I almost would say that I'd rather had James and Sirius abuse us than have been saved by Mulciber and his thugs. The lack of torture was nice, but being indebted to them was worse. I became more worried when Severus was spending less time with Lily and I, and more time with Mulciber and his growing legions and teaching them dark magic. He'd started to perfect several spells he'd come up with himself. Most deadly was becoming known as his specialty- sectumsempra, a dark curse which inflicted the victim with deadly cuts that would kill them unless the counter curse- vulnera sanentur would be used on them. Perhaps vulnera could be used in other purposes, but I viewed sectumsempra as a very evil curse that brutes like Mulciber had no business learning. I really feared their mastery of Severus's most deadly curse.
I tried to keep Lily as oblivious to Severus's activities as possible, but I couldn't keep everything from her. She hated Mulciber and the rest of his followers more than I did and hated their newfound interest in Severus. I knew that they'd already argued about it in the past from reading Severus's emotions. I feared that someday, their influence would cause him to unintentionally do something that was simply unforgivable to Lily. It was getting more and more complicated by the day and I feared the falling apart of the people I cared most about.
I don't know if audacity almost to the point of masochism was a Gryffindor trait, or only a James and Sirius reckless behavior trait, but one day James managed to catch Severus off guard again. I happened to not be nearby him, but for once, I managed to sneak up on him and Sirius. The two of them started to badger and taunt him about waiting for the right moment when none of his protectors were around, though somehow they left me out of the equation. I quickly realized that it was my turn to come to his rescue, but thinking about how to do it sent me into a panic.
As James was drawing upon Severus closer and closer, I realized now was my only chance. I leapt up in front of Sirius and James, drawing my wand out.
"Leave Severus alone," I said, my wand slightly shaking as I pointed it at them.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, runt?" Sirius said, dumbfounded.
"So baby snakey thinks he can save his big daddy snake, eh?" James taunted. "We'll just see about that,"
"Expe-" James started.
Panicking, I yelled the only spell that had been in my mind at that second. "sectumsempra!" I flicked my wand around James's torso as he screamed in agonizing pain. Cuts began to appear all over his body as he fell to the ground. Thunderstruck Sirius dropped down to help him.
Stunned myself, I dropped my wand.
"What did you do?" Sirius yelled at me, his eyes bearing hatred. I thought that he'd re-enact the beat down Avery gave him on me at that second.
Severus quickly moved next to them. "Move, brute," he shoved Siruis aside as he checked James status.
"You get away from him…" Sirius started, pointing his wand at Severus.
"Regulus may know the Sectum curse, but I am the only one who can administer the counter. I suggest staying out of my way unless you want your moronic friend to die," Severus said.
Hesitating, Sirius backed away.
"You are lucky that Reg was the one who did this curse on you, idiot. It would have killed you had I done it." Grudgingly, Severus started the vulnera encantation. Soon, James was able to sit up as the cuts disappeared from his body.
"Guess I'm not so indebted to you after all," Severus muttered, standing up and coming to my side.
"You could have killed him!" Sirius yelled, pointing his wand back at me. His enmity bore into my conscience. All the hatred directed at me made it almost unbearable.
"I didn't mean…" I started, looking at the ground.
"Reg was only protecting me," Severus said. "I guess nothing about ruthless Slytherins or ingenious little brothers at that can stop your love for giving yourselves a beat down. Twice in a row, now. We'll make sure to top it off even more next time," Severus taunted.
Sirius glared at him but still continued to direct his hatred at me. "Why do you protect him, runt?" He yelled. This time, he couldn't even control it and keep it in his mind. "You think he's your friend? You think he would do the same for you? He's a conniving Slytherin who would not think twice about saving his own neck. What have I told you all your life? Snivelus doesn't know a damn thing about friendship."
I looked at the ground, saying nothing. What could I say?
"I'd keep your mouth shut, dog," Severus began to get angry. "Unless you want to see what a sectum curse looks like from the one who perfected it,"
"Pads, give it a rest," James stepped in, putting his hand on Sirius' shoulder.
Wanting to berate me more, Sirius opened his mouth, but then shut it quickly, diverting his gaze.
"Let's just go," James said, leading him away.
With one final glare, Sirius left with James, but his hatred continued to linger on for some time.
Severus picked up my dropped wand and handed it to me.
"Thank you, Reg, you really saved me," he said, genuinely.
I looked at him. "I didn't want to do it like that," I said, quietly.
"I know… I know that you wouldn't want to hurt a fly with magic, but sometimes you have to hurt the pesky flies or else they contaminate your food."
"I just wish they'd leave us alone. They never learn."
"I imagine they're already scheming up their next attack," Severus sighed. "But good Merlin did you surprise them then," Severus smiled.
I returned his smile, just not as wide. It was almost funny to watch James' reaction as I pulled the sectum curse, before he was on the floor, convulsing with his injuries.
I remained quiet and contemplative for the rest of the night. I didn't believe what Sirus said about Severus not knowing how to have a friendship. That much was evident from his interactions with Lily, what I thought about was if anyone was capable of having a friendship with me.
Realizing that something was still bothering, Severus asked me about it later that night. "Are you alright, Reg?" He asked. I could feel genuine concern.
"Yeah, sure, Sev," I said, unconvincingly.
"Are you still upset that you damaged Potter like that? You know, he's fine."
"I know…" I said.
"Then what is it? Don't tell me you are upset over those stupid lies your imbecile brother said?"
When I hesitated, his eyes widened. I could feel a brief jolt of pain.
"You believe him?"
"Can we not talk about this?" I sighed.
"Maybe we should, if you think I'm using you for something and I don't know how to make friends."
I looked in his eyes. "No, Sev, that's not it at all. What would you even need to use me for? I'm a lowly, useless second year. And spending 5 minutes with you and Lily would not make anyone doubt that you are a wonderful friend."
"Then what the hell is it? You've been really upset ever since we got back here from that incident, despite you trying to hide it. And I can't figure out what is bothering you" I could feel his immense frustration. He really wanted to help me, but I wasn't being helpful. How could I even begin to explain to him? He wouldn't trust me after he found out the truth about my legilimency ability. Nor would he believe that Sirius conditioned me to believe I was incapable of anyone's friendship.
"Sev, it's very complicated," I said. "Can we just leave it at that?"
"Obviously you have some kind of emotional problem, and I'm really bad at handling those kinds of issues, so I guess we'll have to," he conceded. I knew that he wouldn't give up, though. It was clear to me that he would just send me to the one who would be able to handle emotional problems, and that was really the last thing I wanted at that point.
"Thanks," I mumbled, and opened my textbook. There were still about 50 plant species that I still didn't quite memorize.
An hour passed without Severus bothering me about what happened. Then when most Slytherins were going to bed, he asked me if I wanted to go to the astronomy tower and study with him up there.
"It's past 11 at night, Sev. Don't you think it's too late to go study astronomy?"
"There is a pretty good view of Jupiter at this time of year," Severus said, trying to convince me.
I sighed. "I know what you're planning and I don't want it."
He raised one eyebrow. "Maybe Divination should be your best subject," he said. "Seeing as you are so great at predicting the future."
I shook my head. "You don't really even know the half of it."
"Please, Reg, come," he tried to convince me. "You don't want to blow off Lily, do you?"
"How am I the one blowing her off, when I didn't even ask her to meet me?" I said angrily.
"I know… don't be mad, Reg, I just think that… you should have someone to talk to who isn't me."
I stared out the window. "I really don't want to blow off Lily," I said, finally agreeing. I realized that I would have to tell them both my secret. I had kept it from them long enough. I was scared of their reaction. There was a large chance they would be angry and not want to be with me anymore.
Severus smiled as we headed up to the tower. We found Lily there, looking through a telemosis device at Jupiter.
"Hi Reg, hi Sev," she said warmly. "You really can see Jupiter and its moons clearly this time of year."
Somehow, for a little while we didn't talk about me, but studied astronomy. Though eventually we made our way into our little study room. I sat at the couch to tidy up my notes when Lily sat beside me.
"Reg," she started. "Do you want to talk about anything with me?" She asked.
"No, not really," I mumbled, looking at my parchment.
"Alright, I'm not forcing you," she said, gently. "But realize that any time you need to talk about anything, anything that's bothering you, I'm here for you as a friend, and so is Sev."
I looked into her eyes. "Friend? "You're my friend? I'm your friend?" I repeated.
She looked surprised. "Of course, Reg, you are. You are very dear to me. I'm sorry that I did something to make you feel otherwise."
I looked away. "You didn't."
"I realize that Sev and I are your first friends. I don't know how I made that same mistake with you that I made with Sev. I was his first friend too. He was very shocked when I told him that we were best friends one day. I suppose that friendship for most people is something irrevocable, something that doesn't need to be acknowledged to know that it exists."
Severus nodded. "I never had a friend before I met Lily, so I was surprised that she considered me her best friend all along. You are our friend, Reg, sorry that wasn't clear. I guess it was clear to us, but wasn't to you."
My eyes started to burn and I feared that I would soon lose it. "Guys, there is something that I have been keeping from you, something that is important to know…" I started.
"What is it, Reg?" Lily gently asked.
"I'm a legilimens," I said.
"You are a mind reader?" Sev said, disbelieving. "But you have to practice for years and years to be a legilimens."
I sighed. "Not everyone. I was born a legilimens, it's an 'ability' that developed when I was a child."
"You know, I might have heard of that in History of Magic," Lily said. "Naturally-born legilimens are very rare."
"Yes and when the ability is naturally present it is… most potent." I said.
"So you know what everyone is thinking always?" Severus asked.
I shook my head. "Being able to read everyone's thoughts and emotions is not as great as you think it is. Especially growing up at my house. All the negatively drove me crazy. Eventually I begged my mother to take me to an occulemency expert. I learned how to block out most thoughts so that people's minds would stop trying to overtake my own. I managed to regain my sanity that way."
"So now you only read minds when you want to?" Lily asked.
"I try not to do it at all. Peoples' minds are their own, private sanctuaries. If I could, I would keep out all together. I did manage to keep away most thoughts, however, even as I mastered occulemency, my professor told me that my legilimens ability was so strong, that I could never fully block out everyone's thoughts. Whenever anyone has a particularly strong emotion, I always feel it. Immense joy, sadness, anger, hatred… you name it, anytime there is any kind of potency, I always feel it. Strong thoughts do carry across, but it seems like I'm more of an empath than anything."
"I see…" Lily said, contemplating this. "Why do you keep it secret from everyone?" She finally asked.
"You know that I don't like attention as it is," I explained. "If everyone knew, I would have a lot of unwanted attention on me. Also, people would fear me. Even if they knew I could only sense strong emotions, they would constantly be in fear of me trying to read their most secret thoughts. That is not something I want to live with."
"I understand…" Lily said. "It does explain some unusual things about you," she smiled. "Thank you for entrusting us with your secret now," she said.
"We won't share it with anyone," Severus concurred.
"You aren't upset with me?" I asked
She shook her head. "It's unfortunate you felt that you had to keep this giant secret from us. And it's more unfortunate that you doubted our friendship all this time, but now that the cat is out of the bag, I hope it will inspire you to trust us more.
I looked at my hands. "It's not that I don't trust you, I do. I just…" I sighed. "You're going to think I'm really stupid for listening to Sirius all this time, but all my life, I've only heard one thing from him. That no one could possibly like me, that no one would ever want to be my friend. He said that our house elf, Kreacher, was the closest thing to a friend that I would ever have. Still here, he keeps saying that Sev isn't really a friend and he just is using me. I know that he isn't using me, but I really didn't think that either of you considered me a friend."
"Sirius is a dirtbag," Lily said angrily. "No, you should not have listened to him, but that's all you knew. He was wrong, and has been wrong all along. Reg, listen," she said, taking my hand. "I never thought that there would be anyone to fit into our friendship that Sev and I have. But when we met you, our pair turned into a trio, and we really couldn't be happier. You are the kindest, most compassionate person I have met, and I really am honored to know you, and to be your friend. You are more than worthy of our friendship."
I looked at her and I knew that her words could not be more genuine.
"Lily is right, Reg," Severus said. "I'm really happy that you fit in with us so well, you are truly a great friend."
I nodded. "I don't really know how I would be like if you hadn't saved me from Mulciber that first day we met. I would just be infinitely lonelier," I said to Severus.
"Listen, Reg. You are a legilimens, so you can read my mind if you wanted to, right?" She asked.
"Well yes, but…"
"So I want you to. I give you permission to barrage into my mind and see just how much you mean to me," she said.
"I don't know, Lily…. The mind is a very private place…" I started.
She shook her head. "But I give you permission. I want you to see for yourself," she insisted.
"You can go into mine too, Reg," Severus agreed.
"Are you sure about this?" I asked.
"We insist. Our minds are an open door for you to enter," she smiled. "So don't be shy, make yourself at home…"
"Alright… " Reaching into their minds, even if guarded would have been no problem for me, but considering they left them completely open for my entrance made it very easy for me to feel their thoughts with them hardly noticing I was connected. Immediately when I made the link, I found an overwhelming sensation of warmness and safety. It permeated not only my mind, but every crevice of my body and even my soul. I had never felt this before, the only time I had experienced anything close to it was when Severus and Lily were interacting. It was always a constant flow of warmness and security that existed between them and would never truly fade. Suddenly it hit me, this was love. Though this time, instead of it being directed at each other, it was directed at me. No one had ever had those kinds of emotions for me before, and being connected to them made it all the more overwhelming.
The next minute was a blur as I was unable to maintain the connection and somehow found myself sobbing on Lily's chest as she held me, protectively. While I was no longer connected, I still felt the strong emotions centered at me while she held me and it was too overwhelming. I cried and cried, clutching at the bottom of her blouse as she gently rocked me and stroked my hair. I could still hear her thoughts as she held me which was I love you, Regulus. I love you very much. I must have cried for half an hour before I ran out of tears and just let myself be held by her.
Eventually I sat up and tried to wipe the remaining tears from my face. She helped me and I smiled a little. "I'm sorry, guys," I mumbled.
"Nothing to be sorry about, mate," Severus said. "Merlin knows I've used Lily for this same purpose in the past," he admitted.
I was worried that he would be jealous that she was so close to be, but I could feel no such emotions. It was only a deep sense of empathy, as if he knew exactly how I felt and he had been through something very similar before.
"Reg, this is good. You're letting go," she said. "You've finally realized that Sirius has been selling you complete bollocks for years, and that's very good. You can finally start to heal."
I nodded. "Thank you."
"We're your friends, we love you. We're just glad it's clear to you now," Lily said.
"We'll always be here for you," Severus agreed.
We sat there quietly for another few minutes until Lily mentioned just how late it was. "We really should get going to bed. Imagine Filch when he finds us wandering the halls at this hour," she said.
"Let's cast some invisibility charms," Sev said. We cast the charms, said our goodnights and soon found ourselves in bed.
"Goodnight, Sev," I said, sleepily.
"Night, Reg," he replied
Exhausted, I fell asleep very quickly. That night's catharsis would be a new beginning for me. Love was a new emotion that I wasn't used to. However, really quickly it became the best feeling in the world and I could not be more grateful to Lily and Severus for letting me into their minds.
Authors Note
Well this is really the chapter that I wrote this fic for. I do have some other chapters I could write, but not having any comments is a little discouraging. I hope that some of you like what I've written and give any kind of feedback : ).
