Nikola's heart leapt and faded all at the same time. A curious sensation he decided as he let go of Helen's arm.
"You shouldn't say things like that," he teased, well aware he was failing at his nonchalant tone. "Maybe one day I'll take you seriously and then where will you be? Stuck with a part vampire who is intent on blowing up each one of your labs."
"Nikola," she warned as he turned away. "I'm serious. I'd very much like you to stay here. For… for as long as you'd like," she tacked on, her voice betraying her uncertainty as it wavered. He felt his heart melt, adorable wasn't normally the first word he'd put next to her name but he figured that he could make an exception. So she didn't love him… he could deal with that. She wanted him with her, beside her, maybe that could be enough?
He turned to face her, trying to let some of the hurt leave his face, using her words as… well… as a candle to light his way, as clichéd as it was. He gave her what he hoped was a teasing smile as he turned only to find that she was much closer than he realised with her eyes taking on that misty quality that told him she was upset. Without thinking, he closed the distance between them, lowering his lips to hers, only to divert them at the last second, landing on her cheek instead, a cruel parody of Rome.
She let out a sigh as she raised a hand, stroking his cheek while the other arm wound around him. "Thank you," she sighed into his ear and he shuddered.
"For what?" he queried, trying to be cool as he pulled away to look into her clear blue eyes that still set his heart a flutter after all these years.
"For being the gentleman," she said with a genuine smile and Nikola cursed internally.
"Sometimes I hate the Victorian gentleman in me," he said darkly, not entirely aware he'd said it out loud until he heard Helen gasp as she understood what he was saying.
He stopped breathing, suddenly aware the only reason he could hear her gasp was because they were still standing together, far too close considering the size of the library they were standing in. He swallowed and toyed with the idea of stepping back but shot it down immediately, if she wasn't going to then he wouldn't either.
"Nikola, I…" she trailed off, her voice barely more than a whisper as she stared into his eyes.
She couldn't help but draw comparisons, with John she'd always felt small, feeble and female but with Nikola… she felt like an equal, a sensation she had to admit was far more satisfying than the contemplation of submission.
He was holding her breath, she could see it. He was tense, holding perfectly still, waiting for her to move only she couldn't. No matter what she did, it would be bad. She couldn't take another step towards him but the thought of taking one back hurt.
"Nikola," she said carefully, trying very hard not to look at his lips. "Could you take a step back? Please?"
Nikola's face fell but he remained still. "Please?" she tried again. She could feel herself starting to arch towards him and she fought it, refusing to hurt him anymore than she already had.
"Please?" she whimpered, unable to hold out much longer. She knew somewhere in the last 100 years she'd grown strong, stronger than the woman who was about to fall into his arms but she couldn't remember any of the reasons her heart had become so steely.
"Why can't you?" he asked, his head cocking to the side, his breath stirring her hair.
She closed her eyes and bit her lip, trying to block out those piercing eyes but it seemed that they had imprinted themselves on her, she was unable to escape. "I… just… I can't," she said, opening her eyes. He was still staring at her and she found herself wishing that he'd ignore her and close the gap, kiss her senseless and then… and then… she couldn't put it into words, dark and beautiful images flashing through her head.
With a gasp she lurched forwards, the full length of her body pressed into his. He inhaled sharply but before he could even think about making a move, she pulled back, her hands on his arms, giving her space. "I'm sorry," she said shakily, her eyes wide as she dropped her arms. Her body had betrayed her again.
Nikola said nothing, staring into her eyes, studying her. Slowly, his mouth began to curl into a smirk. It didn't escape her notice that this was only after his breathing returned to normal. "You're too strong for me, Helen," he grinned at her before turning back to the abandoned glass of wine beside them.
Helen let out an uncertain laugh, hoping like hell he didn't realise how close she'd been to… to… to saying those unthinkable words. She knew it was just desperation talking, she knew it. She had to get out of here.
But she couldn't. Not without making a proper apology. She'd come down here guns blazing to tell him off but somehow things had turned and she was the love struck girl of her youth again, Nikola breaking down everything she'd built up to hide herself from the world.
"I'm sorry," she said again and she would have continued but Nikola held up a hand to silence her.
"Don't, it's fine," he said, turning to offer her a smile.
"No, it's not," Helen said earnestly. His face darkened. "It's not alright for me to behave like this, not when I can see it's hurting you." She stepped closer to him as he turned away, gently raising a hand to place on his arm. "You must know, Nikola, hurting you was never my intention."
"All good intentions go astray," he muttered, moving out of her hand.
She stood silent, unhurt by his words, aware she had caused them.
There was a beat of silence as Nikola took another drink. "Love sought it good," he quoted with a flourish, "but giv'n unsought is better," he finished, not looking at her.
Helen took a steadying breath, before responding, ignoring the words, moving straight to their meaning. "Can we not go into this again?" she said, unable to keep the exasperation out of her voice.
Nikola looked over at her, contempt in his eyes but said nothing. "I am sorry for everything I did," she began, moving towards him.
"Please, Helen, I don't want your pity," he spat, moving away from her.
"Why on earth would I pity you?" she asked. "Today should have been the happiest day of your life, your new life," she reminded him, a glimmer of a smile on her face. Nikola scoffed and rolled his eyes. "How can anyone pity a vampire?" she asked, openly kidding with him.
"Today was brilliant," he hissed at her, "Today was magnificent until you made it perfectly clear just how much I mean to you." Helen stood her ground as he glared at her, trying to still the growing fire inside her. She opened her mouth but he shushed her with a hand. "I know, I know," he said sarcastically, "You're sorry." Then, after a pause, "Do you want me to leave?"
"Of course not!" she exclaimed, stepping towards him, "Of course I don't want you to leave, you're one of my only friends left in this world. I'm sorry for hurting you, Nikola, I truly am but I don't want you to leave."
"That doesn't make it better," he said, turning to face her, his broken heart clear. "Knowing you regret what almost happened doesn't make me feel better. You kissed me because you thought you'd lose me, you thought now I've got all my powers back that I'd run off and you were afraid. And instead of telling me, instead of using your words you did the one thing that you knew would keep me by your side. You were willing to sleep with me, knowing I could never leave you if I did what you asked. You were going to use me, Helen. You were going to use me," he finished, his eyes pleading with her to stop this.
Helen opened her mouth a few times but nothing came out. She was overwhelmed by guilt she hadn't known was there, the truth of his words making her blood run cold. She knew there was something to her actions but she simply used the tired old idea of making herself feel alive, reaffirming that he was still alive. The way her heart was now thumping in her chest was, unfortunately telling her otherwise.
Bugger.
Nikola was still looking at her, a kind of tortured adoration that made her literally sick to her stomach. She stumbled. Her hand shot out to grab something, anything to steady herself as she bent double. He had been several metres away but the first thing her hand found was his.
His hand held hers as he led her over to the sofa, sitting her down, concern in his eyes. He knelt at her side, holding her hand tight as she took deep, shaky breaths.
"I am so sorry, Nikola," she gasped out between breaths. Her eyes locked on his and he saw everything, everything she couldn't ever put into words, her sadness, regret, anxiety, sorrow… he could go on and on but when he saw the love in her eyes, he stopped, not allowing himself to read something that she had assured him was never there.
Her hand tightened on his as her breathing returned to normal although the few tears that rolled down her cheeks did not escape his attention. Gently, he reached up with his free hand and wiped them away, his eyes never leaving hers. She flinched as his thumb brushed away a tear just above her lip but she made no move to stop him. He cupped her cheek for a second before letting her go, making to stand but she wouldn't let him.
Gently, she pulled him to sit on the couch next to her, never letting go of his hand. He opened his mouth to talk but she silenced him, covering his lips with her own. Her earlier desperation was back with a vengeance, her lips devouring his as her tongue tried to coax his into action. Using all his restraint, Nikola pulled back. Her eyes were bright and her breathing wild.
"Please," she murmured, leaning back into him, their lips too close for his comfort. He rested his forehead against hers and closed his eyes.
"I want to, you know I do Helen. But I can't," he whispered hoarsely, unwilling to admit how much her latest kiss had undone him.
"I don't want you to hurt," she whispered back and he could tell her eyes were closed.
Nikola let out a small chuckle. "This hurts," he murmured back, squeezing tight the hand he was still holding.
"I know."
There was a moment of silence before Helen spoke again. "I can't say it, Nikki," she said brokenly, using the nickname she'd given him a very long time ago. Despite current circumstances, he still hated it. "I can't say what you need me to say," she continued, her voice pitching as she spoke.
Nikola said nothing but pulled away, ignoring the fact that she hadn't said she didn't love him. "Why not?"
He knew he shouldn't ask but the urge was overwhelming.
"Because I can't," she said angrily, eyes downcast. "It's dangerous," she whispered quietly, Nikola only just catching what she had said.
"I am not John," he said clearly and she flinched as he said the other man's name. As much as he'd tease her about falling for a psychopath, they never spoke about John, ever. He had been the source of much contention between them even back when they were mortal and to bring him up now… Nikola knew he was risking everything.
She made to withdraw her hand from his but he refused. "I am not John," he said again, desperately seeking her eye. She let out a strange little hiccup as she tried to pull away from him. "No," he said sternly, fighting her.
"I can't," she said again, her voice louder but still heart-breaking.
"Please," Nikola begged, not realising he'd said it until she opened her eyes wide, finally looking at him.
She waited for a moment before kissing him, pouring everything she couldn't say into that kiss. He knew she loved him, he could tell. He kissed her back, begging her with each slant of his lips to say the words, to make him certain. Her hands moved to cup his face and he knew she wouldn't say it just to get her way, if she said it, it was because she loved him. Nikola deepened the kiss, gently biting on her bottom lip, making her groan.
"I can't," she murmured into his lips, "I can't."
"I love you," he said harshly, pulling back.
"I love you," he said again, this time, whispering it. They both sat back for a moment, watching each other warily as they collected their respective thoughts.
After a moment Helen gave him a weak smile before leaning in, kissing him again but this time her lips were gentle, sweet, loving. Her lips caressed his with such tenderness that Nikola thought his heart would burst. He held her tight, letting the sweetness of it rush through his body, well aware that a kiss like this would break his heart in the morning. She moaned against his lips and his heart began to swell with hope and desperation.
He let one hand tangle in her hair as she mumbled softly against his lips but in his heart he knew that though would only end in disaster.
With that thought, he pulled back, prepared for her disappointment.
When he looked her in the eye, he saw a lightness, a buoyancy that confused him. Helen let out a laugh and smiled at him. She leaned back in, kissing him once, twice and then a third time.
"You didn't hear me, did you?" she asked, a smile creeping on to her face at his lack of understanding. "Of all the things," she chastised before smacking him lightly in the arm.
"What?" Nikola asked, confused by the not inconsiderable turn in her mood.
Helen let out another very un-Helen laugh.
"What?"
"I said I love you too."
