I'm sitting on the floor, my head against the front door, wondering if perhaps this is how it would be from now on.

I feel bad for poor Feliciano-kun. He's so innocent and he doesn't know that Ludwig-san and I aren't seeing each other for these reasons.

But, although he's innocent, he is not stupid. He knows that something is wrong between us.

The fact that Ludwig-san always tells him that I am "Too busy to train" with them has helped Feliciano-kun to realize something is not right. As he said to me on the phone, "You can't /always/ be busy."

A new excuse will have to be made to fool him. However, I'm not sure that he will believe it as easily as he believed the last lie.

While I was talking to Feliciano-kun today, I should have asked him about he and Ludwig-san...

I should have asked him if they were in love.

I should have proven to myself that there's no way that Ludwig-san could ever love me.

And it would have hurt.

But it would have healed faster than thinking that there may have been hope for us.

I want to swear. But I've been doing that too often lately and I'm trying to break this newly found habit.

My neck is sore. I've been in this same position for more than 4 hours thinking. Simply thinking.

Not only of Ludwig-san, but of Feliciano-kun and Alfred-san... what would they do if I were to fulfill this wish of mine?

What would they do if tomorrow they called and I did not answer?

Would they worry?

Or would they simply forget about me?

I'm thinking that the second of these options is more likely.

Kiku... this is a stupid idea.

But it may be the best one you have ever had.

As long as I simply think of myself as a person rather than a country, this process will be much easier.

If Ludwig-san hates me, then soon so will all the others. They are more on his side than on mine.

I know where the pills are.

And I know how many to take to stop myself from ever waking up again.