A/N – just a short one tonight...sorry for the delay…nothin' like a good ole' case of writer's block to slow things down!! The good news is the next chapter is already with my sweet beta, ChangedbyEdward, so hopefully it will post sooner than this one did!!! Unless she hates it….LOL

Special thanks to LolaRosa for talking me off the ledge with this one…big hugs!!

Once again, Stephenie Meyer owns everything…I am just borrowing!!

Chapter 13


(Carlisle's POV)

What have I done?

Instinct had finally won over. I had taken a human life without hesitation and now I would live all eternity with the consequences of my actions. I'm still not sure what happened.

When Bella so readily agreed to join our family, I was overcome by the trust and love she obviously still felt for us, even after we deserted her. I knew that her love for Edward was deep, but the realization that those feelings extended to all of us, was astoundingly beautiful.

Was that why I acted so quickly and recklessly? The fear of allowing her the opportunity to re-think her decision forced me into action?

And the taste of her blood on my tongue. I now understood exactly what my son had lived with since that fateful day in Phoenix. I know he believes himself a monster, but I now considered him a saint for being able to resist her essence for so long after tasting it.

I believed that I would have no problem changing Bella, resisting her blood, after stitching up her wounds so often, but I knew now that I was foolish to make that assumption. I do not want to think of what could have happened had Esme not been at my side, her complete faith in my strength never wavering. I have given myself far too much credit in believing that years and years of practice have made me infallible. The hunger aroused in me by one simple taste of Bella's blood awakened dark feelings I had believed long since dead. How long will it take me to regain confidence that I will not be tempted in my work?

I stared at the beautiful, ashen face before me and once again felt the wash of despair spill over me. How will I face my children? How can I face Edward? How will I face Bella if she awakens from all of this?

I watched as Esme moved onto the bed to once again attempt to comfort the burn we both knew Bella was enduring. The burn. It was something that no vampire could or would ever forget. No matter what human memories were able to fade away, that memory was forever etched into a vampire's mind.

My original plan had been to inject Bella with a combination of my venom and morphine, hoping that it would numb some of the pain that I knew she was suffering. That, of course, had not happened, since I had bitten her without any plan in place. We moved her immediately to her bedroom, but she was already in severe pain. I bit every pulse point, sealing each wound off with my venom and quickly prepared a strong injection of morphine which seemed to offer her some peace. But I could not be sure.

Time usually passes so quickly for us, but watching someone suffer is never easy and watching Bella suffer was even worse. I fought the urge to glance at the clock, not wanting to calculate how much longer we would have to wait before knowing if I had even been successful in changing her.

Restless, I moved around the room, wishing I had the ability to change what had happened. Questions continued to swirl in my mind and I fought the urge to run from the room, from Esme and everything that had transpired. I sat again in the chair and took Bella's tiny hand in mine, studying the fine veins that peeked from her skin.

I let my mind drift back in time. First to the night of my change, so long ago. I remembered the incredible fear I had felt when I realized what had happened and the terror of being alone, hidden in that stinking alley, not knowing if I would survive the fire that seemed to be consuming my body from the inside out. I prayed for the last time that night. Prayed to a God that I had spent my whole life worshipping – first asking for forgiveness and then demanding to know why he had forsaken me. When I awoke to my new existence, I locked away whatever feelings remained for that God – knowing he was lost to me. But even believing that, I knew I would do whatever I could to not stray too far from the path I had been raised on.

And I didn't stray. Until now. Refusing to allow the questions free reign of my mind again, I continued my journey through time, briefly remembering my time with the Volturi and all I had learned there, but sliding through each memory as if I were looking at a photo album, until I came to Edward. I truly believe that Elizabeth Masen knew what I was and that I had the ability to offer some sort of existence to her only son. When I had gone to check on him, his breath had been so shallow and his eyes so sunken, I truly believed I was too late. I really didn't know what I was doing and I know he suffered far more than any other I have changed. Perhaps that is why he detests his existence so much. I tried to comfort him in any way I could and only hoped that someday he would be able to forgive me for the choice I had made for him. He may have forgiven me then, but I doubted he would ever forgive me for Bella.

I felt her hand on my shoulder and reached up to take it in my own. My beautiful Esme. My partner in this strange existence. I knew she was concerned. She wasn't expecting me to act as I did and now she feared the struggle she knew was taking place in my mind. She truly is my other half and I will never regret choosing to make her mine forever. In my memories, I can still hear the faint shudder of her heart as her body fought to end its suffering. I knew she had wanted to die and only hoped that I would be able to offer her solace in a different life. If anything would get me through the dark moments I knew lay ahead, it would be the shining light of my beautiful wife.

And what of Rosalie? Will she understand what I have done? Her dislike of Bella was always quite evident, but I alone understood that it was not so much dislike as it was jealousy. Rosalie would not be able to comprehend the choice that Bella made or how I could act on it when it would never have been what she would have chosen for herself. I remember the sheer horror of finding her broken and abused body in the gutter. I wonder if she had been in my shoes if she would have been able to turn away and leave the person to die? But perhaps she had better understanding after finding Emmett in a similar state, albeit at the hand, or should I say paw, of a bear rather than a human. She had carried him back to me, never allowing herself to taste what I know she must have desired. I had been so proud of her that day and could not deny giving her the one thing she asked, but again, I only ended his life in a different way. I did not take his life – it had already been stolen.

Darkness had fallen yet again, but I had no concept of how much time had passed. I knew that Bella was reaching the end of her life as a human. I dreaded the thought of never hearing her young heart beat again and knowing that it was my doing. I will carry this guilt with me forevermore and can only hope that it will lessen in time. I know one thing alone. I will never be able to ask forgiveness from any of my family until I find it within my being to forgive myself.


(Esme's POV)

The screams were terrifying. I lay down on the bed and pulled Bella to me, hoping that my cool frame would offer a little relief from the fire that burned beneath her skin. I glanced quickly at Carlisle, agonized by the look of grief that consumed his handsome features. I knew he was already mourning the loss of human life that was quickly slipping away before us. I only hoped that he would be able to forgive himself for what he had done.

I was surprised when he acted so quickly on Bella's decision to join us, but understood why he made that choice. This was the first time he had taken a healthy life and I believe he acted immediately so he would not have time to second-guess the decision. Edward, Rosalie, Emmett and I had all been on death's door when he changed us – he would have been unable to save us otherwise. He was able to compartmentalize the action. I hoped, for his sake, that he would be able to do the same this time.

There was no doubt in my mind that he had made the right choice. Bella had wanted this for a very long time and now with the obvious threat on her life, it had become more apparent that she would stand a much better chance of some sort of survival as one of us.

In time, I hoped my husband would be able to grasp onto that to aid in forgiving himself for what he had done. But there was no chance of that happening until we were sure that Bella would make it through the change.

We had retreated to her bedroom as soon as he bit her. The initial bite was enough of a shock to her system that she passed out, allowing Carlisle the opportunity to inject more venom at each of her pulse points without her being conscious. The screams had begun almost as soon as we moved her, and it was horrible having to watch her suffer. Carlisle had given her some morphine, hoping it would help ease her pain and it seemed successful, but there really was no way of knowing for sure. All we could do was watch and wait.

My only hope was that, somehow, she knew we were there with her and that she was not going through it alone. Carlisle had spent the first few hours rocking her gently, speaking softly to her of things he knew of her past that she would want to remember, along with memories of the times we had all shared together. He had hesitated at first speaking of Edward, but then he told her of those times as well, focusing on the happiness that they had shared as a couple.

Alice called in to check on things and make sure everything was alright, offering to have Jasper return to help us if needed. She had made it to the house in Forks in record time, but neither of them had seen or heard from Edward. She was expecting him at any moment and Carlisle made her promise to keep the news about Bella from him as long as she possibly could. Even though nothing could be reversed, we all knew that it would be much safer for Bella to wake up to her new life in a calm atmosphere, and Edward would be anything but calm once he knew what had transpired.

As the minutes slowly turned to hours, we watched, hoping for any sign that she would soon be through the worst. Her face was flushed, yet held a haunting shadow, hinting at her impending physical death. I watched Carlisle as he monitored our newest daughter – he was struggling, and that would continue until Bella came back to us. Only then would the healing begin.


End of chapter - please review....Carlisle needs happy thoughts!!!