Disclaimer: I obviously don't own Kingdom Hearts. I wouldn't be sitting here writing this if I did.
Author's Note: I'm so sorry that this has taken so much longer to update than I expected! I've had a horrible case of writers block, or more like I just haven't been able to bring myself to write for some reason. I think I'm ready for the main plot of this story just as much as you guys are. After this chapter, no more journal entries. I promise.=) Also, this chapter would have been up five days sooner, but my family decided to take a trip to Galveston and I couldn't take my laptop with me. Once again, so so so sorry!!!=(
End of Chapter 17: Zack's Diaries Part III
Dear Mom,
I woke up in a hospital today. You wouldn't believe how cute my nurse is. He's got beautifully tanned skin and the prettiest silver hair. But I think it's his eyes that capture me the most. They're amber. I've never seen eyes like that. Yet I think I may know why they're so strangely colored. You see, I could tell right away that he was a Nobody…
Xemnas knew then that this journal was where the real answers were. He eagerly continued to read, wondering what Zack's final journal had in store for him.
Chapter 18: Zack's Diaries Part IV
Xemnas breath quickened and stared at the pages in front of him, unable to read any further.
Zack had known.
Somehow, this didn't shock him.
Yet, it was enough to make him rethink previous decision to continue reading.
'No, I have to do this.' Xemnas thought as he took a deep breath. If he didn't do this now, he knew he would never try to discover the truth again. Xemnas read steadily, starting from the top of the page again.
Dear Mom,
I woke up in a hospital today. You wouldn't believe how cute my nurse is. He's got beautifully tanned skin and the prettiest silver hair. But I think it's his eyes that capture me the most. They're amber. I've never seen eyes like that. Yet I think I may know why they're so strangely colored. You see, I could tell right away that he was a Nobody, the same breed of creature that has given my father power for so long. I don't understand how something so pretty could be related to the horrible monsters I figured they would be. He seems so innocent…
I can just hear Haydn telling me not to trust so easily, after what happened with Naoki. But I don't know, this feels different somehow. I think I can trust him more.
I should have looked into his mind while I had the chance, but I was too busy watching him to even think about that. He asked me routine questions that any doctor would ask (I teased him along the way), and then I asked him for his name. It's Xemnas. Kind of strange, but it's beginning to grow on me.
~Zack
Xemnas couldn't help but smile at the thought of the first time him and Zack had spoken. He never would have guessed what would become of their relationship in a few months time based on that first conversation. His hands fluttered over the paper in remembrance, more than a bit confused when he realized that the paper the entry was written on wasn't originally from the journal. The paper had been glued inside of the journal by Zack's precise hands. He could tell that at one time, when the paper was brand new, that it had lined up with the seams and corners of the journal perfectly.
However, the paper was now folded and worn in the corners, the old glue starting to lose its strength.
'How did I not notice this before?'
Why had Zack glued the paper in when he could have easily written in the journal. Was he trying to hide something that was written on the actual paper provided? No, that didn't sound right. It was his private journal. Why would he feel the need to hide anything?
Then again, Zack was turning out to be a person Xemnas had never thought he could be.
With that, he carefully peered through the thin sheet of paper glued on top of the journal's paper.
It was blank.
'Blank.'
Xemnas reached a realization.
He had taken the journal out of Zack's pocket the day he treated him in the hospital. Zack hadn't been able to write in his journal because Xemnas hadn't given it back to him the day he awoke. Xemnas sighed at his own foolishness. Zack had built up so many secrets in these journals that Xemnas was trying to inject his own into its old, worn pages.
Dear Mom,
I've come to notice that Xemnas gets flustered very easily. I really should stop messing with him so much; he's probably afraid of me now. I'm glad that he gave me back my journal today. Turns out it survived the last battle I was in, which is an even bigger miracle than the fact that I survived. Good thing there was nothing written in here besides battle strategies. If he got curious and decided to take a peek, at least there was nothing in here that could get me in trouble.
I wish I could get out of this damn hospital bed, but Xemnas said they probably wont let me leave for at least another month because of hospital regulations. I feel fine though. My wounds are almost completely healed. Why must demons heal so much faster than humans?
~Zack
Dear Mom,
I finally got to see inside Xemnas's mind today. He started asking me about the war, so while he was busy focusing on what I was saying and not on his own thoughts, I snuck in. I have to say, I'm extremely confused.
I could only go into his memory as far back as two years ago. It seems that he has no recollection of his life before that, which would make sense because of his Nobody status. From what I gathered, I found out that he was rescued by a man in the outskirts of this town, Rokugo, and was brought to this man's family.
I never saw any of their faces, but I did keep hearing a crying sound. At one point the crying stopped, and I felt a great sadness in some of the memories after that. I don't understand what happened. I wasn't able to find out anything else because Xemnas distracted me with a strangely worded sentence. (He asked me to take my shirt off, but the way he said it sounded wrong. Maybe I just have a dirty mind.)
I guess I'll have to find out more later. He managed to distract me again by poking and prodding at my waist. The poor little thing thought I was making weird noises because I was in pain. If only he knew the real reason.
He's so young. He's not even eighteen yet. (Disappointing for me because I can't legally date him yet.) I don't know why they would hire someone so young. He shouldn't even be out of high school yet. Is he? I haven't asked him. Are hospitals really so desperate now that they'll hire someone with so little experience? Sure, he's very smart and all, but he doesn't seem mature enough to handle the job of a doctor. None the less, he's doing much better than I would.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
My day started off as shitty as the weather.
I woke up very late, but I really didn't mind because I thought I was going to see Xemnas. It turns out he was late to work because of the bad weather, so another nurse had to replace him. A female, and a bitchy one at that. All she was told to do was give me my food! She didn't have to sit there and feed me! I'm not an invalid! She tried to make me eat meat! When I refused she started threatening me with a spork! (Haydn would have laughed even harder than Xemnas did if he ever heard about that. I didn't find it very funny.)
Speaking of Xemnas, he's the one that saved me from that awful woman. He got to the room just in time. If he had come any later I don't know what would've happened. Someone would have gotten hurt eventually.
After Xemnas managed to get rid of the bitch, I got to tell him that I'm a vegetarian. He even ran down the street to get me some really good food from a specialty vegetarian restaurant. It was nice of him; I just hope he doesn't get in trouble for it later. Patients aren't really allowed to have food that doesn't come from the hospital.
He also told me how he became a doctor, technically a nurse, as I found out. It was first and foremost because of a shortage of doctors, but the second reason is far more personal. He has no clue that he's a Nobody, much less what life as a human was like because he thinks he is one. I also found out that Xemnas was the one that Dr. Eiji smelled like when Haydn was in this hospital last year. He must have barely started working at the hospital when Haydn came around. I wasn't sure if it was really the Dr. Eiji at first, but through Xemnas's story and a later event I realized that I was correct.
Xemnas told me that the doctor found him unconscious on the outskirts of town and took him home to get him cleaned up. I started to get suspicious when I found out that the man who save Xemnas had a baby girl who mysteriously fell ill with an "unknown virus" and died shortly after. What's more, the very man in question walked in the room to examine me. I found out then that Eiji was the one who had found Xemnas bleeding in the middle of nowhere. That immediately told me that he knew what Xemnas was; a Nobody's blood is pitch black.
Eiji also mentioned that Xemnas hasn't bled once since, which concerns me because this man has no knowledge of the potions that could conceal his blood's color. If Xemnas were ever to get even the tinniest cut…well, I'm not sure what he would do. If only I could make it and find a way to give it to him…
It was also clear that Eiji knew exactly what I was; he didn't hesitate to mention Haydn when the subject of the orphanage came up. He said I can leave the hospital in another week. I know I should be happy, but I can't help but feel that I'll be leave something, or someone, very important behind by departing with this building.
~Zack
There was a short entry from the same day logged in a few hours later.
Dear Mom,
I forgot to mention one tiny detail earlier. I told Xemnas that I'm gay, and it turns out he is too! At first I was afraid that telling him would make things awkward for both of us, but it didn't. Now I have a better chance with him!
~Zack
Dear Mom.
I did it. Xemnas will most definitely be my boyfriend now. I left the hospital today, but I took as long as I could getting ready, hoping Xemnas would show up to say goodbye.
Sadly, he didn't.
I have to admit that I was extremely disappointed; I thought he was going to show up. For a minute I started to doubt that he cared at all, that maybe to him I was just another patient than needed tending to and that was it.
I started wandering the halls to see if I could spot him. I was about to give up when I decided to go check my room, for good measure.
When I got there I saw a very disappointed looking Xemnas turning to leave my room. I grabbed him and thanked him for everything he's done for me, and then, I kissed him. It was amazing, better than kissing Naoki ever was. I think that may have something to do with the fact that Xemnas's kiss was actually genuine…
I asked him out on a date. He responded by shyly admitting that he had never been asked out on a date before, therefore, he's never been in a proper relationship with another guy. He found this embarrassing, but I find it extremely endearing that he already trusts me enough to confide in me with that kind of information. It worries me that a Nobody so innocent and clueless about the danger of people and the world is wandering around practically all alone. It's unnerving. What if father happened to sniff him out? He would surely be killed and devoured. If I start making the Rikkido and Rokkudo right now, I think that it'll be ready for my date with Xemnas is a few days. Hopefully I'll be able to sneak it into his food or something.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Mission accomplished. I managed to sneak the potion into Xemnas's food and drink while he was distracted. Now I don't have to worry so much over the next month. I just hope that I'll be able to give it to him as time goes on. What happens if I get called out to battle and cant give it to him in time? What if they sense him and find out his location while I'm away? No one will be able to protect him…
On a happier note, my date went really well. Xemnas was adorable and I got to kiss him at the end of the night. I'd say it was a pretty good date. =)
~Zack
Xemnas found it hard to believe that at one point he was so unobservant that he hadn't noticed Zack sneak a potion into his food. However, he had learned from his mistakes. He didn't miss much anymore, and for some reason, he suddenly became very unsure of whether that was one of his greatest strengths or one of his greatest faults.
Dear Mom,
I feel horrible about this, but it looks like I'm going to have to leave Xemnas to go battle in a couple of months. How am I going to break it to the poor kid? We just started dating and I'm already leaving him for the war. (I wouldn't do so, mind you, if I had a say in the matter.) How do I tell him about something like this? I can't make any promises as to when I'll be back because for all I know, I may never be able to come back. (I could never tell Xemnas something like that though. He'd worry too much.) Then there's the problem with the potions. The idea of not being able to give them to him every month makes me uneasy. I have to figure this out.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
I told Xemnas that I'm going to have to leave soon. I could tell that he was worried and disappointed, and most importantly, nervous at the thought of what could happen. Yet, he didn't outwardly show me any of that. He pretended that he was okay with the whole thing. He actually smiled at me at one point and assured me that I would be okay and would come home safely. I felt like I was one of his patients undergoing extensive surgery or something. I also felt like he was only saying it to reassure himself. He's scared and that breaks my heart. How would he feel if something bad happened to me? I know how I would feel if it were him. Then again, if anyone dared to hurt him I would probably rip their head off. Xemnas is too gentle for that though. I can't imagine him hurting even a tiny, insignificant fly.
~Zack
Xemnas couldn't help but give a laugh full of bitterness at the last sentence of the entry. He had hurt much more than insects. He had murdered hundreds, maybe thousands of people in his quest for domination. How had Xemnas gone from the sweet innocent seventeen year old that Zack had met to the man he was now? How had he stooped to Zack's enemies' level in a matter of a few years? It still baffled him. He continued to read, determined not to confront his inner demons just yet.
Dear Mom,
Well, I leave in exactly a week. The past few months with Xemnas have flown by incredibly fast, and now I will have to leave him soon. It's a sad thought, but I guess the only thing I can do is enjoy the time I have.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
I left today. Xemnas looked about ready to cry. I miss him already.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Today was my first day back on the field. The battle was pretty simple. I hope it stays that way so I can go home to Xemnas uninjured. It's already lonely here without him.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
I've only been gone a few weeks, and I can't stand it. It's so lonely all the time. Maybe it would be better if the battles were more difficult, but they've seemed to become increasingly easy. At least I would have something to take my mind off of things if I had more fighting to do. Instead I'm out here fighting in battles that don't really matter. There have been a few times where I've wanted to take a nap in the middle of the battlefield, but somehow I have a feeling that wouldn't go over well. I've talked to Xemnas a couple of times since I left, but I still wish I could talk to him more. It's really ridiculous. I feel like I shouldn't even be here.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
It's been a month since I last saw Xemnas and I just found that I'm going to be able to go home tomorrow! I'm so excited. I almost called Xemnas to tell him, but I think I'm going to surprise him instead. I'll go pick him up from his last class.=)
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Surprised Xemnas like I said I would. It was amazing to kiss him and see his beautiful smile again. Another plus was telling off this bitch who's made life miserable for Xemnas ever since he started attending Kochi University. I know that you wouldn't approve of that kind of behavior, and neither do I, but it was worth it. Seeing the look on that girl's face when she realized that Xemnas had something that she wants but can absolutely NOT have. Not that someone like that would ever admit she wanted something that's completely out of reach. Stupid preppy bitch.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
I've been negotiating with my captain. He's agreed to let me stay in Rokug with Xemnas as long as I train. (In case anything goes wrong and they really need me. Yet, I don't see that happening soon. Things are pretty mellow right now.) Even though I wont have to stay away from Xemnas for long term battles, he says I'll still have to participate I the short ones. That's perfectly fine. As long as I'm there the majority of the time to keep an eye on Xemnas, I'll be okay. Now, I must leave you so I can get back to brewing Xemnas's potions…
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Just started training on my own today. It went pretty well. I think I'm going to start taking Xemnas with my whenever I can. I'd like to start training him. He needs to know how to protect himself. If I wasn't there to protect him and something bad happened I would feel like an idiot for not doing anything to help him. I'm not going to ask him to join me right away. That would only intimidate him. I'll provoke his interests for a while beforehand.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Took Xemnas with me to training for the first time today. He didn't say much, but he seemed interested. Hopefully I'll be able to get him to join me soon. The only problem is catching him at a time when he can come with me. Between college and his job at the hospital, he's a pretty busy kid. I don't want to distract him from the things that he finds important. That would just push him away. I don't want to risk that.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Sorry its taken me so long to write, but nothing really interesting has been going on lately. (Except for the fact that Xemnas and I have been getting closer as the days go by.) I also got Xemnas to train with me yesterday. I think he'll do pretty good with a bit more practice. He did pretty well for his first time, but he'd still be completely hopeless if anyone tried to attack him. (It's so cute watching your boyfriend when he has no idea what he's doing.)
Training him made me realize just how naïve he is. He may be incredibly book smart, but he doesn't know the true danger of the world he lives in. He doesn't even realize how close Rokugo is to being attacked. This place is like a ticking time bomb that could be set off by even the smallest wrong move. Xemnas doesn't realize the danger he is to himself by being a Nobody in this war. If anyone from either side found out…he'd be dead. The demons are looking for all the Nobodies they can find in order to devour them and gain more power. The humans want them dead because they've wrongly accused the Nobodies of starting this battle. If they only knew that so many Nobodies are completely unaware of what they are or that Nobodies like Xemnas exist. Nobodies that are kind, sweet, and gentle…
Xemnas asked me about my past after our training session. I hate having to lie to him about where I'm really from. What would he say if I told him everything? Would he still want to be with me? Would he judge me, or would he still look at me the way he always has? I'm not sure, but I know I cant tell him, at least not yet. Although, I feel like I'll want to tell him about my entire life eventually. Maybe when the war is over…
~Zack
'Well, the war never ended in your lifetime, now did it Zackary?' Xemnas thought sullenly, remembering all too well that Zack had died just before the war had ended.
At the hands of the enemy.
If that day had never come, Zack would probably still be alive today, and Xemnas may very well have remained clueless about what he truly was. He would be married, probably with children.
'But then you would never get to know the man that you're beginning to see as more than an ally or friend.' Xemnas's inner voice said softly.
'What are you talking about? What man?' Xemnas asked the inner voice, though he was sure he already knew the answer.
'Sephiroth, of course.' The voice said. Xemnas shook his head defiantly.
'That's ridiculous. I have no feelings him.'
'If you say so…' The inner voice mumbled before Xemnas shushed it by thinking of something, anything except the gorgeous silver haired man with piercing green eyes.
His thoughts immediately went to Zack.
Would Zack have told him what he was eventually? Would Xemnas have believed him? Would Zack have taken the time to explain what he was, or would he have kept him in the dark about it by continuing to change the color of his blood? It was all a mystery now.
'Not like it matters.' Xemnas reassured himself. 'Zack is long gone. No need to worry over things that can never happen.'
Xemnas flipped through the journal, finding an entry that particularly caught his eye. It was dated three months after the previous entry.
Dear Mom,
I went to the hospital to pick Xemnas up from work only to find that he was working overtime. I was a little annoyed at first, seeing as I haven't been able to spend much time with him lately, but found that waiting paid off. I was able to corner Eiji and talk to him alone.
I told him I know what he's done, to which he wasn't surprised. Then I asked him why he had taken Xemnas in, knowing what he was and how much trouble they've caused in the war.
Xemnas started off as a curiosity, just like everything else Eiji has taken home with him. He had experimented on dead Nobodies previous to this, but he had never seen a living specimen before. It makes me sick to think that he could have turned Xemnas into another one of his little toys in an experiment had he not changed his mind the second the boy woke up. He kept Xemnas healthy because he knew that the chances of having a living Nobody at his whim would never come again.
However, when Xemnas woke up, he was expecting to be greeted by someone who showed absolutely no feelings or emotion. Instead he got Xemnas, an innocent teenage boy with quite a few feelings. I can't say I blame Eiji for thinking the way he did; I had the exact same prejudice against Nobodies before I found Xemnas…
I'm not sure what to make of Dr. Eiji. Part of me resents him a great deal for going through the trouble of healing Xemnas in his own home with the intent of using him for his own selfish purposes. The other side of me is grateful to him for treating Xemnas with the kindness he deserves. So, all in all, this Eiji guy seems like he's part selfish bastard and part kind hearted man. I think he may treat Xemnas so well out of his guilt for what he's done to his family through his risky experiments. But that's just a little theory of mine.
~Zack
So he had started out as one of Eiji's lab experiments? Or, at least that had been the original intention. He had never thought that Dr. Eiji would do something like that, but now…
'Now I'm not sure of anything.'
Dear Mom,
Xemnas is really coming along in his training. He's been training with me for six months and he's come further than I ever imagined he would. He catches on quickly, and if he makes a mistake he gets right back up and tries harder and does better than he did the time before. He doesn't realize what incredible progress he's made, but I do. If only more people could be like him; the world would surely be a better place.
Even so, I'm still not confident that Xemnas will be okay if anything were to happen. I need to continue to keep an eye on him and train him. I want him to be as confident as he possibly can be in an emergency concerning the war.
I'm also afraid that I may be pushing Xemnas into our relationship too fast. After we were done training today, we started kissing, and things started getting a little out of hand. I was almost tempted to let it happen, but then I stopped it at the last moment. I can tell Xemnas felt let down, but I don't want to rush him into anything. He's too innocent; he doesn't realize what jumping into a more intimate relationship too quickly will do to him in the end. I would know all too well how much it hurts…I was about the same age as him…
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Tried to talk Eiji into leaving town today. I don't think he realizes the danger that he's in by staying here. If my clan knew what he knew…that he had a Nobody in his grasp…it would destroy all of us. He refuses to leave, even though he's putting himself, his family, and probably the whole town in danger by staying. All of this for a foolish reason: that he needs to stay here to continue saving people's lives. And the sentimentality that both he, his wife, and his children have lived here their entire lives. If they're not careful, it might also wind up being their early grave.
Although all of this sounds like a completely irrational decision on Eiji's part, I can understand why he's dong it. I'd probably refuse to leave too…
I'll have to keep trying. Hopefully my persistence will pay off for once.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Xemnas's technique has improved drastically, yet I'm still worried about him. If only there were some way for me to ensure that he would be okay…
I think it's time to call Haydn and do some research.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
It took me a few weeks to get in touch with Haydn, but I managed to get through to him. (Trust me, it was near impossible. Security has gotten a lot tighter lately, even for those in the military.) Anyway, I talked to him for a good three hours. (There's nothing going on at his base right now. They haven't had an actual battle in a month.) I talked to him about Xemnas, without telling him about Xemnas being a Nobody. (I can't risk the lines being tapped.) I told him about my little problem regarding his safety.
He's doing some research.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Both Haydn and I have drawn a complete blank in our research; I've been just as unsuccessful with convincing Eiji to leave. I don't know what else to do. I'm going to have to rely on Haydn for advice again.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
As usual, Haydn gave me the simplest advice that even a complete moron could think of on their own, meaning I must be much less than that for not thinking of it. (Upon telling Haydn of my discovery he claimed that it was completely untrue and that I was being silly. Sounds like something a smart person would say to an idiot, doesn't it?) Anyway, he basically told me that I should wait it out, give Eiji a while to think things through. He said if I keep pestering him he's likely to never speak to me again. Sounds like something I would do.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Xemnas and I have been dating for nearly a year and a half and its been the best time of my life. I'm going to ask him to move in with me tomorrow. I'm not sure why…but it just feels right. I think I'd like it if he lived with me. I think we know each other well enough to handle this. It will also help me keep an eye on him. I just hope he says yes. The thought of rejection makes me queasy.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
He said yes! He's already moved in with me. He's sleeping in our bed as I write this.
It's snowing here. It's a lot harder to find Xemnas when a bunch of people are playing in a field of white around Kochi's campus. Thank whatever gods are up there for my powerful nose. When I managed to find him I pulled him into an empty classroom and told him my proposition. He gladly excepted.=) I'm extremely happy about it…but at the same time… I can't help but feel like the worst boyfriend in the world. When I asked him, he thought I wasn't being serious at first and I let the worst set of words fall out of my mouth…
"Would I ever lie to you?"
I regretted saying it the moment it left my lips. Would I ever? I have! For what feels like thousands of times. If I live to see the end of this war, how the hell am I going to explain all of this to Xemnas? I can't lie to him forever. Will he leave me if he finds out I've built our entire relationship out of lies? I don't want to think about a life without him.
No, I can't think like that. If one thing about our relationship is true, it's that we both love each other. If that wont get us through rough times in our relationship, I don't know what will.
------------------------
'Try getting stabbed in the gut by an enemy soldier's sword.' Xemnas thought as he stopped reading mid-entry. Zack had lied to him the whole time they were together. Their love hadn't survived the brutality of the war. (No surprise, considering Xemnas's love wasn't real at the time.) An anger rose inside of him, more acute than any kind of fury he had felt before. Zack had died five years ago, but the idea that he had been lied to throughout the course of their entire relationship was brand new, fresh in his mind. Why would Zack not tell him about his heritage? Did he really think that Xemnas, as innocuous as he was back then, would have loved him any less, regardless of what he was? Xemnas shoved those thoughts aside and buried his anger as best as he could. He continued to read:
On a happier note, Xemnas and I got to meet Dr. Eiji's older daughter, Misa, today. She walked into the classroom that Xemnas and I were using for a little…follow up discussion. *cough cough* In short, it kind of scared the crap out of her when she saw us and got a little bit clumsy. (She took a table with her when she tripped over herself.) Thankfully Xemnas knows how to talk to people and calm them down, because I didn't know what to do at all. She seems more put together than her father, despite her inelegance. She doesn't seem like the type of person who would try risky experiments that could harm her family. She wants to be an artist. That comforts me somehow, that she's more interested in testing the limits or the art world instead of the limits of the real one. We need more people like that, people who can take others away from the horror of the mess we live in with their creativity. Dark times call for it.
Despite Misa's kindness, there's a strong sense of sadness about her, like she's witnessed some of the worst pain and suffering in the world. I believe she has, with her little sister being taken away from her so abruptly. Her grief follows her around as if it's a part of her own shadow.
Why does it always seems to be the young that suffer so much? Is it because we're the weakest links? Is that the gods' way of telling us to toughen up for an ever rougher ride ahead of us?
I had to deal with the scent of depression and regret around me all day because Misa offered to help us move. I'm thankful for her help, regardless of how maimed my nose is. We got twice as much done as we would have otherwise. Today was a busy, but successful day.
Oh, and Xemnas finally gave into one of my nicknames. I'm officially allowed to call him Xemmy.=)
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Got up early today and started moving more of Xemnas's (or Xemmy's) things into the apartment. We've almost got everything moved, which is amazing considering we started yesterday. We should have everything that Xemnas wants to bring in by tomorrow. After that we're going to start selling the furniture and other items that he doesn't want to keep. Then we get to argue about where all of Xemnas's stuff is going to be placed in our new home! That should be…fun…
Misa already offered to help us with those two factors too. We've only known her for two days and I already feel like we can't live without her.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
The past two weeks have been busy. Between getting Xemmy settled into the apartment and work I haven't had any time to write. Nothing interesting has been going on lately. The only thing worth noting is that Xemnas has finally made some friends. Him and Misa have been growing closer. It's been such a short time span since they met, yet they've already formed a friendship that is going to become very strong. Xemnas is not only forming a friendship with Misa, but also with her friends. They'll probably be out far past sunset. Part of me is glad; he needs friends like any other person. Another part of me is nervous. What if there were an attack? What if they smell him? (I know that's completely impossible because of the Rikkido I give him every month, but I can't help but be paranoid.) The rest of me…
The rest of me is jealous that I don't get him to myself anymore.
I know that it's selfish, but I can't help it. Despite my jealousy, I would never try to come between him and the time he has with his friends, even when Xemmy asked if I wanted to go with them today. I told him I was tired, which is true enough. I need to catch up on my sleep and do some more research.
Haydn and I still haven't found anything. No a single clue.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Today was Christmas! Probably the best I've ever had. The only thing that could have possibly made it better was if Haydn were here…I hope he's all right…
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Xemnas has been back in school for a while now. I don't know how he does it: works at the hospital, goes to school, does his assignments, hangs out with his friends and manages to have a boyfriend. I don't understand how he finds time to sleep when he has to fit no less then forty-eight hours into a twenty-four hour day. He's beautiful and amazing. There's no other way to put it.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Haydn may just be on to something…but I can't talk about it because I'm not sure yet. I'll let you know when I find out more.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
For once I'm glad that Xemnas is so busy. It gives me more time to do research without him getting curious. I'd really enjoy it if I didn't have to lie to him about anything else…
There may be a way for me to ensure that Xemnas is safe if, god forbid, I die and leave him to fend for himself.
I should be sure within the next few weeks.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
I'm quite sure that Xemnas is the most remarkable person in the world. He came home today after school and work and tried to take over my job of making dinner. I told him not to worry about it, and then we took our relationship further than we ever have. Not that we had sex…not completely anyway.
I fear I may have caused him to feel insecure; he wanted to take it further, and gladly would have let me, had I not stopped it from happening. He thinks that I keep pulling away because he isn't good enough, and no matter how many times I tell him that it's not true, he won't believe me. His mouth says he's convinced, but his eyes show his insecurities. Those amber eyes always give him away in the end.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
I think Haydn's plan may work. It will only help Xemnas if I somehow die…but it will have to do. I would be more at ease if I knew a fraction of myself was with him at all times. It could get tricky though…if Xemnas doesn't take that piece of me when I die…
It's a risk I'll have to take. I wish I could tell Haydn why I'm so concerned with Xemnas's well-being, but that would be a bad idea to do so over the phone. Haydn probably thinks I'm psychotic. Hopefully he'll be able to come over soon and see the exact reason behind my worries. Would he embrace my love for Xemnas, regardless of him being a Nobody? Surely he would…
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Haydn sent me the ancient spell book I need to complete my task. It's an old book filled with spells our ancestors used years before us. Yet this one in particular…I can tell that not many used this one. It's extremely difficult and most wouldn't have any use for it. I'm almost afraid to use it, but I know it's my only option if I want to ensure Xemnas's protection. I'll just have to practice before I go through with it…
~Zack
Xemnas was beyond confused. What the hell was Zack talking about? What had he mentioned in a previous entry? That Haydn's idea was risky if he didn't take "that piece of Zack with him?" What could that mean? As far as Xemnas could tell, Zack had not protected him since the day he flung himself over his body…a day that would stay ingrained in his mind for the rest of his life…
So what was this protection? Had Zack failed in his attempts at whatever he was trying to do? Had this so called "ancient spell" been too difficult for Zack to master, skilled as he was? Had he given up? That wasn't something Xemnas thought Zack would do. As he read the next entry, dated about four months later, he realized that he was right.
Dear Mom,
I did it. It took me four months, but I did it. If fate decides that I must die, a part of me will still protect Xemnas. I feel a little more at ease, but also a bit nervous. Not only for what I've just done, but for tomorrow evening as well.
I'm going to ask Xemnas to marry me.
I've already bought both of our rings and everything. I would have written more about it, but I've been so busy trying to get this spell right that I haven't had any time. I hope he says yes!
~Zack
Dear Mom,
He said yes! We're going to get married! I'm still trying to process it all. I can't believe that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with the man I love more than anything. I have to go now. Xemmy and I have already started making arrangements for our wedding.=)
~Zack
Dear Mom,
I wish I could give Xemnas the most beautiful, most extravagant wedding possible, but seeing as the way the war has affected every single aspect of life, that isn't going to happen. Every time I bring it up he tells me to stop worrying, that we're going to have a beautiful wedding despite the fact that it wont be a very large ordeal. He says he wants to keep it small anyway, just friends and the people we consider our family, since neither one of us has a real one.
Sometimes it hurts, realizing that the only blood relative I have is the monster who put this whole war into action. It hurts even more to know that Xemnas probably has a family somewhere that he'll probably never remember. Sometimes I wonder if they're still out there mourning the loss of a son that disappeared without a trace. I sit and wonder what that first day, that first week must have been like. They must have been a good family for Xemnas to turn out as sweet as he is despite all that he's been through.
~Zack
A lump caught in Xemnas's throat at the last part of the entry. A loving, caring family? He'd never really had a biological one. He'd been an orphan at a young age. He didn't remember much of his real parents; their faces and voices were a mere blur in his mind. He'd been on his own until Ansem found him. He'd come to see the man as his father, and the others as his older/younger brothers. Braig, Dilan, Even, Aeleus, and Ienzo. It was strange to think that the men he once considered his brothers quickly turned into his lackeys. His careless experimentation had destroyed his own life as well as theirs. He had shown his gratitude to Ansem by going against his orders and conducting experiments that the old man deemed "too dangerous." They were horrible experiments, and one small slip up caused him to lose everything. Some good job he had done to hold on to the closest thing he had to a family. He'd also done a splendid job at being a leader in the days of trying to complete Kingdom Hearts.
Regret clung tightly to Xemnas and was unable to repress it this time. He had felt the phantom of this emotion several times during the days of Organization XIII. This apparition of an emotion had been especially strong when he stood next to the five Nobodies he used to know so well, but were strangers to him after his mistake. It only got worse as the memories started to flood back over time, especially when it came to Ienzo. He felt particularly guilty for taking away the life of someone who had been so incredibly smart at a very early age. He was a mere child when he arrived at Ansem's. Xemnas's arrogant nature provided Ienzo with no say in any decisions made, even though he had been the one to convince Ansem to let them use the lab. Ienzo never had a full childhood because of his imprudent mistakes. What else had he deprived all of the others of? He wasn't sure if he wanted to know.
Dear Mom,
Xemnas hasn't been very happy recently. All of his friends are leaving for other schools or attempting to avoid the war. I hate seeing the disappointment and sadness in his eyes every time someone leaves. He just barely formed friendships with these people and they're leaving. Misa will soon be the only one left and she's going to be leaving for art school soon.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Turns out Misa isn't leaving. She wants to stay here to help out her family. I'm happy that she's staying, for Xemnas's sake, yet at times I wish she would leave. She'd be safer at an arts school. There are times when I can feel my clan nearby, bordering the outskirts of Rokugo. It's like they're circling it, sizing up the town and all of its inhabitants before attacking. I can almost feel the end of the Eiji family in my veins.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Talked to Haydn today and told him that his plan worked. He seemed pleased about it, but that faded as soon as I told him the clan was near. Eiji still refuses to leave, even though I'm sure he knows that the clan is close, with that strong nose of his. Once they realize that he's a descendant of our clan, or a "blood traitor" as they like to call them, they're likely to attack. If they don't want Eiji, than I don't know what they want. If they wanted to have a mindless killing spree, they would have destroyed everything by now. They couldn't have possibly detected my scent or Xemnas's with the potion…
It's perplexing, but I can't make any attempts to find out what's going on. The whole clan is surrounding the outskirts of this town. If I were to step just a foot outside of here…
Haydn could have come to visit this week, but that wouldn't be the best idea right now. The clan will probably still be here, and Haydn has no way to conceal his scent. I'm not taking any chances.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
There have been attacks going on for the past couple of months. The news keeps telling people that the wolves in the area are responsible for the attacks. The wildlife experts in the area keep saying that they're the only animals that could produce the kinds of bite marks on the bodies left behind, but I know better. Those marks are a distinguishable sign of our clan. There's no way a wolf would mangle bodies like this. Haydn's seen it too. We're both quite worried, and it's sad because they're starting to kill the wolves that they've placed the blame on. What if the clan starts killing people that are out there acting as pest control? So far they haven't tried anything, but I wouldn't put it past them. The only thing I can do now is make preparations in the event of an attack. I have no idea what they're planning, but whatever it is, I have to be ready for it.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
I've made arrangements so that I can have a friend from my base move Xemnas to a small town on the outskirts of Rokugo just outside the city of Kinosaki. We should be safe there. The only thing is…well, it's by the tree that our clan used as a portal years ago. Actually, it's right in the backyard. I remember father telling me about it once when I was little. They used it to travel faster to get prey. It hasn't been used in years. It's well known throughout the clan that a horrible accident involving the spells of two enemy clans hit the tree and made it impossible for it to be used as a portal. Nobody has been able to activate the portal since. I was uneasy about buying the house at first, but it was the only thing available and the only place I felt we would be safe. I'm going to cut the tree down as soon as I can if we have to move in. I don't think that there's any way to access the portal again, but I would feel better if it were gone. Haydn's going to kill me when he finds out…
~Zack
The tree was a portal to Zack's clan? Xemnas shuddered at the thought, seeing as the same tree was in very close proximity. But the portal was closed off, right? It had to be. Yet, even with this in mind, Xemnas had a horrible feeling that the tree might still be able to transport the demons.
Dear Mom,
Just as I thought, Haydn wasn't too happy about my decision on the house. If only he knew what Xemnas was. Then he'd be really angry. With Xemnas's status as a Nobody…if that portal ever started working again…we might both be dead before either of us knew what happened. But certainly the clan would never be able to find us. They wouldn't know where we were, and by masking our scents, they would never be able to find us.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
This is bad, very bad. The clan found out about Eiji's experiments…about Xemnas. They demanded answers about both subjects. They wanted to know where Xemnas and I were. How the ever found out I'm with him, I'll never know. When Eiji didn't give them any info, I was surprised that they didn't kill him on the spot. They must feel like the information that he possesses is too important for them not to get a hold of. They beat him pretty badly though. Just looking at the man's poor state made me wince. I couldn't help but make a healing potion for him. Thank god for our source for teaching us these things when we were still trying to break away. Speaking of our source, I hope he's all right…that he's somewhere safe…
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Haydn's quite afraid of the way our clan reacted to Eiji's refusal to tell them anything. If they want information from Eiji so bad that they're willing to keep their blood thirsty tendencies at bay, then it can only spell trouble for Xemnas and I. What's even more puzzling is the fact that they disappeared last week. There haven't been any attacks since the day they threatened Dr. Eiji. The media believes that the town finally has the wolf population under control. How little they know…
Haydn's going to visit next week. He'll finally understand why I'm so protective of Xemnas.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Haydn arrived today. His visit was…interesting to say the least. He got along with Xemnas fine; I was afraid he might now like him because of the things he felt for me in the past. After all this time those feelings must have passed, right? Why then, do I keep getting a vibe telling me that they haven't? Haydn and I had a discussion in private while Xemnas was cooking dinner, which quickly turned into an argument. I hate doing that. I always have. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he knew what Xemnas was right away. That and the fact that we would be having a long talk about it.
Haydn wasn't as surprised about Xemnas being a Nobody as I thought he would be. He was, however, quick to tell me that if I let my emotions get the best of me both Xemnas and I could easily be killed. The worst part is knowing that he's right. I've let my better judgement and defense weaken with my downpour of emotions. I always seem to get in an argument with Haydn when I know he's right. It's like I turn into this beast who's willing to say or do anything to prove him wrong.
That won't get me anywhere significant. I wound up saying some things that hurt Haydn a lot. When he said that I was being stupid for letting my love for Xemnas rotationally ruin both of us, I told him that he wouldn't know the first thing about love. I know it was wrong, but it slipped before I could even think about it. Then I saw it. That same pain that Haydn always tries so hard to conceal. The pain that only I can detect. It was in his eyes, his posture, his movement. A split second later it was one. He blocked his mind from me completely. He's built himself his own personal force field from me. He wouldn't let me see a single one of his thoughts.
The only thing that betrayed him were his eyes. Try as he might, I can see through every single one of his mind blocks by looking him in the eyes. Sometimes I think that he can sense this; when we get into these types of arguments he refuses to look directly at me.
His eyes told me that he cares about me more than any friend should.
What do I do about this? Can I do anything about it? I'm getting married in a few months time for Christ's sake. And since he refuses to open up and talk about it…
We have more pressing matters at hand.
Dr. Eiji still refuses to leave, even though Haydn and I can sense the presence of his and his family's death drawing nearer. What if they manage to extract memories from Eiji before they kill him? What will that mean for Xemnas and I? It's a chilling thought. All we can do is hope for the best. I hate feeling so helpless…
I also found out that my assumption of Misa being a closet pervert is correct. Haydn went through her sketchbook and found quite a few yaoi drawings. (Many of them of Xemmy and I.;)
I guess the only good that came from today besides that little snippet of information is that my fiancé and my best friend met. That, and the fact that Haydn has been moved to a base very close to mine, meaning we'll be seeing a lot more of him.=)
~Zack
Dear Mom,
The past week has been extremely hard on Xemnas. We've learned about the deaths of people who used to live here, many of them Xemnas and Misa's friends. It seems that many of those who left were safer here. Our clan has taken to attacking towns surrounding Rokugo. Somehow I have a feeling that we will be next. I've already begun packing our belongings just in case we need to leave quickly. The problem is that I can only pack so much without Xemnas noticing. If he sees packed bags he'll ask questions, many of which I have no answers to. If he sees that I'm scared, it will only terrify him. I need him to stay calm. If the clan senses his fear, then we'll all die.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Even with the fear of the clan attacking looming over my head, I feel that we're going to win this war. The signs are good. There have been far less battles, less of them being started by the enemy, meaning that they're starting to dwindle in numbers. Our side is finding it easier to overpower them, and fewer soldiers from our side are being transferred to hospitals. This also means less work for Xemnas and more time for us. ;)
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Every time I look at Xemnas I realize just how much he means to me and how much I want to start a family with him. I know it's possible for us to have children, I'm just not sure how safe it is. Dr. Eiji developed a formula to make it possible. I'll have to ask Xemnas about it.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Those bastards. They attacked the hospital in broad daylight. They must have known that Haydn and I were on the way to pick up Xemnas, knowing we would rush in to help. The upper floors of the building were covered in smoke and all but one staircase was blocked. I was lucky to find Xemnas at all in that mess. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to, that they would get to him first. Fortunately I was able to protect him from those monsters. I think I hid him well. I don't think they were able to see or smell him; the smoke was too strong for that. Xemnas was only a few feet away and I couldn't smell him at all. I think it'll be okay.
I couldn't protect him from everything.
The clan killed the Eiji's, all of them. Xemnas saw; it wasn't a pretty sight. In my haste to stop him from seeing what had happened, I grabbed his wrist so hard that it nearly broke. It's swollen and has a huge purple welt on it. I can't believe I did that. I had no right to…
I managed to get him out of the building and have him transported to our new house. Haydn and I were left to deal with father and the others. I'm afraid. He said he knows about Xemnas and I, that he'll be coming to kill both of us soon…
Xemnas broke down when I got home. At least I managed to get our things from the apartment before it was destroyed. I think having not only me, but some of our familiar material things was a comfort to him. I hope so. I want him to be comfortable in this house.
Haydn and I got separated from one another at one point during the battle. I'm not exactly sure when. He came to the house baring bad news.
He got moved to the frontlines.
The fucking frontlines.
How the hell is he going to survive that?! I tried to convince him that he shouldn't go. I even tried to go with him, but he refused everything. He just left me with one request:
"When all of this is over, lets meet on the other side."
We will Haydn. We will. Somehow I've always had a feeling that neither one of us will see the end of this. Which one of us will go first, I have no idea. However, I do know that none of this will end with the war. The clan will rise to power again eventually. Their numbers may be diminishing now…but I know that they'll come back. Maybe not soon, but eventually. It scares me to no end.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Xemnas feels uneasy around the tree. He must have a natural ability to sense what kind of dark things it has been used for without even realizing it. Now I have a reason to cut it down.
~Zack
Dear Mom,
Dear God, Haydn and I have made a terrible mistake. The biggest mistake that could possibly be made. Haydn found a book to translate the spell I used to protect Xemnas. It turns out we did something that could endanger the world. What were we thinking?! How could we have been so careless as to not translate the spell?! I fear that these may be some of my last moments alive. I can feel the clan drawing nearer. We don't even have time to run. They'd catch us regardless of what I do; they're too close now. I'm going to go spend some time with Xemnas now and try to act normal. This may be the last time I'm ever with him. If what the spell says is true, then my father will-
Xemnas was unable to read more. The entry ended there. It looked as if at least one page had been ripped out of Zack's journal.
'Who would have done that?'
Surely Zack wouldn't have ripped the pages out. What reason would he have? Had someone else gotten to this journal and read it before him? If so, what was so important about this entry that they felt the need to rip it out?
As Xemnas let his mind wander, his anger returned to him. He had been lied to. Not just once, but several times. Zack had told him numerous times that he loved him, but apparently he had never loved him enough to tell him the truth. Xemnas looked up at the sky, noticing that it was either very early in the afternoon or very late in the morning. The breeze made his hair tousle quietly, so calm compared to how he was feeling.
"Do you see it now? Why I couldn't tell you?"
'Haydn.' Xemnas thought angrily. A rage swept through his veins so suddenly that it almost scared him. Zack wasn't the only one who had lied to him. It seemed that much of what he knew about Haydn was just a big lie as well. It angered him to no end. How could they? What right did they have to keep this from him? He should have known from the beginning. Maybe if he had…
'Maybe I could have helped and Zack would still be alive.'
"You bastards." Xemnas said lowly as he stood. He couldn't forgive either Zack or Haydn for what they had done. Not yet.
Author's Note: Oh my, Xemmy is quite angry. But you guys can't blame him right? I'd be pissed too. Anyway, please please please leave reviews!! I love the support I get from you guys. It's wonderful.=) The next chapter is going to be back to the main storyline, and I'll make sure to add a bit of XemSeph goodness. Thanks guys! Hope you enjoyed reading!
Oh, It has also come to my attention that I've been writing this fanfic for over two years now. I'd like to thank everyone who has stuck with this story from the beginning, even if you were upset with me at some point for not updating faster. I just hope that the sometimes long wait for new chapters is worth it. Anyway, leave reviews in honor of this fics two year anniversary! XD I'd love to see what you guys think of this story so far.
