AN: You guys are amazing beyond words. Thank you...really, you have no idea how much you inspire me. Hope you are all doing well.
And yes, sorry that I apparently like to write disturbing/depressing/etc types of things...I someday will give some thought as to what it says about me. But, for right now, take care and enjoy. :)
CHAPTER 21
"I thought I lost you, until I realized with greater horror that I had actually lost myself."
CATHERINE POV
The silence that followed the gunshot was one that I genuinely feared would last forever.
That is, until the screaming started.
Door crashing in, four cops are swarming into the livingroom before I have a chance to even take my widened eyes from the sight of Liam's body, lying lifeless near the bookcase.
"Put the knife down!" one of the cops yells, stepping towards Sara.
Sara doesn't move, doesn't react to the commotion around us, staring blankly at the body of her brother, blood slowly pooling out from his temple onto the carpet.
"Now!" the cop yells louder, his gun trained on the back of Sara's head.
"Stop!" I yell, finally breaking out of my own trance at the sight of Sara with a loaded service weapon aimed straight at her. "She's a CSI! She's one of you!"
The cop ignores me, clicking the safety off his weapon. It's clear that all he cares about right now is what he sees before him. Which, happens to be a woman tied to a chair, a man lying on the ground with a bullet through his head, and Sara standing there amidst it all with a blood stained knife in her hands.
"I'm not going to ask you again! Drop the knife!"
Sara watches Liam's body, the slow and shaking rise of her chest as she drags in strangled breaths the only sign of life coming from her own body.
Nodding to his backup officers, the cop holsters his weapon as the others take his former position, each aiming their gun straight at Sara's back.
Without a word and faster than I can comprehend, the cop grabs Sara's arm and slams her wrist down onto his knee, forcing the knife from her grip.
"What are you doing?" I yell, watching in horror as the cop pushes Sara roughly to her knees and pulls her arms behind her back. "She's the victim you mother fucker!"
Tightening his cuffs around her still bleeding wrists, the cop kicks the knife towards the other officers to secure.
"Get your hands off her!" I scream desperately, wondering why the hell no one is listening to me. "She's hurt! She's the victim! Leave her alone!"
Pulling Sara to her feet, the cop barely offers me a glance as he forces Sara towards the front door and out of the house.
"Where are you taking her?" I yell after them, yanking against my restraints. "She didn't do anything!"
Stepping behind me, one of the cops cuts me free as the others move towards Liam, barking orders into their radios. Immediately, I bolt for the door that Sara disappeared through just moments before.
"Hey!" someone yells as they grab me tightly, almost lifting my feet from the ground as I struggle against them.
"Let me go!" I demand, my voice cracking. "God damnit, let me go!"
"Catherine?" Brass demands, stepping into the room.
Making his way to me at a near run, he grabs my shoulders tightly.
"Catherine! Look at me, calm down!"
"They took her, Jim!" I yell at him, still pulling desperately against the hands holding me in place. "She didn't do anything!"
"Okay, okay," Jim calls, holding out his hands. "I'll get it straightened out, Catherine. Okay? I won't let anything happen to her, I promise."
Nodding to the officer behind him, Jim takes me into his arms the moment the officer lets go of me.
Holding me tightly, he weathers my fists against his chest, holding me as my knees give out and my screams of rage turn into screams of anguish.
"It's okay, Cath," Jim calls softly, holding my head firmly against his chest. "Everything is going to be alright."
"And that's when he shot himself?" the officer asks for what has to be the third time.
"Yes," I answer tersely, "Test the GSR."
The cop doesn't comment, writing in his notebook without even looking at me, just like he's been doing the whole time he's been here.
"And where was CSI Sidle when that happened?" he questions in a flat tone that almost sounds bored.
"Same place she was the last time you asked me."
Finally looking up, he sends me a quirked brow.
Letting out a breath, I shake my head. "She was standing across from him, approximately six feet away, facing him with her right side to the bookcase."
"Hold still," the nurse behind me comments, holding my head in place.
"You sure you don't need help with that?" Nancy asks, continuing to stand anxiously at the nurse's back, watching her every move.
"Positive."
Nancy narrows her eyes, watching each and every stitch as it goes into the back of my head.
"Can I see her?" I ask the cop impatiently. "Is she here?"
"I don't know."
"Where's Brass?"
"I don't know."
Taking a deep breath, I try not to rip the needle from the nurse's hand and insert it into the cop's jugular.
"Could you find out?" I question tightly.
Finally letting out a sigh of his own, the cop closes his notebook. "Gladly."
Apparently he was as anxious to be rid of me as I was of him.
Wincing as the needle pulls against my hair, Nancy is immediately behind me.
"Let go," she demands, all but shoving the nurse out of the way.
"Nance…" I try, already feeling her hands replacing the nurse's.
"You'll thank me later," Nancy offers, making quick work of the remainder of the gash along the back of my head.
Shooting daggers at my sister, the nurse tosses bloody gauze into a biohazard bag.
"I'll get your discharge papers."
Leaving as quickly as the cop just did, I know somewhere deep inside I should be feeling bad for treating these people so harshly when they are only trying to do their jobs. But, to be quite honest, it is taking all of my self control to even be here at all when I have no clue what's happening with Sara.
No clue where she is, what they're doing to her.
"Done," Nancy calls behind me, adjusting my hair back into place after securing a bandage over the gash.
"Thanks," I tell her warmly, immediately standing so we are facing each other.
"I need to find her," I get out.
Nancy nods, "We need to find her."
Searching her eyes, I take a breath and try to thank her with my own. I simply don't have the words right now to do it justice.
Nancy simply nods in understanding, and I can tell from her own pale features that she is just as out of sorts as I am. I know she is still trying to process everything she's been told since the moment I was practically dragged here by Brass for medical treatment.
Looking around impatiently, Nancy eventually shakes her head.
"Screw the paperwork," she says. "Let's leave."
Eyes widening, I quirk my brow. "Can we do that?"
Nancy shrugs, "No one really looks at it anyway."
Shrugging myself, I grab my phone from the counter. "Let's go."
"Why is she still here?" I question Brass in confusion the second I enter the police department after learning that's where Sara is at.
Ushering me and my sister into a side room, Brass tries to give our conversation some privacy.
"They aren't charging her with anything so far, but won't agree to release her until the evidence from the gun is back."
Shaking my head, I run my hand through tangled hair.
"They act like they're doing some favor by not charging her," I state darkly. "But there's nothing to charge her with, she didn't do anything."
Brass takes a breath, placing his hand on my arm.
"I know that. You know that. But they need something more than just your statement before they release her," he tells me softly. "He used her service weapon to do it, Catherine."
"This is bullshit," I get out, feeling Nancy's hand place itself on my other arm.
Glancing over, her eyes are fixed on mine, and seeing her expression, some of my anger leaves me.
She's just as scared, just as angry, and my current approach absolutely is not helping anything or anyone.
Reaching over, I take her free hand in mine, giving it a squeeze of gratitude as I let out a slow breath.
Returning my gaze to Brass after a moment, I try to steady my emotions.
"Have they taken her statement yet?"
Something crosses Brass's expression, and he seems almost uncomfortable.
"They tried."
Furrowing my brows, I shake my head. "Tried?"
Taking a breath, Brass looks like he is struggling to control his own emotions.
"She's not responding to anyone," Brass offers quietly. "It's like she's not even there."
Closing my eyes, I fix them back on him when they open. "She's in shock, Jim."
Nodding, he pinches the bridge of his nose. "I know."
"Has she gotten medical attention?" I ask anxiously, having assumed she would have by now, but starting to wonder if that wasn't a false assumption.
"Yes, of course," he answers quickly, "I made sure of it."
"And?" Nancy asks, speaking for the first time, her own expression a bit more focused, more controlled.
"She should be alright," is his disconcertingly vague response.
I try to stay calm, try to be patient for when I can see Sara to determine for myself if she's okay.
Taking a deep breath, I ask another question that I'm not sure I really want the answer to.
"Has anyone found Mesa yet?" I breathe out, terrified at the thought of, on top of everything else, having to tell Sara that something happened to him.
Brass nods, sending me a small smile, "Yes, he was locked away in the garage."
I close my eyes, "And he's okay?"
"He's fine, he's with Doc Robbins. He and his wife offered to watch him until he can come home with you guys."
Breathing out, I pinch my temples. "Thank God."
Hearing a knock on the door, a middle-aged man steps in and hands Brass a case file. Glancing over at Nancy and I, he leaves the room as quickly as he entered it.
Opening the file, Brass quickly reads what is written there. After some very painful moments, he lets out a sigh of relief.
"She can go," he breathes out. "Evidence from the gun supports your account of events."
"Of course it does," I mutter under my breath, making my way immediately to the door.
Brass grabs his keys from his pocket and leads the way through the station towards the holding cells.
Reaching out, I take Nancy's hand in mine, not knowing what we're about to walk into, but knowing with absolute certainty this night isn't going to be easy for anyone involved.
Iron banging against iron, we step through the first of two security gates, waiting as Brass signs us in and fills out the necessary forms.
Making our way through the rows of holding cells, Sofia straightens up from where she was leaning against the wall.
Moving up to us, she sends me a nod before her attention goes to Brass.
"She's in 12B," she says quietly, pointing to the last cell on the right.
"Thanks," Brass nods, and I take hold of Sofia's arm as she moves past us.
"Thanks for staying with her," I offer, knowing that's exactly what Sofia was here doing, whether she would ever admit to it or not.
Sofia pauses, sending me a somber nod before walking away.
Steeling myself, Nancy squeezes my hand as we separate and close the final distance to cell 12B.
Stepping up to the bars, I see Sara sitting on the bunk, her feet drawn up as she stares at the wall across from her. She doesn't even look over as Brass unlocks the door.
Stepping hesitantly into the cell, Brass hands me a bag with Sara's possessions in it. Sending me a knowing look, he makes his way quietly out of the cell block.
Taking a breath, I cautiously approach Sara, not knowing in the least what the hell to do here. Things between Sara and I were complicated before all this, I don't even have words for what they are now.
What do you say to someone after their brother, their only remaining family member, kills themselves right in front of their eyes? What do you say to someone after you learn about the true extent of violence and abuse in their past? What do you say to someone who you turned your back on when you should have fought harder for them, fought harder for answers that you should have known all along?
Swallowing, I shake my head, focusing on the task ahead of me. There will be plenty of time for the rest later.
Taking a step towards Sara she doesn't react, and so I take another, and then another, until I am kneeling in front of her.
"Sar?" I question softly.
She doesn't move, eyes staring vacantly at the wall.
"Sara," I try again.
When she still doesn't respond, I tentatively reach out, very gently placing my hand on her back.
I don't know why, but it frightens me more when Sara doesn't even flinch than it would have if she had jerked away.
Reaching up, I run my fingers slowly through her hair, trying to still the pounding of my racing heart.
"Sara," I call. "Let's go home."
Still not responding, I feel Nancy kneel next to me.
"I think we're going to have to move her," Nancy suggests softly, her eyes haunted as they take in the sight before her, trying to keep herself together at seeing Sara like this. "I doubt she's even hearing you right now."
Nodding, I take a breath as I straighten up, Nancy following after.
Reaching over gently, I slowly turn Sara's body so her feet come to rest on the ground.
Looking over, Nancy meets my eyes before stepping to Sara's other side. Sending me a nod, we both take hold of an arm, slowly pulling Sara to her feet and hooking our arms around her waist.
Guiding her carefully, we make our way out of the cell blocks and out of the station, ignoring the curious eyes that follow us nearly the whole way.
Finally reaching my sister's Civic, Nancy places Sara in the back with her as I get behind the wheel.
Driving silently, we pull up to Nancy's house and direct Sara inside.
Once we make it through the doorway, Nancy moves ahead of us, flipping on lights and tossing her house keys onto the counter.
Turning back around, it's clear that we are both at a complete and utter loss for what to do.
"I want to look her over," Nancy tells me, eyes already taking in the bandages placed around Sara's wrists.
Nodding, I keep my grip on Sara firm, not confident that she would be able to support her own weight right now.
"Hold her steady?" Nancy asks.
"Yeah."
Reaching forward, Nancy gently makes her way from one cut to another, being sure that Sara's been taken care of properly.
"She had blood on her shirt before," I offer, gesturing with my chin to Sara's side. "Quite a bit of it."
Nodding, Nancy watches Sara's expression as she slowly lifts her shirt. Sara doesn't react at all, which only sets us further on edge.
Hearing my sister draw in a breath, I look down to see what got her attention.
"Jesus," I mutter, taking in the long gash along her side, already stitched up by someone at the station.
Looking further, Nancy finds couple more cuts, gently pressing against Sara's side where her skin is starting to bruise.
Pulling Sara's prison issued shirt back down, Nancy runs a hand through her hair, taking a deep breath to calm herself.
Swallowing, Nancy looks into Sara's eyes.
Reaching over, she flips the lights off and back on again, watching Sara's pupils.
"They're responsive, but she's clearly still in shock," she gets out, trying to keep her voice steady.
"Shouldn't she be at a hospital?" I ask seriously, growing more and more concerned every moment that Sara continues to stare vacantly ahead of her.
"Probably," Nancy states honestly. "But it's Sara."
I sigh, knowing the meaning behind her statement. That dragging Sara to a hospital would likely only make things worse for the brunette right now.
"So we do nothing?" I ask, not liking that idea either.
"We watch her," Nancy tells me. "We don't take our eyes off her until she comes out of this. And if things get worse, we get help."
Clenching my jaw at our deplorable options, I readjust my grip on Sara.
"I can stay with her tonight," Nancy offers quietly, clearly not knowing what the right thing to do or say is in regards to the situation between Sara and I.
I had filled her in somewhat at the hospital, gave her the basic gist about Liam, about the truth behind the pictures.
I didn't however, find it in me to share anything regarding Sara's past. Nancy knows there's a lot that went on that I'm not saying, but she's been respectful of my decision not to talk about it for now.
"No," I tell her quietly. "I want to be with her tonight."
Nodding, Nancy searches my eyes for a moment before turning away.
"I'll get her some clothes."
Barely having time to react, I grab Sara just in time before she jerks completely off the bed.
"Sara!" I yell, trying to keep my grip on her as she thrashes against me. "Stop!"
"Let go!" Sara yells, her voice tense and breaking with strain.
Pushing against me, Sara tries to get herself free.
"Don't touch me!" she yells out.
Lights flashing on, I blink against the brightness as my sister makes her way into the room at a near sprint.
"What the hell happened?" she asks me, trying to take in what's going on.
"She was asleep, and then she just started panicking!" I get out, trying to keep Sara from hurting herself.
"Sara…" Nancy calls, trying to help me restrain her.
"Don't fucking touch me!" Sara growls out, trying as hard as she can to get away.
"Sara," Nancy tries again, lifting her hands in surrender. "Look at me, Sara!"
Sara doesn't respond, pushing against me with such sudden force that I completely lose my grip.
Immediately, Sara backs away, placing herself flush against the wall, arm clenching tightly to her side.
"Sara…" I try, holding my own hands out in surrender as I slowly move towards her.
"Don't!" Sara yells lowly, "Don't you dare…"
Doubling over, Sara tries to stay on her feet, but her weakened leg isn't able to hold the awkward position, buckling under her and bringing her to her knees.
"Don't you fucking…"
Grabbing her side tighter, I watch as Sara starts to retch, her body throwing up anything she has inside of her. Which, as I watch her vomiting quickly transform into dry heaves, I realize isn't much.
Eyes meeting mine across the room, Nancy sends me a look.
I shake my head, not knowing what to do, what not to do.
What I do know is that it's torture to simply stand here and watch Sara doubled over in pain, her body rebelling against her.
"Sara, please," I try again, but staying where I'm at.
Heaving turning to coughing, Sara's expression shifts as she furrows her brows in what appears to be confusion at the sound of my voice.
"Sweetheart, look at me," I try again, nearly begging.
Finally, the words seem to reach her.
When her eyes meet mine, it's all I can do to keep myself together.
They look so exhausted, so pained, so confused.
"Cath?" she questions, eyes narrowing as she takes in the room around her.
Eyes reaching Nancy, she looks even more uncertain.
"Sara," Nancy tries, also keeping her position and not trying to approach her. "You're at my house…you're okay…"
Looking down, Sara takes in her appearance.
As soon as her eyes reach the bandage wrapped tightly around her left forearm, she closes her eyes, her breathing coming to a near stop.
"Liam," she gets out, her voice strained.
No one says anything for a good couple minutes, Nancy and I standing there at an absolute loss, Sara struggling to force in one shaking breath after another.
"I'm sorry," Sara finally gets out, her eyes dragging up to Nancy and me. "For what he did…"
"My God," I mutter, taking a step closer and dropping to my own knees in front of her. "Sara, honey, don't you dare."
Shaking her head, Sara keeps one hand clenched on her side while the other moves to cover her face.
"He hurt you… kidnapped you…he made you listen…" her words draw short, her body shaking as she tries to keep herself from breaking down.
"Don't you dare finish that statement," I tell her sternly, tears making their way from my eyes. "Ever, Sara. Don't you ever finish that statement."
No longer able to take it, I reach forward, grabbing Sara tightly and all but dragging her into my embrace.
"I'm so sorry, Sara," I get out, my own words choked with emotion. "I'm so sorry about your brother."
I may not know much about where we go from here – but the one thing I do know is that, in spite of everything that happened, everything that took place, Sara lost her brother tonight.
Regardless of the type of person he was or the mistakes in his life that he committed, he was her brother.
No one deserves to have to go through the things that they did. No one deserves to have to cope with the things that they did.
No one deserves to have to witness it all end the way that she did.
Body shaking against mine, I hold her tighter as an anguished sob makes its way from Sara's throat, her body finally surrendering to the emotion pouring through her.
"I'm so sorry," I repeat, knowing the words don't come close to making this okay. That nothing could ever come close to making any of this okay.
Clenching desperately to her as she is wracked with heart wrenching sobs, I close my eyes.
"Let it out, Sar," I whisper into her hair. "I got you, sweetheart."
Holding her tight, I feel my own tears mixing with hers, my heart trying not to shatter at the sight and sound of the strongest person I have ever met breaking down before me.
"I got you," I tell her, opening my eyes to raise them in silent prayer to anyone listening.
Help her, I beg.
Someone please help her make it through this.
AN: Thanks for reading.
