Trouble in Mind - Erland & The Carnival

Trouble in mind / Trouble in soul / Won't you let your feelings go? / I didn't mean to disappoint you / I'm just sorry that I had to / Didn't mean to disappoint you / I'm just sorry that I did


Ow, my fucking head!

A jackhammer inside my head was stabbing at the bottom on my skull. It felt like it was about to crack in half, splitting right down the middle with many tiny fractures spread throughout the entire break. To top that off, my stomach felt as if I had boiling acid inside of it: eating away at its walls, sizzling and eroding. I guess this must be what a hang over feels like.

I struggled to remember why I was hung over. All I could recall was going to a party with Lauren. I then met some guy who gave me shots and some pizza. Then what? I pushed myself to see the blurry details that were in the confines of my brain. I knew they were there, but I couldn't exactly reach them. I strained my thoughts harder, eventually remembering seeing monsters and blood and Paul.

Paul! I had a bad trip on shrooms and he rescued me and took me to his house! Oh shit! There was dull pain in my left shoulder, but I shrugged it off as I tried to sit up, but was stopped my some kind of barrier. I attempted to pull my torso upwards, but failed again. What the fuck?

I opened up my eyes, but didn't really succeed in much. The room I was in was dark, except for the glowing numbers of an alarm clock that read 3 AM. Son of a bitch! If my mom finds out I went to a party with Lauren, then I'm in deep shit! And if she finds out I spent the night at a guy's house…I may as well write my eulogy now. I know other people are supposed to do it, but in mine, I want to tell people off. That way, they won't be able to get back at me because I'd be dead already.

Once again, I tried to sit up, and once again, I failed. I just rested my head back on the warm pillow and tried to ignore the intense heat it gave me. I closed my eyes, not paying attention to the way it moved up and down. I even suppressed the thumping sounds it let out.

Whoa! Wait one motherfucking minute!

I turned my head, and sure enough, there was a breath that warmed up my face. I closed my eyes to get them used to the dark, and when I opened them up, there was fucking Officer Paul Meraz holding me to his chest in his sleep!

That bitch ass rapist! I can't believe he would take advantage of a girl tweaked out beyond belief! How the fuck can that bitch call himself a cop?

"Paul!" I yelled. "Get the fuck up!"

Paul made no move to let me go. He didn't even show signs of consciousness. In fact, the only way I knew he was still alive was by his heavy breathing that was blowing right into my face.

I grunted and thrashed my body around, hoping to wake him up so that I could cuss him out. Oh, this man's going to get an ear-full once I get the chance. You don't just sleep with some drugged out girl so you can cop a feel! The least he could have done was take me to dinner first! "Wake up!" I screamed, moving only my forearms up and down, since the other part of my arms were trapped in the pig's embrace. I kicked my legs, managing to tear the covers off the bed. That's when I realized that Paul was only in his boxers, fucking spooning me! He had both of his muscular arms wrapped around me, pinning me to his bare chest that was sweaty and reeked of body odor that was all piney and musky. I gagged and pressed my arms against his chest to push.

I pushed so hard that it looked like I'd actually be able to get free from my stinky confinement. There was now a gap between our bodies that I could easily slip through.

Paul let out a deep growl, like that of a ferocious dog. I felt as his arms tensed up and pulled me back to him. His legs even wrapped around me, acting like a double-lock. Either this man is a heavy sleeper, or he's just really trying hard to piss me off.

I started to get hot in Paul's firm embrace. I know that I have night sweats on a regular basis, but tonight I'm going to be freaky stinky, like a skunk in the boys' locker room. I leaned my head forward toward Paul's shoulder. I figure that if hitting and screaming won't work, I'll use my mouth. I opened up my jaws and set them on Paul's broad shoulder, tasting the saltiness of his surprisingly smooth skin. Then I bit down hard. At first, I had trouble trying to close my jaws, his shoulder was so hard; but then I finally managed to. My teeth really hurt, but then I tasted the coppery characteristic of blood on my tongue.

Paul let out a yelp, like a Chihuahua, and jumped up, letting me out of his grasp. He stood on the side of his bed and felt his shoulder where I had bit him. He pulled his hand back and when he saw that his blood was on his fingers, his expression changed. It wasn't the mad and psychotic face I was expecting, but instead, Paul looked…pleased? He looked up me, longing very distinct in his brown eyes. A smile formed on his face and he started to lightly laugh.

"It doesn't work this way," he chuckled.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I snapped.

"You just tried to claim me," Paul answered, like it was some obvious thing I was supposed to be educated on.

I cocked my eyebrow. "Whatever!" I countered. "I was trying to wake you up!"

Paul's smile disappeared and a look of rejection plastered his face. His giant shoulders slumped and his head lowered a bit in shame. "Oh," he whispered. "I guess that makes since."

I just glared at him, narrowing my eyes. "Did you rape me?" I interrogated, deciding not to waste my time wondering if he had fun with my unconscious body.

A look of pure horror crossed his face and he turned red with rage. "I would never do that to you!" he all but yelled. His fists were tightly clenched and I heard him grinding his teeth.

I rolled my eyes at the drama queen. "Just checking," I said, walking over to where I saw my shoes thrown on the floor. I sat in front of them and slid them on my feet.

"Where are you going?" Paul worriedly asked. "It's three in the morning! It's still dark out!"

"I'm going home!" I snapped, fed up with his bullshit. I mean, maybe I should be nice to him because he took care of me in my time of need. However, he totally slept with me, practically being naked! Gross!

Paul turned red again. His breathing got all heavy and I watched as his chest heaved up and down with anger. He closed his eyes and took a few breaths before looking back at me with a softer look. "Hey, it's still dark outside, okay? So go back to sleep, and I'll sleep on the couch in the living room."

I nodded. "Sure." If Paul was willing to act grown up and compromise, then I can too. And when he falls asleep, I'll just sneak out and walk home. I may not know where my house is from Paul's, but La Push is frickin' tiny. I'm sure that within minutes I could find it.

A hopeful smile creeped back on Paul and he eagerly nodded. "Okay then," he breathed, sounding relaxed. "I'll see you in the morning. Sweet dreams!"

I just nodded and sat on the bed, laying my head down on the pillows.

"Aren't you going to take off your shoes?" Paul asked.

"Oh yea!" I pretended to be shocked. I pulled them off and threw them to the floor. "Thanks for reminding me."

"No problem." With that, Paul closed the door and I heard his heavy footsteps go downstairs and into the living room. I waited until I heard the feet of the couch strain and the contented sigh from the pervert cop. Then I counted down from two hundred, pausing to listen at every little creak the house made.

Soon, I assumed it was safe enough to sneak out. Even if Paul wakes up while I'm escaping, it's not like he can keep me here by force. He should know that.

I got off the bed and tip-toed over to the door. I gently swung it opened, tensing up when it let out a tiny squeak. Paul's breathing could be heard. It didn't sound disturbed at all, so I guess I was safe. I inched my way out into the hallway, getting a view of Paul's house. He had one of those stairs that when you reached the top story, there was no wall, allowing you to look down on the living room. Paul was there, sprawled out on the sofa. I saw that the red felt blanket he was using fell onto the floor. Paul's chest was extremely chiseled: he had defined pectorals and a six-pack that I could grate cheese on. My gaze even traveled down south to the bulge in his boxers. I couldn't really see it from far away, but the fact that I was able to discern it was there by the shadows it created proved to me that Paul must be frickin' hung.

Lauren's joke about me having sex with Paul reentered my mind. I've never had sex before…it just seemed kind of weird. I was a little wary about letting a man stick something he pisses out of into me. That and, no one really wanted to have sex with me. Except Paul. I bet that if I leapt over the banister and landed on Paul, he'd play along until we were fucking. But knowing Paul, he'd probably say or do something to piss me off during it. He'd most likely pretend his penis was an explorer and my vag was a cave that held some secret gold. Then I'd laugh, saying his penis was Dora the Explorer, and then he'd get butt-hurt and pull sex off the table.

That's how I envision sex with Paul: disappointing, short, and sort of comical.

At the base of the stairs, I sat on my butt and began to crab-walk down them. Feet first, then my hands: equally distributing my weight so that I don't make the steps groan. I briefly considered acting out the scene from The Exorcist when Linda Blair climbs down the stairs, but I shook that idea from my head. I'd make too much noise doing it.

When I reached the last stair, I stood up and walked into the living room. To my left was a door with a chain-lock on it. To my right was the kitchen. Paul was out cold, so I took the left pathway. I walked down the hall towards the door. I then gently slid the chain out of the lock and opened the door. It was pitch black outside, except for the sky which seemed to have an abundance of stars glowing in it. I have no idea why people decided to make yellow the standard star color; I was seeing yellow, red, blue, and even some green sparkles as I gazed at the murky purple sky. It really wasn't a black sky. I suppose people just shrug and shout out a random color when dealing with nature.

"Danni?" I heard a sleepy voice ask.

I straightened up and turned around. Paul wasn't standing up or anything. I couldn't exactly see him since the back of the couch was blocking my view.

"Danni?" the tired Paul asked again. His voice sounded as if he was on the border of consciousness and the dream-world. It was the state when you're laying in bed and think something's happening until you realize, shit, I'm only in bed.

I trudged back into the living room where Paul was staring up at the ceiling through cracked eyelids. I barely saw his irises, but the starlight that shone off them appeared to give his eyes a watery look. It was kind of pretty looking.

"Yea?" I whispered in a soft voice, trying to lure him back to sleep. I sat on the coffee table in front of the couch and stared at Paul's face. He had a sleepy grin on.

"I love you."

My breath got caught in my throat and I stared back at Paul in disbelief. My jaw dropped and I felt my mouth get all dry and my throat clench until it felt like I was about to cry. Did he really say he loved me? That's impossible! My own mom doesn't even say that! There's no way Paul Meraz can love me! He's an asshole who loves to torment me and piss me off until I think I'm about to turn green and grow to a humongous size.

"Thanks," I whispered. I then leaned forward and picked up the blanket off the ground. I stood and then draped the blanket over Paul's sleeping form. His feet stuck out and the blanket ended at the base of his pectorals, but at least it'll keep some of him warm. "Goodnight Paul." I then turned around and walked outside, quietly closing the door behind me.

I jogged down the dirt driveway and ran until I reached the road. Turning left, I jogged alongside the road, staying close to the trees in case some drunk kids drove by. It was only around three, so people should be leaving Mike Newton's party around now. Maybe I could hitch a ride with some sober person. Oh wait, they all left when Paul arrived.

It's amazing how he even managed to ruin my chances of getting a ride home inadvertently.

The stars acted as a dim light that guided my way down the road. There were no animal noises outside, which sort of creeped me out. Why would all the animals in the forest be quiet? What were they trying to hide from? I ignored my anxiety and kept running, hoping to find my house soon. Hey, even if I don't, at least I'll have a nice toned ass after this.

I laughed to myself at my little joke.

Ten minutes later, I was still on the road that seemed to be going nowhere. There was only forest on both sides and I couldn't find a trace of any light up signs anywhere. I sighed and sat down in the dirt to rest my feet for a little bit. My left shoulder was really killing me since I was swinging my arms while I ran. It throbbed and had a slight stinging sensation. I put my hand under my shirt to feel it and when I did, I felt a little broken skin around the area.

"What the hell?" I asked myself. I took my cell phone out from my shorts pocket and pulled the neck of my shirt down so that I could get a glimpse of my shoulder. I then used the light on my phone to get a better look.

On my shoulder was a bite mark. It was all scabbed over and a little red around the bites. Fucking Paul! He did this! That's why he laughed when I bit his shoulder and acted all happy about it. Could that little shit be into dominatrix or something? Does biting come off as kinky or something? In my fit of frustration, I tossed my phone across the road. I immediately regretted doing that the second I heard the breaking-noise of plastic and saw the light go off.

Great! Once again, my anger got the best of me! I groaned and put my head in my hands. I waited for a good fifteen minutes when I saw a light at my feet. I looked up and saw headlights approaching from where I had ran. I shot up to my feet and stuck out my thumb. God I hope this driver pulls over and takes me home. Maybe if I show a little leg? I laughed at the thought of tearing off my basketball shorts just for a car ride. That's so Lauren.

The car pulled up in front of me and my jaw dropped in horror as I saw the black and white design on its side. Paul stepped out and gave me a very pissed off glare.

"What the fuck are you doing out here and not at the house?" he growled through his teeth.

At first I was going to back down and apologize, but then I remembered something. "I'm going home," I snapped, straightening my back to show I was tough. "You can't keep me in your house against my will. You of all people should know that's against the law."

Paul smirked. "You're right. And you should know that minors, or persons under eighteen, legally must be at their house or indoors between the hours of eleven PM and five AM. It's three-thirty AM right now. So, Daniela Chapman, you're under arrest for breaking the mandatory minor curfew." He then began to stalk towards me, which was when I noticed that he was still only in his boxers. He must've gotten into his cruiser the second he realized I wasn't at his house. How did he know I left anyway?

I backed away. "Stay away from me!" I hissed. "I know you bit me. And I'm going to tell everyone so that you'll get in trouble for…uh." I didn't really know the correct term for biting someone. Oh well, I know that since he's a man and I'm a girl, the public will take it a whole lot more seriously than if it were the other way around.

Paul narrowed his eyes at me and his hands started to shake. "I'm going to tell you something you may not know," he growled. He sauntered over to me, his body swinging from side to side with every step. He took a tight grip on my wrist and bared his teeth at me.

"What?" I spat. "Are you…crap." My mind went blank when I had the perfect insult. Of course! When Paul's going all psycho on me, I have to be all defenseless!

A sinister chuckle escaped Paul's mouth. His possessive eyes bored into my body and he ran them all over me. "You. Belong. To. Me." Each word was coated with a darkness that made my soul cringe and want to cry. For a moment, I felt scared and considered running and screaming for my parents to protect me like I used to in kindergarten.

"Paul, you're scaring me," I said in a shaky voice.

Paul ignored me and pushed me forward. "Get in the car," he snarled. He left me at the passenger side door while he walked over to the driver's side.

As soon as he got in the seat, I bolted off into the forest.

"Danni!" Paul furiously screamed behind me.

I flashed him the middle finger and kept running into the forest. I dodged tree after tree and jumped over numerous roots. I kept running until my breathing got heavy and my chest felt tight. I just pushed forward, scared that Paul was running after me.

"DANNI!" I heard him yell out from behind me. "I'LL FUCKING HUNT YOU DOWN! MARK MY WORDS! I'LL GET YOU!"