Chapter 3: White Horse
Say you're sorry
That face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
'Cause I honestly believed in you
Stella opens her eyes as the doors to the elevator open, not ready to face her boss yet. Slowly she makes her way to her office, her eyes on the floor the entire journey so that she does not see him. Once she has removed her jacket, she sits down in her chair and turns her computer on. As the screen lights up, she checks the pile of folders on her desk and decides that not having caffeine that morning had been a terrible idea; she had avoided coffee earlier, believing that it would make her more nervous around Mac.
There is a knock on the door, and she reluctantly looks up, fearing that it would be Mac. Sheldon, however, enters her office, coffees for the whole team in hand and a smile on his face. "I thought we could all use a little energy boost this morning," he hands her a cup, which she gratefully takes, having dreaded the thought of break room coffee moments ago.
"Thank you so much, Sheldon," she takes a sip.
"My pleasure," he smiles again. "I have to deliver the rest of these so I'll see you at the meeting in a few minutes."
She watches him leave, glad that her first encounter with Mac since the previous evening would be in front of everyone, which meant they would not have a chance to talk to each other this morning unless he put them on the same case. She silently prays that he wouldn't do that to her.
After checking her email, Stella grabs her cup of coffee and heads to the break room for the meeting, pleased to see that she is the last one to arrive. As Mac talks about the three new cases for the morning, she leans against the counter.
"Hawkes and Danny, I want you two to take the girl shot in the alley. Lindsay and Stella, you can take the double murder on Fifth Avenue. Flack and I will work on the man in the park," Mac says as he hands the files to the respective investigators.
Great, I don't have to work with Mac, but Lindsay is going to be asking a lot of questions, Stella thinks as she leaves the room with the others.
Holding on
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should have known, I should have known
"So…?" Lindsay prompts Stella as they pull out of the parking garage.
"Nothing happened."
"Nothing? You two wouldn't even look at each other this morning." Stella doesn't respond so Lindsay continues. "Did you two think that you'd be able to hide your relationship by not looking at each other? Because it was very obvious that something had changed."
"Something did change, Lindsay: our friendship is over. I ruined it."
"What?"
"You were wrong: he doesn't love me."
"Did he tell you that?" Lindsay stares at her coworker, forgetting to look at the road.
"Watch out," the older detective says, bracing herself for a crash.
Lindsay slams on the brakes, and the SUV stops inches away from the cab in front of them. "Whoa," she says. "You better start explaining so I don't get distracted by your evasiveness again."
"There's nothing else to say. And it'd probably only distract you more."
"Did he really come out and tell you that he didn't have feelings for you?"
"He didn't have to. He kept making excuses so he wouldn't have to say that."
"So that's it? You two are going to end over a decade of friendship because he's too cowardly to tell you how he feels?"
Stella looks out the window, "He doesn't want to be more than friends, and he thinks we're already too close for our own good."
"Stella, you know Mac better than anyone; you know that he doesn't like to express his feelings. Soon enough he'll realize that he really does want you, and you can be happy together then. Don't give up your friendship just yet."
"You don't know what he said last night; he was determined that we could never be together, that it would just lead to more pain. If he loves me, why would he be so resolute about never starting a relationship?"
Lindsay sighs, not sure what to tell her friend. She had been so sure that Mac loved Stella; their chemistry had been so obvious to her since her first day in the lab.
I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse to come around
Stella knocks on his office door before entering. "Lindsay and I made an arrest; you just have to sign off on the paperwork."
He takes the folder from her, "I'll look through it and sign off."
"Thanks," she turns to leave.
"Stel… can we talk?" Mac asks quietly.
She closes her eyes for a moment, not really in the mood for another argument with Mac. "I don't really think we have anything to talk about," she says, her voice equally as quiet as his.
"This is already difficult, Stella; don't make it any harder."
"I'm not the one who made our relationship that way."
"Well I'm not the one who had to go around admitting my feelings and ruining everything," he counters, then realizes that he probably shouldn't have said that.
She whips around to face him, "What do you want from me, Mac?"
"I want to be friends again."
"It's all or nothing, Mac. I had to go and ruin our friendship by telling you how I feel so now you have to choose, Mac. We're either in a relationship or we're just coworkers. We can't be in the middle."
"Why not?"
Stella shakes her head at him, "Because we can't. We already had this discussion."
"Stel…" he sighs, looking down at the papers in front of him.
"You don't have to say it, Mac. I know what your choice is."
"You said that you didn't want to lose my friendship."
"I don't. But we don't have a choice."
"Why don't we? If we both want to be friends, then why can't we make it work?" he looks back up at her.
"Because I'm always going to love you. And you're always going to have that in the back of your head whenever we're together. And we're always going to be awkward around each other and think about what could have happened if things had been different and all that other stuff."
Baby, I was naive
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
My mistake, I didn't know to be in love
You had to fight to have the upper hand
Mac stands up and walks around his desk to stand next to her, "And that's not going to happen if we're not friends?"
"No, it's going to happen whether we're friends or not."
He silently debates telling her the truth as he looks into her eyes and sees her pain. "Stella… I want you to know that… that I really do value your friendship," he backs out at the last second. "I never realized how much you mean to me. And now we may never be friends again."
"Maybe it's for the best," she whispers, looking out at the lab. When her eyes land on him again, she speaks again. "But it's probably not. Mac… I am so sorry for this. I never should have said anything."
He wants to tell that it isn't her fault, that he does love her; he knows, however, that this could not save their friendship since they still couldn't be together. "Are we really going to end this?"
She nods slowly, "From now on we'll just be work friends, nothing more."
"You know, the few times I actually thought about how our friendship would end, I was sure it would either be when something happened to one of us or when we just got so angry at each other that we couldn't go on."
"We can argue if you'd rather it end that way."
"No. No, I don't want to do that. I'd rather it didn't end at all, but… I'd rather not have my last memory of us as friends be a bad one."
"It's going to be bad no matter how it ends."
Mac places his hand on her arm, "Why are we doing this?"
Stella closes her eyes, trying to hold back the tears. When she opens them, she leans forward and kisses his cheek, resting her hand on the opposite one. "You may be unemotional, Mac, but I am not," she whispers before walking out of the office.
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know
"Bonasera," Stella grumbles, her eyes still closed.
"Stella, I need you to meet me at a scene," Mac tells her, giving her the address.
"Okay. I'll be there in twenty minutes," she yawns and hangs her phone up.
Things had definitely changed between them in the two weeks that had passed since their friendship ended. Mac would normally offer to pick her up on his way to the scene, but now he was making her drive herself, even when her apartment was on his way to the scene. And when they were friends, he'd bring her coffee to apologize for having to wake her up early; now he barely offered her a greeting when she arrived and hardly talked to her unless it was about the case. And he had stopped calling her Stel; it was always Stella now.
As she dresses, she wonders whether her words that evening had hurt him; she had called him callous, and he had definitely become even more indifferent since they had ended their friendship.
She desperately wants to blame the termination of their relationship on Lindsay; she had been the one to tell Stella to take the risk after all. But when Lindsay said she knew Mac loved her, she had really believed her; as she replayed some of their moments together in her head, it all made sense to her. There was no way he couldn't love her.
But he didn't. She thought even he would've admitted his feelings, despite his professional facade, when faced with the end of their friendship. And since he hadn't cracked, she was really starting to believe that he had never loved her at all. Sure, he cared about her, but he didn't love her. Not in the same way that he had loved Claire. She didn't need him to love her like he loved Claire, though; she would've been happy with just half of his love.
I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse to come around
Mac stops taking pictures to watch Stella step out of her SUV. Normally when he saw her, he was instantly as ease; now, however, he was tense and cautious, having to make sure that he didn't accidentally do something that he used to do when they were friends that would be inappropriate now that they were just coworkers.
"What do we have?" she asks, opening her kit and pulling on a pair of latex gloves.
"Stab wound to the chest, most likely punctured the heart, causing him to bleed out. I've got the body so you have the rest of the alley, including the dumpster," he informs her, no hint of a smirk on his face; he knows she hates dumpster duty.
"Okay," she answers, offering no protest. Before she would argue with him about going in the dumpster until it could be put off no longer; and most of the time he would let her flip a coin or something of the sort to determine who had to go in the dumpster. "Do we have an ID on the victim?"
"No wallet in his pocket; killer might have tossed it in the dumpster. If not, hopefully Sid can give us something to identify him with."
The detectives fall into silence as they both process the scene. Eventually Stella changes into her coveralls and heads toward the dumpster. Mac follows her, "Are you sure you don't want me to do that?"
"No, I can do it. You're the boss."
"I don't mind, Stella."
She looks into his eyes, practically pleading with him to let her process the dumpster, something she had definitely never done before. "Don't do this, Mac," she says softly.
"I miss you, Stel," he whispers, his voice almost imperceptible.
"Don't," she repeats. "You made your choice."
"What if I've changed my mind?"
And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry
Stella takes a deep breath, trying to convince herself that she is doing the right thing. She looks back down at the paper on her desk, picks up her pen, and begins to write. The first few lines are simple enough: name, title, department, supervisor. All simple things that she could mindlessly write down.
Then she gets to the hard part: her reason for quitting. I'm in love with my boss and told him so, but he doesn't love me. And now we've ended our friendship, and things are just so awkward. It's just better for one of us to leave, and it's all my fault so I should be the one to go, she thinks. The situation was too complicated to put on paper. Besides, Mac would not be the only one looking at her resignation form.
After thinking for a few minutes, she finally comes up with a viable reason for leaving that wouldn't be questioned. Well, it wouldn't be questioned by anyone except Mac; he would know the truth, but there was nothing he could do to reveal her true reason that would not cause problems for him.
Stella signs the letter before setting her pen down. I have to do this. I have to get away from him and move on with my life, she tells herself. Lifting her head up, she looks down the hall to see if Mac is in his office. He is, to her dismay, in his office, his head bent over his desk.
Looking down at the paper again, she tells herself that she is doing the right thing for herself. Standing, she picks the form up and slowly walks towards Mac's office. She knocks quietly on the door, and he beckons her inside, barely glancing up from his paperwork.
Silently she hands him the sheet of paper in her hand. He looks at it for a moment before speaking. "What is this?"
'Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm going to find someone someday
Who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And it's too late for you and your white horse
"My resignation."
"Why?"
"I can't do this anymore, Mac."
"Do what?"
"You, me, us. It's too complicated, and it's so hard for both of us. It's better to just end our relationship all together. We won't have to see each other anymore, and we can both move on."
"Don't quit."
"I don't have a choice, Mac. You don't want to have a romantic relationship, we can't be friends, and just being coworkers isn't working. It's best that I just go before it gets worse."
"I can't let you do this," Mac shakes his head. "You love your job."
"Someone has to do something before we both break into pieces. And you're not giving up your job. It's my fault so I should be the one to go."
"What are you going to do? Work in another part of the department?"
"No. I'm leaving the police department. I haven't really decided what I'm going to do yet."
"Stella, I'm not going to authorize this, especially when you don't have another job yet."
"Fine," she snatches the paper from him. "If you won't do it, Sinclair will."
"You don't have to do this, Stel."
"Yes, I do. I need to get away from here, from you."
As he looks into her eyes, he sees all of the pain he has caused her, and guilt washes over him. She was in pain because of him, and he could have easily put an end to it, given her what she wanted, what he also wanted but he couldn't let happen. But it was too late now; she was on the verge of shattering into a million pieces, and the least he could do was let her go, give her a chance to repair herself. He holds out his hand, "I'll sign it."
Once he has signed it, she speaks again. "I guess this is good bye, Mac."
He swallows a lump in his throat, not wanting to let her go. "Good bye, Stella," he says, not sure whether he should hug her or just shake her hand, keeping it professional. Instead he does nothing.
"Bye," she repeats softly before turning and leaving the lab for the last time.
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse to catch me now
Mac sits in his truck outside her apartment building. He wants to go in and talk to her, to tell her that he loves her too, to persuade her to start a relationship with him, to ask her to come back to the lab. He couldn't lose her, not like this, not at all.
Finally he gathers the courage to get out of the car and go inside, hoping that she won't be too angry with him for coming; he was, after all, coming with good news. She'd actually have to give him a chance to talk, though, in order to find this out.
His heart thudding faster than he ever remembers, he steps out of the elevator and covers the short distance down the hallway to her door. He raises his hand, hesitates, and then knocks three times. He waits for a full minute but hears no sound from inside. After knocking once more, he pulls his phone out and calls her. From outside her door, he can hear her phone ring. Stella does not answer, nor is there any movement inside the apartment. He tries her cell phone, but it goes straight to voicemail each time.
Contemplating how angry she would be if he used his key, he pulls it out and unlocks the door. He hopes she is just sleeping or bathing or something and that she hadn't done anything drastic. "Stella," Mac calls out, stepping inside. He searches the whole apartment, but his partner is not there.
Deciding that she had just gone out to clear her head, he takes one last look around the apartment. In the corner of the living room is a desk, on which sits a laptop and a printer. A sheet of paper is in the printer, and for some unknown reason, he crosses the room to look at it.
It takes him a few minutes to realize what it is: a flight reservation. He searches the page for more information; the plane left two hours ago from JFK and was headed for Athens. Not again, Stella.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa
Try and catch me now
Oh, it's too late
To catch me now
A/N: One more chapter to go. I'll try to remember to post it on Thursday. Thanks.
