Two Days After Finnick & Annie's Wedding
I'm in the living room when I hear a knock at the door. Peeta is changing Eve upstairs, so I put Josh on my left hip and go answer it.
I swing it open to find my mentor, who has been sober for months now.
"Haymitch! Come on in," I smile.
"Thanks sweetheart."
He steps in and ruffles Josh's hair. We walk into the living room and I sit on the couch while he sits in a chair.
"What's up?" I ask. Usually Haymitch just walks in, so I know he's hear for a reason because he actually knocked.
"Where's Peeta? I need to talk to both of you," Haymitch responds flatly.
"He's changing Eve. Hold on," I tell him. "Peeta? Honey, can you come down here, Haymitch wants to talk to us."
"One minute!" I hear from upstairs.
True to his word, Peeta walks into the living room a minute later with Eve on his shoulder, her tiny chin resting on the hollow above his collarbone. He gives me a peck on the lips and kisses Josh's forehead, then sits down next to me. Our hands instinctually find each other.
"What's going on, Haymitch?" Peeta asks.
"I have some news," he says without any discernable emotion.
"Well spit it out already," I tell him.
"They set Gale's execution date," he says while looking me in the eye.
"When is it?" Peeta asks, as I am speechless.
Haymitch pauses. I can see this is hard for him.
"Two days," he says quietly.
An involuntary gasp escapes my mouth. It's not that I don't want Gale's execution to happen, because Peeta has helped me come to terms with it. But now that it's really going to happen, it hits me hard. I remember what Peeta and I talked about last month.
"Honey, I think we need to talk about Gale," Peeta says to me while we lie in bed.
"Why?" I ask curiously.
"I don't think you've fully resolved how you feel about his execution," he says quietly.
I sigh. My first instinct is to deny, but my months with Peeta have taught me to think before I speak. It helps me tell the truth, instead of spitting out my gut reaction, which sometimes leads to arguments. I think about what he's saying, and I know he's right.
"Okay, let's talk," I tell him. He gives me a surprised look. "What, did you think you'd have to convince me?" I tease.
"Kind of," he shrugs.
"Well, I'm a different girl than the one you met all those years ago," I smile.
"Don't I know it," he grins.
I lean up for a kiss and then settle with my head on his chest, looking up to him. I know I'm going to need to feel him close to me for this conversation.
"Look, Kat, I'm not saying that I think you have feelings for him, because I got over that a long time ago. You proved yourself to me, and I've never doubted you. I just think that it's hard for you. It has to be. I know you're blaming yourself, that you think that your testimony got him the death sentence."
I avert my eyes from his, and that's as good of an admission of guilt as anything.
"I thought so," he says softly. "Katniss, you can't blame yourself. It will only eat you up. Trust me, I know."
"How?" I ask. "I'm not trying to be mean or sarcastic, I'm just curious."
He sighs deeply.
"You know my mother – she –"
"She abuses you," I whisper sadly.
He nods.
"Yeah. She started when I was really young. I'm the baby of the family, and she took everything out on me. She never wanted to be a baker's wife, and I always felt that she thought she settled for second best. She spanked me with belts if I dropped flour, hit me across the face if I broke a plate, and yelled at me constantly."
"Oh, Peeta. I'm so sorry. I wish I could have been there for you."
"I know, Kat. But you're here now, and I know you'd do anything to keep her from ever touching me again, and I absolutely love you for it."
"If she ever touches you again, I'll kill her," I say seriously.
"I know. But what I'm getting at is that, for years and years, I blamed myself. I had been told by her so many times that it was my fault, that I brought it on myself. So, I started to believe it. I thought that I was a screw-up and stupid, and I deserved what was happening to me. My dad tried to tell me otherwise, but it never helped. I think part of me resented him for not doing more to try and stop it."
I can see he's getting emotional, and it's tearing me up inside.
"Peeta, honey, we don't have to talk about this if you can't or don't want to."
"No, I need to. I've never told anybody this. You're my wife, Kat, you should know everything."
"Thank you," I whisper softly with a look of love.
"Well, it got worse as I got older. She moved on to different and more painful ways of hurting me. I don't think I've ever told you what happened to me when I gave you that bread, have I?"
"No, you haven't," I tell him quietly.
He takes a deep breath, and I give him a reassuring kiss on his bare chest. I'm here for him, always.
"I burned that bread on purpose. I think you know that. I watched you dig through the garbage, and I knew I had to help. I couldn't stand by and watch you starve. Part of it was that I already loved you, but it was also that I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror if I let an innocent person wither away and die if I could've done something about it. So I burned the loaves. When my mother came in to the kitchen, and saw what I had done, she got very angry. She hit me across the face repeatedly, telling me how worthless and dumb I was. She told me to take the loaves out to the pigs, then come back for my punishment. When I was about to walk out the door, she said to me, 'and don't you dare give any to that Seam girl. If her own mother can't take care of her, then it's her own damn fault'. I couldn't believe her. I've never hated my mother more than in that moment. When I came outside, and saw you sitting under that tree, soaked to the bone and starving, I didn't care if she killed me when I went back in. All I cared about was that you needed what I had. Katniss, you know I would give you the world. Anything that I have, everything I am, is yours."
"I know, Peeta," I nod. "I – I – I guess I don't really know what to say."
And it's true. Peeta's story is making me emotional. Hearing what he went through as a kid, and what he endured to help me, makes me incredibly sad. I feel shameful for ever thinking of him as lucky, that because he was a merchant, he had an easy life. I feel guilty for resenting him.
"It's okay. Just listen for now. What I'm getting at with that story is that the day I gave you that bread was they day I stopped blaming myself for what was happening to me. I looked at you, and I saw the determination, courage, but most of all, a heavy sadness in your eyes. I stopped feeling bad for myself, because I knew then that there were other people that had it worse than me. I vowed to myself that no matter what my mother did to me, no matter how bad she hurt me, I would always remember that it was her choice to hit me. It was never my fault, I was a kid. Kid's make mistakes. They break stuff, they mess up. She was at fault, Katniss. She chose to hit me. She chose to abuse her son for years."
He pauses to collect his thoughts, and I feel the need to lean up and kiss him. He's a little surprised, but kisses me back nonetheless.
"What was that for?" He asks.
"Because I love you," I tell him.
"I love you too."
He sits in contemplation for another moment before he starts speaking again.
"The point is, Katniss, that Gale got himself his death sentence. You had nothing to do with it. He attacked us. You did nothing to force or provoke him to. You were there, you remember as well as I do. He made the choice to not accept what you asked of him. He made the choice to say all those horrible things to you. He made the choice to beat me and try to kill our babies. It was him, Kat, not you. You got up there and testified because it was the right thing to do. You told the truth, and I've never been more proud of you. But you can't let yourself believe that Gale is going to die because of you. Gale is dying because of himself. He brought this all on himself."
"But Peeta, this all started because of me."
"No, Katniss," he shakes his head. "This all started because Gale refused to accept that he couldn't get what he wanted. This all started because Gale decided that if you didn't want to be with him, then he had to do everything in his power to try and make you change your mind. Look, I know you blame yourself, and I completely understand why. What I'm telling you is that you don't have to. You shouldn't. He made his decisions, and he has to live with the consequences. Let me ask you a question."
"Okay."
"Did you ask him to yell at you?"
"No."
"Did you ask him to try and kiss you?"
"No."
"Did you ask him to try and strangle me and kill our babies?"
"Peeta, of course not."
"Exactly, Katniss. You never asked for any of this. All you were trying to do was get your friend back. If anything, you should be proud of yourself. Even after everything he did, at least before the attack, you were still willing to be his friend. That takes courage. That takes forgiveness that not many people possess. It reminds me of what an amazing person I have for a wife. So, please Kat, let it go. You have to, or else it will eat you up inside. It took me years to understand what was really happening to me, and I don't want you to have to go through that."
I nod slowly, and digest everything Peeta has told me tonight. It makes sense. It really does. But it's hard to let go. I keep thinking that none of this would have happened if I had done something different. But then I think about all the things I did do, and I know that I made the right choices. I never tried to provoke him, or lead him on. I told him I was willing to forgive him, to move on, and he chose to berate and attack us.
"Let's go to sleep, Kat. We can talk about this more after you've thought about it some."
"Okay, Peeta. Thank you. I love you, forever."
"I love you too. Always."
The next morning, I shook Peeta awake, and told him that I had let it go. I haven't blamed myself since.
I'm brought back to reality by a tug on my hand from Peeta.
"Where'd you go?" He asks.
"Just thinking," I reply softly.
"Well, Haymitch wants to know if we want to go to 2 for the execution. We are allowed to, as we are the 'victims'," Peeta gently explains. "I'm leaving it up to you. Whatever you decide, I'm behind you."
I nod gratefully. I look at Eve in his arms, then to Josh in mine. I look to Haymitch, who has a soft, almost loving expression on his face. Finally I look to my husband, who is showing me nothing but pure, unrestricted, everlasting love.
"No. I don't need to be there."
"May I ask why not, sweetheart?" Haymitch asks.
"A few reasons," I explain. "First, the twins. It's not just that they're so young and I don't want to travel that far with them, or leave them, but they've changed my perspective on life and death. I've seen so much death in my life, so much unnecessary taking of life. I don't need to see one more needless death. Gale could have prevented this at any time, but he chose his path. He brought this down on himself, and in two days he will pay the consequences. I truly hope that he finds peace somewhere, but I don't ever need to see him again. My life is right here."
Peeta and Haymitch look downright stunned at my little speech. They both look incredibly proud of me, and Peeta has tears in his eyes.
"You are so incredibly brave, Katniss," he says quietly.
"He's right, sweetheart. It takes a lot to go through what you two have, and not just with Gale or the Games. You two are the most courageous people I know."
"Thank you both for being here for me," I tell them sincerely. "I wouldn't be able to do this without you."
"You never have to thank me, you know that," Peeta says. Haymitch nods his agreement.
Later that night, after we've put the twins down, Peeta and I lie in bed together. My head is naturally on his chest, while his arms are wrapped tightly around me. He is lightly dozing while I am still thinking about Gale's imminent execution.
"You're thinking about Gale," Peeta observes.
"Does that make you mad?" I ask.
"What? No, why would it?"
"Because I'm in bed with you and I'm thinking about another man," I say quietly.
"Katniss, I would hope you don't think me that petty," he whispers.
"No! Peeta, I would never – crap - I'm sorry, Peeta. That was really rude. I know that you're not jealous. I'm just thinking about it all, and my mind is all jumbled."
"Wanna talk about it?" He asks gently.
"Yeah," I nod shyly.
"Okay. You start."
"Do you think I'm doing the right thing not going?" I ask.
"Kat, it's not about what I think. It's about what you feel. If you don't want to go, we won't go," he tells me.
"Ugh, I knew that was what you were going to say," I grin. "I know you too well sometimes."
"Ditto," he smiles.
"I'm just confused. Part of me wants to be there, to see it happen. To have the satisfaction of knowing that he got what he deserved after the horrible things he did to us and put us through. The other part of me is terrified of seeing him again. I'm so tired of death, and with the Quell and the Rebellion right around the corner, we're going to have our fair share of it. And I meant what I said earlier. I just, I just don't know Peeta."
"I think you have valid reasons for both arguments. I know it would give you closure to see it with your own eyes, but I also know how much that would affect you. You would carry that image for the rest of your life. And knowing hoe prone we both are to nightmares, it's inevitable that it would seep into your dreams. Do you really want to see him die over and over again for years to come?"
"No, never."
"I also think if we went, it would just be too tough for you. We have so much happening in our lives right now. The babies, the Quell, the Rebellion. We need our minds clear and focused, Kat. I'm not saying you're not strong or brave enough, but I know you. I know how much it would hurt to see that happen to him, even after everything he did."
Seriously, what did I ever do to deserve this man.
"You're right, Peeta," I say after a few moments. "I don't want to be there. I want to be here, with you and our babies. Knowing will be more than enough."
"Are you sure?" He asks one final time.
"I'm sure," I tell him confidently.
I lean up and kiss him on the lips, thanking him for yet again getting me through an emotional conversation, and resolving the issue.
Two days later, Peeta, the twins and I are in the living room when there's a soft knock at the door. I get up to answer it, even though I already have a feeling I know who it is and what it's about.
I swing the door open, and Haymitch is standing on the porch, his hands in his pockets and his head down.
"Come in, Haymitch," I say quietly.
He follows me into the living room and sits in the same chair he did two days ago. I sit next to Peeta and grip his hand hard. He squeezes back, telling me everything's going to be okay. What he doesn't know is that I already know that. With him by our side, and our babies, I know everything's going to be okay.
We're silent, letting Haymitch have the time he needs to speak.
"He's dead," he says simply.
I nod and look down at my feet.
"I'm sorry, Katniss," Peeta whispers.
I nod a little, and he gently squeezes my hand.
"How?" I ask. I remember they gave him a choice.
"Firing squad," Haymitch tells me.
"Was it quick?" I ask.
He sighs.
"Do you want me to tell you it was quick or do you want the truth, sweetheart?" He bluntly asks.
I glare at him.
"The truth."
"No. It wasn't. He suffered."
For some reason, this doesn't bother me like I thought it would.
Haymitch continues.
"They shot him in all his limbs first, and let him bleed for a while. Then they, then they – Katniss, I don't think you need to hear this."
"I do, Haymitch. Please," I plead.
"Okay. They shot him in the genitals. Finally, after about an hour or so, they gave him a coup-de-grace to the head."
The Capitol is so sadistic. They couldn't even give him a quick death. Instead, they tortured him. Although I can say without a doubt that he deserved every minute of it, I still think that anyone and everyone should never have to go through something like that. It's the same reason I shot Cato with that arrow, even after he'd tried to kill us.
"Are you okay, Kat?" Peeta gently asks me. I turn to look at him.
"Yeah. It's over now. We're safe. I've let him go," I tell him.
"Really?" He asks.
I nod.
"Really."
That night, Peeta and I are in bed, getting ready to sleep.
"I'm proud of you, Katniss. They way you're handling this is so mature and courageous. I don't know how you do it."
"Peeta, sometimes you can be so blind. I'm only able to deal with so well because I have you to talk me through everything. If you weren't around, I'd be a complete mess about this. I wouldn't know who or what to blame, whether or not to go, and I definitely would not have been able to let it go, at least not for years, probably never."
He's quiet, and I know he's going to try and tell me he had nothing to do with it. I preempt him.
"Don't even tell me you had nothing to do with it. That's a lie, and you know it. You've helped me so much, Peeta, and not just with this. You've opened my eyes to a different way of thinking, of living, and I'll be forever grateful for it. Because of you, I now am able to express myself without regret, to talk about my problems. I'm willing to put myself out there, because I trust that you will always be there to bring me back."
"You really are an amazing woman, Katniss Mellark."
"I owe it to you, Peeta Mellark."
I lean up and kiss him passionately. When we break apart, I whisper against his lips, staring into his deep blue eyes.
"I love you. Forever."
"I love you too. Always."
A/N: Gale is dead. He's really dead. I'm not going to bring him back, or anything like that. Let's just say Haymitch has proof, shall we? I decided after thinking about that bringing Gale back would just be stupid. Katniss is past that part of her life, she's moved on. She's a different person than she was when they hunted together. Like she said, her priorities have shifted.
Anyways, I hope you liked the chapter. It's one of the more serious, emotional ones I've written for this story. I knew that humor just wouldn't cut it. It would ruin it. I hope you enjoyed it.
Keep reviewing and reading. Have a great Saturday night!
