A/N: Okay, guys. I'm not too happy with you today. Last night I wrote almost 7,000 words, and I got TWO reviews. TWO. I've been writing two, sometimes three chapters a day, and reviews are what keeps me going. It's the only way for me to know that you're enjoying the story, that you want me to keep going. I have over 80 followers, so logically I should get more than two reviews. Thanks go out to Kelly and Destined627 for writing reviews for chapter 34. I appreciate it.
I don't mean to sound like an asshole, but I know I probably do. It just made me a little frustrated. I love writing, I really do, but I'm not going to keep doing it if nobody's reading it. I really don't care if you just write me one word, like 'great' or 'awesome' or 'you suck'. It doesn't take that long, and it really helps me out. Thanks. Sorry for yelling. I got angry.
Either way, here's the next chapter. It's mostly talking again, as we get closer and closer to the Quell, which will involved more action and drama. Enjoy! And please, review.
Morning. Two Days Before Quell Reaping
I hear the soft exhales of Peeta's breath as I revel in the peaceful silence of the predawn. I just got back into bed after feeding the twins and putting them back down. I crawled back into Peeta and he automatically wrapped his arms around me, bringing me as close as possible. I love how he does that even in his sleep.
Even though everything right now is peaceful and serene, my mind is going a hundred miles an hour. I can't stop fleshing out a million different scenarios in my head. There are so many possible outcomes to so many different situations. We really have no idea what we'll be doing in a month – and the thought of that scares me. Why can't I just live a normal life with Peeta and our family? Why does this country have to be so screwed up that they need two seventeen year olds to help lead a rebellion?
"You're doing it again," I hear Peeta whisper.
"Doing what?" I ask.
"Thinking loudly," he points out with a smile. I smile back.
"Sorry."
He sighs.
"You and I really need to work on our unnecessary apologizing."
"Um – okay," I'd really wanted to say 'sorry', but that would have been –ironic – to say the least.
He chuckles.
"You were going to say 'sorry', weren't you?"
Damn he knows me too well. I just shyly nod.
"Well what are you thinking about Katniss?" He thankfully changes the subject, but I'm not sure if I want to get into another long conversation about my fears.
"Everything," I keep it vague.
"Oh, of course," he says sarcastically. "Everything. Well, in that case, I'd have to say that my favorite time of year is the winter. Why, you ask? Because when the District is blanketed in a beautiful quilt of untouched snow, it reminds me of a clean slate. Like anything is possible. It's like a blank canvas to me. It's so incredibly pure."
"What? Winter? What are you talking about?" I ask confused.
"Heck if I know," he shrugs. "You decided to keep your answer vague, so I just started talking about the first thing that popped into my head. You did say 'everything' and my answer is certainly covered by that."
"That's true," I admit quietly. "I'm thinking about the future again."
"You're scared?" He whispers.
"Petrified," I concede.
"Me too," he tells me somberly.
"Why?"
"Probably the same reason you are," he explains. "We have no idea what's in store for us. When we get on that train to the Capitol in two days, we have no idea when the next time we'll be in this bed will be. The next time our children see their home. The next time we can go out to the woods or take the kids to the lake. It's terrifying, Kat. It scares me to the core that we have lost so much control over the direction of our lives."
"That's exactly what I was thinking," I affirm. "I don't want to feel like we're not in control, Peeta. We need to be for us to take care of our family. We can't let anybody else dictate how we live our lives, but I'm scared that's exactly what's going to happen in 13."
"I feel like I've failed our family," he whispers sadly.
"What? Why, Peeta?"
"Because as their father, I feel like I should always be able to protect them, to help them decide the direction of their lives. But I've agreed to help this rebellion, and now we have no idea what's ahead. I'm so sorry, Katniss. I failed you and our twins."
"Oh, honey, you haven't failed us," I try to console him. He's getting emotional. I rest my left hand on his cheek. "Peeta, you and I talked about this before we agreed to help. We know this is the only way for our children to grow up in a free, peaceful country. Remember, we said we'd do anything to prevent them from getting Reaped? Right now, this is the only way. And we're going to get through it, together. So, if you fail, I fail."
He takes a few moments to digest what I've said. I can see him turning it over in his mind, coming to terms with it. One thing I've learned about my husband is that it's hard for him to share the blame, especially with me, if he's convinced himself he's at fault already.
"Peeta," I continue, "I know how hard it is for you to get rid of your guilt. I suffer from the same exact issue. What I'm saying is that you don't need to feel guilty in the first place. We're doing this for them, for our children. We knew we'd have to make some sacrifices. But in the end, it'll be worth it, right?"
He's silent for a few moments before he speaks.
"Yes, it will be worth it," he says quietly. "Thanks, Katniss."
"Anytime," I smile.
"What do you want to do today?" He asks, obviously in a better mood.
"Hmmm," I ponder. "I don't know. Take the twins outside, around town? We only have two days left here."
"Yeah, that sounds great," he smiles. "I'll go get breakfast going, do you want to get the twins up and ready?"
"Sounds good. We'll meet you downstairs."
Before we get out of bed, I lean up to kiss him sweetly.
We eat a simple but delicious breakfast of cheese buns and scrambled eggs. The twins are in a great mood this morning, laughing and grinning at us for doing just about anything. Peeta's making funny faces at them, and I'm scolding him for spitting his food out of his mouth. Of course, he puts his face right next to our babies to try and make me feel bad.
"Aww, mommy, please don't get mad!" He whines with a fake pout. "We're sawwwy, mommy!"
I try to keep up my scowl but I just can't do it, and burst out into laughter. We're all laughing hysterically, and I know it's going to be a great day.
We put the twins in their stroller and I lace my boots up. I have on jeans and a black tee, while Peeta has on jeans and a white tee. Peeta grabs the diaper bag and slings it over the back of the stroller.
"Where too, Mrs. Mellark?" He asks as we turn onto the street.
I shrug.
"Wherever we end up?" I ask like a question.
"I'm good with that," he smiles.
So, we just start walking. We talk, point things out to the twins, and laugh throughout. We stop often and pull the twins out of their strollers, just wanting to hold them and show them something or be close to them. We've both gotten so used to their weights on our chests, hearing their tiny little heartbeats.
Somehow we end up at the Hob, and we make a mutual silent decision to go inside. As soon as we do, I'm regretting that decision.
When we walk in, everybody stops what they're doing and their conversations and turns to look at us. Half of them have confused faces, the other half have questioning faces. I'm not sure what either of them means.
"Um, good morning?" I throw out.
Silence.
"Honey, what is going on?" Peeta mutters under his breath so only I can hear.
"I have no idea," I mutter back.
"Let's get out of hear," he suggests. I agree.
As we turn to leave, Greasy Sae comes up to us.
"Where are you going, Katniss?" She asks.
"Um, we were just going to continue our walk," I tell her with a plastered smile.
"But you just got here!" She exclaims.
"Sae, didn't you see how everyone looked at us? It's okay, we'll just go," I explain.
"That's just because of how famous you two are. It's not that they don't like you or anything. Plus you brought the babies. All of Panem has been wondering about these two beautiful twins," she looks down longingly at our children.
"Really?" I ask incredulously.
"Yeah, I think they were just stunned to see you here. Usually it's just you with some game, and when you got later in your pregnancy you stopped coming. So we haven't seen you in a while. I think everyone would like it if you stayed for a bit and walked around."
"Um, okay," I smile. I feel Peeta squeeze my hand, letting me know he's okay with it too.
We follow Sae as she makes her way around the Hob. It seems like she was right, because when we actually start talking to the people, they're all mostly thrilled to see us. Some are obviously in awe and nervous to be around us, and although it's understandable, I wish it wasn't so. Before the Games I was just another Seam girl who would trade her Game here. Now, when I come, it's like a celebrity visit. I'm actually surprised nobody's asked for our autographs yet.
Obviously, the twins make the biggest splash. The women especially are delighted to meet them, and tell us how beautiful they are (as if we didn't know, right?). We must have said both their names a hundred times after people asked. After about a half hour of making our rounds, we decide to head out.
When we finally make it to the door, we hear a huge chorused "goodbye!" from behind us. Well, that was…..interesting.
We walk into the town square, and it's bustling with activity in the mid-morning sun. Peeta leads us over to a bench near one of the walls and we sit down, each taking one our children in our arms. I have Josh and he has Eve. We just quietly sit, holding hands, watching the people of 12 go about their business. It's relaxing.
Every once in a while, some one stops in front of us and comments on the kids, or wishes us luck at the Quell. Nobody really talks about the rule changes. Peeta and I avoid it too – it's far too emotionally distressing, and we know we'll be dealing with all day and all night come two days' time.
"Peeta! Katniss!" I hear Delly's upbeat voice as she and Madge make their way to us. "Hey guys."
"Hey, Delly," Peeta smiles. "Hi Madge."
"Hey Mellark family," Madge grins. "Family outing?"
"Something like that," I smile down at Josh. "We just want them to spend as much time here as possible before we leave for the Capitol."
"That's so sweet," Delly swoons. I can tell she wants kids someday. It's obvious in the way she looks at our kids and at me being a mother. However, even though Delly has become a good friend of mine, she always has something in her gaze when she looks at Peeta. I've tried to decipher it, but I can't. I haven't brought it up to Peeta – yet.
"Well, we were on our way to the store, so we'll see you four later!" Madge says as they go on their way. We say goodbye and settle back down.
"Why were you staring at Delly?" Peeta suddenly asks. Uh oh. He noticed.
"What do you mean?" I try to deflect by looking at Josh.
He just laughs.
"How many times do I have to tell you you're a horrible liar before you believe it? And didn't you just yesterday tell me you'd never lie to me?" He doesn't say it angrily, it's light and teasing. I know he's not mad. I know he knows I meant lying about emotions and feelings, not white lies we joke around with.
"Fine," I huff and blow my bangs out. He chuckles and shakes his head.
"So, tell me, what's going on in that pretty little head of yours?"
"Why does Delly look at you like that?" I blurt out.
"Like what?" He asks genuinely.
"You can be so blind, honey," I tell him honestly.
"Isn't that a good thing if I don't see other women?"
He has a point there.
"Yes, I suppose it is, but you should at least be able to tell when they're looking at you like that," I explain.
"Like what?" He repeats.
"Like Sarah and Scarlet look at you!" I almost yell, then cover my mouth with my hand.
"Wait, what are you saying?" He asks.
"I've noticed it for months, Peeta," I admit. "She always gives you this look, almost like wistfulness. Sometimes I catch her just outright staring at you."
He sighs and rubs my hand with his thumb.
"Delly had a crush on me for years," he quietly tells me.
"What!?" I react. "Sorry, what?" I say more restrained.
"She used to come by the bakery every day and talk to me, and when we got older, it was obvious she was flirting. My brothers gave me hell for it. She tried to come see me in the Justice Building after the Reaping but they wouldn't let her in or something."
"Wait, really? Every day?" I feel my jealousy flaring up.
"Yeah," he nods. "Wait, Katniss, are you – you don't – oh, honey."
"What?" I ask defensively.
"Nothing ever happened with me and Delly," he says simply. "I can't believe I actually have to say that, but it's the truth."
"What do you mean you can't believe you have to say that? You asked me about Gale, didn't you?" I throw back.
He sighs again.
"Yes, I did, but that was before we were dating, before we were married, and before we had kids!" He retorts, obviously frustrated.
I take a moment so I don't blurt out or yell something I'd regret.
"Did you ever like her?" I ask quietly. He looks at me like I'm batshit crazy.
"No, Katniss. I was in love with you," he reminds me.
"Peeta, you seriously never felt anything for her? She was there every day, and I wasn't. Somehow that's just not believable."
"Well believe it," he says forcefully. I can tell he's getting tired of me questioning him. "She was obvious, she was kind of rude, and could never take a hint. I never led her on, never gave her any indication I even remotely felt the same way. I must've told her a thousand times I only wanted to be friends."
"Is that the whole story?" I whisper.
I hear him inhale and exhale a deep breath.
"No," he says, barely audible.
My heart clenches and starts racing. I feel my grip on his hand loosen and I unknowingly try to slip it out of his, but he keeps a firm hold on it. I silently thank him.
"After you lied to me, she came to see me," he admits.
"And?" I prompt.
"Kat, I don't know about this," he says, genuinely distressed.
"Peeta, it's okay," I assure him. "I broke your heart. I know you were hurting. I'm not going to get mad, I just want to know."
That's not completely truthful. If he admits that something happened, I have no idea how I'll react. I know that's completely unfair, considering at that time he believed I'd never had any feelings for him, but it still hurts me deeply. Of course, he knows all that without asking.
"She spent a few hours just talking with me," he begins. "I told her about the Games, and about you and me, and about how you told me none of it was real. I told her how you shattered my heart." I feel all that shame, guilt and remorse bubble right back to the surface, and I can feel the tears coming. "She, of course, told me exactly what I wanted to hear at the time."
"What was that?" I ask, my voice wavering.
"Kat, honey, don't cry," he pleads. "Please don't cry."
I realize we're in public, but I don't care. Hearing about another woman, even if she is my friend, comforting my husband is tearing me up. That's supposed to be my job, and wasn't there for him.
He slips his hand from mine and wipes my tears gently with his thumb, leans in and gives me a gentle peck on the lips, then grabs my hand again. I grip his hand tightly.
"She told me you used me to get home. That none of it was real. That you kissed me for the sponsors. That you never intended to commit suicide, you were going to wait until I swallowed the berries then spit yours out to win. She told me I had to get over you, move past you, that you weren't worth all the pain and suffering I was putting myself through."
I find myself looking at my shoes. Hearing about what he believed, what I made him believe, is simply making me feel like the worst person in the world.
"I'm a terrible wife," I mutter.
"Don't say that," he whispers. "Never say that."
"Why not? It's the truth! I did that to you, Peeta. I made you believe that. Why? Selfishness. I made you hurt so badly. I broke your heart, shattered it, and I couldn't even muster up the courage to talk to you for two weeks! Why did you ever take me back?" I sob.
"Oh, baby," he sighs. "It's not like that at all."
"How is it not like that, Peeta?" I snap.
"Do you really think that I wouldn't take you back? That even after you lied to me, broke my heart and stomped on it, made me think it wasn't real, made me think you'd used me, that I wouldn't be able to see past that? To understand why you did it? To understand that it really wasn't about me, but it was about you?"
"You really understood all that?" I ask meekly.
"Of course, Katniss. That night when you came over, you were so emotional, so wrapped up in your own head, that I knew something was fundamentally wrong. When you explained why you had done what you did, it all made sense."
"What do you mean?" I ask him to explain.
"You think so lowly of yourself, Kat." I'm about to protest when he cuts me off. "Don't. You've changed, a lot, but back then, you always thought of yourself as beneath everyone. You didn't think you were good enough for me, so you didn't give us a chance to begin with. You didn't think that I would want to be with you. Even now, you can't see that you are such a great mother, such a great wife, such a great friend. I don't know why you have such low self-esteem, honey. You are so amazing. You're perfect to me."
"I always thought nobody would want to be with me," I mumble.
He just laughs. Loudly. I can't help but join in. The twins smile up at us from their spots wrapped up in our embraces.
"That's absurd, Katniss," he chuckles. "Didn't I literally get beaten to a pulp because another guy wanted you that bad?"
I nod sadly, remembering spending days at his bedside nursing him back to health.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you," he says quietly. "I just want you to understand that you are beautiful, you are desirable. You are even more beautiful on the inside than the outside."
I scoff disbelievingly.
"It's true," he continues. "You are so incredibly complicated, but also frustratingly simple. Like take our sex life for example – sometimes you are so shy you can barely say the words, other times you simply shove me up against a wall and literally tear my clothes off."
I blush deeply and he kisses my cheek lovingly.
"But I love that about you, Katniss. I love that you're so hard to predict. It makes every day with you an adventure, something new for us to experience. So, please, I want you to try to start seeing yourself like I see you."
"I don't know," I mutter.
"Please, Kat, for me," he begs.
"I'll try," I whisper. He beams at me and gives me a kiss on the lips. I want to deepen it but he pulls away, and I whimper.
"Thanks. That means a lot to me," he tells me sincerely.
"I still don't like how Delly looks at you," I point at him.
"Honey, it's nothing," he tries to appease.
"So what happened after this talk you had with her?" I ask. He did never finish his story. As usual, we got sidetracked and went off on some crazy tangent. It's why our talks sometimes take hours. Last week, we spent all night talking because I'd asked him what he thought was my most beautiful feature.
He takes a deep breath and sighs, looking away from me momentarily.
"She tried to kiss me," he admits quietly.
"She did what!" Now I'm pissed. Really pissed.
"We were on the couch, and I was purposely staying away from her, but as we talked she kept inching closer and closer. Then she leaned in to kiss me."
"And?" I demand.
Silence. He won't look at me.
"Peeta, did you kiss Delly?" I ask, frantic.
"No," he whispers. I feel relieved.
"Then what's wrong?" I want to know.
"At the time, I kind of wanted to," he admits sadly.
I don't know how to react. I shouldn't be mad. We weren't together and in his mind, I wanted nothing to do with him. But, the thought of Peeta wanting another girls lips on his makes me furious.
"I'm sorry, Katniss," he looks down at his feet. He sounds so terribly sad.
"It's okay, Peeta," is my automatic reply. I'm not sure if it is, but when I see him hurting, I have to help.
"No, it's not. I betrayed you."
"No you didn't. I betrayed you, Peeta, and you had every right to want other girls. I told you to move on, didn't I?"
"Yeah, but Katniss, I was in love with you. I shouldn't have even thought about it," he tries.
I shake my head.
"It's completely understandable, Peeta. I'm not mad at you at all. I'm mad at her for trying to take advantage of you while you were so vulnerable."
He nods, but I can tell he's not convinced.
"Why didn't you kiss her?" I ask.
"I thought about you," he admits.
"What do you mean?"
"When I wanted to kiss her, I thought about us kissing. About the warmth of your lips. About what it made me feel. How all I wanted was for you to keep kissing me. I didn't care if I died, as long as I got to taste your lips once more."
"So don't you see, you didn't betray me. Actually, the opposite. Your love for me conquered what your impulses were telling you."
"I guess you're right," he mumbles. I know he has to internalize it, so I drop it for the time being.
"How did she react?" I ask, moving on.
"Trouble in paradise?" I hear a voice in front of us.
Peeta and I both snap our heads up and see Scarlet standing two feet in front of us, arms crossed, smirking.
"Go away," Peeta says. "We're having a conversation."
"Sounds more like a spat," she says, glaring at me.
"Go away," I repeat. "We're with our kids, Scarlet."
"Did she cheat on you, Peeta?" Scarlet asks sweetly.
I've had enough, so I take action. I bring my right foot back as far as I can sitting on the bench, and swing it forward hard. It connects with her shin and I can hear the bone breaking. She instantly screeches in pain, and Peeta and I cover the twins' ears.
Everyone around us is now staring, silent. I scowl at all of them, but the don't move.
"Accident," I say loudly. "Show's over."
They shrug and keep moving.
"You'll pay for this Catpiss," she snarls.
I roll my eyes.
"Heard it all before. Bye, Scarlet."
She limps away muttering profanities, swearing her revenge. Peeta and I chuckle.
"Where were we?" Peeta asks.
"Delly's reaction," I remind.
"Ah, of course. At first she thought I didn't understand, so she said she wanted to kiss me. I told her I couldn't. She got confused and thought that meant I didn't think she was pretty. I told her that had nothing to do with it, that I just couldn't. She demanded an explanation."
"What did you say?"
"The truth."
"Which is?" I prompt.
"That I'm in love with you, of course."
"I love you too, Peeta," I smile. "How'd she react to that?"
"Not good," he smiles. "She threw a tantrum. She yelled that you had broken my heart, that you were probably with Gale, that I was being an idiot for holding out hope for something that was never going to happen. She called me an imbecile, a lovesick fool, all kinds of names."
"What did you say back to her?"
"Nothing at first. I let her rant. She calmed down eventually and actually started sobbing."
My body tenses momentarily. When I cry, Peeta takes me in his arms, strokes my hair, and whispers in my ear. Even the thought of him doing that with Delly…
"No, I didn't comfort her like you," he tells me, as if he was reading my mind. "I gave her some tissues, that's all. I knew she was trying to get sympathy, that she wasn't really crying because of any real reason."
"What happened then?"
"I told her that I was in love with you. That I'd always be in love with you, even if you married Gale. She told me that was ridiculous, and demanded I start dating her. I didn't mean to, but I laughed in her face."
"Peeta!" I scold.
"I didn't mean to!" He defends. "I apologized immediately."
"Good," I say.
"Well she wouldn't take a hint. She kept trying to tell me that she and I were perfect, that you'd never come back to me, that I could be happier with her than I would with you. The last straw for me was when she told me our parents would approve because she was from town, and you were from the Seam."
"She actually said that?" I'll be having a talk with my 'friend' Delly Cartwright. Very soon.
"Yeah," he nods.
"And you…" I goad.
"I threw her out. Well, not technically threw her, but I grabbed her arm, led her to the door, and told her if she ever spoke about you like that again our friendship was over."
"Oh, Peeta."
"I thanked for trying to cheer me up, then slammed the door in her face before she could say another word."
"But you guys are friends now. I mean, I'm friends with her!"
"Once I started dating you, she eventually got it. It took her a few months, but she came to the bakery and apologized. She said she'd finally realized that you and I belong together, and she would never try to get between us. Then she asked if we could still be friends, and I said as long as she tried to be friends with you."
"You are the most forgiving man I know," I say honestly.
"Everyone deserves a second chance," he tells me. I nod.
"So is that the end of the story?" I ask, exasperated.
"No," he whispers.
"What now!"
"An hour after she left, someone knocked on my door."
"Who was it this time? Sarah? Wait, she hadn't moved here yet. Don't tell me it was Scarlet, Peeta. Was it Madge? Who was it? Tell me!" I'm getting frantic, thinking the worst.
He takes a deep breath, waiting for me to calm down. Once I do, his answer is so soft, so quiet, that I almost don't hear it.
"It was you."
Suddenly, I'm kissing him. Passionately. Both of us are careful because of the babies, but that doesn't stop us.
"Really?" I whisper.
"Yeah, it was the same night," he tells me. "When I swung that door open, Kat, so many different emotions came through me."
"I know. I remember. First your eyes lit up, then you remembered everything and got really sad and hurt."
"But then we talked, and you proved to me that I was right about you all along," he says proudly.
"How so?"
"You showed how brave you were. That you were willing to come to me, admit you made a mistake, and ask for forgiveness. I know how hard that was for you to do, Kat. You hate asking for help. You've gotten better with me, but Prim, your mom and me are really the only ones. I could see in your eyes that you expected me to kick you out, but I knew I had to hear you out, for both of us."
"I'm glad you didn't kick me out," I say with a smile.
"Oh, me too," he grins.
"What do you think would've happened if you had?"
He laughs.
"I would've ran after you right away, and begged for your forgiveness."
"We do make quite a pair, don't we, Mr. Mellark?"
"That we do, Mrs. Mellark."
"I love you, Peeta. Forever."
"I love you too, Katniss. Always."
"Want to stop by the bakery?" I ask.
"Sure. I think we've been in this square long enough." We both chuckle.
We put the twins, who are now fast asleep, back in the stroller. We walk out of the square hand in hand, and I feel much lighter than before.
As we walk, I find myself turning my head to look at Peeta. He turns his at the same time and our eyes meet. We both smile wide. We don't need words, they would ruin the moment. Besides, we both know.
This is where we were always destined to be.
