PLEASE READ THIS! IT'S IMPORTANT!
Let me explain first. Those that are written in italics are of Alice thinking unconsciously. She's asleep. Sometimes, what she's saying have no sense or whatsoever. So if I write nonsensely, (is that even a word? HAHA…anyway) it's Alice talking with the 'things' she's taking. She's not thinking properly.
Yes, she's explaining what had happened to her but remember, she's fucked her life up for the past weeks. It's a little hard for her to remember things that happened to her.
And since it's in Alice's POV, her thoughts are quite fuzzy so her sentences are not that complete. So don't complain if it doesn't make sense.
Got it?
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters. I also don't own the lyrics of the songs mentioned below.
Keeping quiet, laying low
Holding on to what I don't want to know
'Til the daylight turns to ash and blows away
Missing keys, bloody nose
Consequences of what I chose
Keep running into me; don't want my memory
It all comes so deathly
Sailing all alone
I thought I made it home
But I threw it all away
'Bar-ba-sol' by David Cook
AlicePOV
I am the dumbest person in the universe. How could I let go of the person who I know truly loves me? She would never hurt me like the others I had been with did to me. How could I ever think so low of Bella?
It was my entire fault. I had no one other than myself to be blamed for what I did to my life. I didn't want this. All I want to do is to feel numb. I don't want to feel the pain of not being with my love. But as I did that, I was slowly ending my life without me even knowing it.
Well… maybe I knew it. But I ignored it.
Alcohol. Pills. Cutting.
That was my solution to feel nothing.
I was stupid for not telling Bella to come back to me. I would beg and kiss her feet if I had to. Why did I even fucking ask her for a 'separation'?
I wanted to call her. I always had my cellphone in my hand, ready to call her anytime. But I was scared. Scared of her not answering her phone. Or worse. Bella answering her phone but telling me she was hurt by what I did and never wanted to see me again.
For the past three weeks, all I did was stay inside my brother's house. I didn't work, I didn't go out… I didn't live. I was barely eating. I was barely breathing.
I was glad that Rosalie and Emmett hadn't noticed anything I was doing. And for that, I was thankful. I don't want them to be involved with this.
I wanted to stay in my house alone but they forced me to stay in their house until my life is sorted out. Until Bella and I got back together.
For about two weeks before I had hit the bullshit bottom, I found something to ease my pain: alcohol. Then when I was looking around Em and Rose's bathroom, I found razors and sleeping pills. That's when it all started.
I let the devil pull me into his arms. I let him take over my dying self. Physically and emotionally.
I had nightmares resulting to no sleep for me. Insomniacs came and the only solution was sleeping pills. But it didn't work for me. I had to have stronger ones to be able to relax.
I became dependent on these fuckers.
And I don't know how to even start to tell you about the cutting. It was an obsession. It made me feel numbness. It made the pain go away for a bit.
But it never made me forget what I did to Bella.
So I didn't stop to do it.
That was what triggered my break down.
I was in the bathroom floor for God knows how long. I was having one of those panic attacks again. I had beside me a bottle of Jose, the razor and the sleeping pills. I had taken about four pills already, with the help of the alcohol already burning in my throat; I drank it in one full gulp. I steadied my shaking hands that was holding the razor and started pushing it across my wrist.
It felt good.
But my shaking hadn't stop.
I cannot concentrate on what I was doing anymore.
I had hit a vein.
Suddenly I can't breathe anymore.
My eyes were slowly rolling at the back of my eyes.
I can feel my heart beating unsteadily.
Thud… thud… thudthudthud…thud…thudthud…thuuuuddddd…
Then everything went black.
**
My eyes fluttered open but immediately closed it again. I was blinded by the piercing light.
Am I in heaven?
"Alice"
Someone had called my name.
"Alice"
There it was again.
I gently opened my eyes and looked at my surroundings. I was in a hospital room. The faint beeping sound of the heart monitor was telling me I was still alive. I was deaf of other sounds other than that machinery.
I am alive.
"Alice"
I turned to the voice calling my name.
It was Jasper.
I looked at him for a long time. His eyes were red.
He had been crying.
"Jazz" I whispered. I was confused.
Why am I here? Why was he crying? Where's my brother? Where's Rose?
Where's Bella?
"Alice! Thank God you're okay!" He hurriedly but gently hugged me. "Wait, I'll get Emmett." He ran to the door and outside the room. In no time at all, my brother busted into my room. He was a mess. Messier than Jasper even.
"Alice." My brother all but ran to me and engulfed me in a hug. "Don't do that again. You scared the shit out of me!" He was crying again, I can't help but cry with him.
It was all coming back to me now.
In the bathroom floor.
The sleeping pills.
Rose's razor.
Jose Cuervo.
"I'm sorry." I whispered, still in my big brother's arms. "I'm sorry." I told him once I again. I kept repeating it over and over again into his ear until his cries died down and he let go of me. Emmett wiped my tear stained cheeks then kissed my cheek. "I love you baby sister. Please always remember that." I closed my eyes and nodded.
When I opened my eyes, Rosalie was beside me. She took my hand then kissed it. Since she can't really bend due to her big belly, she just sat on the chair beside my bed and held my hand.
"I was so scared Ali when I found you in the bathroom floor. You weren't breathing anymore." She cried. I hated doing this to my family. It was my entire fault.
"Shh… Don't cry Rose. It's bad for the baby for you to be stressing." I wanted to comfort her, to stand up from this bed and hug her. Hug all of them.
But I feel so weak. I can't even lift a finger.
I let Rose hold my hand as I looked around my room.
That's when I saw her.
Leaning her whole body on the closed door.
Bella.
She was crying too.
"Bella" I whispered as I called for her.
She didn't move. She looked in my eyes. Pain crystal clear in her brown orbs.
Of course she doesn't want me anymore after what I did.
How can I live? How can I get past this pain again if she's not with me? I don't want to go through that any more.
I cried.
One loud, shattering cry.
I gave it all.
I was shaking again.
I was longing again.
Not for those things, but for my love.
I want her.
"BELLA!" I cried. "I'm sorry. I was stupid. I didn't know why I did that! Please forgive me. Forgive me. Another chance, please. Forgive me." I repeated over and over again not just to her but also the people inside the room that I love. I hurt them. It was all my fault.
I saw Bella coming over to me and can see her face thoroughly. She had bags in her eyes, her skin was paler than normal, and her face was thin.
What have I done?
"I'm sorry." I apologized once again.
"Shh… Stop crying. I'm here now. I will not leave. Even if you force me to, I won't." Bella cupped my face and leaned her forehead against mine. "I love you… stop crying, please."
"I'm sorry." I whispered.
"Shut up." She said quietly. And with that our lips connected.
I was whole again.
"I love you." She whispered when we pulled away for air.
"I love you too. And I promise I will never ask for you to leave again." I smiled for the first time in a while. And it felt good.
**
Two days had already passed and I'm still here in the hospital. Apparently, if Rose hadn't found me that second, I could've died on the spot. I didn't know that mixing sleeping pills and alcohol was fatal. Add the fact that the sleeping pills were branded as Benzodiazepines; a type of sleeping pill that can cause death when overdose. I got addicted with the pill and couldn't stop taking it. Also, another factor of my almost-death was the cutting. I had sliced a vein on my inner wrist and the rest is history.
The doctor had explained everything to my family but I was too tired to listen. I didn't want to remember how I almost ended my life.
I am currently lying on my hospital bed alone. Emmett and Rosalie went home last night and rested for the night. Rose didn't want to leave me but with Emmett's help, I forced her to go home. Jasper attended an intern's seminar in San Diego and took a flight this morning. And Bella was out buying coffee.
I could tell Bella didn't know how to act in front of me. She already forgave me but I could see something was bothering her as I look into her eyes. I hope we could sort this out.
After a while of staring out the window, I heard the door creaked open. I turned to the door and in goes Bella. I smiled at her as she smiled back at me.
"I asked the doctor if I could give you coffee but he told me you can't consume caffeine after only days of surgery. So I got you chamomile tea instead." Bella said as she handed me the hot cup.
I had to have surgery and pumped my stomach. They had to take something out of my insides. I just didn't know what.
"It's fine. Thank you." I got the cup from her hand and took a sip. I patted the bed and asked a silent question to Bella to lie down beside me.
"Alice, I want to talk to you about something." I turned to her and motioned for her to go on. "I talked with your doctor and asked him when you can go said he'll do some more tests today then he can let you go tomorrow." My eyes went bigger when she said that. I really wanted to go home.
"Really! Wow, that's great." I exclaimed.
"And here's the thing… Do you think you can stay with me? I mean is… will you move with me? In my apartment?" She said, stuttering.
I can't believe this. She just asked me to move in with her. Do I want to?
Of course I want to!
I didn't want to go to my apartment alone after this incident and I definitely don't want to go back to Em's house. I've already invaded their alone time and I know they wanted it especially now that Rose will probably pop the baby any day.
"So, what'll be, Al?" Bella said, looking worried that I didn't answered her yet.
"Yes. I will love to move in with you." I whispered inching my face closer to hers.
"Really?" She whispered as well with that cheeky smile that I love.
"Really." I answered, giving the smile back to her.
"I love you." And with that, she closed the gap between us and kissed my lips.
As promised by the doctor, I get to go home the next day.
"So, are you excited to move with your girlfriend?" Rosalie asked, helping me pack my things. Rose trusted Bella now. She told me she can see the love radiating from the both of us. She can see Bella's eyes lit up whenever she looks at me.
"Of course I am." I was going to Bella's apartment right away. Since most of my stuff are already at her place, packing the rest of my stuff is not a hassle anymore. We were going to sell my apartment and give my furniture to charity.
When Rose and I were finished stuffing things in my small bag, Bella walked in with a wheel chair.
"NO!" I groaned as I protested.
"Come on baby. I wouldn't let you walk to the car." Bella said getting my bag from Rosalie then let me sit to the chair.
I took a deep breath and glared at her. But in the end, I sat anyway.
As Bella was pushing me out the exit, it was no surprise that someone flashed their camera at us.
Fucking paparazzi again!
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