-30-
Guinevere paced her floor of her apartment; the emotions brought about by that morning still a knot in her chest. She walked around her living room, hoping to wind herself into exhaustion.
'If I walk long enough,' she reasoned. 'My body will crave rest. Sleep will allow me some peace—somehow.'
She repeated the words in her head. She knew that her sleep would be plagued with images and remembrances of the past, but she knew those memories would not have the power to hurt her. They were from ages long forgotten, never to touch her again. What she wanted was escape from this age.
From this Arthur.
It had been difficult to walk away from him the moment he declared his love. For all the punishment she received in all the past lives they've shared, her heart still sang every time Arthur said her name.
There would always be great love between them, but she knew that she would pay dearly if she succumbed to his spell in this time.
But it hurt, oh, how it did hurt, to know that she would never feel his embrace again.
She had spent a year knowing who she had been—who she is now—without Arthur by her side. She was aware of his presence, of course, the Pendragon name still rang with power and authority, but she had taken care to be as far away from his influence as she could.
In the end, it had all been in vain, he still found her. And soon, he knew about her.
She paused in the middle of her pacing and stood in the center of her living room. Her heart hammered in her chest when she realized that they could never be together. Guinevere closed her eyes and tried to imagine her life without Arthur.
It would mean a life free of persecution; a lifetime free of what would start off as deep passion and morph into something twisted and dark. She could not allow herself to live like that any longer. She wanted a love that would never be jealous or suspicious. She deserved that, didn't she?
But all she felt was a deep, gaping emptiness.
She would never feel his kiss, his skin against hers. She would never hear his voice or know how it felt to wake up in his arms. The thought of living her life without Arthur was a pain she wasn't certain she could bear. The realization suddenly bore down on her and she fell to her knees.
For how long she sat there with her arms around herself, Guinevere could not tell, but as she raised her head at the sound of knocking on her door, she saw that the sun's rays had slanted across her floor, telling her that significant time had passed.
She walked to the door and looked through the peephole. Her heart nearly stopped when she saw that it was Arthur on the other side. As if alerted by her presence, Arthur stepped closer to the door and spoke clearly, his voice reaching her easily through the wooden divider.
"Please let me in, Guinevere."
The sadness in his voice broke something in her and against her better judgment, Guinevere opened the door and saw the man who now stood in front of her.
His clothes were still immaculate, but his hair was slightly disheveled as it he'd run his fingers through them more than once. But it was his eyes that made Guinevere gasp.
He had never seen them so pained.
She sagged against the door as her breath came in short gasps. She could never bear to see him hurt, that had been her failing. She lost so much of herself because she wanted him happy.
She straightened and gave him permission to enter. He came inside, closed the door softly behind him, and stood right there. Guinevere positioned herself in the middle of the living room, far away for him to reach. The air was electric with emotions and things unsaid. As if to seek protection from a mortal blow, she wrapped her arms around herself, steeling her emotions for whatever was to come.
"Why are you here?"
Arthur shoved his hands in his pockets and bowed his head. He was quiet for so long that Guinevere asked him the question again.
"Arthur, why are you here?"
He looked at her and once again, Guinevere saw the pain in his eyes. But she would not give in. He had hurt her, too, terribly, in every lifetime. He had not borne any guilt, while she lived with lifetimes of condemnation.
She was important, too.
"I accept your hate, Guinevere," Arthur said softly. "I deserve your scorn, your rejection, your saying that you do not forgive."
A sob threatned to choke Guinevere.
"My devotion to you wavered," tears pooled in Arthur's eyes as he spoke and he ran a hand over them. "I broke my promise to cherish, love, be faithful, and protect you—and I accept the punishment I am receiving now."
The sob she was holding back finally broke through Guinevere's lips as she looked at the man she loved more than herself. More than she thought she could ever love.
"You punish, Arthur," she spoke softly, her emotions making her voice tremble. "You punish like it's your right."
Her breath was starting to become labored, but Guinevere could not find it in herself to stop what she wanted to say.
"You have people fall in love with you; you let them build their dreams around you, but at the moment they stumble—the moment they stop being perfect—you cast them out and you punish them."
She saw Arthur close his eyes, but she still had so much to say.
"But you...you can make as many mistakes as you want and expect to be forgiven," tears were now falling from Guinevere's eyes. "You told me I was not worthy of you, of being your wife, several times."
She paused to take hold of her emotions.
"You remember war, battlefields, of hearing the cries of your men. Let me tell you what I remember: I remember being taken by force, I remember being beaten and tortured, I remember being raped, I remember losing my children, I remember being burned alive."
Her hands had curled into fists and her they bled where her nails dug into her palms.
"You may accuse me of being unfair, but where is my redemption, Arthur? How do I reclaim myself? What can you do to make all of my memories go away?"
She shook her head.
"I can't risk myself anymore."
Guinevere took a gasping breath.
"I love you, Arthur. I always will, in this lifetime and the next, but I will not be with a man who will declare love one moment and then rescind it the next."
Guinevere then spoke the words that broke her heart.
"I want a life free from memories of you, Arthur," she said softly. "You have never protected me so I will protect myself. I will save myself and...and you will see that I will not need you."
She looked into the eyes of the man who will always hold her heart. And Guinevere bowed her head, wrapped her arms tighter around herself, and wept.
