A Promise to Be Better 14

author: Raven Dancer

Disclaimer: All characters belong to J.K. Rowling except for the Drs. Barnes and Beryl. I receive no monetary compensation for these works.

summary: A session with Dr. Barnes.

Monday morning was spent carefully going over the entire meeting with Voldemort. Dumbledore poked and prodded dragging out every word looking for hidden meanings.

There weren't any.

All in all, Snape's original statement about being an annoyance and an amusement for the Dark Lord seemed the best synopsis of the entire encounter. Voldemort was angry, moody, still prone to attacking viscously any follower who displeased him. Even Wormtail, who'd been instrumental in helping the dark mage to gain strength, was treated with much disdain. Malfoy certainly held no favor.

The man named Gibbons seemed on firmer ground. Plus he was very interested in getting his message back to Dumbledore given his call for the watchers.

The Headmaster was rehashing the choice of Gibbons to return Snape to the Forbidden Forest when the Potions Master had excused himself and gone into the bathroom. He'd returned pale and dizzy.

"Just a little nauseous, Albus," Snape said by way of apology.

Immediately Barnes' words echoed in his head about the wizard being fragile. He'd been ripping apart the 'mission' more than normal thus pulling Snape apart by making him relive each moment several times over. Quickly he crossed the room and helped the trembling man back to the couch.

"I think we've gone over this enough, Severus. Why don't you lie down for a bit?" Dumbledore soon had his friend pillowed in his lap. Snape was almost gray.

"You can ask me more questions, Albus. Whatever I can remember for you," he was still trembling and Dumbledore pulled the blanket onto him, wrapping him warmly.

"You've answered all my questions, Severus. Just relax a little," with a quick wave of his hand he called over one of the potions Barnes' had left. He added it to some water and gently cajoled the wizard to drink it.

Slowly the tremors dissipated. Snape's color improved and his stiff body began to relax. Quietly Dumbledore carded his fingers through dark hair teasing out tangles. He'd bathed but he hadn't taken care of his hair. How had Dumbledore missed that? It was greasy, but normally combed out.

Dumbledore realized he needed to talk with Barnes.

When the Healer arrived at lunch he found both men still on the couch. Snape was asleep, curled tight against the Headmaster. Dumbledore was reading the ever-present mail.

"Ready to teach, Albus?" Barnes asked cheerfully. He noted the older man didn't answer right away, first setting all his work aside then resting freed hands on the sleeping wizard. H‹mmmm. The Healer's radar was activated.

"Have a restful night?" Barnes tried a new question, moving a chair close to the couch so he could examine his patient.

"Severus slept it through, no nightmares for a change," Dumbledore said quietly.

"I modified the dreamless sleep potion. Still get to rem but it quells any strong emotion," Barnes commented, frowning a bit as he read the unrest in the sleeping man.

"Any problems this morning?" the Healer pursued, noting the empty stomach and tract beyond. "He eat any breakfast?"

"Oh, he ate a good breakfast, actually. He just lost all of it. We were going over his visit to Voldemort and I pushed on it too much. He became ill," Dumbledore admitted.

"Worse still, when he dragged himself out of the loo looking all gray and horrible he told me he'd answer more questions, all questions," the older wizard whispered.

"He only wants to please you, Albus, and serve the cause," Barnes said as he pushed into the healed lung checking for weaknesses. Most things looked fine, he'd just have to get the professor to eat as soon as possible. Or rehang the glucose drip.

Shifting the sleeping man Barnes slipped into place as pillow freeing the Headmaster to teach. Dumbledore caressed the Potions Master's face. Animating, Snape flinched, then stretch a little and looked up with blearily. He recognized his friend and smiled a little as he began to yawn.

"Leaving?" he asked through the yawn. Both eyes now opened and rested on Dumbledore. Snape knew, by the energy feed, the younger Healer was tending to him.

"Yes, just down to teach second years," the Headmaster explained. Snape frowned.

"I should be doing that, Albus. I can go teach my classes," the wizard protested. Barnes quietly began soothing him, changing the energy feed slightly.

"Yes, I know, Severus. But right now it's more important you rest and talk with Jeffrey. Besides," and Dumbledore turned on his smile, "I'm enjoying teaching. It's lots more fun than reading and responding to the mail!"

Snape returned the smile, mellowed by the Healer. He watched as Dumbledore pulled on his outer cloak.

"I'll be back," the Headmaster slipped out the door and down to lunch.

"Well, Severus, maybe we should eat, too?" Barnes gently coerced the drowsy wizard.

"'k," the Potions Master agreed and with a little help got up off the couch and went to clean up for lunch. Barnes carefully placed a lunch order with a mischievously smug Dobby.

"Dobby brings Professor Snape's favorite fruit," the elf announced as he set out lunch. The table offered soup, sandwiches, canned peaches, juice and tea. A pitcher of iced water completed the setting. Both wizards sat down to eat.

Barnes watched Snape take several spoons of peaches. "I never knew you enjoyed tinned peaches, Severus," the Healer commented.

"Always have," he murmured. He ate a slice before reaching for a half of a sandwich. They ate in companionable silence for awhile. Barnes kept an eye on his patient; Snape was thinking about something. His eyes were hard yet distant.

"A sickle for your thought, Sev," the Healer teased, wanting to find a way into the private man's thoughts.

Eyes coming back into the present, Snape looked up at his doctor.

"Just an old memory," he started to dismiss it. But Barnes pressed gently.

"I would like to hear it. Maybe it will help us with your anger," the Healer said. He wondered if the Potions Master would answer or simply ignore the request.

"I was recalling eating tinned peaches when I was a child," he finally replied.

"I get the feeling this is not a very happy memory?" Barnes queried.

"I don't know, I mean, it certainly isn't bad, eating tinned peaches," Snape shrugged. Barnes reached for the tea pot and poured out fresh tea into both cups.

"Not bad, in and of itself, no. What was happening when you were eating the peaches?" Barnes directed the retelling.

Snape sighed. He realized the Healer only wanted to help him. Getting some of these out into the open would let him at least find out if what had happened was bad or good. He really didn't know; they were his only experiences of what childhood should be.

"Nothing was happening. My parents were gone, to some gathering or conference, for the week. I was five at the time I was remembering. They were gone often," he sipped at the hot tea, sitting back in his chair.

"People do that, leave their children to go places for a few days or a week? They were never gone longer than two weeks at a time," the wizard said reasonably.

"People travel. Where did your parents go so often? Was it part of their jobs?" Barnes asked.

"Dad was always looking for new potions to brew. He was in demand, you know. Famous for his potions," Snape said quietly.

"Who stayed with you?" Barnes asked off-hand.

"Stayed with me? No one. I took care of myself," Snape replied as he reached for a cookie that Dobby set on the table, whisking away empty plates and bowls.

"Really? No house elf or servant?" Warning flags all over that statement.

"Mother took the house elf with her. Father's servant traveled with him, of course. What does a child need with a servant? Mother said I needed to learn to take care of myself so I would appreciate servants when I grew up," Snape looked over at the Healer to see his reaction. He was brought up to believe this was normal, to be alone all the time.

Barnes was a very good Healer. He did not react either negatively or overly positive. This somewhat encouraged Snape to go on.

"I couldn't use the stove until I was older, but I could open the canned food and boxes. Plus there was milk and juice in the coldbox. I could get my own cereal and such. Sometimes the house elf left me cookies or cake," he smile at the memory.

"How often were you left alone?" Barnes asked in his most casual tone.

"They seemed to be off somewhere every week or two. You know how it is, home for a few days then off to a lecture. Father was in great demand," he said with a shrug.

"Well, I suppose your Mother spent a lot of time with you between trips, playing games or reading?" Barnes asked.

"Not really. She was always busy with something and I seemed to disrupt much of her work. I still remember being punished for being too noisy. I guess I was a loud child," he admitted with a shrug.

Why did Barnes get the notion this generally silent wizard had been just as quiet growing up?

"Now, Severus, you don't strike me as noisy," he said genially.

"I was. Mother and Father both insisted on it. I can't tell you how often I was sent to the closet for running amok," Snape wanted, no needed, Barnes to act as though this was normal punishment. He'd never told anyone about this, feeling it was shaming to his parents their child was so bad. The Healer didn't react to the statement, just sipped his tea.

"I tried so hard when they were home, to be quiet, to read, to stay out of the way unless they called me. I guess I just couldn't," words tumbled out of his mouth now.

"Well, were you more active than your neighbors or cousins?" Barnes asked for comparison.

"We had no neighbors, at least not close. As for family, we never visited them. My Father had a falling out with his family when he was younger; I never knew what had happened. My Mother was an only child. Her parents never came to the house. The one time I remember visiting I had done something, spilled juice and ruined the carpet I think, and we never went back. At least, I never went back," Snape was desperate for Barnes to agree he was a terrible child.

"What else can parents do with such a terrible child? I've always thought I was lucky because other children were beaten," Snape watched the Healer for a reaction, any reaction. He had been told constantly what a horrid nuisance he was, he'd never amount to anything, never be any good. He'd tried, tried so hard to please them both. Done his very best in school (and earned top marks across the board). But to his parents' dying day he'd never, never gained acceptance. Surely this happened in most families.

"How did you know other children were beaten? You said yourself you weren't around children," Barnes asked as he sipped some tea.

"I think my Mother told me, I'm pretty sure of that. Father never spoke with me directly until I came home from Hogwarts after my 7th year. He said it was Mother's job to see to me," Snape recalled.

"So, what did you do with yourself? With your parents gone so much? Were you scared? Lonely?" Barnes asked.

"I read a lot. All my Father's potions books. Mom had a lot of books, too. Lots of dark magic," Snape admitted.

"And?" Barnes now pressed a bit.

"I suppose I was lonely. I know I was scared at first, going up those stairs to my bedroom and all. Sometimes," he whispered, "sometimes I'd just sleep in the sitting room, if I was sure Mother wouldn't be home that night. I couldn't turn the lights on until I was older. It would get very dark with all the curtains closed."

That was a loaded statement, about his Mother, one they'd definitely explore later. Probably when they discussed his Father's assertion about her raising the child to begin with. Right now he had to work through the abandonment.

"How long were you left in the closet? Did your parents let you out?" Barnes changed gears slightly. As long as he could get Snape to talk openly about his childhood he would. Get as much out as possible.

"Never longer than the day generally. A few times over night. I must have done something really horrid, I think," he shrugged.

Barnes was now becoming angry. Leave a child alone in a dark closet for hours? Leave a child alone for days on end with no one to care for him? To make a child believe it was normal to be so alone and untouched? No wonder Snape was so angry. Hogwarts must have been extremely confusing and then try to learn all the social skills he'd missed! What an easy target for teasing. Top it off with knowing so much of the dark arts early on, in Slytherins and a loner. To people who were used to social interaction, used to having people around, used to affection and acceptance this one dark child was untouchable.

No wonder he'd bonded so strongly with Dumbledore. There was acceptance and affection. Although the years in school having all the pranks casually ignored or tossed aside must have hurt. He'd been raiËsed to believe he was worthless; it was re-affirmed by the only person to care for him. Barnes had a lot to think about, especially how to proceed with counseling Snape.

"Severus, in all your experience as a student here at Hogwarts and as a teacher, did you ever suspect other children were treated differently?" the Healer watched the wizard closely.

He was met with silence. Eyes slipped and were filled with anger? Self loathing? It was hard to decide.

"I, I wondered about it, a lot actually. Especially when I was a first year. But then Albus took me aside, when I got in trouble especially, and talked with me. I felt better after that. He always had time for me if I needed to talk," Snape finally admitted.

"What did you wonder about?" Barnes was sure Snape knew his upbringing wasn't normal but had learned to ignore that just as he ignored the loneliness and double standards at school.

"I don't know, maybe about brothers? And sisters. Not to be alone. And if they were put in separate closets. And if their Fathers hit them, too , when they weren't good enough," Snape flushed, embarrassed at his supposed inadequacies.

Barnes finally moved his chair so he was facing Snape and encouraged him to turn his chair also. The Healer leaned forward on his knees, looking at his hands for a moment, trying to gauge his next comment.

"Severus, this may be hard to accept, but most children are not locked in a closet," he began.

"Potter was. His uncle and aunt kept him in a closet," Snape said abruptly, begging for the Healer to agree.

"Harry was forced to use a closet as his bedroom. He was not treated all that well, from what I've heard. But he was allowed to go to school and go outside and move about even though restricted. But this isn't about Harry Potter, this is about Severus Snape," Barnes said firmly, hoping to derail the inevitable comparisons.

"He came to Hogwarts and everyone likes him. He has friends and," Snape stopped in his rush, his breath rushing in and out and heart beginning to pick up the pace.

"He is not you, Severus. We are talking about you. I am only interested in you," Barnes reached out and securely grasped the wizard's hands in his own feeding him energy to soothe him. Snape stared at their hands intertwined. Still for a long moment.

"I hated children when I first began to teach here. Hated their happiness. Albus would talk with me for hours trying to get me to understand what being a child was, teasing me sometimes. Try to get me to play with him. I could manage after awhile, kept to myself mostly and didn't interact with them except in the dungeons," he drew in a long shuddery breath.

"And then Potter comes along. So much the golden boy, so much like his father. Too many memories of his damned father and godfather. Remus I can tolerate, I have come to accept he didn't go along with most of the pranks and meanness. Especially didn't have a choice that night Black sent me to the shack to find him," Snape stopped a moment, then continued.

"But Albus worked with me again, helped me at least not act on all that anger. I think I could have done it, gone on until Potter was graduated and gone," Snape said.

"But Voldemort returned," Barnes said.

"Voldemort returned," Snape agreed, "and I had to try to help. I used to spy, I was very good. But too many remember Dumbledore standing up for me at my trial. You know what's happened. I snapped. I can't do the only thing I was good for. I'm not good for anything."

Barnes send a surge of energy through the Potions Master effectively stopping his line of thought. If the only thing he was good for was the thing Dumbledore was now denying him Barnes knew he'd be working with Snape for years.

"You are good, Severus Snape. No matter what your parents raised you to believe. You've done all that you can and you will continue to help Albus and the Light in many ways. You are wonderful," he leaned closer and caught the shaking wizard in a hug, pulling him tight against him. Snape was stiff for a moment, then latched onto the Healer and buried his face in his robes.

Catharsis is well and good, but after long minutes tears slow up and noses are wiped. Barnes continued to comfort Snape until he pulled back. The Healer moved to get some potions and mixed them up in the cool tea.

"I think, Severus, you can rest for awhile. You've shared with me a lot of old hurts and we'll talk about them more in the coming months," he smiled encouragingly as he touched Snape's hand before giving him the tea cup.

"I, I've never really told anyone about my parents," Snape confessed. "I never thought it really important."

"Well, it is important. You need to sift through it and think about how it's affected you. Make you aware of who you are and what your real choices are. You are a good person, Severus. We just have to convince you," Barnes nudged the cup and Snape lifted it, drinking deeply.

"Still could use some mint," grumbled Snape.

"You can reformulate it for me," Barnes returned equitably.

Holding out his hand, Barnes pulled Snape up and brought him to the lounge.

"You're going to be sleepy in a minute. Let me hold you awhile and guard your dreams. You need the rem time but I don't want you to have nightmares," Barnes explained.

"Ok," Snape hesitantly agreed. He was getting sleepy though, and he felt chilled. It was hard to get warm some times, especially in the dungeons and with the cold came the bad dreams. Just being warm was nearly enough to keep the worst of the nightmares at bay.

Barnes lie down leaving room for the Potions Master to crawl into, under the Healer's arm and snugged up to his shoulder. A blanket wafted over and covered them both. Snape sighed.

"I feel kind of stupid," he admitted.

"That's ok. You're a bit cold," Barnes sent a small warming charm through the blanket causing an appreciative moan.

"Sleep, Severus," the Healer encouraged. "Sleep."