Sorry it took me a while to update and I'm also sorry that this is a short chapter but I'll try to write a longer one next time! I hope you all enjoy this chapter! Please Read and Review!


Chapter 17

"Screaming"

My throat burned, stung, raw. I tried to croak out something; a screeching, weak sound was the only thing that escaped my mouth. My heart hammered in my chest, each beat felt like poison; my heart felt hollow, empty, almost like a black hole, pulling everything into its center. A black, lonely thing. Fear of death and loss coursed through my body, making me shake uncontrollably. My eyes were wide with fright, my head spinning from anxiety. I tried to stand but I tumbled to the ground, breaking my fall with my arm. It burned but the fear in my mind was much more overwhelming and so I pushed the physical pain aside. It was nothing compared to what I knew. I wanted to scream for help, to really scream. I tried to, for his life, but all that came out was a sharp breath. I dressed quickly, not really paying attention and opened my balcony door. Unsteadily, I clawed my way to the roof and almost fell off of it. I raced to the center of the roof where he was sitting calmly. There was a new moon out, a dark, dangerous, horrid night. A sick feeling washed over me as I smelled him in the cold air. I ran over to Gaara, who was surprised, and held onto his arm. I rested my forehead against his shoulder and violently clawed into his shirt.

"Nozomi! What's wrong?" His voice was urgent; I probably looked like a lunatic, something that belonged in a ward.

But all I could do was sit there, shaking against his body. My eyes were closed, shut tightly and my face creased with worry. I was so scared, I couldn't breathe properly, my head was spinning, I felt like vomiting.

Strangely, I was brought to a memory of my childhood, when my parents weren't dead and my sister wasn't cold and six feet under. I was standing outside an operation room with my sister. We were sitting on the red bench provided. I looked at the lit icon above the crimson red double doors and frowned. My mother was going through surgery. She had some sort of infection, the deadly kind. I didn't really know exactly what they were doing to her but I had overheard the doctor explaining "opening her stomach" and "getting rid of the infected parts". I looked to my side to see my sister slowly standing, eyes red from crying, saying she was going to the bathroom. I nodded and returned my attention to the doors. I'm not sure why I did but I stood and walked over to those crimson doors. I wasn't really that curious but my body mechanically reached up to the handle and pulled it open an inch. Four figures were all huddled, leaning over my mother's body.

I nearly screamed then. Even I don't understand how I managed not to; my mother's stomach, her skin was deathly pale, as if she had never stepped into the sunlight. But her stomach, oh god her skin. The skin was cut below her navel, in a perfect semicircle. The skin was pulled back, the blood everywhere, I could see her insides. One man held a knife in his hand was poking around inside of her. The mask on his face was bloody, and so were his hands and his clothing. My knees grew weak from the gore and the sheer horror of the scene. The air seemed stifled then and the smell of salt and rust reached my nose making my ears ring. My stomach churned uneasily. But her face was serene, calm, how could she be so calm? Every cell in my body screamed to turn around and run, my heart threatened to stop, my mind was whizzing with the weight of fear and disgust. And then my vision started to blur, the darkness creeping over my eyes and I saw the floor rushing up at me.

I saw teal maelstroms. I was shaking and trembling with fear. Before I could even think of answering him, images of Itachi meeting with Gaara filled my mind. Itachi was strong, the strongest human I've ever encountered. How could I hold the guilt inside when it was my fault Gaara was going to face him? Fight him? In the deepest crevice of my mind, I knew Gaara would never come out unscathed and in an even worse situation-

"Tell me what's wrong, Nozomi!"

I bit my lip and sputtered out, "He's here, I can smell him."

I gazed at him with all of my guilt and sorrow in my eyes. I was sorry, sorrier than I will ever be. Instantly, his eyes grew wide and he glanced over at the closest partition in the huge wall surrounding Suna. The wind blew, angry at me, and I smelled the scent of Gaara. It was so unique, so strange, so familiar. It wasn't just a scent because it had more than a smell, it also had a feeling. I could feel his emotions, his personality, him. Right now, I could smell the sand on him, the soap on his hair, the anxiety in his chest, and the subtle blood on his skin. I never wanted this to happen, I never wanted him to be hurt, to place everyone in danger. If I would never be able to smell him, see him, feel him, hear his voice, taste him, I don't know what I would do.

I killed my sister and now I'll kill Gaara.

It's truly all my fault.

And I'll never be able to forgive myself.

The red head turned his face towards me again, trying to mask his emotions. I was still clawing his shirt, desperately trying to be as close as I could to him. His face was composed, withdrawn. I wanted to at least share his pain, his responsibility, his uncertainty, whatever I could so that I would feel more connected to him, in any way. But he was shielding himself from me, and it cut me deeply. More deeply than it should.

I regretted everything I've ever done, every selfish feeling, step, breath, kiss, everything. If it wasn't for me, this would have never happened. If I stayed with Itachi-

"You would have never known."

I was crying now, wailing with sorrow, heart pounding, vision blurring tears. I wanted to stay with him, never let him go, glue myself to him forever.

What would I never have known?

I would have assured Gaara's safety, Temari and Kankuro's too. Why couldn't I have stayed there? Because I'm a fool, an idiot, selfish and crude.

"You would have never known if he hated you."

But he didn't, did he? If he ever did, he does now. I've given him enough reason to loathe me and every fiber of my weak being. I spent all those hours and days training but I'm still a weak-hearted human. After everything, I'm still not strong enough. Would I ever be strong enough to protect him?

I should have left! After I saw him and reassured myself he didn't hate me, I should have left! If I went back to Itachi, he would have never came.

"He wouldn't have let you leave."

What are you babbling about?! Shut it. Shut up, you mongrel! I should have left. I could have. I have legs and so I would have walked back, ran back to Itachi.

"Gaara will not let you go, he cares for you too deeply."

Don't speak to me! It's also your fault, you hideous, detestable thing! I wish you never bonded with me, I don't want your power, you've made me-

"I can help you. With my strength, you can aid Gaara."

Manipulating me again? It won't work anymore, I'll never let you gain control of my body, if you want to hurt Gaara, it won't work. I'd rather kill myself.

"Stop crying you imbecile. Your body's worthless to me."

And I did stop. Surprisingly, the Hachimata's reply woke me. It felt like I've been sleeping in a river and only now I've broken the surface for a gasp of air, awake with raw cold. The Hachimata has an insurmountable amount of chakra at its disposal, an amount I could potentially tap into. He was right.

I released Gaara from my grasp and looked into his eyes; it didn't surprise me when I saw they were cold. I lowered my gaze, close my eyes softly and embraced his chest, inhaling his scent.


The moonlight had a strange effect on his hair. In the moonlight, it had a certain shine, a luster I could never hope to have. His hair was shaggy, a little messy, a little long, a lot black. His body was lean, but I was not completely sure of his height because he slouched.

"What are you looking at?" He asked.

I looked down at his brown eyes and turned away. I couldn't see Gaara from here, but if I concentrated chakra into the irises, I'll be able to make him out. I was standing on one of the tallest buildings in Suna, in the bright midnight. Kai was on edge, anticipating the battle that lay ahead. Naruto was edgy as well, preoccupied with Itachi's coming.

I just wanted it all to end.

"You don't seem too anxious," observed Kai.

"Really?" I didn't even bother to look at him.

I was anxious, how could I not be? It didn't matter, how could Kai possibly know how much it bothered me? How much it really burned in my insides, rotting and turning the edges to ash? Cold, dead, black ash.

I've been smelling him for an hour, one long hour. He smelled calm, almost like new plastic. I hated that smell.

"But you don't hate him."

But I love Gaara more.

I concentrated on my irises, enhancing their ability to see a farther distance. I could make out Gaara, his back facing me, approximately two hundred feet away, he was facing the entrance of Suna, also on a high building.

Maybe Itachi wouldn't come, maybe I was wrong, what if it was someone, something else? I might have made a mistake, I'm only human. The other team was exactly one hundred and twenty feet away to my left and closer to Gaara. We were his backup, strong young shinobi. My nerves were sky-rocketing right now, my pulse sprinting, anticipating the fight.

"He's here." The Hachimata whispered. I closed my eyes, suffocating them with as much chakra as I could. I searched straight where the entrance was, my vision wavered but I could see clearly. The men at the entrance could see Itachi as well, I could sense their fear. I returned my attention to Itachi, he was in his black and red cloak, his hat, walking silently and calmly. He was always over confident. But then he suddenly stopped walking. He brought his hand fluidly to his hat tipped it up and looked at me.

The world was rewinding in a speed I couldn't even guess. I felt my vision receding those hundreds of feet back to me, and like recoil I was thrown back. As if I'd been struck, my brain registered pain in my whole body and I felt myself flying and then the sharp intake of breathe as my back struck the concrete on the roof. For a moment, all I saw was the sky, the moon, full and threatening above me.

"Nozomi!"

"You alright?"

Kai and Naruto came into my line of vision, blocking out the beautiful moon. They lifted me up and I grabbed the side of my head in pain. I don't know what Itachi did, I never knew he could do that. Heck, I didn't even know what happened. Naruto crouched down next to me, bewildered: "How the hell did you suddenly fly back like that?"

"Itachi," I said, shaking my head, "Itachi."

Kai narrowed his eyes, looking in the direction I'd been facing. Though, obviously, he couldn't see anything. "He was at the entrance?" He questioned. I nodded in reply, convincing myself I could never do that again. But what frightened me was as I realized Itachi had known I was watching him. How had he seen me? He had looked me dead in the eyes, with a look so frightful I almost erupted into a burst of tears.

I was afraid for Gaara's life. More than I was for mine. I had never feared that Itachi would kill me because I knew, deep in my heart, that he wouldn't. But, finally, Itachi was here. All my nightmares, all my visions, all my fears crashed together into one large wave to fall upon me and drown me in its black, deep waters. The pain, horror, weakness, sadness all came together and with its force, burst out of the corner I shoved it into. It all bubbled up and spilled over.

And all I could do was let out a blood-curdling scream.

I just wanted it to end.