A/N - Have to say thank you for not stoning me out of the fandom for the last chap! I am terribly, terribly behind on responding to reviews but want you all to know how MUCH they mean to me - the positive and the negative!!! They truly inspire me to write so please keep them coming.
I know I sound like a broken record here but I can not stress enough how much I appreciate the friendships I have made in the Twilight world....hugs to you all and thanks for being there!!! Especially my ultrafab beta, changedbyEdward, - you continue to rock my world bb....so grateful to have you as a friend and confidante. LolaRose, my partner in crime......your heart is the biggest and kindest I have ever known - thanks for your CONSTANT support and laughter!
Steph owns all Twilight - oh to be in her shoes!!!
(Edward's POV)
The lights of the house flickered invitingly as we drove up the winding drive, almost beckoning me to vault out of the vehicle and sprint for the door. The exhilaration of knowing that my Bella was waiting for me just a few short steps from where we sat was almost more than I could stand. The minute Jasper brought the car to a stop, I was out the door and bounding up the steps, Alice not far behind.
Emmett and Rose were standing on the porch waiting for us, but I didn't give them a chance to say anything as I rushed through the front entrance and towards the library, following the intoxicating scent of freesia, Bella's scent. Carlisle met me at the doorway, his hand raised to motion for me to stop. It was all I could do to abide by his wishes. My entire being was pleading to find my beloved – we had been apart far too long already.
"Edward," Carlisle began.
"Where is she, Carlisle? I need to see her." I looked over his shoulder, attempting to gain a glimpse of her in the room behind him.
"She's out in the backyard and has asked for you to meet with her out there." I moved to go past him, but he put his hands on my shoulders. "Edward, stop." I growled in frustration, without meaning to, but did as he asked. "Son, you need to know that she is not in a good frame of mind. She's angry and upset and…"
"Carlisle, please! Just let me go to her. I need to see her, to tell her what a fool I've been. Please!" I begged him and watched as his shoulders slumped in defeat. As he turned to allow me past, I flew to the doors leading out to the garden. Alice made to follow me, but Carlisle stopped her, telling her Bella needed to see me on her own. I didn't look back as I made my way outside, Bella being the only one I needed.
The garden was dark, beautiful and quiet. I inhaled deeply, the essence of my beloved strong in the air, and I closed my eyes briefly, allowing my body to consume the aroma I had yearned for so long. I opened my eyes and found her immediately, standing at the edge of the garden, her skin iridescent under the light of the moon. I had always found her beautiful, but as a vampire, she was quite simply, ravishing. I stared for a moment, drinking in her undeniable beauty, anxiously wanting to take her in my arms and never let her go.
I took another step towards her, unable to stop the grin that fought to take over my face; I was so elated to be in her presence again. A sudden hiss stopped me in my tracks and I waited as she told me not to come any closer. It took everything in me to do as she demanded, but I stood still and waited for her to make the first move.
It was then that I noticed her trembling and I sensed the anger that she was fighting so hard to reign in. I knew that she was upset with me, Alice had been more than willing to share that information with me on the drive over, but this was more than anger, this was sheer fury.
I breathed her name and she started towards me but stopped herself. I could see she was in turmoil, fighting to hold herself back and I waited, hoping she would allow herself to come to me. But it didn't happen. Her words then flew at me like poisoned arrows, fast and furious, cutting into my being like shards of glass. I felt myself crumple as she spoke of her father and how I was to blame, but when she told me she hated me, it was more than I could bear.
I stared in disbelief as she disappeared into the night, unable to move, unable to follow her. Her final words - that she finally believed me to be the monster I always told her I was - echoed in my brain and I fell against a tree, sliding to the ground, unable to believe that after everything that had happened, I had lost her.
I am not sure how much time passed before Alice made her way into the garden, Jasper close behind her.
"Edward, I'm sorry. I tried to get you to see…" Alice began, but I held my hand up, silently begging her to stop. She nodded and just sat beside me, her hand pressed over mine in comfort. I looked around and saw that Jasper had disappeared and realized he had gone after Bella.
"Alice?" I questioned, unsure I really wanted to know.
"I don't know, Edward. I'm so sorry. She is so upset that her mind is changing as quickly as her heart used to beat. Just give her some time. Jasper will try and calm her and see if he can convince her to return. She has suffered so much, Edward. More than any of us really know."
I nodded wordlessly, knowing that I alone had caused her that suffering.
(Bella's POV)
I ran. It was the only choice I could make. Branches snapped as they smacked against my charging body, but I felt nothing. As angry as I was, I still revelled in my new found speed and strength and felt glory in the distance I was able to put between us in no time at all. I had expected Edward to follow, a small part of me hoping, even though I had meant every word I had spoken to him. But he didn't follow.
I stopped for a moment, twisting and turning in the forest, trying to get my bearings. I knew that I had no reason to fear being lost – it wasn't as if I would perish out in the wilderness, but I could not help but fight back the memories from the past. Lost, alone and broken in a forest like this.
"No!!!!" I screamed and shoved my hands against the trunk of a cedar, only to watch the massive evergreen rip its roots from the earth and crash to the ground. I dropped to the forest floor, pressing my back up against the trunk of the tree. I needed to gather my thoughts and determine my next steps. Anguish overwhelmed me as I realized that the Cullen family was once again lost to me - once again because of Edward. If only I had not seen the picture on Carlisle's desk, but I knew that it would have only been a matter of time before I regained the memory of him. Edward. I closed my eyes and sorted through the faint human memories that were slowly making their way back to the surface of my subconscious – snapshots of the tender moments we had shared, the horrors we had faced, the love we had nurtured and the physical attraction we had denied ourselves. It would be so easy to cling to those memories and allow the other darker ones to slide away. If I did that, I could allow him back into my life. We could be together with no fear, only love. I could have the family I so longed to call my own.
He left you – deserted you because you weren't good enough for him.
Darker memories fought their way through and clenched at my stilled heart. These were the memories that had tortured my soul so much that I had been locked away – a living zombie. Now these memories could do nothing other than force the venom to my throat. Rage and an overwhelming sense of betrayal weighed heavily on my shoulders as I held my head in my hands and begged for tears that I could no longer shed.
The forest was quiet – too quiet. Sensing that someone was on my trail, I took off running again. I had no idea where I was going – I only knew that I couldn't go back. The landscape flew past me in a blur, but I was forced to slow down as I saw the terrain becoming more open. Once again I was swept into a memory of happier times as I stepped into an open meadow similar to the one in my mind. Shaking away the cobwebs, I listened carefully for the sounds of whoever had been following me but heard nothing. I moved slowly into the field, carefully studying the landscape as a gentle breeze teased at the tree limbs above.
A rush came over me as I inhaled deeply, the venom rapidly surging to my throat as the blood lust took hold. I searched the tree line to find the animal that smelled so delectable – the scent so powerfully sweet and musky all at the same time. Blinded by my thirst, I lunged in the direction the aroma came from, rushing through the trees and tackling it to the ground, my jaws locking as I bit into the jugular and drank in the sweetest nectar I had ever tasted. I felt the warm blood seeping down my throat and I moaned in ecstasy as the final droplets wet my tongue. Fully sated, my senses returned and I gazed down to look at the fur I was holding in my hands, wondering what animal had quenched my thirst so well. My pleasure turned to horror as I dropped the fur in front of me and screamed at the sight. A long silver braid tinted with ebony trailed down the back of the buckskin fur coat that covered the remains of the man I had just murdered. I backed away in horror, repulsed, only to find two strong arms encircling me from behind in a tight embrace.
"Bella." His one word sent me over the edge as I turned to face him, now understanding everything I had ever put him through by being in his presence.
"Jasper, what have I done?" I collapsed against him and he held me tightly to his chest. Although I didn't like him to use his gift on me, I didn't fight it as I felt a relaxing calm take hold of me. He led me to a fallen trunk and I sat and watched dumbly as he quickly moved towards the remains of the man I had murdered.
Glancing back towards me, he motioned for me to wait where I was as he effortlessly hoisted the old trapper over his shoulder and ran into the trees. I sat there, still as a stone, not noticing how much time passed – lost in the horrors of the crime I had just committed. I was a monster.
Jasper returned and took a seat on the trunk next to me, his arm encircling me and pulling me close to his frame. I leaned towards him and closed my eyes, unable to speak. "Do you want to talk about it?"
I shook my head against his shoulder and allowed my tearless sobs to take hold of me. He didn't say anything, just held onto me and let me grieve for what I had done. When I finally felt able to put words together, I straightened and looked him in the eye, expecting revulsion, yet only finding compassion.
"I am so sorry, Jasper."
He nodded and squeezed my hand. "Bella, the fact that you realize you did wrong is proof enough to me that this was not intentional. It doesn't change what you have done. A man is dead because of your actions and that is something you will have to carry with you eternally, but I am the last person who should judge you for that."
I nodded, not knowing what to say in response.
"We need to go back – the rest of the family will be getting worried." Jasper stood and reached his hand out for mine.
"I can't go back, Jasper. Especially, now." I hung my head in defeat.
How will I ever face Carlisle and Esme?
Less than 48 hours after waking up to my new existence and I had already committed the heinous act that they fought on a daily basis to resist.
Jasper kneeled in front of me, his hand forcing my chin up so that I would meet his eyes. The reflection of my scarlet eyes in his golden ones brought on a new wave of horror and I gasped at the sight.
"Bella, you have to come back. You are not ready to be on your own and we want you to stay. I know that you and Edward have issues to work through, but that doesn't mean you have to go."
Edward. He would be mortified when he found out what I had done. I moved away from Jasper and stood to watch the sun as it made its way into the sky. As angry as I was at him for everything that had happened, I could not blame him for this. I had been so quick to judge him, to throw the book at him for everything that had happened. I cringed as I remembered every detail of the words I had spoken before running off – it now seemed like a lifetime ago. I had called him a monster and told him I hated him. I knew that I had destroyed him with those simple words. And now who was the monster? I was no better than him.
"He loves you, Bella." Jasper's words, barely a whisper, hung in the air. "The only reason he left you was because he thought he was protecting you from our world."
I turned to face him. "But it didn't protect me, did it? And it didn't protect Charlie either. Why, Jasper? Why didn't he trust me enough to let me make my own choices?"
"I can't answer that, Bella. Maybe that is something you need to ask him yourself." He moved closer and extended his hand to me again. "I am not promising that you guys can find each other again, but you need to at least hear each other out. Please Bella, come home with me."
"What about the trapper, Jasper? What will happen?" I had to know, even though I sensed he would rather I had not asked.
"I scattered his remains close to a grizzly den. If anyone discovers anything they will assume he met up with a predator that he was unable to escape. I looked to see if I could find any identification on him, but he carried nothing."
I nodded, remorse rattling me thoroughly. "I appreciate what you did for me," I said softly.
His hand tightened on mine as he pulled me towards the long trail leading back to the house. "That's what family is for."
End of chapter - Reviews are just like Jasper's hugs - simply wonderful!!!!
