"Not Human"
I didn't want to listen. I couldn't believe what they were telling me. The words were floating around my mind; they had to be lying. I stood in fear as the Kazekage told us what the mission was. I felt the sweat trickle down the back of my neck and my hairs stood up. The Kazekage's face was stern, and unbelievably serious. I began to open my mouth and speak,
"I-I can't perform this mission-"
"You have to. This is to protect the citizens of Suna."
I suddenly hated this village and more, the Kazekage. His cold, emotionless eyes wanted to maliciously murder me. He always kept placing me in situations that were slowly tearing me in broken, vulnerable pieces. His eyes were kept intently at me, staring me down into submission. This was wrong, it was inhumane, to force one to do this to another. I stared down into the floor,
"I understand."
My voice croaked while I tried to hold back my weakness and pain. As Temari, Kankuro, Gaara and I walked back towards the house, I walked behind them. I looked at them, while they all held their heads high, walking forward. In their own way, they were alone, but together. All but, I shifted my eyes towards him. His head was held high, but his heart wasn't. It couldn't be.
At the house, Temari and Kankuro avoided my eyes. I sat on the couch and tried to hold in everything I felt. It pained me in a way that, I felt numb cold, lost forever in the void. My thoughts rushed past me, my memories. I felt a physical pain in my lungs and heart. I would never forgive this village for what I had to do. Even in my death, I would feel remorse for this mission and hatred towards the Kazekage. As the rest of the day passed, all retreated to their bedrooms except me. I couldn't sleep while reality haunted me. The hours rushed by and morning came, I still couldn't sleep.
The others prepared themselves and so did I. I walked, lifelessly to take a shower in hopes of washing the dirt as well as my emotions away. I dressed and headed towards the Kazekage's office, as we walked, I saw my old home, and I felt more pained that I had in a while. At the Kazekage's office, We were handed masks in order to conceal our identity. Our mission was to be performed at midnight, while everyone was soundly asleep in their beds, in their wonderful lives.
The day passed so quickly when I wished it would stop. Midnight came and I walked with Temari, Kankuro and Gaara. I walked ahead than the others and came upon our destination first. I looked at my old home in hopes I could be forgiven. A strong, just person would have refused but I'm neither strong nor just. Gaara stood beside me and unlocked the door with his sand. We all had our masks on, except Gaara. I opened the door quietly and stepped inside. The smell of my past life filled my lungs. The lights were off but I could see just fine. I walked up the stairs while my legs shook from fear. I passed by my old room without looking at it and headed towards my sister's room. She had left the door unopened and she was sleeping. I smiled as I saw her innocence and her emotionless face. Her chest rose as she breathed in and out. Her beautiful hair covered part of her face as she slept, unaware of her destiny.
The others stood outside the door; they didn't want to witness this even though they have seen death many times. I walked over to my sister and I let a tear fall to the floor as I realized how much I cared for her. But I had to do it, she was miserable after our parents' death and my transformation. I realized she wouldn't live long anyway and maybe this was for the best. I cried as I recalled what we had been through together, what we had. The past didn't exist anymore but it should be remembered. I lifted my hand and the kunai that was in it. She didn't expect it, nor would she feel it. She just fell asleep and never woke up. Before I brought my hand down, I wanted to tell her the last words she would ever hear.
"I'm sorry Miho and I love you. You were the best sister even though it turned out worse in the end."
My hands were above hers, covered in her blood. The warm thick substance that was the life of my sister's, I now held. I shook feeling; I just killed a piece of myself as well. I saw her body, lifeless and cold and then…
Darkness. Did protecting other people really matter? Was it just to murder someone for the general population? What if that person wasn't dangerous at all, what if that was the person you grew up with? Or loved? Would that be fair? Is life ever fair? Little by little, day by day, I was submitting myself into a real demon. I could hardly be called human anymore because humans don't do the things I have done. I wish it could be different, I wish I could be done with life. It was so painful to be here, it hurt so much to live. I survive one day to only suffer more the next. So was it all worth it? Was it worth to live another day only to be pushed into doing things like murdering your only family?
But I was just as guilty.
I could have refused and felt proud and human. But I, I have no excuse. The walk back to Gaara's home was the loneliest and coldest I had ever felt. It didn't hurt but I felt something worse, I felt the emptiness that was inside me. The empty void had devoured anything and everything that had once been inside, the emptiness left plenty of room for the cold. I began to physically shiver, the early morning was never this cold before, and it was never this dreadful and empty before. I could never be described as irreproachable because I was plainly the opposite; I was the fault of everything and I knew it.
The days passed by thoughtlessly after that. I never tried to smile again; the hope in me had been extinguished, like the fire in my chest. My demon seemed to be under control but maybe that was because I had no life anymore. I felt like a discarded doll a child left and grew up without. I felt like the casted away friends when their only friends moves away and is never heard of again. After that mission, I was given meaningless missions, things that children could do without effort. In the Kazekage's home, every night I would enclose myself in my room and shut out the world, there was only the emptiness, there was only me. I would whisper my sister's name in empty emotions, in meaningless tears. That night, I thought about running away and trying life anew. Pretending this was all a dream I could live again. I started to pack up my things and the little money I had from the petty missions. I opened the window and felt the door open.
"You're pathetic. You live without a reason, without an existence. You might as well be dead."
Of course, it was Gaara. I looked towards him and answered,
"You're right. I might as well be dead. So I'm leaving and I'm going to forget that I ever was in Suna or that I ever was a ninja. I'm going to forget my name and my self. I'll live somewhere else and have a new family. I'll be happy."
He squinted his beautiful, powerful teal eyes at me, "You disgrace anyone with a demon. You gave up too easily and have shown how weak you are. Even that blonde boy wasn't as weak as you."
Suddenly, the emptiness was filled with feeling again. I thought of that insolent blonde boy, Naruto. My void was now a burning ember; I was filled with malice towards the word 'weak'. I found feeling again. Gaara now gave me my existence back. I could feel the Hachimata's voice echo threw me.
'Kyubi, I will defeat Kyubi. Kill that boy and kill the fox.'
How could I say no? I turned to Gaara and closed the window, through my mouth I uttered a curt,
"Thank you Gaara."
He closed his eyes and turned away, heading probably to his room. I really didn't know why I felt so much hate and anger towards that idiot, I don't know him. Then without realizing it, I knew. The Hachimata had some sort of grudge against Kyubi and in turn, Naruto. Although this wasn't a good reason to base my existence upon, I wasn't going to lose my only reason to live. I needed something to keep walking forward for and this was it. To learn and beat Naruto so that the Hachimata's anger will cease. He was a part of me and I, of him.
The next day, I went straight to the Kazekage to learn about the Hachimata. He told me that the Hachimata and the Kyubi were in a feud for the last 700 years. The Hachimata hated the Kyubi because being a fox Kyubi was very conniving. He tricked the Hachimata when he was a young demon, only being 100 years of age, and told him if he was trapped by a human he would gain 100 more years of experience, thus growing a tail. The Hachimata believed him and he let a human trap him and he's been seeking revenge on the Kyubi ever since.
I still despised the Kazekage. I still hated him for what he did to me. But I wasn't going to do anything about it so I ignored my mental cry for blood. I raced back towards the house to grab my things and train. I was at the training grounds and began to practice my fighting style. I had developed my skill and had a sufficient understanding of how to use it. I made my hand sign and started to throw my fireballs at a target, I counted how many I could throw. My aim was precise and I wasn't wearing out anytime soon.
"45, 46, 47"
I could still go on. Now I tried to be moving and hitting the targets at the same time. I leaped around, ran, tumbled, fell. It was difficult to create a real battle environment with only one person.
"You look disgraceful."
I tripped when I heard someone speak. I looked to the side and saw Gaara. How had he appeared without my knowing? He walked next to my target,
"I'll be striking you."
I stood in my stance, ready. The cork violently exploded off of his gourd and the sand spilled out like a live, murderous beast. At first the sand came slowly at me but then the speed rose. I had to run and dodge the small waves of sand to try hitting him. My aim wasn't the best but I always hit within 3 feet of him on either side. After 20 minutes or so of doing this, my aim was more precise. I kept hitting Gaara with my fire, although his sand always protected him, if this was a real battle, I would be inflicting damage.
I soon tired and accidentally tripped when sand grabbed my ankle. I threw my flame at the sand and pushed it off my leg. More sand came at me and like a fire-thrower, I was pushing the sand away. My chakra was tiring out and I decided to take a rest.
"Nozomi, do you envy Naruto?"
I looked at Gaara and his powerful eyes. His tone of voice wasn't sweet or kind but pained and it had the deep scar of loneliness in it. I thought about his question carefully before answering,
"Maybe a little. He does have friends and they obviously don't shun him. But maybe he also has difficulties because of his demon."
I was glad Gaara was opening up to me. It made me feel warm, to have someone I could speak with who goes through the things I do. We both weren't entirely human but we did die as other humans do. We also cried and pained and break. I wondered if there were any normal humans who understood that instead of fearing us.
