Yes, yes, I've been MIA for another year. T_T Senior year was quite rough, but by fall I will be in college! I can't guarantee I'll have more time to write, but I'll do my best to update as much as I can. Every time I get back to this FF, I fall back in love with all the characters and cannot wait to pick it back up again.
This is a pretty sad chapter on the whole. I don't want to give too much away before you read, but what happens here serves as a pretty big catalyst for the changes in the relationships between Lily & Co. and The Marauders that are soon to come.
Chapter #15: Unfulfilled
"So, Evans…"
Lily couldn't seem to stop shivering every time she heard Lucius's ice-cold voice. She couldn't stand to look at his sneering face, so instead she looked down at his fingers, which lightly and leisurely drummed, one at a time, on the arm of his chair. They were pale, and Lily was sure that if they were touched, they would feel just as cold as his words.
"If we're supposed to become friends today, I highly suggest you start coming 'round by using my first name," Lily said boldly. Her voice was far from being as loud and intimidating as Lucius's did, but she figured since she was alone with a bunch of Slytherins, she might as well show that she wasn't fearful…or, rather, hide the fear within her.
"Of course…Lily," Lucius sneered. "But it wouldn't be fair if that privilege didn't go both ways."
Lily nodded. A silence followed, and she suddenly wondered exactly what she was doing here. What on heaven, earth, and hell were they supposed to talk about? She was into nothing they were interested in, and vice versa. Even though she was doing this for Severus, Lily couldn't think of any way in which this meeting would end up successful. She was just too different from them, and the hate that lingered between her and the rest of the Slytherins was so strong in the room that she could almost taste it.
Lucius smiled. "So tell us, Cordy love, what was today's Sluggish meeting about? It must've been an honor to have been welcomed into the open arms of Slughorn and his club, and all the more of an honor to have met Lily, here," –he nodded once at Lily— "before the rest of us did."
Cordelia snorted. "Hardly. About the first part, I mean. All we did was stuff ourselves full of food…not that the grub was bad or anything, but we didn't do anything else. It was quite a disappointment, though nothing more or less than what I've heard. I talked to Lily most of the time, but I could also hear Slughorn trying to get close to a few of the students whose parents had had him for a teacher. Then afterwards he just dismissed us. An honor indeed!" The sarcasm dripped from those last three words, like the drool that fell from Crabbe's mouth when he saw a piece of cake in front of him, thought Lily.
"Interesting," Floyd Avery said. "What did you think of it, Ev—Lily?"
Lily was astonished to have been addressed a question. All eyes turned towards her, and Severus's were so big with enthusiasm and encouragement that she thought they would pop out at any moment.
"It…it was okay. More or less like all the others," Lily confessed. "But Slughorn said he might have a potions competition next time, so it should get more interesting. Besides, this is just our fourth meeting. He likes getting to know everybody first and letting all the students get warmed up to each other—a little one-one-one, if you will—before having anything else take place besides a dinner."
She had never spoken so much to any of these people before, apart from Severus, and quickly turned to Lucius to see his reaction.
"A potions contest, eh? A little one-on-one with the others? Sounds like you know a lot about Slughorn and his ways," Lucius said. This was unexpected, and Lily couldn't help but feel a bit elated by those words. They were yet another reminder that she was one of Slughorn's favorites…which wasn't always a good thing to put up with, but made her feel as though her potions skills were really worth something.
"Well, I wouldn't put it that way. I mean, I've been his student for quite some years now, and I guess I've just gotten used to how he is," said Lily, becoming a bit more like her usual chatty self. "I'm glad he likes me as much as he does, it's not always easy to get a Hogwarts professor to accept your work like he does mine." At that, most of the others stiffened and had miffed looks plastered on all of their faces, but Lucius Malfoy had a wide grin on his face.
"Do you, now?" he said in what seemed like a pleased and amused tone.
"Well…" Lily felt very uncomfortable, especially when she glanced over at Cordelia and saw that she looked quite annoyed indeed. "Well, he's the only one who likes me that much, really. To the others, I'm not as much of a genius as Slughorn makes me out to be."
"So you admit that you're a genius?" Cordelia said, looking incredulous. "Sheesh, what a way to put yourself out there."
"No, no, there are definitely wizards and witches out there much smarter than I am," Lily stammered, trying to correct whatever fault she had made. "I just meant that I'm grateful for Slughorn's friendship and…and belief in me as a reliable potions student, I guess."
"You are definitely one of the best students," Severus added right then. "Probably even in Lucius's league. She can whip up a potion in her sleep if she wanted to! Besides, Potions is definitely one of our key elements in studying the Dark Arts, which covers almost every subject except in a much deeper scope, if you ask me." He had a victorious look on his face, as though he'd saved the entire meeting.
Lily could feel a fire flaring up inside her again. Probably even in Lucius's league. So, what, did Severus think Lucius was smarter than her? Did he think Lucius was better than her all-around? A better potions brewer, a better student, a better friend?
"Well, I can't imagine that," Lucius replied, the cold and icy tone back in its place. "Not many are in my league, if at all. Yet, Slughorn still doesn't seem to believe that I am worthy enough for his…little…Slug Club. Ha! If anything, his club isn't fitfor me."
Lily could've gagged right then. How could Severus be friends with such a sore loser and arrogant twerp?
"So, what potions do you whip up, then, eh? Got one that makes a frog try to kill itself?" Crabbe guffawed. "That would be hilarious to see."
Lily shuddered. "I…I don't know if such a potion exists. I hope not…that would be awful."
Cordelia shook her head, almost as if in disbelief and disapproval. "Not really…quite the contrary, it would be fascinating. That certainly would be a Dark potion indeed. Imagine what a potion like that could do for the Wizarding World!"
Lily blanched. Severus put a hand on her shoulder; whether it was a warning sign or a protective gesture, she didn't know, but she shook it off immediately. "What do you mean? No doubt, it would do nothing but create chaos! People would always try to slip the…the potion to other people. Just imagine if that were slipped into your pumpkin juice." Again, she shuddered at the thought, and glared at Severus as if blaming him for bringing up the topic.
"But it would be so much easier for the Ministry of Magic…one potion that they could simply give to a criminal, who would automatically commit suicide under the influence of the Cruciatus Curse. What an effective way to bring justice," replied Cordelia, who seemed thoroughly delighted by the idea.
"Justice? Nothing good ever comes out of killing others!" Lily's voice began to rise out of frustration.
"The Ministry wouldn't literally be doing the killing. The criminal would be doing to himself what he'd most likely done to others."
"Yes, but if the Ministry is the one to give the potion to the criminal, especially with that very intention of him drinking it, then it IS murdering no matter what way you put it!" Lily choked out. "I don't want to think about it anymore." She closed her eyes once to let the image fade from her mind. "It makes me feel sick just thinking about it."
"No offense, but you don't seem to have a very strong stomach," Crabbe observed. "And pardon me, but how in the hell can you be a part of us if you can't handle Dark thoughts?"
"If that's the kind of stuff you all think about in your time together, then maybe I don't want to be a part of the Dark Artists!" Lily cried, recollecting herself and feeling quite angry now. Who was he to talk to her in that way?
"There, she's said it!" Daniel said, standing up and pointing at her triumphantly. "She doesn't even want to be a part of us, so this whole thing is a waste of our damn time. Why even bother with her, Severus?"
At this point, the librarian, Madame Pince, had come to see what all the commotion was about. There was a frown on her face as she directed her words mainly to Daniel, "I don't need any trouble here from you students! This is a place for studying, not arguing and definitely not swearing!" There was a disapproved look on her face, but next to Daniel and the others, Madame Pince looked quite miniscule.
The rage within Lily was really too much to bear at this point. Her eyebrows furrowed together in anger and, before she knew it, she was on her feet as well.
"You know nothing about me!" She pointed back at Daniel, glaring fiercely. "So don't even try to pretend you do!"
"Based on what you've told us, Lily," put in Floyd, and she turned to look at his judgmental, frowning face, "you're no better than what we expected. You've just proven that you're a sneaky know-it-all who thinks you're better than others just because you can whip up a draught. But inside, you're nothing but a weak Mudblood."
There was uproar when he spat out Mudblood as the other Dark Artists cried out in agreement, and Madame Pince wagged a finger in outrage at Daniel's face while scolding him fiercely, and Severus finally said, "Shut your mouth up, don't you go calling Lily names like that, Floyd Avery!"
By now, Lily was close to tears. She had come to make peace with Severus's gang and show that she wasn't as distasteful as they thought, because, before today, they'd always assumed who she was and made stereotypical and condescending remarks. There had been a slight hope inside of her after she'd met Cordelia, but now there was none. The Dark Artists had manipulated this entire conversation to show everybody—including Severus—that she was exactly what they always taunted her to be. What Floyd had said: sneaky, know-it-all, weak.
She rushed over to Severus with pools forming at her eyelids. She brushed them away quickly, not wanting to embarrass herself anymore. "This whole thing was a big mistake, Sev. I'm sorry." With that, Lily Evans pushed past her stunned friend and, after one more glance backwards, hurried out of the library. She could still hear the rest of the gang arguing with Severus as Madame Pince tried to quiet them down and threaten them with detentions, but her ears wouldn't register anything that was being said. Within seconds, Lily was on her way back to the Gryffindor dormitory.
Several voices were shooting angry comments at Severus all at once, and he couldn't concentrate. He was looking back and forth between all of the Dark Artists and Lily. It felt like Severus's soul was being split apart into two, and he couldn't decide which half to keep. Severus saw Lily turn back to look at him one more time, and a voice in his mind roared, GO!, but his feet stayed stuck to the ground like cement. He seemed to be paralyzed. Then, she disappeared.
The voice inside of him cried, No, come back! but he uttered not a single word out loud. Somewhere inside, Severus realized that it was too late to go after her. He hadn't known which part of his soul was to be kept, yet he should've known which was more important right off the bat. And now his chance was over.
He had let Lily go, his one love and best friend ever since the beginning.
