Disclaimer: Don't own it, just get a kick out of writing about it. Thanks Stephenie!
AN: Hi…yeah, it's been awhile. Like two months since the last update (hiding my head in shame). Things have sort of been crazy in my life. Been going through the big D, and I don't mean Dallas. I've been trying like crazy to find time to write, but it's been tough. So please accept my apology – this still isn't the end of the story – actually, far from it. With a little luck, the updates will start coming more regularly (and timely!) again.
I want to send some early happy birthday FF love to LuvtheCullenboys. Thanks for being my awesome penpal lately…you rock!
Okay, enough of that sad shit…let's get on with the story…
Nothing was as it seemed in this pathetic, excuse for a life. We were merely toilsome puppets, playing a part that would never come to fruition. No matter how hard we tried to be human, the harsh reality was that we weren't, and never would be.
My self-loathing seemed to reach a new high as I replayed Rosalie's fiery exit repeatedly in my mind. Nothing I did was ever right with her, and I couldn't figure out how to get to a place where we both could be truly happy. There had been fleeting glimpses of what it could be, but as soon as we reached that glorious pinnacle, something I did or said brought us crashing down faster than I could blink.
Reflecting on our inherent nature inevitably made me question what, if any, my relationship with Rosalie could possibly evolve into. The first possibility that crossed my mind was what I lived with, day in and day out. But were Carlisle and Esme an anomaly amongst our kind? Had I lost my potential and capability to love when I lost my humanity?
I stepped out of the cabin into the sticky darkness of the mountain air, straining to catch some sense of her; soft footsteps in the leaves or maybe a fleeting trace of her honeysuckle scent - but there was nothing. I wandered the surrounding forest in complete silence, asphyxiating in my own, despicable melancholy that seemed to propogate with every agonizing second that passed. As much as time should no longer have meaning to an immortal creature such as myself, I found it mocking me relentlessly; an unvarying reminder of everything I wasn't, and would never be.
I became so entrenched in my own internal musings that I barely noticed the break of dawn as the sun climbed to its zenith above, then back down again. Days passed, yet they seemed bizarrely like both ions and milliseconds in my sodden mind. The only relief was that there were no voices, human or vampire, to further hamper my mood. The world was absolutely silent around me from any form of meaningful life - it was both a blessing and a curse, for I had never felt so alone.
It was nearly two weeks before I found myself back within the vicinity of the house. Neither Carlisle nor Esme had sought me out during that time, which seemed somewhat odd until I surmised that Rosalie must have said something to them. I wondered briefly if she had relayed everything that had happened between us – the indescribable physical attraction, as well as the shared misery of our existence. Did it even matter anymore? No, I decided rather quickly, but the decision felt hollow and flimsy.
Upon nearing our home, I suddenly realized how much I had missed my parents. They were all I had in this bane existence, and I couldn't leave them permanently no matter how distraught I felt. As I slowly approached, I listened carefully for both their voices and thoughts. Although I needed contact with Carlisle and Esme, I couldn't stand to be near her after what had occurred. But a minute, traitorous part of me still secretly hoped she was inside as I crept forward through the hazy morning dew. What was wrong with me?
From the sound of their tale-tell movements inside, I could tell my family had heard me approach, yet no one exited the house to anxiously welcome me home – instead, their minds went blank as I crossed the front lawn. Guilt washed over me at their reaction and I instantly assumed the worst. How many times would I continue to make them suffer with my erratic and self-serving absences?
Hanging my head shamefully, I shuffled up the front steps and onto the porch, noticing for the first time in the reflection of one of the windows just how disheveled I looked. My hair was matted with grime and bits of debris; my clothing soiled from the handful of kills I had made out of necessity. I resembled one of the nomadic vampires that had crossed our paths before our move to Tennessee, and for just a fleeting second I felt infinitesimally worse, but then, better. No matter how bad things were, I couldn't imagine a life such as that for myself. Nothing could make me permanently leave my family – even her.
Out of habit, my right hand reached for the doorknob, yet I paused. Under the circumstances, I felt it was only fair I knock out of respect; especially since I seemed to continually disrespect those I loved the most.
I knocked hesitantly. Within a split second, Esme threw open the door and embraced me, completely oblivious to the layer of filth that covered my entire body.
"Thank heavens you're back. I've missed you." We both have so much…
I held her tightly and marveled again at the unconditional love that poured out of her. No matter how many times I hurt them, they always took me back.
Carlisle waited across the room patiently, but sent me one lone thought as Esme continued to rock me back and forth.
How was hunting, son? Catch anything noteworthy?
My jaw gaped upon hearing his question in my head. Hunting? Then it hit me – the hap-hazard excuse I had given about taking an extended hunting trip just a couple of weeks ago. A couple of weeks ago? It had felt like a decade or more since I had last been in house, sitting in front of my beloved piano, and then watching in utter surprise when Rosalie had played for us. How had I forgotten about that so easily? And hadn't I told them I'd only be gone a week? Suddenly, their guarded yet jubilant moods made perfect sense. Though I was still unable to focus my mind on anything other than the insurmountable guilt that washed over me, I dismissed it for the time being, deciding instead to play along.
I glanced over Esme's shoulder to him and shook my head. The lies were mounting at such an alarming rate that I was no longer able to keep them all straight. There was no way I was going to add to my own confusion by making up some tale of a great hunt with some unfortunate carnivore. Besides, my heart wasn't up for feigning abundant joy at that moment.
Once I was able to refocus, I abruptly noticed that I had been correct in assuming Rosalie had been here – I could clearly smell her on Esme's clothes. In fact, she had just recently left. A sharp pang pierced my gut at that realization – did she leave because of me?
After several minutes, Esme finally released me, and stepped back to take in my appearance.
Oh Edward. Would you like to clean up right away?
I grimaced, and lowered my eyes in shame. "Yes, please."
Carlisle remained across the room, allowing me to accept Esme's kind offer. I quickly moved into my bedroom, grabbing a fresh set of clothes before heading to the bathroom. I did not allow myself the indulgence of time while attending to my slovenly appearance; instead I bathed and changed as fast as possible so I could return to my altruistic, overly kind family.
When I reappeared, Carlisle and Esme were seated in the living room, waiting patiently as usual. I took a seat across from them, my face blank despite the fact that my mind continuing to race. I heard Esme's thoughts shift at once from questions about my time hunting to the one thing I feared the most – what was wrong. Part of me cursed her perceptiveness, simultaneously wishing I wasn't so easy to read, especially at times like these. But it was pointless to ignore the churning caldron of emotions flooding my body, especially when sitting across from the two people who knew me better than anyone else on the planet. Well, except for maybe Rosalie…
Please tell us what's wrong.
Although it was Esme's words, the same sentiment came from Carlisle as well. Unconsciously, I buried my face in my hands as the guilt and self-loathing suddenly became too much for me to bear. There was no possible way I could stand to look either one of them in the eye.
Clearing his throat, Carlisle spoke first. "Edward, we are both very glad to have you back. Thought gauging from your present mood, I'm guessing your absence wasn't used just to hunt outside our normal range."
"We were worried about you. I guess I thought you'd stop in briefly to say goodbye before leaving again…" Esme trailed off, glancing sideways at her husband as he continued her sentiment seamlessly.
"…honestly son, we always worry when you're gone with no means of contact. It never sits well with us to have you or Rosalie absent for any extended amount of time."
"I apologize, Carlisle. I'm very sorry for hurting you again…"
Esme let out a nearly inaudible whimper, and I could sense her wanting to move towards me. But she refrained, letting Carlisle continue instead.
"When we didn't see you after a full day, Rosalie informed us that you were safe when she returned to the house. Or at least, she said you were fine when she last saw you." He paused, causing me to glance up through my fingers. "She also said that you may not return right away. Though she didn't specify that you were off 'hunting', as you had indicated earlier."
My brow creased from the tension that both plagued my body and suddenly saturated the room. What else had she told them? Despite my earlier decision that nothing she said mattered, I once again found myself inexplicably wanting to keep our secret from them.
I swallowed thickly before speaking, and slowly lifted my face from my hands. "Again, my deepest and most heartfelt apologies to the both of you. It was inconsiderate and inexcusable to be gone so long without saying a proper goodbye."
"Is everything okay?" Esme's voice cracked with emotion.
Slowly, I nodded. "Yes."
I knew I should say more; do more. But I also didn't want to reveal too much. Scanning their minds, I sought out any information that would indicate what, if anything, Rosalie had shared with them, but there was absolutely no hint of what she had disclosed.
Finally, Carlisle gave me the tidbit I needed, though I sensed he was holding something back.
"Obviously, Rosalie is not here. She left to hunt a few hours ago. Strange, how good you two are at avoiding one another. Yet I'm curious as to why you're back to avoiding each other, since the last time we saw you together it appeared you were getting along quite nicely. Or, at the very least, being civil to one another." Although he didn't come out and ask me, I heard the question in his tone. What's going on?
I tried as hard as I could to get more information out of Carlisle's head, but it remained blank. Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced over to Esme, but she was too quick – walling off her thoughts as soon as she saw me move. Had Rosalie indicated upon her return from the cabin that things were…bad…between us once again? Or worse, had she told them any explicit details of what had transpired? Or the countless times before when we had secretly met, either upon our rock or elsewhere?
Running various responses and their predicted outcomes through my head at breakneck speed, I finally decided on a more conservative answer to Carlisle's silence question. "At this moment in time, no, we do not care to be in one another's presence." It was technically the truth, but I wasn't sure if they'd buy it or not.
Carlisle raised his eyebrows. "What changed since last week between the two of you?"
"I'm sure Rosalie explained why."
"No, actually, she did not. She simply said you had parted ways in a less than placid state. When you did not return to the house after that first day, she elusively stated that you would return when you were ready, and to not seek you out. She also said it was best to wait for you to explain what occurred between the two of you."
My jaw twitched uncontrollably. Once again, Rosalie completely surprised me with her unpredictable behavior. Though I was thankful she had encouraged them not to come after me, I was also inexplicably annoyed that she had left me the responsibility of explaining what had happened, even if she was handing over full-control of the situation.
I sighed loudly and rolled my eyes to the ceiling. Torn between divulging the whole truth and protecting our secret, I didn't know what to say. Finally, I decided to stick to the original plan and keep as much to ourselves as possible – after all, I could always disclose more information at a later date if necessary. But once Carlisle and Esme knew what was really going on, there was no turning back.
"We were…trying to get along," I began quietly, still staring at the ceiling. I knew there was no way I could look either of them in the eye at that moment. "I thought we were making progress, but I assumed too much."
Esme spoke up after a few seconds of silence. "You don't need to be embarrassed, Edward. We understand more than you think."
I nodded slightly, letting my gaze drift down to the floorboards. "I know that, Esme. I wasn't embarrassed. I just…needed time to think through some things. Honestly, I did not realize how long I was gone." I glanced up at her mournfully.
"Of course. You're forgiven," she whispered, smiling at me warmly.
"I know this is difficult for you to discuss Edward, but really, if we're going to co-exist as one family, we cannot have secrets between the four of us." Carlisle's tone implied nothing but compassionate authority. Even though I surmised the true question hidden within, he sent it to me telepathically anyway. What really happened?
It felt like the room started to close in on me. Carlisle's piercing stare, Esme's unconditional acceptance – how could I continue to lie to them? Would it be so wrong to tell them what was going on? Maybe then I'd get some of the weight taken off my shoulders, and I could return to the monotony and static routine I had come to count on in my cursed existence.
I hunched over in defeat as all of the air in my lungs rushed out in a massive sigh. Here goes nothing, I thought painfully.
"Carlisle, Esme…" I began, then paused. I detected the slightest sound off in the distance – almost like someone, or something, tip-toeing through the underbrush. Then suddenly, it was gone. I pushed the curiosity out of my mind and continued. "Things between Rosalie and I are…not what they appear."
Both sat perfectly still and waited for me to continue, their faces blank and not one thought in their heads.
"Despite my natural distain for Rose…Rosalie…at first, I have tried to remain open-minded and sympathetic to her needs in this new life." Inwardly, I flogged myself repeatedly for slipping up and calling her Rose. The personal moniker was sacred – something special between us, and one of the few details I never planned to disclose. Yet it was suddenly out in the open, like everything else would soon be if I turned off my internal filter and let the chips fall where they may. Though secretly I hoped they didn't catch the slip-up. The never-ending blows to my pride were making it increasingly difficult to continue on.
I heard the noise again, only it was closer this time. Definitely not the typical sound of some forest creature. It was much too deliberately quiet. Almost like whoever was making it didn't want me to hear them. Carlisle and Esme gave no indication that they had heard it – obviously, they were too focused on my explanation.
"We have…tried to find common ground," I continued, choosing my words carefully. Both nodded in encouragement. "At times I feel that we start to make progress, but then…"
All at once, the sound disappeared, but a new one appeared. In my head.
Edward, don't you dare.
I blinked furiously and my jaw unconsciously went slack. What was Rosalie doing? I listened closely but could not hear her approaching, yet she was obviously near enough for me to hear her thoughts, and consequently for her to hear our conversation. Once again, I wondered if she didn't have some secret talent that she masterfully hid from the rest of us.
With no way to communicate back to her without alerting Carlisle and Esme to her nearby presence, I ignored her telepathic plea. After all, she had left me at the cabin. Let her step forward if she wanted to be heard.
"…we seem to hit one hurdle after another. I'm not sure if we can ever get past them."
Carlisle looked at me questioningly. "What sort of hurdles?"
I fought to keep the waver out of my voice. "We do not see things eye to eye."
"Very few of us rarely do, Edward. Is there more to it than that?" Esme's tone and thoughts, running in tandem, were encouraging me to disclose everything. Our behavior around one another had evidently aroused suspicion – Esme's intuition told her there was more going on than just verbal arguments between us, and it was quite possible that Rosalie had tipped her off as well. Either way, I had two, very simple choices. Give them the full truth, or continue to dance around the real issue at hand and fabricate more lies. The pressure was nearly tearing me in two, but before I could respond, she continued.
"Because I got the sense that there was something else between the two of you the last time we were all together." Esme studied me carefully, tilting her heart-shaped face to the left.
Just as I opened my mouth to reply, Rosalie hit me with another blunt thought.
Do NOT tell them.
And then I heard the door open behind me.
She had arrived.
I wanted to thank everyone for voting "Music Lessons" as the 'Best use of Music as Inspiration' in the Twilight Indie Awards. That totally made my summer! I am still working on the out-take that will go along with that story. It's gotten a little out of control length-wise, so it might be a wee bit longer than a one-shot, but I'm pretty sure I won't get any complaints about that…
Stay tuned – I'll post it as soon as it's finished! And as always, thanks for all of your reviews and PMs…
