe you do, but let's be sure. Ok?"
Meredith was hesitating.
Carolyn smiled kindly. "Let's give them a boys night and us a girls night," she suggested.
Meredith narrowed her eyes, smiling.
"Without men and alcohol. Absolutely not," Carolyn chuckled. "So?"
Meredith wasn't entirely happy with the idea, at first, but then she considered it and decided it was better to listen to Mrs. Shepherd. "I don't know what Derek would say..."
"I will talk to him," Carolyn stated and took out her phone. She dialed Derek's number, but after a while she noticed he wasn't answering, and so she decided to send him a text message, asking him to spend the night with Daniel alone. "Come," she smiled at Meredith. "You look like you haven't been eating for days."
"I haven't, actually," Meredith admitted.
"I know," Carolyn smiled. "Was it the same with Daniel?"
Meredith nodded and let out a sigh. "Why can't I be one of those happy pregnant women?"
Carolyn chuckled. "You can be happy, still."
Meredith groaned. "You have no idea how it feels."
"It's just for 3 months or so, right?"
Meredith looked at her.
"I was pregnant with Derek, so... I do understand what you're going through."
"With Derek only?" Meredith asked, surprised.
"And you with Daniel and this one."
Meredith stopped in the doorway, processing. "Do you think it's a boy?"
Carolyn shrugged her shoulders, smiling. "I'd say so, but we'll see. Meredith, whatever you and Derek decide about your relationship, you're still like a daughter to me. You're the mother of my grandchildren."
Tears threatened to start again in Meredith's eyes. Carolyn laughed and pulled her into a hug, comforting her.
After a pleasant evening with Carolyn and after a day of sleep, the night was long enough for Meredith to consider the likes and dislikes about Derek and put them in balance, for the right decision.
Less calm than Meredith, and exhausted, Derek had a long night. Although he was pretty sure what he wanted, he listened to his mother and made a balance of likes and dislikes about his relationship with Meredith.
