Chapter 2: Breathe

I see your face in my mind as I drive away

'Cause none of us thought it was going to end that way

People are people

And sometimes we change our minds

But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Stella smiles at Mac before she leaves his office, returning to the lab to help Lindsay finish processing the evidence in the murder from that morning. "Sorry, Mac just needed me to sign off on some files," she apologizes.

"I pulled a print off of the victim's purse. Can you start running it through AFIS?"

"Sure," Stella places the lift in the scanner and turns to face her fellow CSI. "How's Lucy doing with her walking?"

"Okay. She can take about five steps before falling when she's not holding on to anything."

"I guess I'll really have to not let her out of my sight next time I watch her."

"So how are things with Mac?"

"I… never told him."

"Stella," Lindsay frowns at her friend. "Why not?"

"I don't know," she shrugs. "I just haven't found the right time to do it."

"So who are you going to the dinner with tomorrow?"

"Mac."

"But you said…"

"He asked me to go with him. Just as friends. You know, since we're both dateless. And then we don't have deal with all the other single people that are looking for a date at the party."

"I guess that's a start."

"Yeah… but the only reason he asked was because he and Amanda had just broken up, and I said I had better start looking for a date."

"You should tell him tomorrow," Lindsay looks at her friend. "After the party so you've both had something to drink."

"And how exactly do you propose I go about this… confession?"

"Sit him down on the couch and just say it."

"That's it?"

"Yeah. Just tell him the truth, about how you've felt this way about him for a long time and his friendship means the world to you and stuff."

"Why do you have to make it sound like the easiest thing in the world?"

"Because love shouldn't be that hard, especially when the two people love each other but refuse to tell each other so."

Stella looks at Lindsay, "Somehow I don't think you should be the one talking about how easy love is."

Music starts playing like the end of a sad movie

It's the kind of ending you don't really want to see

'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down

Now I don't know what to be without you around

Mac knocks on Stella's door and patiently waits for her to answer it. Seconds later he smiles as the door swings open, "Hey."

"Hi, Mac. You looks handsome in your tux," she smiles back.

He blushes, "Thanks. And you look amazing in that dress."

Stella looks down at herself, trying to hide her embarrassment, "We don't have to do this awkward date stuff, Mac. We agreed to go as friends."

"I know. But you do look beautiful, Stella. I, uh, brought you some flowers," he holds out a bouquet of pink roses.

"Thank you, Mac. You really didn't have to," she accepts the bouquet. "Do you mind if I go put them in a vase quickly?"

"Take your time," he says, not too fond of parties even though he actually had a date for this one. He follows her into the kitchen and watches her pull a vase from the cupboard.

She fills it with water before putting the roses into it. "Perfect."

"So… you'd really rather dance with me than with all those other available guys?"

"Of course," she answers, then realizes she might have responded a little too quickly. "Most of them are nice and all but they don't know everything that's happened to me. They sometimes take advantage of having me as a dance partner even though it's only for one song, and it can get uncomfortable. But you know where the line is, and you're always a gentleman. That was one thing Amanda was right about."

"She said that?"

"Yes. And it's true. Why else do you think all these women are attracted to you?"

He smirks, "I thought it was because of my handsomeness."

"Well, I'm sure they like that too. We should probably be going, or the guys will start to wonder where we are."

Mac offers her a hand, "Ready?"

"Yep," she takes it, and they walk out the door.

And we know it's never simple

Never easy

Never a clean break, no one here to save me

You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

Mac and Stella dance together for the first two songs before Hawkes taps Mac on the shoulder, "Can I cut in?"

"Sure," the boss says, dropping his hands from Stella. "I'll see you in a few songs."

After dancing with Sheldon, Don, and Adam, Stella returns to her date. "Did anyone else ask you to dance?"

"No. I, uh, think it's the guy's job to ask, Stella," he hands her a glass of champagne. "So I take it those three were not the guys you were talking about earlier?"

"The immature ones? No, they know how to keep their hands to themselves."

"Are you sure about that? I'm pretty sure they all had their hands on you."

"You know what I mean, Mac."

The two detectives sit quietly for a few songs, watching the other officers dance. Eventually Mac holds his hand out to her, figuring that he should probably dance with Stella before someone else asked her. As they make their way to the dance floor, the song changes into a slow, romantic song. "Do you still want to dance?" he asks, looking over at her.

"Yeah, this is fine. And maybe the other guys will see us and keep their hands off me for the rest of the night," she places her hands on his shoulders. He rests his hands on her waist, and they slowly start to spin.

"Stel," he begins a few minutes later, "I'm glad that you agreed to come with me. I think this is the only department party I've enjoyed since Claire passed away."

"It's nothing, Mac," she smiles. "I, uh… Can we talk when we get back to my place?"

"Sure. It's not something bad, is it?"

"No. No, everything's okay. I just want to talk to you… about us."

"Okay," Mac gives her a small smile, but his worry is not pacified much by her words.

And I can't

Breathe

Without you

But I have to

Breathe

Without you

But I have to

Stella opens her apartment door, "Do you want something to drink?"

"Sure," he says, following her into the kitchen. While she opens a bottle of wine, he finds two glasses. "I had fun tonight, Stel. Much more fun than I would have if we hadn't gone together."

"Me too," she smiles, handing him a glass.

"I thought I saw Sinclair and the commissioner staring at us as we walked by them to get to our table. They were probably a little surprised that we came together."

"Yeah… But let's not worry about what they thought it was. We both know we went as friends."

"Actually, I'm kind of surprised the guys didn't say anything about it. Maybe they were afraid that they'd be fired if they commented about us."

"Maybe… but I told Lindsay the other day that we were going together so she probably told the whole lab about it, probably even told them not to say anything about it."

"Why would she do that?"

"Tell everyone about it? Because it would get out soon enough. And she probably wanted to make sure nobody thought it was more than what it was."

"I meant why would she defend us?"

"Because she knows we're both professional people and don't really have much of a social life, and she didn't want them to discourage us for actually making an effort, albeit with someone we work with."

Mac takes a sip of wine as he sits down on the couch, "I guess that was nice of her."

"I'm sure it wasn't much since you stood up against Sinclair when they wanted to get married," Stella also sits down on the couch, careful not to sit too close to her partner.

"So what did you want to talk about?"

"Uh… I really don't know how to say this, Mac. I've really appreciated your friendship over the past thirteen years. I've never been so close to anyone in my life. And… over the past few years, I've come to realize that my feelings for have changed," she pauses to take a deep breath. "I love you, Mac."

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt

Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve

But people are people

And sometimes it doesn't work out

Nothing we say is going to save us from the fall out

Mac's eyes break contact with Stella's at her words. She watches him for a few seconds before turning away, knowing that she had forever ruined their friendship. "I… Mac, I…" she struggles to find something to say to make it better.

"We can't do this, Stella," he whispers, looking down into his wine glass.

"Why not?" she asks, equally as quiet.

"We work together. I'm your boss."

"Technically, yes. But we both know that we share the responsibility for the team. You've only pulled rank on me, what… four times during our partnership; and we both know you didn't have a choice in the matter."

"And you're still a subordinate, Stel. They'll think I treat you differently if we're in a relationship, that I let you get away with things that others would be punished for."

"You already do that, Mac. Had anyone else gone behind your back and kept investigating a case he was pulled off of he would have been fired."

He sighs, "Sinclair and the commissioner would never allow it."

"They can't do anything about it, Mac. There's no rule against it."

"You know as well as I do what we had to go through for Danny and Lindsay to get married. It'd be a hundred times worse for us."

"We could convince them if we really wanted to; we're both stubborn people."

"What would the media say about us? Do you realize how bad that could get if we had an internal affairs investigation?" he protests.

"Since when do you care what the media says?"

"I don't want my name or your name to be ruined."

She looks at him again, "We can be professional about a relationship, Mac. It won't interfere in our work."

"Yes, it will. We are not going to be able to work together when we're in the middle of an argument; we can't even work together now when we have an argument."

"So? We can work different cases until it's settled."

And we know it's never simple

Never easy

Never a clean break, no one here to save me

You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

"What happens when one of us gets hurt on the job? Even the most professional people can't remain indifferent when someone they care about is hurt."

"Being in a relationship doesn't change me caring about you; I've cared about you since the first day we worked together. My reaction would be the same tomorrow if you got shot as it would have been yesterday; it makes no differences if we're in a relationship."

"That's different: you didn't suddenly decide you loved me today."

"No. My reaction would have been different up until a few years before Claire passed away. I didn't love until a few years ago but I still cared deeply about you then because we were close friends."

Mac studies his wine again, "Maybe you'd have an even worse reaction if we start to date because you'd be even more attached to me."

"Maybe… but I still think that it'd be pretty bad if something were to happen to you now."

"Seriously, Stella. What if something does happen to one of us?"

"If something does happen, it would've happened whether we were dating or not."

"What if our relationship interferes with our work and we start to become less careful at scenes? If something were to happen to you because I forgot to follow protocol, I'd never stop feeling guilty."

"Mac, we're already too close for our own good," Stella whispers. "I'd be devastated if something were to happen to you; I don't even know if I'd be able to come back to work."

"If we're too close, we should end our friendship," he suggests, realizing himself how attached he had become to her.

"No," she shakes her head, her curls swinging around her. "I can't lose you, Mac. I need you as a friend, not just my boss."

And I can't

Breathe

Without you

But I have to

Breathe

Without you

But I have to

"We're friends, Stella; we can't date."

"And why can't friends date?"

"Because… they just shouldn't. Were you and Frankie friends before you started dating?"

"No… but I bet if I had taken the time to get to know him it would've have ended the way it did; it may not have even happened. Weren't you and Claire friends?"

"Not before we started dating. Our friendship grew as our relationship did."

"I think that being friends first could make our relationship stronger."

"Or being in a relationship could just strain our friendship, which we already put enough strain on at times anyway."

"Why are you being so cynical about this, Mac? Don't you even want to attempt to make this work?" Stella asks.

"What happens when we break up?"

"How do you know we're going to break up?"

"When has happily-ever-after happened for either of us?"

"With that attitude, we don't even have a chance."

"You didn't answer the question," he frowns.

"Never, Mac. Neither one of us has had a happy life. So maybe this is our chance," she struggles to keep from shouting.

"What happens when we break up?" Mac repeats.

"Then it's over, and I guess it wasn't meant to be."

"People are never 'just friends' when they break up; when it's over, it's over. If it doesn't work out, it would cost us our friendship, and you already said you didn't want to lose that."

"I'm willing to take that risk, Mac."

"And I'm not. What will happen at work if we break up? How would we resolve that argument in order to remain professional?" he counters, knowing that neither one of them wanted to give up their job.

"I guess one of us would have to quit. And you know what? I would quit for you, Mac. If you were willing to try this, I would quit for you if it didn't work out. I'd even quit for you so that work would not be an issue if it would make you willing to try this."

It's two a.m.

Feeling like I just lost a friend

Hope you know it's not easy

Easy for me

Mac pauses upon hearing her offer. He knew that Stella loved her job and would never quit. In order for her to offer to do so so that they could start a relationship without any guarantee of it working out, she had to really love him. "Stel…"

She sits on the opposite end of the couch, refusing to look at him as she tries to keep her tears from falling. Obviously Lindsay had been wrong about Mac's feelings for her if he was not even willing to try to start a relationship with her. "Mac…"

"Don't give up your job for me, Stella. I'm not worth it. A relationship with me is not worth it."

"Why not?"

"You love your job, Stella. It's who you are. Don't waste that on me when it could never work between us."

"Damn it, Mac. Why do you have to be so damn stubborn all the time?" she shouts, unable to control her temper now.

"You deserve better than me. Don't waste what you've built for yourself on me. Don't even waste your time on me. I don't even deserve to have someone like you as a friend."

"Why?" she quietly asks, not sure what was wrong with Mac.

"I'm done with love, Stella. When I lost Claire, I lost everything. I wanted so much to just die so that I could be with her. But you kept me here; you kept me from doing something that I would regret. And ever since Claire, love just hasn't been the same."

"Mac, I don't want anyone else. All I want is you."

Mac shakes his head, repeating his response to her confession again. "We can't do this, Stella. We can't be together."

Stella finally turns back to face him, letting a tear roll down her cheek. "You don't have to keep making excuses, Mac; if you don't love me, just tell me."

It's two a.m.

Feeling like I just lost a friend

Hope you know this ain't easy

Easy for me

Mac remains silent, his eyes refusing to meet hers.

"I guess that's my answer," she says, wiping her eyes with her hands.

He sighs, closing his eyes for a moment, "It's not like that, Stella."

"Stop it, Mac," she snaps before he gets a chance to explain. "I don't want to hear it. Just… just go."

"We can't be together," he repeats again, trying to make her see. "We can't…"

"If we really wanted to, we could make it work. But you obviously don't want that so… just leave me alone, Mac."

He sits, looking blankly across the room as he thinks. Is it better for her to think he didn't love her or to tell her that he did love her but they still couldn't be together? Out of the corner of his eye he sees her wiping the tears from her cheeks again, and he cannot bring himself to turn to her and tell her that he loves her but that they could not be more than friends.

"How could I be so stupid?" she mutters. "I shouldn't have said anything; I should have known that you didn't feel the same way about me. And how could you?"

"Stella, this isn't your fault. We're just… in terrible situation. But we'll get through it eventually."

"No, we won't, Mac. I ruined it; we could have just kept being friends but I had to go and ruin it."

"We can still be friends, Stel," he gently tells her.

"No. You said it yourself: we're too close. And now that you know how I feel, it's going to be too awkward to be friends."

"We can be friends again," he insists, afraid of losing her. "I still want to be your friend. We will get through the awkwardness; we can even pretend that this night never happened."

"No, Mac. We can't. It will always be there despite our attempts to forget it," she stands up, refusing to look at him. "I really think you should go."

He too stands, and they walk to the door. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow."

And we know it's never simple

Never easy

Never a clean break, no one here to save me

Stella closes the door behind Mac, refusing to watch him walk out of her life. She leans against the door and slowly sinks down to the floor, letting the tears flow freely now that he was gone.

Why was I stupid enough to think that he actually loved me too? He's my boss, my best friend. God, why did I have to fall for him? she thinks, not bothering to wipe away the tears.

Her body shakes as she cries, realizing that she had just destroyed their friendship forever. Thirteen years together ruined in one night. Why did I listen to Lindsay? Why did I have to tell him that I love him? Why did I think that we could ever be happy together? Why did I think that I deserved a happily-ever-after?

After ten minutes of sitting there, she settles down a little. She stands, making her way into the living room. Upon seeing her half-empty glass of wine, she downs the rest of it. Then, spotting his on the table, she drinks the rest of his wine, not caring that his mouth had touched the glass as she tries to numb herself.

In search of more wine, she goes to the kitchen. His final words before leaving come back to her as she takes a sip: "I guess I'll see you tomorrow." Oh, God. How are we going to work together tomorrow? Everyone is going to know that something happened between us.

Stella sets the bottle down, deciding it best not to go to work with a hangover the next morning because facing Mac would be bad enough. The tears return as she begins to dread seeing him for the first time in her life; she was normally so eager to see Mac, but everything had changed with three words.

I can't

Breathe

Without you

But I have to

Breathe

Without you

But I have to

A/N: Sorry, I've been busy with parties and stuff and kind of forgot to update. Anyway, there are two more chapters to this story. I appreciate your reviews. Thanks.