I can't help but look at him while he's yelling at Feliciano-kun.

Just as I had thought, he pretended nothing had happened last night.

It's always the same. It has been this way since we started our secret relationship so long ago.

It's true, there's no way that he could ever care about me, but am I really nothing more than his play toy?

Do I really mean nothing to him?

As I look at them together, I feel alone. I have to choke back my tears when I see Ludwig-san look over at Feliciano-kun with the same eyes he gives me. The beautiful blue reflecting the smaller man's smiling, innocent face.

Feliciano-kun doesn't know anything. He's unaware that he and I are sharing a lover.

And he's unaware that every time I see him, I hate him more.

My jealousy is overwhelming. It's pointless and irritating.

I promised myself that I would never fall in love with anyone, and I'm still trying to stick to this promise, although it's getting harder and harder each night.

He makes me angry.

He makes me cry.

He makes me want to slap him.

And yet I can't help but want him more.

But I digress...

I'm not sure why he's yelling at Feliciano-kun. Probably for some stupid reason. Maybe he's running too slowly again.

I'm sitting here on a small boulder jutting out from the soft, grassy earth, watching the two European men as they carry on.

Feliciano-kun has asked me to join them as they play on the soft sand of the beach nearby, but I have declined. I do not wish to be in their way. I do not wish to be the "third wheel" again, as the phrase goes.

I find their customs rather strange and I'm unsure that I could ever truly understand them. And this is why I am letting them go.

I can't hold Ludwig-san back any longer.

And yet tonight, I know what will happen.

I will be taken in his loving arms. His blue eyes will capture me. And I'll be his for another night. Even if I try to escape him.

He has become nothing less than my world and I occupy my time thinking of ways to leave him, but it's useless.

I watch them walk off together, holding hands and smiling as they make their way to the beach. And I wonder if Ludwig-san will ever hold my hand like that. But for now, these nightly rituals are all I have. And I will hold them preciously and hope that maybe someday, Ludwig-san will want to hold my hand and smile at me the same way he does with Feliciano-kun.

My life is like an echo. A lost voice traveling into the unknown distance. I feel weightless, but it's not a pleasant sensation. I feel sick as their figures pass the trees and I can no longer see them.

I know that on that beach, Ludwig-san will make love to Feliciano-kun. And I know that I'll cry thinking about it. My eyes are already watering.

But if this is what he wants, then so be it.

I wish for nothing more than to see Ludwig-san happy.