A Promise to be Better 38
Author: Raven Dancer
disclaimer: All characters belong to J.K. Rowling except for the Drs. Barnes, Beryl and Gibbons. I receive no monetary compensation for these works.
Summary: Complications and Reconnections
The Headmaster sighed as he closed the door behind Hootch. He was glad Snape stayed asleep during the impromptu meeting. Dumbledore was very aware Hootch and even Sprout were not happy about their arrangement. Flitwick, on the other hand, held his opinions close; not giving any indication there had ever been a confrontation about Snape's residency.
Dobby was cleaning up the remains of dinner, so Dumbledore went into the washroom and prepared for bed. It was nearly eleven and he was rather tired. Snape was still in bed, in the dim light he could see the body curled around a pillow. Snuffling. Snuffling? The wizard should be fast asleep given the potion he'd had earlier.
Coming around the bed the Headmaster peered down, noting Snape seemed to be asleep, but was crying. Whatever he was dreaming was not pleasant. Knowing better than to touch first, the older wizard sank down onto the bed.
"Severus? Child? It's Albus. I'm going to come to bed now, ok? No need to be afraid, it's just Albus," he slid carefully into bed and tugged away the pillow.
"Albus?" quiet murmur.
"Yes, Severus. I'm just coming to sleep," Dumbledore assured.
"All right?" small voice in the gloom.
"Yes, child. I'm fine," Dumbledore soothed, now reaching out and touching Snape's face.
"Did you have a bad dream, child?" he pursued carefully.
"I guess. I can't remember," Snape admitted and allowed his friend to pull him over closer. Unashamed, the younger man curled against Dumbledore seeking protection and comfort. The quiet voice and soft touch was enough and he fell back into a deep sleep.
Snape woke to the sight of McGonagall sitting next to the bed. She was reading a magazine. He peered at the cover trying to make it out. "Teen Witch". "Teen Witch"? The incongruity of the scene washed over him as he twitched, long muscles in his back starting to spasm painfully.
"Severus?" McGonagall looked up, quickly stuffing the magazine in her valise. Her cool hands touched his face.
"Teen Witch?" he asked weakly, trying to ride out the pain. He felt himself turned stomach-down as those long fingered hands began to work over his back, kneading twitching muscles.
"I took it away from Ms. Parkinson. I suppose it should actually go to you, as her head of house, Professor Snape," she expertly ran fingers into the wiry frame as he groaned helplessly.
"Dr. Barnes has left your morning potion, but he wanted you to eat before you drank it. He said you'd sleep most of the morning," McGonagall duly reported as she tamed all the rebellious muscles. Relaxing, Snape hugged his pillow.
"Teen Witch?" he murmured, enjoying the pain free moment. McGonagall chuckled.
"One track mind. Yes, "Teen Witch". I was glorying in all the acne potions and I was looking forward to taking the personality assessment test. Maybe we should both take it? Hmmmm?" she could dish out as well as take. Snape just shook his head, hiding in the pillow.
"Well, then, what about going and washing up for breakfast?" she asked, tugging gently on his hair. With more help than the Potions Master realized, he was deposited in the washroom, then removed and brought to table by the feisty Transfigurations Professor. Beryl popped up and soon a bowl of oatmeal properly adorned with sugar and cream was placed before him; sliced cantaloupe waited patiently nearby.
McGonagall gently nagged him through breakfast. At least she did not pick up the spoon and feed him like Dr. James was apt to do. Once the cantaloupe was squared away a mug was set down with warm apple juice and potion. A little cinnamon tickled Snape's nose as he sipped happily.
Snape eyed the lounge longingly, but when he looked at his companion he swerved to the couch and sat down resolutely. Secretly McGonagall wanted to curl up with the Potions Master. The desire to make Snape feel secure and warm was strong. But the practical side reminded her he really was a private person and these tantalizing glimpses of him weak and needy weren't something she could comfortably act upon.
Instead, she sat down on the other end of the couch and pulled out her book and showed it to Snape.
"Lie down, Severus, and I'll read to you before you fall asleep," she offered. Snape pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and scooted closer before stretching out, putting his head just on her lap. Bemused, she glanced down at him.
"Comfy?" she trilled with a smile. He nodded happily pulling the covers up to his neck. Delighted Snape felt comfortable enough for this closeness she charmed the book open and began reading Wind in the Willows where she'd left off the day before.
As he drowsed, falling further toward sleep, Snape listened raptly to McGonagall's lilting voice as it rose and fell with the rhythm of the text. He felt a light hand on his forehead and then fingers smoothing his hair. He turned very slightly so the hand could continue to stroke him lightly. He fell asleep to the voice warming him and the hand comforting him.
After a time Dumbledore returned to his offices. He smiled at his two professors, Snape asleep nestled against McGonagall. The witch smiled slightly, color rising in her cheeks, as she carefully stood and tucked a pillow under the wizard's head.
"Anyone come forward?" McGonagall asked. The Headmaster shook his head.
"No, but some students skipped breakfast. I expect the news will spread and we'll know by lunch if any coins were found," he replied.
"You're not sure they're actually hexed?" McGonagall asked.
"No. As I told you last night, there are no tests that have been developed. The Ministry research team has not sent any more information. If someone has picked one up we will have to wait to see if that person becomes sick," the Headmaster lamented. He certainly was not going to have Snape perform the counter-spell until there was no reasonable doubt. The Potions Master was too weak to perform complicated spells needlessly.
"I will be off to my classes, Headmaster. I will stop by at lunch to see if anything has turned up," McGonagall said. She picked up her valise. With a wicked grin she pulled out a magazine and left it on the low coffee table.
"Teen Witch?" Dumbledore asked skeptically.
"It's Severus' to deal with," she said mischievously. Straightening her robes McGonagall walked out the door.
Snape slept deeply not waking until lunch. Jeffrey had come to check on him and was very pleased he had slept through the morning. The compulsions that drove the Potions Master to wake every hour or so were slowly being reduced and hopefully would be eliminated.
When Snape woke he again was faced with the strange sight of another adult reading "Teen Witch". This time it was the Healer. The ill wizard regarded Barnes sleepily as the Healer read the adolescent magazine with great interest.
"Any good acne cures?" Snape asked quietly. Startled, the Healer stared at his patient before guiltily tossing the magazine on the coffee table.
"Hello, Severus. How are you feeling?" Barnes asked, deciding not to comment on his reading material. It seemed the safest thing to do.
"Mmmm, a little spacey," Snape reported. "Could I shower?" he asked. He wanted to clean himself without any help if possible. Barnes smiled.
"Sure. Let's get everything ready and you can shower without an audience if you'd like," Barnes said.
When Barnes came out of the washroom (leaving the door slightly ajar) he found two professors seated near the Headmaster's desk along with a student.
"Jeffrey, you need to hear this," Dumbledore called. "Harry? Would you please repeat what you've told us?"
*Potter. Why was he up here?* Barnes mused for a moment then he glanced at the desk top. And the gold galleon.
*shit!* the healer cursed internally. He pulled out his wand and threw a quick silencing charm at the washroom door before sitting down next to Professors McGonagall and Lupin.
"I was out day before yesterday with some friends. We were playing quidditch before dinner. I saw the glint of gold on the ground and picked the coin up without thinking," Harry reported miserably. "Ron and I kind of wrestled over it, but I don't think he actually touched the coin."
"You've kept it with you?" Barnes asked quickly.
"Yes. I didn't think to turn it in,ΒΈ it's just a galleon. I figured it fell out of someone's pocket. 'Finder's keepers' and all that," Harry squirmed uncomfortably. "I've had it in my pocket since. No one else has touched it. I, I was going to give it to Ron for Saturday," Harry finished, referring to the pending Hogsmeade trip.
"It's a good thing you did not," Dumbledore said quietly. "We don't know if it's cursed or not."
"Someone may have dropped it," Lupin allowed. "No one reported loosing a galleon."
Everyone silently looked at the coin.
"Should we have Professor Snape perform the counter curse?" Lupin asked tentatively. This caused more uncomfortable glances.
"We don't know if it's cursed," McGonagall started.
"Professor Snape is very weak," Barnes put i!n. "I'd hate for him to expend all that energy if it turns out just to be a plain coin."
"Can we find out if it is cursed?" Harry asked. He felt rather queasy, mostly because he skipped breakfast to study for a quiz. The idea of being hexed and the idea of being cured by Professor Snape rested uneasily in his mind. He didn't want to be sick, but he also didn't want Snape to be drained. He still remembered how sick and still the Potions Master had been when he saw him near the forest several nights back.
Dumbledore removed his glasses and rubbed his hands over his tired eyes. "We can't be sure unless we wait a few days to see if you become ill. Even then we couldn't be sure since you might just have a cold. Being worried about being sick can sometimes make a person feel sick," the Headmaster said.
"Professor Snape is the only one who knows the cure?" Lupin asked looking hopefully at Barnes.
"He's taught me the incantation, but I need to see and feel it being done to get it right. Some spells need to be taught hands-on and this is one of them," the Healer replied.
"Then, I guess we wait," Harry murmured.
"I ask that none of you mention this to Severus, ah, Professor Snape," said Barnes. "I don't want him to have that worry on top of everything else. If you get sick, Harry, then we'll talk with the Professor and perform the spell."
Harry nodded, followed by McGonagall and Lupin.
"You're sure about that, Jeffrey?" Dumbledore asked cautiously.
"Yes. The situation won't change in the next several days whether we tell him or not. If we don't, however, he'll rest better," Barnes replied.
"Then we wait," Dumbledore decided. ""Harry? Let Dr. Barnes do a quick scan and then you can get some lunch," Dumbledore suggested. The Healer ran his hands over the student's head and chest before smiling and releasing him.
"Healthy as a centaur!" Barnes reported, grinning. With an answering smile Harry left for lunch. The Headmaster removed the coin carefully and placed it with the others on the mantel. As he moved back to the professors and Healer, Snape came out of the washroom.
*he's too thin; I can count his ribs from here* Lupin thought, watching the long line of the ill wizard's torso showing from the deep green bathrobe. He was busily toweling his hair as he walked out. Lowering the towel Snape noticed the gathering staring at him. He quickly slipped into the bedroom away from the prying eyes.
"He's looking better," McGonagall offered as the four adults looked back at one another.
"Yes, Severus is much better. Just needs to eat and continue to heal," Barnes said brightly. The Healer had plans for the afternoon hours for a little emotional healing while Snape was awake.
"Well, we best be off to lunch, Remus," McGonagall said with a sigh. With a nod, Lupin pushed up and opened the door for the witch. Jeffrey glanced over at Dumbledore.
"What do you have planned for this afternoon, Albus?" the Healer asked in his most "innocent" tones. The Headmaster regarded the younger wizard suspiciously.
"Nothing pressing," he hedged warily.
"Good, I want to work a little with Severus and you figure prominently in the proceedings," Barnes said with a broad smile that did nothing to reassure the Headmaster. Dumbledore sighed. He had a bad feeling about this...
That 'bad feeling' was a fair bit of divining. Barnes had gone into the bedroom and enticed Snape out for lunch. The enticement was an easy job as the Healer had ordered his favorite: tinned peaches and stewed chicken with dumplings. The Healer proceeded to stuff the poor wizard with the heavy lunch before giving him his afternoon potions soothe his jittery nerves. The long muscles, when the potions wore off, still twitched mercilessly causing minor discomfort for the most part although sometimes the firing nerve endings caused muscles to clench hard causing undoubtedly worse pain.
Drowsy from the food, but still awake, Snape was gently settled onto the couch next to Dumbledore while Barnes pulled a chair opposite the Potions Master, so close their knees brushed lightly. The Headmaster's sense of dread increased tenfold as he watch the Healer lean forward with a slightly predatory smile. Snape, in his lethargy, smiled trustingly back.
Barnes eased the Potions Master in with innocuous questions: How was he feeling? Was his mind clearing? Did his muscles feel better? Then the "real" question came: Did he want to discuss going to Voldemort?
Barnes could not have gotten a more distressed look from Snape had he struck him. The Healer leaned forward and captured the trembling hands. Snape's body language screamed flight. But he was trapped between his two friends. The Headmaster and the Healer watched as the Snape slowly withdrew into himself, emotional doors slamming shut in succession.
"We really should talk about what happened, Severus," Barnes prompted with gentle warmth, pulsing the frightened wizard. He managed to catch Snape's haunted eyes and brushed a warming hand over the stony face. He glanced quickly at the Headmaster and the older wizard knew his part.
"Severus, I am so very sorry," Dumbledore began humbly, moving a little closer to his friend. It was apparent the friend wanted to leave but could not, anchored by the Healer. Dumbledore himself tried desperately not to project his own shame. Reaching out he smoothed back Snape's long hair which needed brushing. Unbidden, McGonagall's disapproving look flashed in his mine. The Headmaster felt guilty, he should have taken care of this simple need.
Slowly the Potions Master leaned into the wanted touch. Trembling now seized his entire body. He loved the Headmaster, he wanted to be loved in return.
"Severus, I should have never put Sirius' word above yours. I knew better. I've always been able to trust you. You've never lied to me," fingers continued to stray over the trembling man's face and shoulders.
"You, you had to do what you thought best," Snape managed to get out. Barnes upped the energy to soothe the distraught man. He needed to face this, but he needed to know he was not alone.
"Child, I did not. I did not do what I thought best," Dumbledore swallowed convulsively. It was so hard to face his own cruelty. "I was stupid. I chose Black only because I wanted desperately to have back my memories. Memories that weren't real. Good times that never really existed because those times hurt you, too," Dumbledore did not know how he got that out without breaking. But it needed saying. He needed to face his own part in his friend's breakdown.
"Those pranks weren't funny twenty years ago and they weren't funny a week ago. I was blind, refusing to listen to you. I don't know how you can possibly forgive me!" the Headmaster exclaimed, finally turning away, his face twisting with grief. He'd lost his best friend. Snape would never trust him again after being so shattered.
*ME! I did this, not Voldemort, not Sirius. I destroyed the one person who's stood by me through all the blackest times these past twenty-five years. The one person who'd give his very life if I asked. Who did give his life away.*
"I, I didn't know what to do, when you sent me away. I couldn't go to Jeffrey. He couldn't stop the summons and he'd just get mad. I don't want people mad at me," Snape words tumbled out and surprised the Healer.
"Me? Why would I be mad at you?" Barnes asked quickly.
"Because I wouldn't do what you said I should do. I wouldn't face Albus. I just wanted everything to just go away. I wanted to hide in my dungeons," Snape hung his face so that the hair shielded him. Both wizard and Healer stared at Snape. They were only beginning to understand how completely trapped the ailing wizard had felt. Dumbledore carefully put his arm around his friend's shoulders.
"But you couldn't just hide in your dungeons," Barnes finally eked out, his voice tight with remorse.
"I just, just wanted to disappear. I couldn't do anything, I couldn't even get killed," Snape attempted to curl up and pull away but neither wizard would let go. " I came back from Voldemort and L-Lucius and tried to go deeper in the forest, but I couldn't. My body betrayed me. Firenze nearly tripped over me in the dirt," Snape mourned his inability to run away.
"You can't leave, Severus. I need my best friend," Dumbledore's voice quavered.
"I never thought I needed to forgive you. I know that you love me, Albus. It just hurt so much when you told me to go, to take care of the summons myself. I didn't know what to do," the wizard said, voice breaking in distress. "I went outside towards Hogsmeade, but I couldn't go there either." Snape's voice dropped to a whisper and both the Healer and Headmaster leaned close struggling to catch his words.
"I am so damned worthless. can't do anything for the cause, I can't teach, I can't ..." Snape's now sobbing lament was interrupted by both Barnes' surge of warmth and Dumbledore's gathering him up in his arms.
"Oh, child, I love you. I love you for you! You don't have to do anything to prove your worth. You are a wonderful person, I don't want you to do anything but be Severus," Dumbledore pulled him tighter against him, feeling Snape's thin body shaking. The Headmaster's voice lowered, to a husky whisper, breathing into the tangled black hair.
"Just be Severus." His voice broke as tears fell. "I was terrified I'd lost you, child. My heart stopped when I realized you'd gone back because of me. When I saw you on Firenze's back I knew I could never forgive myself for driving you away!" Snape suddenly leaned all his weight against Dumbledore as he wrenched a hand free from the Healer to clutch the older wizard's robes. The Headmaster was trembling now, driven by need to finish.
"You've always, always tried to do what I've asked you. You never refuse even if you don't want to do something. You are the most wonderful person, Severus Snape, and I love you so much!" Dumbledore's words burst out with such force that Snape pulled back slightly in amazement to look at the Headmaster. With a shaky hand the Potions Master touched the tears streaking his friend's face looking both stunned and amazed.
"Albus, you're crying!" Snape murmured incredulously.
"I can't help it. I'm crying because I've hurt you terribly child. I've lost my best friend," the Headmaster managed to get out. All the denial, all the horrible things he'd put his child through tore his heart again.
"But I'm not lost now, Albus, I'm right where I belong," Snape managed to get his other hand free and grab the Headmaster in a strong embrace, hiding his own teary face in his friend's beard.
"Can you forgive me, Severus," Dumbledore asked again, needed to hear the words of absolution.
"Albus, I forgive you," Snape affirmed. Dumbledore finally rested his head against the younger wizard letting the tears fall. They remained entangled, both crying, while Barnes pulled back.
The Healer, of course, was pleased his patient was finally on the mend. He'd get back to tending to his patient, back to pulsing nerves.
Once he stopped crying himself.
