Chapter 4:

"I'm referring to after that kiss and the time you went back to your room." I look at her as the fear rises in her eyes. Granted my tone is harsh and I more than likely look very upset. I remember parts of that night, but not all of it and I want Buffy to tell me. If I'm right the pillock that I am so mad at for abandoning Buffy is me.

I know that we kissed, I know that at one point she was in my room, but beyond that I have no idea how I woke up alone the next morning, and why she avoided me for nearly 2 months until she found out she was pregnant and now I think I have my answer. Seeing the fear, I have my answer, I don't need to hear it. I stand and leave her room and then I walk out the door downstairs. I don't care that its raining and that I don't have a coat on, I am upset right now and I have to think.

I walk down the road and towards the town. I can't believe this. How could I have been so foolish to take advantage of her like that. I know that in my right mind had I not been so drunk that never would have happened. I hate myself for letting it happen the way it did. Over 8 years of feelings and that is how is express them. I'm cursing myself when I hear footsteps coming up behind me, I know who they belong to and I don't know if I can look at her right now.

"Giles, wait please talk to me."

"Buffy, you don't understand, I can't."

"Why not? You promised that you would never leave me again, and look at you now, you're leaving me, you're leaving us."

"Is that what you think. You have no idea what is going on inside my head right now. I need to be left alone, respect that enough to go home and get out of the rain before you catch a cold which is not good for you in your current condition."

I turn and walk away from her, the words I just said hitting her like a ton of bricks. I use all of my will power not to take her in my arms and kiss her, but I need time to think. My head cannot wrap it self around the realization that I have just come too.

I keep walking until the rain has stopped and I realize that the sky is dark symbolizing that night has fallen. I know that is was only late afternoon when I left, a glance at my watch tells me that is almost 7 and Buffy is probally worried since I have been gone for so long. I turn and walk back towards the house, by the time I get there its nearly 9 and the house is dark and quiet as I open the door and walk inside.

The first thing I see is a pot of tea on the table. I feel it and know that its cold and has been sitting for a while. Next to it on the table is an envelope with my name written across it in Buffy's handwriting. I open it and as the words jump off the page at me I panic as I read them over and over again.

Dear Giles,

I was hoping that when you finally remembered that night in London, that you would ask me why I didn't say anything sooner and hug me and tell me that you were sorry for the wasted months that we could have had. Today your eyes and your words spoke differently.

I realized what you meant when you said I don't get it. I never did get anything when it came to you. For years I ignored you and walked all over and everyone saw it but me. When you came back into my life I was so greatful, not for the help you provided; but for the support you gave me. I always needed you Giles and I'm sorry that I never showed you just how much I needed you, until it was too late.

In case by now you haven't completely figured it out, which I'm sure that you have you are a smart man, smarter than I could ever hope to be. The baby is yours, it is from that night in London. That wonderful night gave me the most precious gift of all, one most slayers have never gotten, a family. I will cherish it always, just as I will cherish the love that you have given me over the years. I will remember that night always and the love that we shared.

I am leaving tonight. I'm going to London and from there I will either join Dawn or Willow in Italy where I shall remain. I don't wish to be a bother for you and interfere with your life. I'm sorry that I don't understand and that I didn't tell you. I will send you updates in regards to the baby, but please don't come after me. My heart can't stand the loss of losing you again.

I will love you forever,

Buffy

I grab the letter and my keys and drive to the station in town. She would have to take the train in order to get there without a vehicle, so I choose to start my search there. I know she asked me not to come after her, but I have too, I will not loose her again over my stupidity.

At the station I am told that the last train for London left earlier in the day and the next one would be going out in the morning. I could drive down and try to find her instead I opt to return home and call Willow. I've decided to take the first train out in the morning and follow her to Italy if I have to, but I'm not going to let her get away from me again. I love her too much to live without her.

I go home and pour the tea she made me down the sink, its too cold to drink anyway. I call Willow, only to find she is out with Kennedy somewhere. I can't even tell her that if Buffy shows up that she needs to keep her there until I can get to her. I climb the stairs and get my bag ready for the morning. I'm not sure how long I will be gone, but I know I won't be back by the end of the week. As I crawl into bed I find I can't sleep, the past few days sleeping with Buffy in my arms made it easier for me to sleep, now I can't sleep without her and I'm kicking myself for walking out on her the way I did. I hate myself for having hurt her.