It's been a few days, but I'm still confused. Ludwig and I haven't been spending nights together and I've hardly even seen him.

I've been avoiding him. And since I've been avoiding him, he has been asking me /why/ I've been avoiding him. That's why I don't want to see him. I don't want to explain to him that I can't look at him without hurting. I don't want him to know that I want more than just the nights that we spend together. I don't want him to know that he's killing me by playing with me like this.

And now that I see him with his sad eyes and his lonely face, looking at me like he can't live without me, I'm starting to believe that maybe he really does have feelings for me...

But I know he's only doing it to get me back for his own pleasure.

I've been swearing under my breath a lot lately, especially when I see him walking towards me. My entire life depends on him right now, and I'm getting scared. I don't know what to do without him in my life, but I know that I don't want him to be in it anymore.

As long as he loves Feliciano-kun, I will not be able to even look at him.

Today was one of the days that I saw him. He was talking with Alfred-san.

I had invited Alfred-san to come visit me, I needed somebody to talk to and he had been a very good friend to me since sometime after the second world war.

What I couldn't tell Ludwig-san, I told him.

When I saw that Ludwig-san was with him, my heart ached. Just looking at him now makes me feel pitiful... it makes me feel sick. I considered going back into my house before they saw me, just to pretend I wasn't home, but they both looked directly at me before I got the chance.

"Hey! Kiku!" Alfred-san called with an exaggerated wave. I smiled a little at him, I hadn't yet told him what was going on between Ludwig-san and I, so he hadn't thought twice about letting Ludwig-san come along.

"H-hello, Alfred-san." I smiled at him weakly. Ludwig was standing beside him, looking at me with unblinking eyes. I didn't say hello to him. Our eyes locked and I stared at him for a moment.

"Hey, Kiku? You alright?" Alfred-san asked as he waved his hand in front of my face. I snapped out of it and stopped staring at Ludwig-san in order to reply.

"Y-yeah... I-I'm fine." I smiled again. I hoped it looked convincing, but I don't think it did. Alfred-san frowned.

"What's wrong, Kiku?" He questioned with a concerned voice.

I shook my head, "Nothing. I'm fine." I lied through another smile.

Ludwig-san looked at me sadly again and I tried to look away. Alfred wrapped his arms around me from behind, kissing the top of my head.

"Are you sure you're fine, Kiku?" He smiled as he rested his head down on my shoulder. He could probably feel me shaking.

I looked at Ludwig-san again and saw his surprise, probably about how Alfred-san was acting... and I wasn't stopping him.

I looked back to Alfred-san.

"I'm sure I'm fine~!" I lied and giggled a little, patting his head.

I led them inside, making sure to avoid most eye contact with Ludwig-san, but every time I looked over at him, he was watching me with those sad, pathetic, blue eyes.

As the evening progressed, Ludwig-san had stayed mostly silent. I spoke to him only when I had to. When he left to go to the bathroom, Alfred-san looked at me with a very serious face and asked me what was wrong with Ludwig-san and I.

"He keeps looking at you." Alfred stated, "Normally you two talk to each other a lot, right? Then why aren't ya speaking to each other?" His voice was not only serious, but also very concerned.

I shook my head as though that could be an answer, "Everything is fine." I lied, "W-we just d-don't have anything to discuss..." I stutter when I'm nervous, and it managed to slip through a couple of times while I spoke to Alfred-san. He immediately knew that I was lying when my stuttering began. He knew me well enough to know that this was nothing more than a lie.

"No. There's something wrong." He said, leaning back in the chair a little as he stared directly at me, "What happened?" He asked. He was only trying to help, but I wish I had realized this at the time. Instead I immediately got angry with him and slammed my fist down on the coffee table between us.

"There is nothing wrong!" I practically yelled just as Ludwig-san entered the room.

He looked at me in shock for a moment before walking out of my house, slamming the door shut. I wasn't sure if he was angry or hurt.

I hadn't seen his expression.

Alfred-san stared at the door for a second, as though he was waiting for Ludwig to come back. Then he looked at me again, "Really Kiku, you've gotta tell me what's going on..."

In that moment I should have told him everything.

I should have told him about how I was falling in love with Ludwig-san and how I was upset because I knew that he could never love me back.

I should have mentioned how I had left Ludwig-san's house that one night and how he had called me almost nonstop since then.

Somebody was finally willing to listen to me, and do you know what I did?

I pointed at the door and I asked him to leave.