"Ich liebe dich." He had whispered to me. His voice was raspy as he lie beside me, spent from another night of rough motions. I almost cried when he said this, but the tears would not have been happy ones.
That liar was trying to trick me.
He already had me wrapped around his finger, but now he was planning something else.
I wondered how many times he had uttered the same words to Feliciano-kun.
He looked at me as though expecting me to reply. As though hoping I would say it back. Was that what he wanted? Did he want to know that he had finally taken complete control of me?
Well, I did not comply to his wishes. I didn't return the words. Instead I turned away from him, lying on my side instead of my back. I couldn't look at him. Tears had already started to squeeze their way out of my eyes.
"What's wrong?" He whispered as he wrapped his arms around me from behind, "Why won't you look at me, liebe?" One of his hands rested against my chest and the other against my stomach.
'I hate you.' I thought to myself. I wanted to say it. Truly, I did
'I hate you.' I thought again. But that time, It didn't feel like I meant it.
'I hate you.' Another thought, but by now, I was sure this wasn't how I was really feeling.
I choked back a few more tears as I pushed him away. He seemed shocked and I heard him gasp.
"Kiku?" He whispered as he leaned over me and brushed some hair from my face, "Why are you crying?"
I pushed him away again as I stood up, almost jumping up, from the bed. I still didn't respond, my throat tight from holding back sobs. I searched around for my clothes and threw them on sloppily. He watched me as I flung my jacket on and ran for the bedroom door. Before I knew it, his hand was gripping my wrist firmly.
"You can't leave, Kiku." He said almost monotone. His deep voice resounded in my ears and I thought I would pass out. I tried to pull my arm out of his grasp, but he was too strong.
"P-please..." I managed to choke, "Please let me go..." I was whimpering from the pain shooting through my right wrist, the one that he was holding too tightly.
I refused to look at him.
"No. Please stay..." For a moment, I thought I had heard his voice shake. I looked back at him, his eyes held sorrow and I stared at him for a moment.
"I can't stay." I said flatly, the tears streaking my face had already begun to dry up as I tried to keep myself under control. I pulled my wrist from his hand, almost easily, as though he weren't even /trying/ to hold me back anymore. And I left. I walked out of his room, breathing heavily and grumbling something under my breath.
I stormed out of his house and into the darkness of the unforgiving night. The stars stared at me and the moon didn't seem to smile like it usually does. I could hardly tell where I was most of the time, but I didn't care.
I just wanted to get away from him.
I wanted to be far enough away for him to never see me again.
But I wanted him to be there with me.
I wasn't making any sense at all. This is what Ludwig-san did to me.
He confused me, made me angry. And he made me storm out in the middle of the night, wishing that he hadn't been so sweet to me.
When I arrived at home, I almost immediately regretted what I had done.
He called me numerous times, leaving messages that I didn't hear. I sat on my bed, my eyes closed. When I lied down, I finally realized that I had taken the wrong shirt.
I was lying on my bed wearing his shirt... Ludwig's shirt... I wanted to take it off and fling it across the room, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Even when I had taken off my pants and was only wearing my boxers and his oversized shirt, I couldn't take it off.
My fingers would get to the buttons, but they wouldn't undo them. I could put my hands at the bottom of the shirt, in the perfect position to fling if off, but I couldn't go any further.
I sighed and rested my head on the pillow, thoughts of him swirling in my head.
The phone has rung thirty seven times since I got home about an hour ago. And each time it has been Ludwig-san. He has left message after message on my answering machine, but I've ignored them all.
I refused to admit to him that I was in love with him. And I refused to let him know that when I saw him with Feliciano, I wanted to disappear and give up my existence so that I may not have to deal with this pain.
The phone rings again and I ignore his deep, sad voice.
