So, to summarize, without anything even vaguely resembling an explanation, I found myself staying the night in a crashed ship with a crazed mercenary wearing red spandex and a retired general who, while usually a very nice guy, won't hesitate to shoot fire from his hands when aggravated. Needless to say, even for me, it was a weird day. So imagine my surprise when I woke up the next morning in the same bunk I lay down in the previous night, and not my own bed as I was fully expecting. After all, what possible explanation was there for this series of events other than a dream? I expected to have ended everything by going to sleep. But as it turned out, things were only beginning. We weren't the only ones in this boat …


Deep underground, in one of Aperture Science's many immaculately white testing chambers, stood a four foot tall figure. Between his wide green eyes, striped yellow fur, and large pointed ears, his appearance was that of a cutesy animal on two legs. This effect was thoroughly undermined, however, by the futuristic armour he wore and the massive firearm he brandished. His tail flicked disinterestedly as he guarded his new team-mate.

"How are you doing with that door?" he called over his shoulder.

"Pretty good, Ratchet," she answered. She was an inordinately tall woman wearing a purple and white leotard. Her eyes, hair, and skin were all bright green. "Although, it's heavy-duty. I need more time to pry it open."

"Yeah, sure."

The panels at the back of the room flipped open abruptly, showing a row of white egg-shaped turrets, mounted on three spindly legs. The red lasers coming out of the eye-like sensor in the middle of their bodies all centred on Ratchet, and their sides opened, revealing a row of machine guns.

"I. See. You," one taunted in a infantile robotic voice.

"Oh man," was all Ratchet said.

As one, the turrets opened fire. Ratchet flipped to the side, and as soon as he landed, he began returning fire on the turrets. They were flimsy on their three legs and they didn't take many energy bullets before falling over, upon which they would emit a childish scream, empty their bullet chambers haphazardly, and shut down.

Ratchet focused his efforts on the ones on the right, and in doing so stepped out of visual range of the ones on the left. Those turrets realigned their sights on to his team-mate, and opened fire. She grunted from the impact of several streams of machine gun fire striking her back. Jumping behind cover, she yelled "Hey! You're supposed to be guarding me!"

"Sorry!" apologised Ratchet, sliding behind cover himself, "I'm kinda busy over here!"

His team-mate rolled her eyes. She bent down and ripped a tile the size of a dinner-table from the floor, hefted it over her head, and yelled "She-Hulk smash!" With that she threw the tile at the turrets, knocking most of them down. She-Hulk crossed the room in a single bound and unbalanced the rest by hand.

Ratchet shot a few more turrets and downed the last with a well-aimed throw of his wrench. "Sorry about that," he said, catching his wrench as it bounced back off the turret.

"I. Don't. Blame. You," offered the turret. Ratchet and She-Hulk stared at it.

"It's okay," said She-Hulk after a time. "I mean, it's more okay than letting someone else take machine guns to the back. But it's still not great."

"On the bright side, that's the last of the turrets," said Ratchet.

No sooner had he said this that, with a loud grinding noise, the ceiling began to descend.

"Oh," said Ratchet. "Awesome."

"I'll… go back to that door now," said She-Hulk, jumping back. She resumed pulling as she had been, but the door was slow to move.

Ratchet took out a different gun, aimed at the ceiling, and fired. A shell exploded against the ceiling to no effect. "That's me out of ideas," he said.

"That's a pity, because this door's not budging!" yelled She-Hulk.

Before either could utter a pithy comment about their imminent painful death, the door unexpectedly slid open smoothly. In the doorway stood a man dressed mostly as a doctor; white lab-coat, tie, black trousers and shoes, stethoscope. However, he was also wearing a black mask that covered his face except for his blue eyes and amber eyebrows, and a katana was affixed to his back.

She-Hulk and Ratchet hurried into the small room he stood in, and watched the ceiling eventually meet the floor.

"So, I imagine the indirect approach worked?" asked She-Hulk.

"It did," replied the ninja. "Although I had a lot more luck getting the door to work than the elevator."

"Let me handle that, Doc," said Ratchet. He strode up to the elevator shaft which occupied the centre of the tiny room, wrench in hand.

"You know, crazy as this place is," remarked She-Hulk conversationally, "I don't think the turrets and crushings are completely unintentional."

Dr McNinja nodded. "I agree. And I imagine that there's only one person who could be working the controls."

"Who's that then?" asked Ratchet, examining the elevator.

"The man mentioned in that letter, of course," said McNinja. "M Bison."


Sly and Deadpool walked through the tight, winding corridors of the ship. Or, more accurately, Sly walked through the ship's corridors while Deadpool matched his pace by skipping, flipping, striding, sliding, cartwheeling, dancing, and moon-walking.

"So, what have you found so far?" asked Sly.

"Not much, hombre raccoonus," replied Deadpool. "Aside from the bridge, there's a busted up engine room, a big hangar with some shuttles, a little medical room, and a fancy boardroom with some spinny seats."

"That isn't a lot," agreed Sly. "You sure you checked everywhere?"

"Ah, that's the thing," said Deadpool matter-of-factly. "Those are the memorable rooms. There are tons on this boat, too many to count. Iroh's probably napping in one right now."

"Fair enough, I suppose. What about outside?"

"There's that deck you can see from the bridge, and a big old tower at the back."

"That it?"

"Yurp."

"Alright. Thanks for filling me in." Sly opened a hatch leading outside. "Say, this tower... how tall is it?"

Deadpool shook a hand. "Ihunno. More than ten storeys, at least."

Sly grinned. "Good. I wouldn't want to get complacent."


Dr McNinja strolled through another test chamber, Ratchet and She-Hulk close behind him. A panel opened up to their side, revealing another row of turrets. Ratchet fired an explosive and sent the machines spinning hectically into the air before they even had a chance to aim.

"You know, something tells me this place was designed for someone with a little less gun," he said.

"It's not the size of the gun, it's how you use it," retorted She-Hulk.

Ratchet was about to comment regarding She-Hulk's expertise in that matter when he bumped into McNinja, who had stopped.

"You two be quiet. Or at least, more inventive in your insults. I hear something up ahead."

The doctor slid noiselessly against a wall, moved along it, and soon was peering around a corner. He motioned for the others to follow him, having determined it was safe.

The three entered a larger room, similar to the others they had been in; huge, white, and littered with Science. Unlike the others, however, there was a large screen affixed high on the wall, and it displayed the image of a man.

This was no ordinary man. There were many features which made his appearance notable; his hugely muscular frame, his bright red military uniform (complete with peaked hat), and his solidly white eyes. And yet, his most striking feature was the most comparatively mundane - his wide, toothy grin.

"Ah, there you are!" he cried happily. "My apologies. I had a little trouble getting this camera to work."

"But no problems with the descending ceilings or turrets?" asked Ratchet.

The man laughed. "My, how astute! You certainly catch on quickly."

Dr McNinja grumbled. "That was totally my theory…"

"Permit me to introduce myself," said the man. "My name is M Bison. The M stands for Magnificence. I am your opponent."

"We know," said She-Hulk shortly. "There was a letter."

"Yes," said Bison, "well. Nonetheless. I look forward to facing you gentlemen warriors. Good times will be had, and spines will be broken. In fact, so excited am I for this upcoming bout of ours that I've grown quite bored of sitting here by my lonesome. I've cleared the path ahead for you. Do hurry up. Adieu!" The screen went black.

"Interesting guy," remarked Ratchet. "He seems very… friendly."

"Let's not dawdle," said She-Hulk, cracking her knuckles. "I can't wait to knock a few off those big white teeth out."

Dr McNinja again took point, leading the group through a newly opened door, muttering something about the World's Greatest Detective.


Iroh woke from his nap, and immediately winced. He sat up and gingerly examined his arm. The wound was more severe than he had realized: Maleficent had left several jagged gashes, and while Iroh's military training had enabled him to stop the bleeding relatively quickly, his arm was still very painful. He knew that in this state, he couldn't Firebend effectively.

He stood up shakily. He decided to see if there was anything on hand to numb his pain - herbs, perhaps. Of course, he knew that there wasn't much he could do about the arm himself, but it was better than nothing.

Keeping his arm close to his chest, he pushed open the door with his good hand and headed down the hallway.


With M Bison working with them, and not against them, it didn't take long for the three heroes to make their way towards their opponent. They took a direct route, cutting through not only the gleaming test chambers, but also abandoned offices, mechanical tubing, and the dank, rusty in-between spaces which were hidden in every corner of Aperture Science. The complex was even more vast, complicated, and needlessly deadly than the three of them had imagined.

They arrived at the centre, and took a moment to take in the sight. They were stood in yet another office, one that could be found in any company headquarters; except for the fact the windows gave a view of an immense cylindrical pit. The pit was so vast that neither the top nor the bottom could be seen from their viewpoint. In the middle, seemingly held aloft by the myriad of thin wires attached to it, was a long and thin metallic structure. A single walkway attached it to the office the three stood in.

"Stylish," She-Hulk said eventually.

"That walkway has no railings…" noted Ratchet.

"Does this worry you?" asked McNinja.

"No," answered Ratchet, "but it is a little weird."

"Time's wasting, fellas," said She-Hulk. "Let's keep moving."

They quickly navigated through the office, past an empty room where a presentation about the company's supercomputer played automatically. They came to a narrow doorway which lead to the walkway. Ratchet took point, more than a little nervous of Bison being prepared to break the walkway as soon as they all used it. Dr McNinja went behind him, somewhat more relaxed.

A laser grid erected itself sharply as soon as both Ratchet and the doctor stood on the walkway, cutting off She-Hulk from the two others.

"I'm sorry, but I was clear," intoned M Bison's voice over the intercom. "I am awaiting a battle with gentlemen warriors. I'll deal with the woman separately."

"Oh cool, he's prejudiced," remarked Ratchet. "That basically gives us free reign to really kick the stuffing out of him. You know. For equality."

"Prejudiced and pretty stupid to boot," commented She-Hulk. "I mean, if you're going to be misogynist, don't be misogynist in front of the giant radioactive woman."

Dr McNinja briefly examined the grid. "Looks hastily put together. Should be fairly simple to get you past this somehow, She-Hulk."

She-Hulk waved a hand indifferently. "It's fine. You two go on ahead and warm him up for me. I'll find a way across."

Ratchet and Dr McNinja began to traverse the walkway. It was suspended over a huge chasm, the bottom of which was out of sight.

"The space in this place is insane," noted Ratchet, looking over the edge. "Say, Doc. Maybe it would be a good idea if instead of you facing him with me, you use your ninja tricks to…" Ratchet looked up to see he was alone on the walkway. "Huh. Never mind. I guess."

Casting a wistful glance at his own back, Ratchet checked his gun, crossed the walkway, and kicked down the door.

The room was spacious and as coldly clean as any test chamber. To Ratchet's immediate left and right, there was a tight space that housed two computer consoles. However, this area opened out to a wide, circular room. In the centre, there was an ergonomic glass platform, and it was upon this that M Bison sat. He swung his legs over the side, grinning. His grin only widened when he saw the Lombax enter the room.

"Ah! There you are." M Bison hopped down. The floor cracked very slightly where his feet landed. "Where is your compatriot?"

"You mean the ninja?" asked Ratchet. "I don't know. He's a ninja."

M Bison laughed. "Ha. Yes. Very clever."

There followed from this an awkward pause, where neither fighter made any move.

"Uh," said Ratchet, "well?"

"I could ask the same of you," replied M Bison, "although I would choose larger words to do so."

"Right... So... What exactly are you waiting for?"

"For you to put down that weapon of yours. I only fight man-to-man."

"Oh. Yeah, that's going to be a problem. I only fight behind a nice big gun."

M Bison's face fell. "Please tell me that's not the truth."

"Well, a big wrench works too..." Ratchet levelled his blaster at M Bison. The warlord seemed concerned, so Ratchet taunted "What's wrong? Have you suddenly grown a brain? Be a real shame to blow it out of your head so soon."

"On the contrary, I am not frightened, merely… disappointed," said Bison. "Here we are, two noble -"

"Yeah, yeah, gentlemen warriors…"

"- and you mean to do battle with a firearm?" M Bison shook his head. "For shame, sir."

Ratchet scoffed. "I'm like a third your size! A fist-fight wouldn't be fair at all!"

"Be that as it may, it is how true warriors do battle."

As Ratchet and M Bison continued to argue about honour, Dr McNinja slowly crept out from behind one of the computer consoles. He sat down and began tapping at the keyboard, trying to gain access to Aperture's systems. This was more his brother's territory, but the doctor assured himself that he could probably do what had to be done.

M Bison sighed loudly. "That's it. I tire of this." He rushed forward suddenly, catching Ratchet by surprise. Ratchet managed to flip to the side, but Bison grabbed his blaster and flung it away. Ratchet produced another and Bison kicked it out of his hand. Another, and Bison slapped it. Another, and Bison crushed the barrel.

"How many of these do you have?!" he demanded.

"Lots," smiled Ratchet. "You'll be at this a while."

Bison grabbed Ratchet by the throat and lifted him. "Better, then, to just crush your skull and be done with it."

Ratchet kicked at Bison's muscular arms, but it was futile. He tried firing at Bison's head, but the larger fighter's hold didn't allow him the aim. Things were desperate for Ratchet.

It was quite fortuitous, then, that at that moment a green fist slammed into the side of Bison's head. Surprised, he released Ratchet and stumbled away a few steps.

She-Hulk helped the Lombax stand. "You okay?"

"Yeah," he said. "Where'd you spring from?"

"Laser-grid gave out," she grinned. "Guess McNinja did it."

"Sure did!" called McNinja from the computer.

M Bison collected himself, raised his fists, and examined She-Hulk. "Oh, marvellous. At least tell me you fight with your fists?"

"It's the only way to go," she replied.

M Bison shrugged to himself. "Beggars can't be choosers." He ran at her.

Bison and She-Hulk soon blended into a brawling blur of green and red. Ratchet picked up his nearest weapon and locked on to Bison, but stopped himself from firing. She-Hulk was always too close to avoid collateral damage. Ratchet, keeping his sights trained on Bison, slowly backed away until he was next to McNinja.

"Aren't you gonna join in?" he queried.

McNinja shook his head. "I think we could spend all day punching that guy and still get nowhere. So I'm working on an alternative."

"Which is?"

"Dunk him in some Science. I'm sure that'll at least slow him down." He thought for a moment. "Or, like, make him 50 feet tall and immortal. But hey, we won't know til we try!"

Ratchet paled. "I don't like this plan!"

"Trust me. I'm a doctor."

Bison kicked She-Hulk into the wall and it bent around her. She crawled out of it, no worse for wear, and charged at him.

"Okay, I have a very short term plan that'll buy us some time," announced McNinja, a schematic of Aperture Science on one screen and a list of testing apparatus on another. "Ratchet, I'm going to need you to blow a hole in the roof."

"Well, normally I don't condone such destruction," rejoined Ratchet sarcastically, "but if I must..." He pulled out yet another massive weapon, and began repeatedly shelling the ceiling.

M Bison noticed this. He grabbed She-Hulk by the throat and casually craned his neck to get a better look. "What's this, hmm?"

She-Hulk twisted in his grip and managed to forcefully plant a sneakered foot in Bison's face. He released her, and she began to barrage him with punches.

Meanwhile, Dr McNinja was guiding a device known as a Faith-Plate through Aperture on a robotic arm. With a blur of keystrokes, he pulled out a section of panelling in the room's floor, and hastily shoved the Faith-Plate in.

Seconds after this, Ratchet's missiles caused the ceiling to cave in, sending fragments of concrete plummeting to the floor. One hit the Faith-plate and weakly bounced a few meters in the air. McNinja swore and hurriedly set the pressure of the Faith-plate to be much higher.

"Now what?" Ratchet yelled over the crash of rubble.

"She-Hulk!" roared McNinja. She-Hulk, who had been dodging the falling debris, looked over. "Bison on black thing!" yelled McNinja.

She-Hulk nodded, knowing better than to waste time asking questions. Bison charged at her, and she jumped over him. She drove her elbow into his back, and he fell forward on to the Faith-plate.

At this point, Ratchet and Dr McNinja were escaping the quickly destabilizing room. They only had a brief glance of Bison's comical look of confusion as the Faith-Plate activated before he shot upwards. He flew through the widening gap in the ceiling like a festive red firework, straight out of the Aperture centre.

She-Hulk leaped across the room towards the door just as the room began to fall into the vast crevasse which housed it. She cleared the space to the door in one bound, and then the space from that door to safer ground in another, grabbing Ratchet and McNinja as she went. The control room fell into the dark void behind them. The trio examined their handiwork.

"I think we won, guys," said She-Hulk.

"Sure seems that way," agreed McNinja.

"Yeah!" said Ratchet. "No-one could have survived that!" Then he added "Ow!" because Dr McNinja smacked him in the back of the head.

"Don't say that!" he snapped. "Never say that!"

"Jeez, fine," said Ratchet, rubbing his head. "I'm just pointing out that it's very unlikely he-"

"Just... be quiet."

It wasn't long after that that the heroes suddenly found themselves in a ship's bridge, being watched by Deadpool.

"Yay! New people!" he cried. "Hold on while I get the others!" The mercenary bounded out of the room.

Ratchet noticed She-Hulk bury her head in her hands. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"I know that guy," she said. "Let's just say he's not someone you want around if you have a headache."

Deadpool soon returned with Iroh, still clutching his arm, and Sly. When Sly saw Ratchet, they both seemed surprised.

"Hey," said Ratchet, "it's you again."

"Yeah… you too," said Sly.

"You two have met before?" asked Iroh.

"We have," said Ratchet.

"Doing what?" asked She-Hulk.

Sly shook his head. "I don't really want to discuss it."

"Same," agreed Ratchet.

"Alright," said Dr McNinja dubiously. "Moving on, can we assume that you three are in the same situation as we are?"

"If that situation is 'fight somebody in a weird place and end up here after winning', then yes. Yes we are," said Deadpool.

"Call me crazy, but if we're in the same boat, we may as well help each other out," said Sly.

"Sound policy," agreed She-Hulk. "Always better to skip over the part where the two groups of heroes wail on each other."

"I for one would happy to offer my services as an MD," said McNinja. "Or, alternatively, as a ninja. That's kind of my selling point."

"I can't put my finger on it," said Deadpool, draping his arm around McNinja, "but I really like this guy."

"Likewise," said McNinja. He then noticed Iroh's arm. "That's a nasty wound there," he said, straightening his tie. "What's the cause?"

"Dragon bite," said Iroh straight-facedly.

If Dr McNinja was surprised, he didn't show it. "Ah, I can help you with that," he said. "Want me to patch it up for you?"

"Sure," smiled Iroh. "There are some medical supplies down the hall."

"Lead on!"

The others watched them leave the bridge.

"I can already tell this is going to be more enjoyable than the alien fiasco," said Sly optimistically.

"Most things would be," replied Ratchet bleakly.


The plot thickens! Now, thicken the review amount by using the friendly box below.