Jaeh - Hm, so Riley's going home now, I think. Is he?
Lori - Thanks for the reviews :D Please stay tuned for more angst if that is what you so desire. For those of you wondering, the title is part of the funeral prayer (that starts ashes to ashes, dust to dust). The line is "in sure and certain hope of the resurrection".
((To Golden-Heart: You really need to get an account on here -_- But in answer to your question no it doesn't offend us, being that me and Jaeh are both Christians too :P Although I'm, shall we say, having some struggles. But yeah thanks for your great reviews I don't mind that they are long reviews, long reviews are my favorite kind :P))
A few days later Riley was discharged from the hospital. He was given prescriptions for at least four different painkillers and felt drugged up to his eyeballs the majority of the time. Riley was excited to leave the hospital. He was tired of the sterile room, the smell of antiseptic, the scratchy sheets, but mostly the constant touching. Not only from the doctors but also his friends. He knew they were concerned about his physical and mental health, but did they really have to touch him?
But that wasn't the worst of it. He hated feeling so helpless and scared. He hated feeling every wound pressing dully into his skin…. He hated feeling like he wanted to scream. Especially seeing the wounds on his legs and thighs. He didn't remember Devin giving those to him… he wasn't sure if that was good or bad.
Getting his clothes back on had been a painful and embarrassing task. He refused help from anyonehating the fact that he needed help getting dressed. I'm not a baby. They don't need to do things for me. That was when Abigail gave his missing Converse shoes back. He didn't know how she found them, but it almost felt like being reunited with old friends. Riley shivered, remembering Devin removing them, along with his socks. He couldn't wear one of them because of the cuts on his foot. That was another thing, all the reminders, and all the flashbacks. Riley couldn't feel a twinge of pain without thinking about how Devin hurt him there.
Riley pushed those dark thoughts away. I'm leaving here, I'm going home. Maybe now things can go back to normal… he sighed. Who the hell do you think you're kidding Riley Poole? Nothing will ever be normal again. Riley slumped in a chair, waiting for Ben to finish talking with a doctor. Well, technically he wasn't going home. Ben and Abigail insisted that he stay at their house for a while and Riley didn't put up much of an argument. The truth was, the thought of being alone petrified him. Especially in my apartment, where Devin…
"Riley?"
Riley jerked out of his thoughts and glared at Abigail. "What."
Abigail looked at him for a long moment. Riley sighed in annoyance. "Is looking at me in concern your favorite pastime now?" he snapped.
"I didn't say anything, Riley," She pointed out with a frown.
"Yeah well, you looked it and you thought it. Can't you stop asking questions for a minute?!"
Abigail looked hurt and Riley regretted snapping at her. They sat there in a minute of silence. He sighed again and his blue eyes flicked to her guiltily. "I'm… I'm sorry Abby," he apologized softly. "You're just trying to help…. And I'm being a jerk."
Abigail reached over and took his hand. "It's okay Riley… you're upset. I don't know how you're holding it together so well right now. I know I wouldn't be able to handle this half as well as you."
Riley stared at the ground and squeezed Abigail's hand. "Thanks," he whispered hoarsely.
"You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. I mean…" Abigail smiled a little. "You've been tagging along with Ben on his treasure hunts longer than I have…" She grinned when the comment elicited a small smile from Riley.
"Yeah… but I'm not married to him. How do you deal with him twenty-four/seven?" Riley shook his head in bemusement.
"Just a lot of practice," Abigail answered with a smile.
A few more minutes went by and Riley and Abigail bantered about the hospital food. It was nice to talk about something mindless for once. Riley honestly didn't know what he would do without her. For all the times the fought and squabbled, he thought of her as a sister.
Dr. Spencer and Ben walked up to them. Ben took a seat next to Abigail, glancing briefly at Riley. "All right, Riley," Dr. Spencer said kindly. "I'm leaving you with your prescriptions. I suggest you keep off your feet for a while…. Too much activity will aggravate the wounds."
"Thanks doc," Riley said shortly.
"You have some great friends, Riley. Don't be afraid to ask them for help."
Riley's lips twitched and he stared at the wall. "Yeah," he answered quietly.
Riley insisted on driving. It wasn't his car but he wanted to drive. He wasn't even sure why he was so adamant about it. Maybe so he could prove he could still do something normal.
"The doctor just said not to exert yourself," Ben frowned. Riley rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, then winced as he brushed against his cuts. "Ben, I'm sitting in a chair and slightly pressing my foot down on the brake and accelerator."
"Not you, Riley. The way you drive," Ben pointed out. "I don't want my car having a four inch dent in the bumper." Ben tried to make his tone light but it was obvious he was more worried about Riley's well being than the car's.
"I'll be careful. I promise." Riley said imploringly.
"Let him drive, Ben." Abigail glanced at her boyfriend. "He's been in the hospital for a while. Who knows when he'll drive next?" Ben sighed but consented. This seemed to cheer Riley considerably and he scurried around to the driver door and got in. Riley tried not to flinch as he sank down in the seat and clicked his seatbelt. Dammit, why does everything have to hurt so much?
They drove through D.C., back toward Riley's apartment. Nobody said much in the car, and Riley just kept his eyes concentrated on the road. But it was nice to feel like he was doing something he was in control of.
Riley pulled up to the apartment and got out of the car, not without more pain. Every time he moved pain would shoot from different parts of his body where Devin inflicted some sort of damage on him. He couldn't even walk without limping, but he ignored the pain as best he could. He stared up at the building for a long moment.
"I-I'm just gonna get some things. I'll be back with a duffle bag or something," Riley muttered to his friends.
"We'll go in with you, Riley," Ben said quietly. Riley just shrugged and entered the building wordlessly. When he got up to his apartment door, he stood there for a moment before twisting the doorknob. It swung open easily. He didn't have a chance to lock it before…
Riley swallowed and glanced around. The shattered glass was still on the carpet. Riley realized he was breathing too quickly and had to make a conscious effort to control his breathing. Devin was in here. Devin was in here.
He could almost feel the man's presence… that anywhere in the apartment he went Devin would be there and drag him off to some dark corner to torture him.
"Riley, are you okay?" Ben asked from behind him. Riley jumped and glanced around at Ben, wishing he didn't feel so nerve-wracked. Riley was grateful that Ben hadn't tried to place a hand on his shoulder, otherwise he might have actually hit him.
"Y-Yeah…" Riley answered, while taking in a few deep breaths. "I'm… um, fine. I'm gonna… uh, I need to get my stuff."
"Okay," Ben said, concern etched into his features. "Do you want us to help?"
"No…. it's okay…. Just let me do this."
His laptop bag sat in the same position as he left it days ago – sitting on the coffee table rather carelessly. Riley grabbed the bag and hugged it protectively.
It was a source of comfort – it was familiar, it was unchanged. Unlike his apartment. Unlike him.
Riley grabbed a duffle bag from a nearby closet, and made his way to the bedroom. He stopped at the door.
His clothes were scattered on the floor. The drawers and closets were thrown open. Devin obviously went through his stuff.
Riley gulped down an involuntary cry, and stepped around the clothes. He sunk into his bed – which was untouched – and curled with a pillow. He closed his eyes.
He remembered fixing his things before he left, whistling to himself as he did so. Riley had tied his shoes, run a comb through his hair, and shut his door. He scanned the apartment – knowing Ben, he figured that he would be gone for days, and it wouldn't do the bills any good if Riley left anything turned on. When he finished, he grabbed his bag, squeezed in some books and his laptop. A lot of his things were already in Ben's house, so he didn't need to pack too much.
Riley locked the door behind him, and left.
Days after, when they finished, Ben asked him if he really wanted to go home. Ben insisted that he stay, even just for a day, to rest before he goes back to his apartment. Riley considered it, but he figured that he really should get back home. He even made an excuse, a story about an imaginary kitten he needed to feed. Ben just laughed, waved him off, and Riley left.
Little did any of them know what waited for him in the apartment.
Riley curled into the bed further. He didn't want to move. If only he stayed at Ben's place that day, like he always did, and maybe… maybe…
"Riley?" Ben's voice rang through the apartment. Riley wiped tears from his eyes. He forgot his pain for a moment, and he jump up and gathered some clothes, dumped them into a bag, and went back into the living room.
"I don't want to be here." Riley said, slinging the bag over his shoulder. His eyes were downcast, so that Ben and Abigail wouldn't see his tears. He turned away and limped out into the hallway and straight for the car, without looking back.
The ride to the mansion was quiet. Riley leaned against Abigail, his eyes closed. "I want to go home." He whispered. "But I can't. It doesn't feel like home anymore."
Abigail smoothed his hair back, and she sighed. "Riley…" She started, breaking off like she didn't know what to say.
Riley didn't expect for her to say anything, anyway. "He went through my stuff. I don't know why, but he did. He ransacked my room." He sighed, and turned away from Abigail. He looked out the window. "I just wanted to go home."
There was a long silence in the car, and Abigail looked at him sadly. Then she spoke with some hesitation.
"Well, you still are… sort of going home… you're staying with us." Riley glanced at her and silently turned to look out the window. He hadn't thought of it like that, but it was true. And it made him feel a little better.
As they drove the road, the turns, the landmarks were familiar. He had gone through this road many times.
It felt familiar, secure, and safe.
He had never been so happy, so relieved, that he was staying at Ben and Abigail's place.
"Ben?" Abigail said, placing a hand on Ben's shoulder. "Aren't you going to come in?" She asked.
Ben blinked at her. Abigail knotted her forehead, and gestured at the front door. He was the one driving the car, and he hadn't even realized that he already stopped. He had drove to Riley's place and back so many times that he had the road memorized, everything he did was almost by reflex.
"I'm coming. Don't worry about me." He answered, his hands still on the steering wheel. Abigail's expression was mixed with worry and uncertainty, so Ben smiled at her reassuringly, and gave her hand a pat. "Riley's waiting inside. Just don't lock the door, and I'll be right there." Abigail nodded, and walked through the front door of the estate.
Ben sighed, and with a shaky hand, he pulled out the small, brown envelope from the glove compartment. Inside were pictures of Riley, broken and unconscious, crimson lines displayed prominently, like sick and twisted art work for an exhibit. Ben stared at the envelope, his hands unconsciously pulling at the flap and tugging some photographs out. He pushed the pictures in once he realized what he was doing, and tossed the envelope on the dashboard.
He stared at the envelope. It was like someone took pictures of Ben's worst nightmare. The people he loved and protected, beaten, broken and tortured… hurt.
Ben shuddered. He grabbed the envelope, and got out of the car. He couldn't bear another moment of looking at those pictures. Even just knowing that they were in his possession sickened him.
That night Ben couldn't sleep. He was relieved Abigail was able to nod off. He stared up at the ceiling and wondered if Riley had managed to let the relief of sleep take him. That's stupid, Ben. After what he's been through he's probably scared to death. Ben felt bad at the thought of his friend by himself in his room, but Riley insisted he was fine with it. Ben let it go, although he made it very clear if Riley needed anything he could always wake him up.
Ben turned over to his side and his eyes fell on the envelope on the nightstand. He was haunted by what he saw inside. It was worse then anything he could imagine. It made him so full of rage he couldn't lay still. He had to do something with them; he didn't care if they were FBI property.
He silently slipped out of bed and grabbed the envelope and walked down the flight of stairs to the ground floor. He headed straight for the fireplace. It took a few minutes, but he was able to get a fire going inside of it. The fire flickered and danced in front of him. He could feel the comfortable heat radiating through the whole room.
He grabbed the envelope from his pocket, and tossed it in the fire. He watched the paper burn and curl, the envelope turning into ashes first, revealing the blackened pictures curling away into the red heat.
Ben stared as it burned. It felt good, like he was burning the memories of Riley's torture little by little until it was all gone.
That was what he wanted to do for Riley. He just wanted to make it all go away. No human being deserves to go through any of this. Ben stood up, and headed for the kitchen.
He had more stuff to burn.
He grabbed the bag which Sadusky handed to him earlier. It was full of Riley's things, his clothes from the whole ordeal. His stomach curled thinking of the suit he found Riley in, as if Devin had played dress-up with a doll. He tossed Riley's shirt in first, and the rest followed.
Ben had never felt this much satisfaction from burning things in a fire. He watched the fire devour the clothes, and Ben poked at it, wanting the clothes to burn faster. It wasn't just mere clothes he was burning anymore.
He was burning memories. He was burning Devin all over again.
"Ben? What are you doing?"
Ben turned to look at Riley, a little surprised. The younger man looked paler than usual, even in the dim, orange light of the fire, and he sat on a sofa. Riley had his laptop with him, and he placed it on a table. "Nothing." Ben answered softly. He sat beside Riley. "What are you doing up?"
"I can't sleep." Riley murmured, tapping a little on his laptop. He pushed it away, sighing. "I want to. I feel tired." He leaned back and closed his eyes. "I'm too scared to, Ben." He opened his eyes, staring at the fire. "Every time I close my eyes I keep seeing Devin, his knife, spiders…" He shuddered. "I want to forget all of this. I want to go to sleep, but I can't."
Ben frowned at Riley, concern flooding all his senses. He forgot all his anger, and tried to smile reassuringly. "Then you don't have to. Don't worry, Riley, I'll stay up with you."
They both sat in comfortable silence, staring at the fire. Riley pulled his laptop to himself and slowly typed away. Ben wondered what was inhibiting his typing but then winced and nearly kicked himself not realizing. Riley's fingers were also injured, some of them even having small bandages on the fingertips. Ben remembered painfully well where those injuries came from.
Riley didn't seem to want to talk about anything, which was strange for Riley, but Ben was fine with just sitting up with him and looking into the fire. He glanced at Riley and noticed his eyes brighter than normal and he blinked rapidly, as he stared at something on the glowing screen.
"What's wrong?" Ben asked worriedly. Riley just shook his head and sniffed, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. "It's nothing, Ben. Don't worry about it."
"Riley, you know me better than that."
"Yeah… well, really. It's no big deal."
After a while, Riley seemed to be nodding off. Finally his eyes closed, his head leaned against Ben's shoulder. Ben looked carefully at the techie. His cheeks were wet with the tears from his eyes and Ben felt their wetness on his shoulder.
Ben made up his mind, and gently lowered Riley back on the couch so he could rest his head on a pillow. Ben glanced around and grabbed a blanket, tucking it around his unconscious friend. After making sure Riley wasn't going to wake up, he opened his laptop and looked at the screen. An email window was pulled up and Ben quickly read over what it said.
Riley, hi! You didn't answer my last e-mail, so I figured you were just busy. It's been more than two weeks since you last sent me a message. I know I shouldn't worry, but usually you send me a small reply back even if you are busy.
I was thinking about how long we have been talking online a lot. I just wanted to ask you when I could visit, you know, because I really want to see you again. :) I remember that you asked me out in one of your e-mails some time back, but I was busy. I'll be glad to take you up on the offer now, if it still stands.
I'll wait for your reply! :)
-Jaqui
Ben closed the laptop again and ran a hand over his face. Oh Riley, I'm sorry, he thought, looking sadly at his sleeping friend.
Jaeh: Oh look, the plot is slowly revealing itself.
Lori: Sort of. Err… we're still planning it. Please review and stuff.
