At first, they allowed her to play the piano and guitar. It was her escape. When the music flowed over her, she found freedom. Her mind roamed the world, taking in sights she could only imagine before. Then, she discovered that the music changed. It was no longer just what she knew, but she managed to learn what they knew. The strength that came with that intoxicated her.
Then, they realized what she'd done. The power that she gained from music stopped immediately. The next time she picked up the guitar, pain ripped through her neck, down her spine, and spread into ever portion of her body. It immobilized her and stayed with her for days afterward. When the pain let off, they forced her to pick up the guitar again, causing the same amount of pain. It was a lesson in submission, one she learned after a month of sheer agony. By then, however, the damage was done. Every time she considered rebelling, the pain came. She often wondered how they did it even as she cowered on a bed, trying to forget that she even existed.
Lorne heard a whimper behind him and stopped. Anna had met him this morning, appearing like she'd slept the night before. That was unusual, but the whimper concerned him. He turned as she hit the deck, her knees making a resounding thud. By the time he got to her side, she'd curled into a fetal position, put her hands to her head, and began to rock slightly, her eyes shut tightly enough that only one tear escaped. Lorne knelt over her, knowing that he shouldn't touch her but afraid not to. He put a hand to her shoulder and touched the radio he wore in his ear. "Med teams to my location. I've got a man down."
"Acknowledged." Beckett's voice was business-like.
Anna moaned from her place on the ground, and Lorne wished he knew more about first aid. Instead, he chose to talk to her. "Hang on, the doc's coming."
Suddenly, she blinked at him. "Major?" She tried to sit up.
He helped her lean against the wall of the hallway. "Just relax. Dr. Beckett will be here shortly."
Confusion covered her face. "I'm fine."
"No, you're not." Lorne met her eyes. "You're going to ride on the gurney to the infirmary and let Dr. Beckett examine you. People don't just fall over and curl into a ball for no reason."
She looked ready to fight him, but Beckett chose that moment to appear. "And what have we got here? Dr. Travis?"
Anna pushed Lorne's hand off her shoulder and tried to push Beckett away. "I'm fine."
"Like heck you are." Beckett glanced at Lorne, who shook his head. "The major doesn't call in a man down if someone is fine. Now, let's have a look."
Although her eyes narrowed, Anna allowed Beckett to take her blood pressure and pulse. Lorne waited, knowing the doc would find an elevated heart rate. He wasn't entirely sure what had happened, but he had a pretty good idea. Last night, he'd wondered if he should step back and leave Anna to Ronon. Now, he decided that he'd better not. Ronon probably had no idea of how severe the flashbacks had become, and he wouldn't know what to look for until Anna pulled something like she'd just done with him.
Lorne frowned as Beckett helped Anna onto the stretcher. A few years ago, a friend of his was diagnosed with PTSD. Lorne remembered the days his friend had come to work exhausted and fighting to remain distant from everyone around him. Only after the diagnosis did things get better. Now, as he walked behind Beckett, he ground his teeth together. He should have recognized the signs. The hyper-vigilance, the exhaustion, the unwillingness to talk about anything from the past, the withdrawal. . .all classic signs of PTSD. Anna had likely suffered for a long time, but she had not known people who cared enough to notice the symptoms.
In the infirmary, Lorne took up a position beside Anna's head as Dr. Beckett examined her. He would have given them privacy, but Anna seemed intent on lying to the doctor. That stops now, Lorne decided. Rather than giving her space, he placed a hand on her shoulder. It seemed to calm her, and it reminded her that a ranking officer on Atlantis had sent her here. Lorne wasn't above using his rank if required.
Finally, Beckett made his way back to the pair. "Well, Anna, I've drawn blood, but I don't think I'll find anything unusual for you." He glanced a Lorne before continuing. "I think you're exhausted and refusing to accept some things. Have you talked to anyone since you've been on Atlantis?"
Anna squirmed under Lorne's hand. "No." She glanced up at him from the corner of her eye. "I'm not exactly liked here. Or at home, for that matter."
Beckett's eyes sparkled at the face Lorne made. "Lass, you're liked a lot more than you know. I've seen you with Sheppard and his team as well, so I know you have a few friends. Find one you can talk to, or go see Dr. Heightmeyer. That's what she's here for." He held up a bottle of medication. "This is a very low dose of Ambien. Take one if you're unable to fall asleep by yourself. I also want you to take the day to rest."
Anna nodded meekly and accepted the medication. Lorne left her briefly to follow Beckett. "Doc, anything I can do to help her?"
Beckett turned, his eyes sharpening. "Aye. Be a friend. Let her know you're there to help her. Sometimes, people with these symptoms have trouble seeing a psychologist. While that would help Anna, she's going to need others she can trust with whom to share her secrets. And she needs closure."
Lorne nodded. "I've seen this before, and it didn't end well."
"Aye." Beckett glanced at Anna before pinning Lorne in place with a look. "Let's see that this time doesn't end that way, shall we, Major?"
"You got it, Doc." He returned to Anna's bedside and helped her to her feet. She moved like a woman in severe pain. "Doc says you can go, but you've got to take it easy for the day."
"Believe me when I say that won't be a problem." Anna winced as she straightened, the pills clenched in her fist. "Thank you for being there, Major."
"Anytime." Lorne led her toward the door, not touching her but not far away either. She moved slowly, and they drew a few glances in the halls. Anna held her head up and walked past those people, but Lorne knew the rumor mill would be buzzing by evening. He stayed silent until they reached Anna's door. "Try to rest. If you need to, take one of those pills."
Anna glanced at the bottle in her hand as she opened the door to her quarters. "I just might do that." She turned and gave him a smile. "Thank you for being there."
Lorne didn't comment. He didn't need to. As she slipped into her room, he caught a glimpse of an electronic piano next to the window. He waited until the door closed to glance around. No wonder he'd enjoyed the rendition of Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" a nearly week ago. If Anna played the piano the way she played the guitar, she was talented enough to do Beethoven justice. Lorne shook his head as he walked away from her door. There was no stepping back now.
SGA SGA SGA SGA
Anna stood just inside her room and stared at the medication in her hand. Why would a flashback pick now to manifest? She rolled her eyes at herself and tossed the pills on the bed. She'd had minor flashbacks before, but they were always vague and similar to déjà vu. She had always pulled herself out of them with little trouble. This time, however, it had hit with the ferocity of a charging rhino. She hadn't even fully realized what happened until she came out of it with Lorne kneeling over her, calling for a med team.
Too tired to think and too wired to sleep, Anna grabbed the bottle of pills and took one. She would likely regret this, but she needed sleep. After a hot soak in the bathtub, she felt the medication take the edge off of the energy and climbed into bed. She quickly braided her hair and fell asleep within half an hour.
Six hours later, Anna woke suddenly. The nightmares hadn't come this time, but she felt them hovering on the edges of her consciousness. She glanced at the clock and blinked. She hadn't slept this long in over a month. Most of her nights averaged between three and four hours of sleep. She rose and picked a cream-colored dress from her closet. She didn't wear it often, but it was her favorite. The sleeveless dress boasted a collar that opened into a deep "V," almost deep enough to show a bit of cleavage but not quite. The soft fabric fell around her ankles and brushed the tops of her feet. Anna smiled. They had made her wear this type of gown, and she'd continued the habit. It was the one thing she held onto because it made her feel elegant and womanly.
A simple string of faux pearls completed the dress, and Anna pulled her hair from its braid. The brown waves contrasted with the cream dress and heightened the healthy, tanned glow of her skin. She smiled. At times like this, she truly felt beautiful.
That evening, she joined Sheppard, Teyla, Ronon, and McKay for dinner. The habit began after Teyla discovered her playing guitar in the meditation room, and the four seemed to welcome her. After enduring a day of stares and mistrust from other scientists from Earth, she basked in the acceptance and friendship, trying to soak up as much of it as possible against the next day. As she ate, though, she thought back to that morning and to the gentle care Lorne had given her before Dr. Beckett appeared. It seemed that she had another friend in the major, as well.
Anna had just returned to her quarters when an entry request sounded. She waved a hand in front of the panel and smiled when she saw Lorne outside her door. "Major."
He blinked. "Doc. I stopped by to see how you're doing."
"I'm doing pretty good." She saw a woman from her department pass and give them a curious look. "Care to come in?"
Lorne entered the room and seemed unsure. Anna smiled at his back as the door closed behind him. For a man who knew exactly what to do when a crisis hit, it was interesting to see him unable to figure out how to act in a woman's home.
He cleared his throat and seemed to find a focus. "You play the piano as well?"
"Yes." For Anna, it was a simple admission, not pride. She'd been told that she was a prodigy and gifted in music for so many years that it had stopped being a compliment.
Lorne motioned. "Would you play something?"
"Sure." She slipped onto the stool and suddenly wondered if this was a good idea. Most everyone on Atlantis knew she played guitar by now. They had all heard her play or heard of her playing at one time or another. The piano was different. Her grandmother had taught her to play it as well, but it had been the last thing her grandmother heard. Just before she died, the woman had asked Anna to play her piece for an upcoming recital. An hour later, she was gone.
Not wanting to dwell on the sad memory, Anna opened her music book and found Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata." It was her all-time favorite, and she had practiced it recently. After beginning the count in her head, she began to play. Her fingers floated across the keys, and she played as much by memory as by the sheet music in front of her. Pages turned. The music swelled and ebbed, and Anna glanced at the man beside her.
Lorne wasn't watching the music or her hands. He stared at her face, his eyes wide. Anna looked back at her music, a small shiver beginning in her stomach. No man had looked at her like that since Jim Barringer. She glanced at Lorne again. No, she corrected herself, no man has ever looked at me like that. When Jim had looked at her, he always had a predatory gleam in his eye. Lorne stared like she was a treasure, a thing of beauty too precious to describe in words. It almost seemed that he was trying to memorize her face.
Anna's fingers slipped on the keys, and she stopped suddenly. "Sorry."
"No, that's okay." He finally looked away from her. "That was beautiful."
"Beethoven. Out of all his works, that's my favorite."
His eyes went back to her face. "I understand why."
Anna shifted on the stool, suddenly awkward as she watched him stand. She realized, for the first time, just how attractive the dark-haired major really was. Even though he still wore his uniform, she knew that there was more to Lorne than he allowed most people to see. Anna suddenly wanted to uncover those parts of him.
Lorne said goodnight a few moments later, and Anna stood at the closed door, thinking about what had just occurred. She had sworn that she would never open herself up to a man like she had with Jim Barringer. Being that open and honest had allowed her to get hurt. Now, as she remembered Lorne's expression as she played, she wondered if she should take that step again. Was she ready to share the nightmares, the guilt and anger that followed her from day to day? Did she have what it took to build a relationship with someone who risked his life for people from a completely different galaxy than his own? She fell asleep that night before she answered those questions.
~TBC~
Author's Note: Okay, so here's where some of the fluff comes in, if you don't count the stuff before this as fluff. But I needed some way for Anna to realize that it was okay to be attracted to a man, whether Ronon or Lorne. The information about PTSD was found on about. com . If this isn't entirely accurate, I apologize. I'm a music major at my local college, not a nursing or pre-med student. I'm stuck with the information I can pull off the internet. As always, hope you enjoy, and I look forward to hearing from you. ~lg
