Author's Note: I'm sorry it's been so long. Despite that, I finally updated! Thank you wonderful reviewers! You know who you are.

Disclaimer: I do not own Gaara or the characters or story of Naruto. If I did, I'd include more of my favorite character- Gaara. Despite this, I do own this story and Nozomi, my OC.

Hope you all enjoy!


Chapter 15

"Selfish"

I couldn't have prevented this even if I had known about it long before. All I knew were fear and anger, anxiety and love. All mixed and thrown together. I was more mature now and now was when I would have to face another hair-ripping challenge. I was afraid, I wanted to cry through it all. I can barely believe I made it out alive.

I didn't want to see Gaara die. I didn't want to see Itachi kill him with his bare hands. I didn't want to separate from the boy that I had fallen in love with. We've been separated for so long and I had been training so hard to keep my demon under control, I thought I wasn't a monster anymore.

Yet I proved myself wrong again.

I'm still a horrendous creature; some sort of miserable wretch that shouldn't exist. Something that shouldn't exist in this world, because it's not natural. I don't fit in here; I'm one of the damned souls. Yet I, the abomination, still live and I'm still with the one I love. But I hope it'll last. My selfishness has caused a lot of harm and I still haven't learned my lesson because I'm still repeating my mistakes.

Our faces had parted and the Hachimata continued to speak:

"You insolent fool! Are you going to listen? Itachi is coming."

I was staring into Gaara's mesmerizing eyes, completely overwhelmed by anxiety and love. I lifted my hand and held the side of my face, my hand was shaking. Gaara, thinking I was only nervous placed his hand over mine to calm it. If only he knew. The stable balance between the Hachimata and my feelings was slipping. I could feel its rage and my selfishness. The emotions swirling and twirling together, dancing, confusing themselves with each other. I pulled Gaara towards me suddenly and I pushed myself onto him, I kissed him more forcefully than I meant to and I could sense his surprise. He was surprised but willing and I took advantage of that.

What I wanted was to enjoy my last moments with him, before Itachi arrived. But now was the time to break everything. I was going to set flames to everything and watch it burn. The kiss was passionate, my mouth moving quickly against his. But then I broke off, ashamed and pleased.

"Gaara, I have to tell you something. I've been delaying it for a long time because I'm scared."

He waited for me to continue.

"Remember I told you that someone nursed me back to health? They…he never wanted me to come here, I had to run away from him and I think he," I looked away from him, "wants to kill you."

I'm so afraid, I'm so pathetic. All I can do is whine and cry but I'm never of any importance. I can't help and I can't scream, and I can't even fight. Now, I'm hugging my knees sitting on the couch in Gaara's home. Kankuro, Temari and Gaara have all gone out to make preparations while I sit here helpless. Gaara had gotten all serious when I told him that who was coming was Itachi. He grew tense and we ran off to tell Temari and Kankuro. I heard the word 'Akatsuki' but I didn't know what that was. I'm still wondering now.

All I could guess was that the "Akatsuki" had some form of tie with Itachi. Either he was the Akatsuki or he was part of it. I don't know, I just didn't know.

It was well into night when I heard the door open and Kankuro sighed as he entered the doorway. I appeared next to him and he was taken back by my speed. I remembered they haven't seen how much I've improved, the disaster I could cause now…

"What happened?" I asked.

Kankuro shrugged me off and went to rest on the couch. Did he hate me now? It surprised me when my heart pounded with pain. I guess I wasn't prepared for the cold response from him. I stayed at the doorway, watching him as he avoided my gaze. I bit my lip, not knowing what to do. He probably wanted me away so that he could fume at me alone. I quickly ran up the stairs, not even worrying about my speed. I opened the window and crawled out without a sound. The roof would be no safe haven, I wished to be alone.

The forest would have to do.

Memories of this forest, thick and dangerous, uninviting filled my mind. So many events took place here, so many horrid things and even wonderful things. Even as I tried to distract my mind I couldn't ignore the guilt. I had brought something magnificently wretched to the village; hence, the village has a new reason to despise me. Gaara has a new reason not to love me.

Why do these things keep happening to me?

"If I wasn't inside you, none of this would exist."

You're right.

"If I wasn't here, your sister wouldn't be dead."

You killed her.

"No, you did with your own hands. Although you wouldn't have had to kill her if I wasn't here. I guess I'm the source of all your misery, which is unparalleled to the rest of you humans."

That's not true. Everyone goes through difficulties, I'm sure-

"Have you even heard of anyone with as pathetic a life as you?"

My life isn't pathetic, you shut up. Everyone goes through damn difficulties. I'm not stupid enough to let you manipulate my anger.

"So you noticed?"

I learned from the best.

"Funny, child."

No, it's true. You think I didn't know that half of the times you speak to me is to manipulate me?

"I'm not completely your enemy. With me, you gain strength, power-"

And I become a monster.

"Nonsense child, I am the monster."

"No, I've become one too."

A deep, husky voice asked, "One what?"

Startled, I turned, grabbed a kunai during my spin and held against his throat. Realizing what I did, I dropped the kunai suddenly and brought my trembling hand to my side.

"Sorry," I croaked.

"No, I'm sorry for sneaking up on you."

The boy was about my age, I guessed. His frame was lean with shaggy black hair. From the way he was able to creep up on me and the strength of his chakra, I knew at once he was a jounin.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Looking for you," he smiled.

"Wha-"

"The Kazekage requested it."

"Oh."

Gaara was probably worried, no I know he's worried. Yet again I act selfish and run off. Right after I tell him about Itachi. I know I shouldn't delay, I should run as fast as I can right into his arms. But I'm afraid. I'm scared he'll hate me. Maybe when I see him, he'll smile brightly, welcomingly, but deep inside his heart will be a buried anger against me. From a year ago.

I don't believe all that hatred has extinguished.

My being here and bringing Itachi here has probably rekindled that hatred.

But I don't want him to hate me.

Because I love him.

"Okay," I told the boy, "I'll go."

I'm not sure if it was part of his orders, but he followed me to the house. He was next to me when I was knocking on the door. It felt strange because I lived here but also necessary after what I've done. Gaara opened the door, his eyes wide. I stood there, unsure of what to say but Gaara swept me into an embrace, a strangely nervous one.

Against my will, my whole being filled with caring and hope. Hope that he doesn't hate me for everything I've done to him. I don't think I could take it if he hated me.

"You worried me," he breathed in my ear.

I held him, wishing I could apologize but the words were caught in my throat.

He released me and turned towards the boy, "Thank you Kai."

The boy nodded and left, vanishing right in front of me.

"Sit," Gaara commanded. He waved his hand towards the couch in an elegant swipe. I'd never get over how he's changed. The way he moves, his eyes, his walk, everything. As if he was never my Gaara but at the same time, always was. I walked over to the coach and sat next to Kankuro. His gaze was strange, he measured me with his eyes and looked away towards his brother, the Kazekage.

Gaara addressed us all as if he was giving a speech to the council.

"We have prepared the city for an attack. If Akatsuki does come," he glanced at me, "we will be prepared."

I swallowed hard, feeling a guilty lump in the pit of my stomach.

He continued, "Preparations for defense will be done by tomorrow evening while the offensive preparations will be done by tomorrow morning. Kankuro, Temari, I expect you two will help lead so I will need you two tomorrow early morning at my office."

"And me?" I questioned.

"You-"

"He's gotten soft. Look at his pathetic eyes, weakness, weakness, weakness!!!"

"I?"

But his eyes were gentle, searching miserably for something in mine.

"Itachi will be a worthy opponent for him. Itachi doesn't have this kind of emotion. That will play to his advantage, I hope you know that fool."

I couldn't help but grit my teeth.

Do you want Itachi to win?

"I don't care for either of their lives, it's you to make the choice."

Make what choice? I love Gaara, there's nothing else to choose.

"Don't lie to me. You can't. I know you do not hate Itachi. How could you with your feeble heart? You are grateful to him for restoring your health when your precious Gaara-"

Stop!

I clenched my hands so hard, they hurt. Although that couldn't compare to the throbbing in my chest.

"Are you alright Nozomi?" Temari asked, worry bright in her eyes.

"Tell her. Tell them. Tell how large your debt to him is. Scream out how much you care!"

"I.am.fine."

I stood up and turned my body towards the stairs to leave.

"Admit it. Admit your feelings, your fears. Don't lie you fool! It'll only hurt you later on."

I could picture the evil demon smiling.

I turned to Gaara, "I do NOT care for Itachi!" I screamed and ran up the stairs to lay in my bed.

I wish the Hachimata couldn't speak to me. It hurts. I hate it. The desperate, wretched thing. How I abhor the thing! If I could, I'd kill it myself.

I heard the door open and Gaara walked in.

"You'll be staying with the women and children in the shelters."

He turned and walked away.

"Wait."

"Yes?"

I knew he knew. He knew how the demons could speak to you, torture you, anger you. He never had to ask. He just knew.

"I want to help. I want to fight."

His face was incredulous when I looked up at him.

"No."

I stood and walked over to him.

"I started this, so I should help. I will help. It' my responsibility."

"It is not. You will stay in the shelter."

"Gaara! Don't you see?"

"See what?"

How it kills me. It kills me to see you suffer, to see you try so hard for a mistake I made. This is my entire fault and so I will help. I'll risk my life so that maybe some of the buried hate you have may disappear.

I couldn't bear to stay in a safe place with hundreds of innocents while you and others fight because of me. If something were to happen to you…

It hurt to breathe just thinking about it.

My eyes were brimming with tears and I felt them run down, hot on my skin.

"Why are you crying?" He asked, a bit frightened.

"I have to fight. This is my fault."

Gaara closed the space between us in a few, simple strides. He placed his hand on the side of my neck and his lips met mine. The feeling was something similar to internal combustion. I could feel the energy scorching my insides and my ears buzzing. The kiss was quick and he pulled away. I could feel the heat on my face and he smiled a little.

"Gaara, I want to fight because I want to help you. Please."

His eyes became intense and angry.

"No. How could I infringe your safety?"

"This was my fault."

"No, it is mine. Akatsuki was bound to come eventually."

I was confused.

"What is this Akatsuki? I don't understand."

"Akatsuki," he informed me, "is an organization of S ranked criminals. They are dangerous and powerful. I can't bear to see you hurt."

"That's the reason I'm fighting," I smiled, unselfishly.