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I stand outside Gamlen's house and wrinkle my nose at the odor that always lingers around Lowtown. I sigh and go knock on the door. I hear a crash and cursing. I suppose it's too early for him, perhaps I should have waited until the afternoon.
He opens the door and squints at me through bloodshot eyes. "Well look who it is. What do you want girl? You must need something crawling all the way here from that fancy mansion in Hightown."
I snarl at him and before I can stop myself snap out, "You have nothing I need."
"You were singing a different tune when you crawled off that ship and had no one to turn to other than dear Uncle Gamlen. I let the three of you stay in my home. Your Mother fussing about everything like she used to. Nothing's ever good enough for Leandra. I got you into the city didn't I? Where's the thanks for that?" He growls.
"You used us to pay off a debt so you didn't have the Red Iron trying to kill you. You probably wouldn't have helped us if there wasn't anything in it for you."
"Oh is that so. Maybe I should have left you to find your own way in then. There's other work you could have done… On your back with your legs in the air." He laughs.
I flinch and dig my nails into my palms. He stops laughing when he sees my pained expression.
"She made you do it didn't she. Leandra couldn't have everything just the way she wanted so she used her daughter didn't she?" he asks in a bitter voice. His eyes hold a note of sympathy though.
I shrug and realize I should want to defend my Mother, but he's right. We both know it. I'm tired of pretending otherwise, acting like that's not how she thinks of me. An award silence passes between us.
"Look I didn't come here to talk about her. I actually came to see if I could help you. Pay off a debt or something."
I wait for his response and wonder if Carver would have ended up like this…if he'd live. I tell myself he wouldn't that he didn't actually hate me. That it was just jealousy, that he felt I'd taken the place he should have had as head of the family. I'm not like Mother…
"You could pay of my debt at the Rose."
"Alright I'll take care of it." I turn to go, but stop. "I know you don't really know me all that well, but well… I'm not like her am I?"
He's silent for a while and I wait with my back to him. Clenching and unclenching my fists. I've killed people, let myself be used, stolen, lied. I have friends that help me and I help them, but I worry that I manipulate them. Fenris helps me even when I help the Mages. I always try to make sure he doesn't come on the missions that involve Mages, but… The few he's been on he still helps even though he growls the entire time. Anders came with me into the Deep Roads even though he swore he'd never go back. Is that manipulation or friends helping friends. Or in the case of Fenris…well lovers I suppose even though we haven't slept together yet.
He snaps me out of my reverie. "No. You have that edge and you do what you need to, but you're not like her. You care about others. You help people. She would never have come here to try to help. Hell I wasn't even nice to you, but here you are… No you don't have to worry about being like her."
I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. "Thank you." I turn back to look at him. "If you have anything else you need just send me a message. Use this though." I pull a seal and wax out of my pouch and hand them to him. "I'm pretty sure Mother reads my letters.
I sigh and he rolls his eyes.
"Typical." He actually smiles at me.
I turn to go and he stops me with a tentative hand on my arm. "Girl…Audrey. Maybe you could stop by every once in a while. Just to say hi. Let me know you're still alive and not being like her."
"Sure." I smile at him.
He nods and goes inside.
I head to my house to pick up some and smile when I see Fenris leaning against the wall with a book tucked under his arm. I hurry over to him and he slips an arm around my waist. He pulls my body against his and softly kisses me.
"Hi," I murmur as I kiss him again.
I feel him smile against my lips. He moves his hands and rests them on my hips. He leans back against the wall again and looks at me. I'm distinctly aware of the press of his hips on mine.
"You weren't off fighting Dragons without me were you?"
I laugh. "No I went to see Gamlen. Just to see if I could help him with anything so I'm paying off his bill at the Rose." I take the book and see that it's Hadriana's journal. I look at him.
He shrugs. "I've been trying to read it. I think it's the handwriting. It's different than a book."
"She has the writing of a madwoman doesn't she? Do you want to come in and I can help you."
He nods and I lead him inside. I freeze when I see Mother pacing in front of the fire. She glares at me and the glare hardens when she sees Fenris.
"Where have you been? We need to get you ready for the party tonight."
"I'm not going to the party Mother."
"I told Lady Millicent you'd be there. She wants to introduce you to her son. If you don't show up she'll be offended."
I take a deep breath. "Well maybe you shouldn't have said I'd be there without checking. I have a life you know."
"Yes," she frowns, "And everyone sees how you choose to conduct yourself. I'll never find you a husband at this rate."
I can't take it anymore. "I don't want you to find me a bloody husband. If and when I choose to get married it will be for love. Not for some petty status upgrade. I want you to stop making plans for me. Stop parading me around like I'm some prize. Like I'm property to be sold off to the highest bidder." I seethe and Fenris places a hand on my shoulder. I force myself to calm down and we turn to go.
"Your Father would be ashamed of you. You need to help your Sister."
"No Father would be ashamed of you. He would have hated what I did, what you let happen." I turn around and look at her. "He believed in freedom and love. He wouldn't want me to do any of this."
We stare at each other from across the room, waiting for the first sign of weakness. I won't back down. I refuse to take it anymore. I refuse to bend to her will anymore. I'm my own person, with my own life. I've provided for us and now that everyone else is cared for, it's my turn.
"No more Mother. I will control my own life from here on out. No more parties, no more matchmaking, no more dresses. I will live as I see fit."
She sighs and I can tell she doesn't believe me. We've argued and I've defied her before. Now she thinks I'll break later, like I always have before. It doesn't matter. I can't explain it, but this time is different. It feels different. This time I believe me and I feel free.
"Fine I'll go and make your apologies to Lady Millicent."
She brushes past me and leaves. After I hear the door slam I stand there my body quivering. I lean against the wall and a laugh escapes my lips. I can't keep the smile off my face and wonder if I'm being completely irrational.
He looks at me curiously with his arms crossed. "Are you alright?"
"I'm fantastic. Come on lets work on the journal."
He studies me for a moment. "Alright."
I smile at him. I'm so glad that he understands. That with him I don't always have to explain myself. I hope he feels the same way towards me.
Title from the song "I Won't Back Down" by Burn Halo
