Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach nor any of its characters excluding my original character Shihana.
Note: As promised the next chapter is up.
Be warned, this includes expressively adult content! If you don't like it, don't read it, don't say you haven't been warned!
I want to thank everybody who has stayed with me until now and all the kind reviewers.
I hope you enjoy the chapter!
Chapter 14:
Thou art in the void alone, heart
Lonesome glow ye
Greets you at the abyss
Dark flower Pain
Stretches its boughs
the high tree of Grief
the bird Eternal
sings in its leaves
Flower Pain is silent
finds no word
the tree grows up to the clouds
and the bird's singing does never cease
(Blume, Baum, Vogel; Herrmann Hesse)
When Shihana finally regained consciousness, she was back in the white room. Her wrists ached and burned and her shoulders had cramped up, because they were forced in such a weird position. The light hurt her eyes and the moment she moved her head, a dull pain began pounding behind her temples. She felt slightly dizzy.
Nevertheless, she forced herself to sit up. Just as she was halfway standing up to walk around the room, the door slid open soundlessly.
Shihana's eyes widened when not Ichimaru Gin but Abarai Renji entered the room. She fell back on the bed and supressed a moan of pain.
Renji quickly went over to her.
"We've come to get you", he whispered. "Can you stand?"
Shihana nodded. "Thank you", she breathed.
"Don't thank me", said Renji, suddenly harsh. "I'm only here because of orders. Don't think I care for you after what you've done." He glared at her and turned towards the door. "You coming?"
"Yes", she hurried to answer and stood up.
Shihana made a few swaying steps. Renji was already at the door, when she tripped. She fell on her side, hitting the ground hard. She couldn't stop herself from letting out a sharp hiss.
Renji turned around to see what was wrong.
Shihana blanched. She tried to open her mouth but found herself unable to.
The following events unfolded before her eyes in unbearable slowliness, unchangeable as if hewn into stone.
"Shoot to kill, Shinso", said Ichimaru Gin and his Zanpakutou pierced Renji right through the chest.
The Red-head stiffened, then haltingly looked down.
Gin withdrew the sword and immediately a big rush of blood poured forth, pulsing with the rhythm of the shredded heart.
Renji slowly sank to his knees and keeled over.
Shihana struggled to get to her feet, to rush over to him, but her legs just wouldn't support her. She tried to move her arms only resulting in a pain so deep she almost blackened out herself.
"Renji!", she finally screamed.
As if hearing her, he raised his head. His eyes were full of hatred when he whispered: "Now see what you've done, Shihana." Then his eyes went blank and his head hit the bloody ground with a dull thud.
No, thought Shihana, no that just can't be.
"How does it feel?", smiled Gin, licking a speck of blood from his hand. "To have killed a comrade? Well, technically, I have killed him, but it was all your fault. If it wasn't for you, he wouldn't have been here, would he?" He raised a hand and from behind him, two Fraccion advanced and pulled the body out of the door.
A crimson lake had appeared on the white floor, garish like fallen poppy leaves. Shihana couldn't look at it. She closed her eyes, still huddled on the cold tiles.
In her head Renji's last words swirled about. It really was all her fault. How could she have stumbled? Why hadn't she been able to warn him? If she hadn't been so stupid to let herself be captured, he needn't have come to this horrible place.
All my fault. All my fault. All my fault. All my fault.
Shihana didn't notice when Gin left the room. She just knelt there, on the cold hard floor, eyes closed, thoughts racing, her heart in no less shreds than his.
She completely lost track of time.
It could have been days or mere hours until she found herself on the bed again. She barely noticed that the cuffs on her wrists had disappeared, showing her the raw flesh underneath.
Now see what you've done, Renji's voice said in her head. This is all your fault. All your fault.
Shihana didn't even turn her head at the sound of footsteps.
Ichimaru Gin's smiling face appeared above her.
"So fragile a soul", he mumbled. Then he pulled the blanked off her.
"This won't be much fun, the way you are now", he said while he janked her off the bed onto the ground and unsheathed his short Zanpakutou. "But we're trying to make a point here."
Shihana knew she should struggle, when he cut deep into her flesh, in a far corner of her mind, she still knew that. But the most part of her welcomed the pain of torture, because she had earned it. She could never make up for what she had done. What right had she to be miserable?
Gin cut open her dress to reveal more unbroken skin. He hummed to himself while he seemed to have trouble deciding where to cut next.
He chose the upper part of her left chest. After some time, he looked at her smiling.
Shihana realized he had said something. "What did you say?", she asked.
"Look here, do you recognize it?"
She inclined her head and saw the symbol of a flower resembling a marigold edged into her light skin.
"It's the 3rd division's crest", she said.
"Right", exclaimed Gin in the tone of a delighted sensei. "And what does it stand for?"
"Despair", whispered Shihana and she could not help to be grateful in a twisted way, because it seemed so oddly fitting.
They went on like this for several hours. All the pain could not drown the voices in Shihana's head that went on and on. Your fault. You killed your comrade. Now see what you've done.
Shihana watched the wreckage of her body with the indifferent gaze of a neutral observer. Her chest ached so much that she didn't even sense these shallow wounds. She vaguely wondered whether it was very much blood that was spilling on the floor. Yet, Renji's had seemed like much more.
She felt a dull sense of loss, when Gin wiped the blood from the blade and resheathed it.
"Now now", he spoke soothingly upon seeing her look, "don't be disappointed. I won't stop when it's just getting fun."
He moved to undo his obi and her hazy mind took a moment to put the pieces together. She closed her eyes in exasperation. This is your payment, she thought.
When she opened them again, his face was very close to hers. He reeked of old and fresh blood. For a moment, she could see a shimmer of his eyes beneath the lids. They, too, had the colour of blood.
A sharp pain in her neck made her wince. With disgust she felt his tongue lick over the bruise. Her skin crawled where his cold hands touched her and she stared up to the ceiling, wishing to drown in its pure whiteness.
When he thrust inside her, she wanted to scream. In combination with the humilation, the pain had taken on a new quality. How could she not fight now? Her arms weren't even bound. She should throw him off, bite and claw at him until she had no strength left.
Now look what you've done. Those eyes full of hatred. All the red, the blood and brighter still, his hair.
She couldn't bring herself to move, paralyzed by guilt.
Shihana's eyes started to fill up with tears. What would her parents say to this, what would her fiancé say? No, he wouldn't want her anymore, not defiled, tainted like that.
Gin started to laugh. It sounded very shrill and piercing in the empty room. The sound of this manic laughter would haunt her for a long time.
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