Author's note. Never planned this second chapter, but I was inspired by the boys' return on screen yesterday. Would like to dedicate this to my lovely friends over at DS, who have been marvellous and hae been so encouraging. A big thank you also to a certain someone who's been very generous and made my day yesterday. You know who you are!
Syed slowly opened his eyes. The room was dark. Only a small ray of moonlight shone through the crack between the curtains.
"Where am I?" he wondered in a brief moment of confusion.
Then realization struck... "I am with Christian".
And a smile ran over his face. "I am with Christian".
As he listened to Christian's regular breathing, telling him he was still asleep, a feeling of utter joy spread through Syed's entire body.
He closed his eyes again, and let himself feel... Feel Christian's loving arms enveloping him completely, so strong and yet so gentle. Feel himself curled up against him, feel his head resting on that warm chest. Feel his fingers caress the soft skin of this beautiful man. Feel the slow and steady beating of Christian's heart, and the joyful fluttering in his own.
"What is it this man does to me?" , he asked himself.
"Just sitting here with him, just his arms around me, and I'm at peace. The whole world could come crashing down, and I wouldn't care. I'd die happy. Because I'm with Christian. There's nowhere else I want to be."
Last night, after their heart-to-heart, Christian had been so kind. The whole blackmail episode had left him so empty and exhausted, he could hardly remember a time when he hadn't been on edge, when he hadn't been scared. And without needing to ask, Christian had known what it was that he needed. As he usually did...
They'd just sat there locked together on the sofa, and talked... about everything and nothing. But mostly they'd just sat there, in silence. Nothing needed to be said. Just being together was enough.
There had been no expectations. No passionate kissing, no feverish tearing at each other's clothes, no sizzling melting together of their bodies.
Just holding hands, just Christian's fingers lovingly running through his hair, just Christian's arms around him, just his head on Christian's shoulder... Just holding each other.
They'd fallen asleep at last, and now, hours later, they were still like that. Just perfectly together.
"What is it this man does to me?" Syed asked himself once more.
He had known for quite a long time before he met Christian that he was attracted to men. But up to that moment, he'd kept it firmy and determinedly under control. Yes, he'd made a few "mistakes" over the years, but had managed to fool himself they were just that... silly on-off mistakes...
Then Christian had walked into his life, and all that had changed. Christian... with his confidence, and the ease with which he was himself and lived his life. So comfortable within himself. So at peace with the person he was.
Syed had envied him for that.
From the start, Christian's magnetism had been irrestistable. He'd tried really hard to resist, but it was no use...
He had wanted to be like him.
Had wanted to be around him.
And in the end, he'd just wanted him.
He'd heard of Christian's reputation of course, it was not as if he was very discrete about it himself. He'd smiled at the stories Christian told, but when his mother disapprovingly shook her head at them, he'd obediently disapproved with her.
Always careful not to let it show. To let it show that all he wanted was be part of that man's life. To be close to him. To bask in his sunlight.
He knew it wasn't right. He knew his faith didn't allow this kind of thing. He could be Christian's friend, but nothing more. And if he was honest to himself, he knew. He just knew he wanted more.
He fought it. That wanting more. And then he went too far. They had argued, and he'd hurt Christian's feelings. He knew it the moment the words came out of his mouth. He regretted it the second he spoke them. Then every nerve in his body told him to make it up to him.
And he kissed Christian. And Christian kissed him back.
What happened after that still sent shivers of joy down his spine. Sex with Christian was not just sex, it was making love. It was like that the very first time, and it had been every single time after.
And again he had fought it, fought against it like a madman, pushing Christian away, drawing him back in, then rejecting him again...
He'd spent so many sleepless nights, tossing, turning, praying, begging, but nothing could take his mind off Christian.
"What is it this man does to me?"
Syed mentally ticked off the list...
"I enjoy his company
and I respect and trust him.
He is kind and gentle
and treats me like the man I want to be.
I feel comfortable and right with him..."
His eyes flew open when it hit him... the passion and the chemistry between them, which could hardly be ignored, hadn't even featured in his top 5.
"There is so much more than physical attraction between us" he realized, "so much more".
It wasn't the first time he'd reached that conclusion.
He remembered the exact moment when he'd truly realized it for the first time.
Christian had been beaten up and he'd gone to the police station with him. Relieved that Christian had taken the step to go to the police, he'd had every intention to leave and go home, back to his beautiful fiance and his perfect little life. But as he was looking at Christian walking through that door, he found he just couldn't bring himself to go. He had to stay. Stay there for him. For that man that meant so much to him. And as he stood there waiting, he'd pondered about what all of this meant. Why did it matter so much to him? Why did Christian matter so much to him?
And then it had finally hit him. It was all so simple really.
He'd nearly told Christian, when he walked out of the police station, when he saw his face lighting up realizing he'd been waiting for him. But of course he hadn't. How could he tell him, how could he put it in words, when he could barely believe it himself?
When he knew he couldn't feel this. Shouldn't feel this. It couldn't be true.
But it was true... and every day that followed he'd felt the feeling grow stronger. When Christian broke down and was afraid to leave his flat. All the time when he was looking out for him, being there for him, holding his hand, and just quietly listening to his fears. When he'd managed to get him out of that miserable state, when he'd got him smiling again, brought him back to his usual self.
And then when the tables were turned, and he himself had been so afraid, so afraid of their secret coming out, and Christian had been there for him, so strong, so kind, his rock. He'd felt it then. That feeling that he wasn't supposed to feel.
And so he still fought it. With all his might.
He couldn't feel this. He wasn't allowed to. He mustn't.
But fighting it was futile.
When just a smile from Christian made his heart sing.
When just a word from him made him smile.
When just a touch lifted his spirits and sent shivers down his spine.
Fighting it was futile.
So now, as daylight slowly broke and the sun began to fill the room, Syed felt all his doubts disolve like the shadows of the night. Here he was, in Christian's arms. The only place he wanted to be. Happier and more at peace than he had ever felt in his entire life.
"What's the use of fighting when all I want is... this?" he thought.
He carefully lifted his head and watched the other man smiling in his sleep. He drank in his beautiful features like it was the last time he'd lay eyes on him. Then he couldn't resist any longer. Slowly he untangled an arm from Christian's tight embrace, and with the slightest of touches, he caressed that precious face.
"I love you" he said.
It was barely a whisper, only a breath really... and even if Christian had been awake, he would probably not have heard him.
"I love you, Christian"
He knew Christian didn't hear him, and it was better that way. He wasn't sure he would ever be able to say it out loud.
As a lone tear of joy meandered down his face, he slowly bowed his head and placed a feathery light kiss on Christian's lips. He then settled back into Superman's embrace. He closed his eyes, and smiled.
